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As Twilight explores the the Canterlot archives, she stumbles upon a hidden library within the archives. What she is more suprised to find is a book written by her teacher; Princess Celestia herself. And it seems to be biography of her family's life back when she was still growing up. What she soon discovers is more shocking than what she could ever imagine.
(Crossover doesn't appear until chapter 4)
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I have to say, the concept of this story is what caught my eye. You might want to double-check your work before posting, as you've got a number of run-on sentences present throughout your story. They're not too horrible, but it might help you to read your chapters aloud to yourself before you post them, just to be on the safe side. That being said, you have a creative imagination with the concept of Prince Eclipse and his relationship to the royal family. The twist with his transformation wasn't something I was expecting. Presently, I don't view that as one way or another, it was just a bit of a surprise.
I'd say my only real concern about your story is your characterization of Princess Celestia at the beginning of this chapter. She just sounds a little bit out-of-character. Her accusation of Twilight wanting to learn sun magic, her leaning towards a somewhat overly-worried reaction (it's not often she displays unease in front of anyone less than her sister,) when Twilight asks about Eclipse and the book, and her overall dialogue in general in that first segment just seems...off. It doesn't really sound like Celestia.
But, all that being said, I did enjoy this little read thus far, and I look forward to more work from you!
3511681 thanks for the advice, I will fix that asap.
I will also fix Tia's character in future chapters.
One thing. If your going to have a character narrate a story within a story that they wrote. I believe it should be done in their pov. Just saying.
3513474 I know, just I was more thinking of the flash back effect. But maybe I will add a little more pov in future chapters. But thanks for advice.
Celestia and Luna had a younger adopted brother that no one's ever heard of who was a gray alicorn that turned into a dragon with bat wings and red eyes. Hmm, who do I know who's got a gray pony head and a bat wing and a pegasus wing and dragon parts and red eyes?
This can only end well.
3658691 glad you like it, trust me discord will have a big part in this.
Aw!!!! That was so adorable!!!! I love Elsa from frozen!!!
4004279 I'm really glad you like it. Elsa plays a BIG part in Eclipse's life.
thank you so much for your comment.
4004567 unfortunately, I feel that Elsa and eclipse's relationship won't have a happy ending
4004768 sshh, no spoiling the ending.
you'll just have to wait and see.
3513880 Or perhaps just section off that section with some kind of symbols like a "+++" or "###". It will let the reader have a more fluid transition that way without you having to rewrite a section for POV.
BTW: Queen Lauren is best pony. I sense a reference too.
4026408 alright thanks for the advice, I've been wondering how to section it off better. Glad you like Queen Lauren, and what reference do you speak of?
Eclipse and Elsa's friendship is so adorable
Great chapter, keep it up.
4046328 Thank you, I'm happy that like it. Means a lot to me.
Aewsome Chapter! Does Anna and Celestia become friends?
4086852 yes actually, they all do. They'll get a few other friends as well. Kind of like another main six, but a few more than six
Frost
4100837 Thank you, you may have just changed how the next chapter goes.
4101984 When are you gonna finish the next chapter? And maybe, when you're done, we can make a Frozen/MLP story together.
4124240 this weekend, sorry end off term sucks. And I'd love to do a MLP/Frozen crossover.
Talon made Elas cry
Now you will meet your end
My mind: Oh my dear Griffon you just singed your own death wish
Eclipse goes dragon: Oh yeah
4156151 Hehe yep, Eclipse was more aggressive this time. Yes he was mad at the timber wolves, but the timber wolves didn't make his sisters cry.
much momentum
wow
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000822867536/3f5a00acf72df93528b6bb7cd0a4fd0c.jpeg
4255058 Thank you, means a ton
4256411 You're welcome (man/woman/eldritch thing)
Your story has really grown on me since I began reading it and I can honestly say I enjoy your chapters.
4260735 dragon actually, and sweet glad you like them.
I am Eclipse!
ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
!!!
Yay i love your story man!, im reading During the night, And i have to say those lovebirds are so cute, continue like that
4272149 thanks so much, I'm glad you like it. Next chapter should be out next week. So wait and see what happens when they find Eclipse.
Eclipse and Elsa going for a flight in the night? D'aaawww
<cuteness overload>
This chapter was really worth the wait.
I can not wait for the next chapter.
You are quite welcome.
Good luck with your exams.
I fuckin love this story
pinkiehappy:
:
Wait... Snowdrop? YAY!!!!!!!
4460689 uh huh, I couldn't resist. Snowdrop is way too adorable.
4460076 thanks a ton for the like and the favorite, I'm super glad you like it.
Just watch your language from now on pls.
I adore all the little "shout-outs" and references you put in. But most of all the story is captivating!
Eclipse is a very likable character and I dread finding out why his sisters forgot him.
There's no Sad or Tragedy tag, but I'm worried nonetheless!
I wanted to especially note that Twilight's more silly infatuation with books and the "author's office" is great. She's usually stuck in a more serious bookworm role (and I'm guilty of this) instead of the drooling book fangirl role you give her here. It's nice to see her a little goofy.
I'm also curious if/when Discord will play a part after his mention in an earlier chapter. Eclipse seems like exactly the type of pony that would get his chaos sensors all a-flutter.
4470655 you've kind of hit it spot on. There is a special reason why Celestia and Luna forgot him. And Discord knows Eclipse very well. Think of it this way, what do you get when you have Chaos and Destruction together?
And I'm glad you brought up the office, a little hint for that. It says the ink had been "recently used" Celestia hasn't been in there for a few hundred years, who else could get in?
4471882
Oooh, I can't wait for the mysteries to be solved!
4471882 In my experince: Chaos + Destruction = Collateral damage, HUGE repair bills and pissed off day-labors.
4491915 hehe, now just think of that for Celestia and Luna.
It's God of Chaos
Two things
One:
Was the filly Snow Drop?
And
Two:
I don't like the ages because they are too spread out and think about it, would a 17 year old, 12 year old, and 7 year old actually get along?
I think I know who Eclipse
*cough* Discord *cough*
Writer's block... it's the worst.
Apart it looks very good so far. Looking forward to the full chapter.
Is this a new chapter i spy in my feed?
media.giphy.com/media/P7hAHqE7Hcs8M/giphy.gif
Wait... i missed it by 11 hours, dammit xD
They say good things comes to those who wait, and i can now say it most certainly holds true here.
Nicely done, totally worth the wait.
Count me in on sitting here until the end.
Hope you're doing well and gotten back into the swing of things.
8800104
Well, I did post it at 2 in the morning. Thanks for the nice feed back. Good to know it ended up well.
8800357
You're most welcome 😃
Also, i love how Rain was portrayed, i smiled the whole way and even giggled when he seemingly stared at Elsa and Anne xD
In any case it seems we're getting closer to the actual answers we've been looking for, although there is still some way to go.
Looking forward to the next chapter.