An enemy beyond ages, with the power of the sun.
History hidden, for none to see.
Unseen controllers.
Ancient beings.
Vengeful gods.
Fallen tyrants.
War.
Everything is at stake.
If a new or character comes up is the story I'll add it/them.
My first fic. Please don't crush my dreams.
I in no way claim ownership over any copyrighted characters, places, or events from the Hasbro show My Little Pony.
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This is .... interesting. Favoriting, I want to see where it's going
Sounds like things are about to take an interesting turn. There were a few errors here and there, but nothing that made it unreadable.
Just one suggestion,
While it isn't exactly wrong to start off a story this way, it feels like I've seen it done a hundred times before. I'm sure you could come up with a better sentence that still sets the tone...but then again that is my personally biased opinion.
Not to be a downer or anything, but I'm 99.4% sure that it's the crystal empire not the crystal kingdom. If this comes into play as part of the stories plot later then, oops my bad!
sigh. Me perv.
Really nice story. I'm loving the plotline!! Good work.
So, I must say there are quite a few grammar mistakes. Like, quite a lot.
HOWEVER.
The plot line is intriguing, the characterization is nearly spot on, and the story is entertaining. I for one am looking forward to seeing a TON more.
Also, I am going to guess that ponies were created in a laboratory by humans. Ceethirteen probably means C-13, which is a classification. Could be wrong, but its what I would do.
Keep it up! Can't wait for the next chapter!
-Dragonfeith
Sorry, like I said, this is my first Fimfic. I'll try to correct them and not write them in chapter II
Sorry, had a blank there. fixing!
I'll try to think of a new one.
thanks everypony!
John Hammond. And InGen. Of course. First dinosaurs now ponies.
Whoops. That's not meant to be part of the story. Fixing.
3501415
Just don't use the "Humanity-Failed" cliche, we have seen enough of that already...
Anyways, story seems promising.
There's a "c" in excited.
3509225
Thanks! fixed it.
3509341 You got two more instances left. CTRL + F
3509364
fixed I hope. Thanks
Heh. Sorry
So, Equestria is a dream world or a computer simulation?
this is awesome, hands down.
3773229
thanks!
yaaay!
Weird. I wonder how they survived so long?
I have to agree with you, no one gives a crap about what Rarity is doing huh?
Thanks you?
ITS A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!!!!
Good story.but it's pace varies. Try to steady it.
This story is getting good.
Is it just me or did twilight sound disturbingly specieist and expansionist?
she did
where is the next chapter? it must come soooooon
3991103 I'm sorry, I haven't been able to work n it lately, but he next chapter in about 75% written. I'll be able to work on it again f a day or two.
moar stat!
"it is made up of Memory Orbs."
Twilight's eyes widened. "But princess, those are dangerous! They were outlawed in Equestria ages ago!" The princess smiled.
"BITCH, I AM THE LAW!"
That escalated quickly...
Like...what?
"Don't hurt Scootaloo!"
"You are all going to die now"
I have a feeling from bay's reaction that the elements of harmony are a little darker then they appear...
Anyways that escalated quickly, can't wait to see whats next
Great job good sir
I am interested in seeing where this is going...
I came before :3
Eh?
It took them 3 tries to create an artificial species?
More like technology can only progress so far with magic.
5021874
Ah. Thanks.
3926426
Appparently all ponies are like that, beggining with Celestia.
Pacing needs a bit of work in this chapter, it seems rushed. Try to slow down, but I know it is hard for new writers to do (since I have trouble myself).
Other than that, bravo! An intriguing start to a fic, I shall now read chapter 2.
Im guessing 'Bay' is short for 'Beta', the brown Terra subject? How could an original earth pony have survived for 3000+ years?
4306122 I think his reaction might have been to her saying "you need to learn your place" like with the pegasus bully from the Rainbow Lab. Could have brought on his inner demons or something.
5022570 I don't think that was a correction...
5088184 I changed the could in my sentence to the can in yours. Just bad grammar on my part... I think.
Oh damn. Equestria has no idea whats coming...
This is an interesting development... only question I have is WHY did humans leave in the first place?
This is not a good sign...
You've repeated the same scene from a different perspective twice now, are you developing writers block? Or perhaps you are trying to force out your writing too quickly, without proper planning for the chapter?
You should probably take it a bit slower, develop your story naturally and give it plenty of thought to what goes where, whose perspective to use etc.
Also, try not to jump back in time outside of flashbacks and 'meanwhile' short scenes. It tends to break immersion and give readers dèjá vu.
Other than that, fic is going good! I like your take on pony origin and humans returning, I haven't seen that before (although it's probably somewhere). Bravo.
5095212
My original plan was the four perspectives for the scene in one chapter but then I thought "well, maybe if i took it slower and only wrote a 1000 word at a time..." Don't worry. The next bit has been planned out, I've been thinking about it for a while. Hopefully it won't be as much as a filler chapter as these last few have been. We're finally past this dumb scene!
Thanks for all your help, by the way!
Too much telling. Not enough showing.