- Member Since 3rd Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 27th, 2014
OhGodWhy
I write horrible fanfics involving cute technicolor equines doing bad things.
OhGodWhy
Joined 3rd Dec, 2012 ·
Offline
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Yes everything was exactly as I expected it would be. YA DID GOOD.
3505811
Thank you.
Me like
Some fantasies are just depressing to read. This is one of them.
Beyond that, there was absolutely no depth to any of the characters, the dialogue sounded like something out of the world's laziest porno, and no reason was provided by the story to care about who they are and what they are doing.
3506135
I came here to say this, and you've already done it for me. Thanks for saving me some time.
Intriguing.
But highly disturbing.
This need a sequel
Analysis...
No plot, we see an introduction. We meet Shining Armor and Twilight Velvet, and obviously the setting is their house. However, there's no rising action, no climax, and no falling action. It's just, "Mom I'm horny lets buck". Both characters are static, go further in depth. Who is Twilight Velvet? Who is she as a mother? Who is Shining Armor as a son? Go into detail about them, make them pop into my head, make me learn about them. Does Twilight Velvet have any morals about incest? Does she have morals about cheating on her husband with their own son? It just went straight to the sex without any build up is what I'm trying to say. Also, try to extend your paragraphs and add transitions instead of:
Shining ~~~~~~~
Shining ~~~~~~~
See what I'm trying to say? Almost each paragraph was maybe 2 or 3 sentences long, and started with either Shining or Twilight Velvet. This story has great potential, just need o workshop it, add sensory details, transitions, and make the characters more 3-D.
3506540
This was pretty good but it was definitely too short.
3506135 You realize that clop isn't meant to be on the same level as freaking Tolkien right? It's just smut. If you don't like smut then why are you even on this story's page? You're wasting time typing a reply that is completely subjective and therefore pointless.
Nice story, author.
The beginnig of twilights origin
okay I liked the story but it was too short, maybe you could lengthen the next fic a bit more or maybe add to this one.
3509284
This is the kind of reaction I intend to get from these stories.
Duuuddee, this idea has so much potential! But the writing it just so...
Righteous fanfic bro however u could have made it longer but watevs still great foalcon anyways pretty excite for the new season this Saturday.
3509006
All replies are subjective.
I guess we just shouldn't have them.
and then twilight sparkle was born.........................................
3527700 IT MAKES SENSE
does that mean that Shining armor is not only Twi's brother, but her dad too?
3506522 I saw what you did there
simply amazing. you deserve so many more followers
3540864 WooHoo! Hooray for incestious breeding!
...I had such high hopes... what the buck? That was not pleasent, I don't want to hurt your feelings bro, butyou need some crcriticism...the paragraphs are too short, you have a weirs habit of going from classic smut phrases like the kissing scene, to amature "fill me with your young seed" I only say tnhis to help, so don't get offended, by the way, when did logic die and why was I not invited to the funeral? How in the name of tarterous did a wee lil boy not cum before his experienced mom after some good ole incestual felatio? I hope this story makes you a better author, because sir, with all due respect, you need some improvement, and a proof reader, it will help emmensly. Good luck sir
3831363
Please excuse my bluntness, but I've been nice to authors and it is not good to them, you deserve honesty, also excuse the typoes, I'm on mobile and its difficult to type.
Well that's a subscription in the bag for you!
And thus Twilight was born. Wait...... WHAT!?!?
Oh, this sounds good! I got my SCP-173 plushie and lube ready too!
Nope. Don't believe twilight was born from Shining's sperm. She has no similarities from him and barely any from her mom. Just saying.
My reaction to shining being Twi's dad
3833285
Well to be fair, pony genetics are odd to say the least.
Look at Pinkie Pie for example.
3836327
.... This is true. However i consider Pinkie a pony that can change reality how she sees fit and that's how she took the form of how she is now.
3506931
3509884 Your very name is the reaction I get from your tales. Along with "I am shocked, disgusted, personally offended and you should be ashamed of yourself! When can I expect more!?"
I agree that this was rushed too fast. It needs more characterization, rising/falling action, etc. And this puts your Twilight's Incestuous Misadventures in a new light...is that story dead or can we expect a new chapter soon?
And thus,Twilight Sparkle was born.
From zero to "Do you want to try it with me, sweetie?" in one paragraph.
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121213041961/sonic/images/4/4c/Escalated_Rarity.jpg
And that's how Equestria was really made.
hmm is there a a second part to this story if not i think there should i mean i would like to see how night light would react and what happens to shining and velvet in the end i think this would make for a really good story 20 out of 10 50 if it does go into a continued story please make it happen
danmit all , shinigvelvet is always so danm good , but so danm short as well >_> .....
Not sure how I felt about this one.
I will agree that it went by just to fast so there wasn't a lot of build up to the ending so definitely work on the pacing, but other than that nice idea.
and that is how Twilight Sparkle was born!
Okay, that was fast
two things good story and make the next ones sex scene more descriptive please
7 months later I'm still ashamed of the fact I wrote this pile of shit.
my dick is rock solid baby
This must be way she doesn't like Cadence
4490285 is this how Twilight Sparkle became existant.
4830136
Yes.