• Published 19th Nov 2013
  • 9,773 Views, 90 Comments

Soft Diplomacy - Bastinator

After arriving in Equestria, Anon was at the mercy of life. He has a crap job, a boring life and he can't even speak up for himself if his life depended on it, but books have always been there for him. What if they got the attention of royalty?

  • ...

Canon End

The wet slop of the mop hits the floor soaking the bottom of your shoes. ”That’s right boy, nice and deep like,” the guard chortles at you. Ah just like old times…

“Yeah your wife tells me how you like it,” you don’t even think first before shooting back. He chuckles and returns to guard duty letting you mop in peace. Maybe not exactly like old times. You’ve got a tongue of your own to put them back in place. Of course you do have to put up with a little shit so you could get your old job back. It’s good honest work after all, nothing to be ashamed of.

Thankfully Mr. Mosely recognized your skill set and put you on as the senior member. It didn’t mean much in terms of pay or vacation time, but it was a sign of respect and you’ll take that. “Hey Sun Tapper, you think you can get that little smudge right there?”

”S-sure Anon,” he stutters back cleaning up one of your stray errors. Together you and him clean the south wing of the castle until you could eat right off the floor.

You wrap your arm around the stallion and give him a bro hug. “Damn good job we did huh?”

”Sure…” He reminds you of someone you knew once. Oh wait…

He’s a timid one, about as much as you were, but you know that sooner or later you’ll ease him out of his shell. “How many hours you go this week kid?”

”Umm, fifty three…” Shit this kid works hard. He deserves a break.

“Go ahead and take the rest of the day off kid. I can finish these last few solo.” Tapper looks a bit confused and you give him a reassuring tustle of his mane. “You’re too young to spend all your time working, now get going before I give you sewer detail.”

Aha, that got him going.

You set your equipment up in the closet and lock up for the day, this being one of the few times you’ve managed to get off early. Back in the day you’d give anything to get some free time, but now it seems all you like doing is work. Maybe it’s because you had a goal in mind and once you reached it you found your pockets a bit light so to speak.

Last you checked Petal was drinking martinis at Horseshoe Bay and soaking up the sun. Of course she never knew who had set her up with that last delightful vacation, but you did. A smile creeps on your face as you imagine her galloping along the shoreline and burying some grumpy noble to the neck in sand. You almost don’t notice the looming odor of fresh brewed coffee and cheap cologne as your boss comes your way.

“Hey Mosely, getting your daily fill?” you motion to his cup.

”Always. So how did it look out there?”

“Spick and span sir, just like you requested.”

”Yeah… How’s the new one doing? He uh, doesn’t seem to be around right now.”

“Oh, I sent him home early. He’s working too much as it is, the kid needs some free time.”

Your boss smacks his lips, “You do know that isn’t your call to make.”

“Mr. Mosely,” you use your old civil tone, “Surely you’ve read up on the latest news regarding employment among the youth and how the manager is responsible should they experience-“

“Alright alright,” he interrupts to keep you from tearing him a new asshole, “Just talk to me about this kind of thing beforehand.” Of course you will, you aren’t an asshole after all. Taking a quick shower you head off to the library.


Sitting down with the newest copy of Thump West’s ‘Caught in Time’ you delve right into it. You’ve had a lot of catching up to do in regards to his stuff and you’re more than happy to soak yourself in that spongy ink once more. ”Excuse me, you’re Anon aren’t you?”

You look up to the new librarian who’s taken Petal Peach’s place. “Yes ma’am, that’s me,” you smile back, small drops of sweat building up on her forehead.

”Oh I can’t believe you’re actually him. It’s an honor to meet you sir.” You can’t help but laugh at the formality and tell her just to call you Anon. “Oh I’m sorry sir- I mean Anon.” She sits across from you as you try to enjoy your book, though your focus is slowly torn away by the thought of Peach.

When you finally got back and were allowed to return to the castle the one thing you really wanted to do was catch up with Petal Peach, but when you walked in another mare had taken her spot behind that desk. Chain Mail had gotten a private security job out in the Seaddle and when he went, so did she. You’re still sad you never got to say goodbye…

”Umm, I don’t mean to bother you, but I found this in my desk after I moved in. It was addressed to you, but I never had the courage to approach a celebrity like you before.” Celebrity huh? You’ve certainly had your highs and lows, that much is true. She slides the letter across to you the desk and you rip open the paper envelope, reading it in earnest. ”What does it say?”

