Slashwing
Joined 20th Jul, 2013 ·
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Looks good. I can't wait for more.
It could use some more spacing
3576758 where exactly I am just going by what I can do and that would be great to know
Hey man, just got done reading the first chapter, and I enjoyed what I was reading, despite not really being into Fallout and having not read Fallout Equestria. As you asked for my opinion on what I thought about it, I find that Slashwing's character really is fine as it is thus far, but most of my thoughts were about Boom. My only real critique (as I want to avoid being nit-picky if I can help it) is that we do not know that much about Boom, except that she is female, there is no mention of her coat/mane colors, whether or not she is carrying a weapon (though we find out later, I personally feel that would have been better if mentioned earlier on when they first met) or if she is wearing some kind of armor or suit. In regards to the ending, I am curious as to why Boom was upset, it does not mention it here, and there are many things you can do with that which could be either good or bad, but I will withhold my judgement as I continue reading.
Hope this was helpful in some way.
Finally got around to read your story.
- the chapters are rather short. This is nothing bad, since ever single chapter has its own point but it's still a bit... exhausting to read.
- for Deathpony's spacing-issue: you should do a new paragraph/a space line whenever you indent a sentence with your TAB key. E.g.: when a dialogue's speaker changes. The wall of text the readers face once they click one of your chapters might scare them away.
- the story is pretty fast forward, with no annoying sub-plots.
- One of the bigger issues I have: Slashwings doesn't really act like a pegasus. He doesn't really use his wings in any way, he could be an earth pony and almost nothing would change. Think about letting him fly a bit more in the future. He's an airborne after all.
- I think you misspell Trottingham, it's like Nottingham without an "e" at the end. There're also a few mistakes in capitalisation, names should always be capitalized.
I have to admit, I don't understand the branding system. What exactly is this branding and why could Slashy tear it of in log10? That's not how branding works. Care to explain?
There's a [min] in log11, what does that mean?
Btw.: I would find it more appropriate if the "Dragon's Guide to Wasteland Cooking" would be featuring Big Guns or Explosives. That would be a bit more Fallout-like.
That's not a bad story, the only thing that might look bad is its wall-of-textiness. Well and the rather short chapters. Not everyone likes that.
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Thanks for the feed back I'll be happy to answer your questions
First up though I would like to say you have possibly unintentionally brought up several plot points later in the story but I'll do my best to explain
If I haven't explained it well it's my own fault but slashwing has never learned how to fly and only has wings though a family gen and on top parents are both unicorns who raised him as a earth pony (this also leads into his attraction to Nightlight) however this will change with Torchlight reaching out to teach him as hinted at the end of the latest log (as of writing this)
now the branding is a form of insignia to state who a pony fights for this (at least for my story) be anything that when enough ponies wear it be indemnified as a faction an example is the trottingham rangers use of leather in their armour another example is Boomageton and her metal armour it's the branding of the C44 demos (raiders) in the case of Nightlight the raiders she was forced to fight for where basically wearing badly put together armour that easily fell apart letting slashwing tear it off with out much trouble
now the [min] is simply short for minutes since the story is told like a set of logs sometimes it's fast forwarded (by me) during periods of nothing happening such as sleeping or waiting during that log a large amount of time past but not hours of a day so I added that in thinking I was begin smart (seem I failed XD)
Now the books "Dragon's guild to wastland cooking" Dragon as a character will actually appear as a character later on and the book itself helps with a plot point I dont want to spoil here but is pretty clear from comments slashwing makes
Also I would like to add that listen to the radio a bit during this story a massive sub plot is going on there
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Okay, thanks for the explanations.
I just thought the brandings were like cutie marks/the Dashite marks, an actual branding. But now yours make sense.
just a head up the story double posted
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where?
Not bad. Continue.
4543868 I am just trying to get the next part done
Before I begin, you should know that I’ve never played any of the Fallout games. Don’t consider myself much of a gamer in general. The Elder Scrolls, Knight of the Old Republic, Mass Effect… that’s about it for me. But I figure I don’t need to know about post-apocalyptic games in order to understand what’s going on.
Anyway, this is certainly an interesting way to open up a story. It's peculiar that Slashwing is a rock farmer turned soldier/mercenary. I suppose that in a world ridden with disarray and anarchy, one has very limited options to make a living. I'm guessing he's the new guy in the stable. However, if the Overmare was confident in his capabilities, he must have done something worthy of the recognition. I'm left wondering what it may have been.
At first, I was perplexed by the existence of firearms in your story. I mean, since ponies have no opposable digits on their hooves, I was wondering how they could possibly pull the trigger. But my confusion went away when you clarified that ponies use their mouths to hold and discharge their guns. It would make much more sense if they used their teeth. Aiming and stabilizing their weapons would be a hell of a lot easier. Still, Reloading and arming must be a bitch!
I can tell that Slashwing is not going to have a good day. He's been shot twice, regurgitated his last meal, gotten separated from his stable, and has woken up in uncharted territory. Unless this is what constitutes everyday living in Fallout: Equestria, he's in for some deep trouble. But you've given him a realistic ability to cope with those types of unforeseen complications.
