Chapter 2 - When all begins…
It's ok. You've past the test. Now I'll return to my containment cell. But
before, I have something to do with you... *approaches CleverBlue slowly… and points his
horn at him*
*then CleverBlue passes out…*
*** *** ***
…Hmf… It seems that he's just passed out… -started saying 709- *stops for a moment, then continues* Don't be afraid, I'm going to completely heal you. It'll only take a few seconds… *a blue aura covers CleverBlue's body. Suddenly he wakes up* Now you can move again…
*CleverBlue tries to wake up, slowly* Th-... thanks. I… I wasn't expecting you to do your part of the deal... *stands up, checking his body*
…Welcome to the Foundation,... what was your name? -asked 709-
My name's CleverBlue… Well, I guess it was a pleasure to meet you after all. But please... you could think of some more interesting dreams to imply...
-SCP-709 began laughing slightly- Haha... sorry, bad dreams and nightmares are my job. By the way, I'm SCP-709, but you can call me Beyond Nightmare or... whatever you want. *throws a page of paper to you* There's my info,
. And I want you to be the supervisor of my containment zone. *709 leaves the control room and heads to his containment room*
*CleverBlue looks at the paper* Hey! I read about him! wait... containment supervisor? I got promoted! Yay! *heads to his quarter. As he enters it, checks on the map once again* Hmm.. I'm right next to his containment room. I guess that's ok... …wait... *reads the note again* You gonna be... No! Nightmares? Buck!
*SCP-709, from now on known as Beyond Nightmare, talks with CleverBlue by telepathy* Haha... So you finally got it... Don't panic yet. Check your new uniform, it's equipped with a kind of shield that prevents my interferences to disturb your dreams.
*CleverBlue checks out the new inventory* Oh, well, I guess that's fair enough. *he puts his old gear on the chair next to him, and locks the door.* So... how did you end up here? I guess you still can hear and talk to me. *takes his toolbox and starts repairing his gear*
*B.Nightmare talks with CleverBlue by telepathy* I can hear you clearly, but if not directly I prefer talking by telepathy. Comunication is much easier to me this way than shouting, so you can hear me perfectly.
*** *** ***
(flashback created in CleverBlue's mind by B.Nightmare)
The way I ended up here... well, I born with these powers. I
don't know if I had parents or not but I don't really care much
about that, you know, I'm not like other ponies... I was raised
by a couple of farmers that couldn't have children. When they
were affected by my powers they thougth I was cursed or
something and they left me alone in the world. I traveled from
town to town, but nopony allowed me to sleep where they lived...
Then, The Foundation found me. They brought me here and here
I've been living, for 8 years, since that day...
*** *** ***
*CleverBlue has seen the flashback inside his mind and heard the story* Oh my.... 8 years? That's... really long! *fixes the armor* So, what do you do here usually? Skip the "killing the guards" part please. And did you try to get out the peaceful way?
*B.Nightmare talks with CleverBlue by telepathy* I usually breach containment once or twice a day, that's because I can't be in my containment room for too long. It's so boring, so I scape sometimes. The rest of the guards say anything to me. They are used to see me around the Foundation. They just ignore me. They know I won't cause any trouble unless they make me angry. To explain the situation of before: It was a test, not only for you but also for every guard in the Foundation, to prove their skills. If they die is not
my fault, I don't kill anypony, they die due to the other SCPs… I've never killed anypony... I'm ketter because of my unknown and dangerous powers, but I'm normaly peaceful.
Wait, wait, wait... *CleverBlue puts the armor away when he hears that* So... you did let ponies die tonight? You mean.... everypony was in real danger? I thought you said you'd intervene if something happens.
*B.Nightmare talks with CleverBlue by telepathy* Hey, I said is not my fault. It was me or their supervisors the ones to cause the containment breach. You know, from time to time a spontaneous containment breach is caused without telling anypony. They have to be prepared for any situation. This time was a controlled one, so imagine if this one wasn't controlled... you have to become used to this. You have to be strong. Next time, I'll be more careful, but they have to be careful too... I'm sorry, but this is what could happen here anyday...