“It says not to make too much of a mess when she’s gone… and goodbye. Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.”

”Oh, anything at all that I can do-“ You nod and sink back into your seat, a piece of your mind finding peace.


Night soon falls upon Equestria, and when the moon rises so do some of the bustling nightclubs that are scattered throughout the city. You tap your foot and bob your head with the beat of the music as you watch Iron Will make a fool of himself on the dance floor. Gilda’s ducking her head in embarrassment and trying to unsee the travesty that is his dance skills. “It’s okay Gilda, it’s almost over.”

”It hurts to watch,” she groans and slams back another shot. If you can’t unsee it, you might as well unremember bit. You take a shot as well, though water is not the most potent beverage this place has to offer. Iron Will starts ‘making the pizza’ and you’re tempted to steal one of Gilda’s glasses. ”What’s he doing now?”

“You don’t want to know.”

You console the poor gryphon as Iron Will comes over and tries to pull her onto the dance floor. ”Big Iron, don’t make me hit your nuts again. You know I hate dancing.”

”Tough luck girl. When Iron Will wants to party…”

“You best not be tardy?”

He points to you with a proud smile, “That’s the spirit kid. Come on Gil, we’ve got a party to crash.”

”I hate you Anon,” she remarks as she’s dragged out on the dance floor but not before latching onto your wrist, “and if I’m going down you are too.” You manage to get one last sip of water before disappearing amongst the crowd with your friends.


Dip, press, plop, stroke, dip, press, plop, stroke… With that sort of flawless execution you’ll be number one for the Equestria Games, at least if they had a mopping division. Still, a man can dream…

You hear Mr. Mosely come up behind you as you work and inspect your handiwork, “Color me impressed. What’s the secret?”

“I’ll never tell,” you continue on your way while he follows you.

”Look, we’ve got a spill in one of the conference rooms up in the North Wing. You think you can clean it up for me?”

“Did you just ask?”

”Yeah, now double time it, and please don’t make a scene this time.” You head back and gather your things before heading up there to take a look.


You’re about knock on the door when it’s swung open, a gryphon all but storming out. The ambassador must really be- Wait a minute? “Rinn?”

The gryphon turns around red in the face, “Anon…” That’s all he says before he stomps away, his two guards quick on his heels. In three, two, one…

“I’d watch out if I-” you’re right on time as he ignores the wet floor sign and gets to taste some of your handiwork, “were you…” You try your best not to crack up as Rinn swats away the help from his guards but a small giggle makes its way out your throat. Justice has been served.

By the time you get in there you find Celestia tidying up her scrolls, a large stain running across the wall where someone had thrown a glass. “I take it Rinn wasn’t happy.”

She’s only momentarily surprised at your presence before she nods, “Not at all, I am afraid. I would not be surprised if this becomes a habit of his.” You don’t take up anymore of her time and whip out your Cleaning Sponge of Stain Slaying. It has a +9 against stains. ”It is nice to see you well. The last time we talked-“

“It’s okay Celestia. It’s in the past now,” you silence her and sponge up the wall. There’s nothing for her to apologize for. Your actions were your own and she-

Celestia’s hoof graces your back and she lays her head against yours, “I had hoped things would turn out differently.”

You sort of sit there for a minute before you turn around and hug her by surprise, Celestia thrown back by your forwardness. “So did I…”

She clears her throat and pats herself off allowing you to get back to work, “Well then. We should return to our duties should we not?”

“Indeed Princess. Good day to you.”

She stops at the door before turning back, “Twilight’s done well in your stead. In fact you’ve been quite the influence on her. Have you spoken to her yet?” Your pause is answer enough for her, “The garden certainly blossoms this time of year. Food for thought.” The door closes and you connect the pieces quick enough and hurry to finish your task. Maybe you should bring roses?


After work you set down to the Canterlot gardens and sit down at the fountain, dipping a finger into the cool pool that shines against the sun’s rays. Too late it would seem. Oh well… It was worth a shot. ”Eep! Anon, you scared me half to death.” You smile as Twilight comes walking over, “What’re you doing here?”

“A little birdie told me you were out here.”

“Really?” she asks sitting beside you, “This birdie doesn’t have wings and a horn, does she?”

“And a very very colorful mane,” you joke and look over her, “You look good.”

”Thank you Anon. You’re not so bad yourself.” The two of you turn a bright red and look away from the other, Twilight twiddling around with her hooves, “So…”

“Beautiful day right?”