Overall, this chapter was a fine start. There were some notable grammatical and syntactical errors that even the editor overlooked, and the pacing seemed a little quick at times. Other than that, I'd say you're off to a decent beginning. I'll check out the next chapter soon.
Hey, sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Been busy updating my own stories, and reading others and such.
This part was certainly riveting. You did a good job of keeping a steady pace on the plotline and maintaining the ever-present threat of danger all throughout the chapter. At least three times, I thought something was going to go horribly wrong and either Slashwing or Boom (or both of them) would have been gravely injured. How fortunate that they navigated Stable 53 without TOO much difficulty. Save, of course, for the radgators and the other mercenaries.
So, will we be seeing any more of this blue pony (the borrowed OC)? Since he was the only one sensible enough to back down from Boom and Slash, I'm inclined to think he may have another role to play in the story.
Let's hope Slash won't be enduring his unbearable mouth pain for much longer. Otherwise his complaints may become vocal instead of just wisps of his thought process.
Good work here. On to the next chapter.
How nice to see that Slashwing has received some recognition and remunerations for his actions. Considering what all he went through in the past two chapters, I'd say he deserved them. I can only imagine the honor and pride it brought him, but I'm glad he accepted the rewards in a humble manner.
I was somewhat surprised to discover that weeks had elapsed in the time that Slashwing left Stable 54 and returned to it. Originally, I just assumed that several hours had passed; a day or two at the most. Then again, I suppose that in a post-apocalyptic era, time has no real meaning or significance. Plus, I'm willing to wager it would take a while to traverse a vast wasteland and secure an entire facility without backup.
I like how Slashwing has made a name for himself in such a heroic manner. He seems to have gone from common footsoldier (or hoofsoldier) to distinguished officer through this one single mission. Quite an impressive accomplishment on his part, more so on the fact that he was given such useful prizes in return.
Boom didn't strike me as the type to display emotion in public, but it would appear as though I was wrong. Evidently, whenever she wants to show her appreciation, she feels no shame in being open about it. I liked how she just hugged the Overmare in front of the assembly. A bit touching, if I do say so myself.
It's alright that this chapter was short. It was still interesting all the same. I look forward to seeing where Slash and Boom go from here...
Interesting idea to have Boom as a teacher. I didn't imagine her as the type to give lectures and advice to a classroom of students. At least she's teaching wasteland survival; something she knows about and is an expert on.
Relocating an entire stable does sound pretty hazardous in a post-apocalyptic world. I hope the Overmare knows what she's doing. Of course, her faith in Slashwing is well-founded, seeing as how the last time she sent him out, he saved the entire stable's power and security. Hopefully, her confidence in his ability and Boom's ability will turn out to be a bona fide blessing.
Dr. Stitch seems rather hotheaded for a medical officer. Not many doctors I can think of - even combat medics - who would walk out onto a battlefield without protection. But he seems more than capable of looking out for himself, seeing as how he was able to help Slash and Boom fend off those raiders. Since he's a Unicorn, I bet he'll do a better job of aiming and shooting with firearms than Slash.
This weapon Slash found off the dead mare sounds interesting. I'm going to assume that Earth Ponies and Pegasi are somewhat able to use tools which are normally based on magic in this universe. Look forward to seeing how Slash will make use of it.
Even though you just introduced this Stitch character, I have a feeling I'm going to grow fond of him. The way he explained why he as a physician is inclined to fight was rather fitting. It may have seemed disturbing to some, but it was a rather practical and commonsensical approach all the same. Kill or be killed would certainly apply. I also found it amusing how Boom appeared horrified by his reasoning, but Slash was relatively indifferent. I can tell that the three of them are in for some interesting travels together.
It's intriguing how a city would be able to flourish and thrive in a nuclear post apocalyptic Equestria. I wouldn't have expected anything larger than a stable would be able to last very long. I suppose equines would just be able to adapt and get by much better than we humans would.
Oh, crap. How convenient yet unfortunate that that announcement from DJ Pon-3 popped up on the radio at the exact same time when Slashwing approached the firearms kiosk. So he saved Vinyl Scratch's life in a previous chapter? If so, I must have missed that. Or perhaps it happened sometime between two of the previous chapters. At any rate, it's interesting that she would remember him as both a pony who rescued her and a pony who's followed by a trail of destruction everywhere he goes. This will either be really good for Slash, or very bad.
On a side note, I like the idea of having Sweetie Belle as a singer on the radio. After all, she's a young filly with the voice of an angel. That's the kind of thing that could provide a beacon of hope in a time of despair. Sorry if that sounds overly sentimental, but I felt that should be said.
So, good work on this chapter. With regards to your style, I would advise indenting at the start of a new paragraph, and to give spoken dialogue their own sections. That could help the reader distinguish between the character's background and the current events of the story. Other than a few spelling and grammar errors, you're doing superbly so far.