*CleverBlue puts his repaired helmet on his head* So, let me get this straight... it was a controlled breach, right? And the ones that loose, are simply dead, because they'd be dead anyway? I knew that little font in the employment contract was important... *gets to fixing his weapon*
*B.Nightmare talks with CleverBlue by telepathy* Yes. As I said, you'd better get used to this. *Walks around the room* If you wish, I'll protect anypony, you just have to tell me if you want. If I atacked you was because, as an SCP, it's my "job" in the controled containment breaches… I'm not a bad pony... well, I don't want to be a bad one...
...You know, if you allow me to,... could I be… your friend...?
*** *** ***
·· End of Chapter 2 ··
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Not too bad, but the way you write is just confusing.
I have high hopes for this
but please improve your writing style.
dont let me down
Can't wait for the next one
Nice, but you need an editor
3882017 I had to edit it from an original squetch, that's why it looks so messed up, but I'll try to solve that in the next chapters ^^
3882042 Thanks ^^ and don't worry, that's because I edited the chapters from an original squetch, and it ended a bit messed up, hehe ^^
I'll try to do my best for the next chapters
3882204 Glad you like my story
3882633 Thanks ^^ and also thanks for the advice
I'll try to find one ^^
3882791 Don't worry ^^ That was a controled containment breach, for the new personel to practice their skills. Of couse there are good containment procedures for all the SCPs :)
3882841 Yeah ^^ I need an editor :D and I'll be so glad if you'd like to help ^^
Also, I'm glad you like my story
3882791
I'm actually not as familiar with 106, but being unable to be reliably contained is one of the requirements for keter classification last I checked, so that alone accounts for SCP-096
3882911 Yeah, those two would be the most dangerous in case of a general containment breach
My first critique is that none of your chapters are beyond a thousand words.
3883226 It's a fast action story, so all chapters will be always more or less that length
3883221 That's because it's a fast action story, and all the chapters will be more or less the same length...
3883252 Yeah ^^ Not a single say is a normal day in the SCP foundation. Always happens the unexpected~
3883246
Pacing is essential, and scene transitions are as well. Chapters divide a story because that's how our brain works. Memories sort of "reset" through certain transitions, such as when you walk through a door or night becomes day. Chapters that are too short are jarring to the reader and make some (and honestly,me) uninterested.
3883263 I'll try to make longer and accurate chapters for the next time ^^
Well, this sure looks decent. I hope to continue to be surprised by this story. I've not heard anything from whatever this is based off of, so this just might get me more interested. Keep up the good work.
3883282 Thanks
3883577 Haha ^^ I thought the same when I saw your username
Umm, the current SCP-709 doesn't seem to be the one described here...
3883927 Because it's not the canon SCP-709 of the Containment Breach series, but it's the canon SCP-709 of the Containment is Magic series. It's included in the last update of SCP-CIM folder, here in this dA group: http://scp-cim.deviantart.com/
3884823
Alright then. Am I missing something or is 709 quite similar looking to the protagonist? Are 096 and 106 different as well?
Your writing style is, well, strange and hard to follow, and the story moves much too quickly. I really think it needs more chapter length and it feels like large chunks of the story are missing.
Similar coat color, yeah, if that's what you mean. But that's just a coincidence. This story has been adapted from a roleplay between the owner of CleverBlue and me, owner of SCP-709; that's why the story moves too quickly and the chapters are too short.
I had to edit it from an original squetch, that's why it looks so messed up, but I'll try to solve that in the next chapters.
I'll try to make longer and accurate chapters for the next time.
And to answer your second question, but generalized, almost all SCPs, guards, scientifics, or any other being in the SCP "world" is ponified in this story, at least for now~
3886643 Yeah ^^ 173 is dangerous too
3886653 Indeed ^^ SCP-106 containment chamber/cell is made of reinforced steel with an electromagnetic Tesla shield that prevents his containment breaches.
I would also appreciate it if each chapter were maybe more than 1500 words
3906716 Ok ^^ I'll do it from chapter 4, since chapter 3 is already written and soon I'll edit and post it here :)
4906867 Sorry it took this long to reply. I know it might be a bit crappy, it's my first story and an direct adaptation from a roleplay, without editors or proofreaders. I was unexperienced as a writer back then, I know.
I'll do better from now on.
Plus, you're right, it was quite a strugle to get it validated.