”Absolutely.” You can do better than that Anon. That was just pathetic. ”Anon I was thinking-“

“Do you want to grab something to eat?”

Oh god dammit Anon. Why did you say that? There wasn’t any suave or- “I’d love to.” She- she said yes? You have to pinch yourself to make sure you aren’t dreaming. You hesitantly put your hand over her hoof and she meets you half way. ”No games?”

“No games,” you smile back, Twilight moving a bit closer.



From a distance a certain draconequus sits trying not to gag at the start of this new relationship he’s forced to watch. ”That boy better know what he’s getting himself into…” Discord snaps a cup of tea and lounges back in his chair, adjusting his monocle for a better look.

From his side a trembling stallion approaches nervously, “M-m-m-Mr. Discord?”

”Gah, why must you insist on troubling me when I’m in the middle of my spying on Anon?”

”I just- Letter sir…” he drops it and runs for the hills.

”Useless messenger ponies. Surely they could use pigeons or something. A messenger turtle, genius!” He tosses the letter and spits it out fully open, because he’s Discord. ”Let’s see here…”

‘Discord, ever since we met I was convinced you were the stereotypical basket case that many of my acquaintances had marked you to be. I want to say that I’m sorry for judging you. You’ve given me more than anyone else and asked for nothing in return. What would you give chaos itself? Well, the exact thing chaos wouldn’t want, a friend. Go easy on the chocolate milk okay? Your partner in chaos, Anon.’

‘P.S. you can stop spying on me.’

”What in the…” He zooms in on his spy monocle, to see you grinning right back at him. Discord leans back and snickers one last time, “Well played Anon. Well played.”


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Comments ( 17 )

Hunh,The whole multiple endings thing kinda reminded me of New Vegas,But all in all,Quite a good story.Well played,Bastinator,Well played


I liked the whole multiple ending thing, put several things in perspective.

This requires more likes.

Well... Didn't quite end in the way that I had expected, but all the better, for that reason. I really do enjoy getting blindsided. Except for when, you know, you're out on a walk and you get blindsided by some dingus in a Prius of all things (that rhymed, wow). Then getting blindsided isn't too good, but the point is made. Sorry about that little info; it's just that I haven't slept for a while, and I tend to ramble on when i'm tired. If you haven't already started seeking a career in writing, I would highly suggest you do; I can see allot of potential in you. That's quite the compliment, considering it's from someone who's a bit difficult to amuse. I'll just blame it on the fatigue. That's my excuse and i'm sticking to it. See? Rambling. I'll just stop now.
I give this story a thumbs up, and a favorite. :moustache:

Thanks, but I think you need to take a nap, cause you start talking nonsense when sleep-deprived.

*Roaring Applause* Yes, all endings were sufficient for my pallet. Well done sir! Well done!

Have to say, a shite ending. Cliche as hell. I enjoyed the story, but the ending was definitely lacking. Very much so. I think he should have gone with Celestia, there was next to no interaction between him and Twilight, pretty terrible. Oh well, you tried and failed, good attempt.

Well you're not alone in that reasoning. Alas, it was the way I intended (mostly), for it to end. Sorry you didn't like the end all the same.

Like some old person once said, it's better to have tried and failed then to have not tried at all.

Another one bites the dust, moving on.:twilightsmile:
Once again, great story.:pinkiehappy:

ending could have been better though i am surprised this has so few thumbs, maybe it's because most of the people on this sight like overpowered characters or characters so edgy they cut you if you look at them

Well, that ended up being pointless and going exactly nowhere. I should know better by now than to read anything with multiple endings.

I waschoping Gilda would change eventually, but sadly she never seems to have actuallu transitioned from "pushy bitch" to "friend", they just kept interacting and Anon just kept taking her bullshit. Very dissapointing.

I think that the reason some people didn't like this, us because it played out like real life. In the sense that almost no one really gets "happy" endings that are dramatic. Instead, you get life. Ups and downs, but mostly things are at the janitor level, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing..

A thumbs up and a favorite from me. :coolphoto:

Sorry I can't read this no more, I really hate weaklings.

Disappointment: Immeasurable

Story Potential: High
Execution: Not so good.

Grammar is usually on point, but overall flow of the story and character interaction is lacking, especially the main character, who’s skittishness is less endearing and more annoying. I’m not saying he had to be macho man supreme, but he could of had a little backbone, especially when he does a attitude reversal when in fight mode. More so and aforementioned; character interaction isn’t the best, and the whole test stuff didn’t come off as clever or interesting.

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