This story comes in two parts: The Nightmare Chronicles and The Nightmare Chronicles: Rapture. Rapture is filled with mature content so I am submitting them seperately.
In TNC, Nightmare Moon is brought back by the Moonmare Apprentice she created. Upon her arrival NM banishes several ponies to Alquestria. Which is the distant world Alicorns came from. Everything Alquestria related is covered in Rapture.
The plot thickens, Nightmare Moon And Tyrant Celestia (who is pink not white btws) have been working in concert for 1000 years to take over complete power from the True Princesses. The Tyrant as a disembodied spirit has been manipulating celestia all this time, successfully obtaining the knowledge needed to harness the power of the elements of harmony via the friendship reports.
At this point I have 3-4 conflicting plot twists. Havent decided yet. And to acctualy get here i have a buck load of Writing to do. So thats what I got for now.
Maxypony
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Chapters (3)
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Authors note: I haven't edited any of this yet since I haven't been bored enough for that yet. And since TNC is more a driver for Rapture, which is the main fic... I wont have many chapters up for a while.
(one in particular needs to be completely rewritten and a few others need to be modifed a bit)
As with everything TNC I have written up to this point, every chapter was to be redone and expanded before I submitted it in the first place.
But then I realized some critical readership could be helpful to my bog of writers block.
And this comment was supposed to just say.
Didn't edit it, sorry for not capitalizing N's Moon a few times...
Enjoy!!
For starters you should, break up your paragraphs. the hoof symbols are a bit unnecessary.
okay here's a small assignment.
Underlined are phrases that can be shortened but still convey the same idea.
italicized are the words I've changed
in Bold is an entire sentence that you could change.
read these parts out loud and see how you can make them more efficient
While setting her waxing charge into its ritual track in the rapidly darkening dusky starsteeked sky, Luna felt a quite unusual tremor from the glistening first rays of moonlight softly shining from the silvery orb drifting just above the horizon.
Such a tremor troubled Luna, something about it reminded the royal alicorn of her dark, and troubling past.
Luna's keen eyes lit upon her dusky celestial orb, with a remorseful gaze and was pained with old regrets. She deftly tossed her mane into the gentile breeze, and turning aside, Luna returned to her inner sanctum. Shrugging off the strange chills that ran from the foremost tuft of her mane to the longest hairs of her tail, brushing along the cold smooth expanse of the marble hall.
You seem to be making a mistake that many writers make: You use too much flowery language and bring your descriptions and literary phrases WAY over the top. Because this sort of thing happens, it cripples your writing with a fatal flaw: it's boring. I don't want to read three paragraphs on how a pony looks, I can get an image in my head from two to five sentences. Give readers some fast paced drama or action.
You look like you can write. You just need to keep in mind the point where descriptive words that paint an image turn into flowery decorations that distract the reader.