• Member Since 1st Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen April 19th

HyperBlossom7


Your friendly neighborhood disaster lesbian at your service. I write pony words and squee over my ships.

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Pinkie Pie is an earth pony known for her love of making other ponies smile and throwing parties. She loved the idea of anything with the word party in it. When she finds out that Rarity and Applejack have been having Slumber Parties at Twilight Sparkle's house, she feels insulted and decides to spy on them. Then when the three ponies play a game of Truth or Dare, Pinkie Pie makes an unexpected discovery.

Note: This is just a oneshot fanfiction for Twinkie Pie. It's meant to be short and cute, so no fussing about length. Hope you enjoy it!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

The whole "Finding out that you have a crush on me makes me realize I have a crush on you" thing ruined this story, at least in my opinion. There wasn't much else to complain about though, so I think you could be a good writer.

3498954

Well again I'm not so good at doing Pony romance. Sorry haha.

I have to say, I'm a huge supporter of this ship and I found this story to be very cute. I'm honestly pretty surprised that it didn't have more comments. Anyway, I think you nailed both Pinkie and Twilight down pretty well, considering it's a one-shot. One of my complaints would be that it was really short, but that's not that big of a deal.

Criticism time. Grammatically, I think you did very well here. One thing I would like to point out, however, is that it's "Sugarcube Corner" and not "Sugar Cube Corner." That's a personal pet peeve. This story felt sort of like it was just a recollection of events--this happened, then this happened, and then that happened. This can happen when there isn't a lot of variety in sentence structure. When writing you want to be aware of how everything sounds to make sure it doesn't get repetitious, or too similar sounding. That disinterests a lot of people. To fix this in the future, try noticing the punctuation. If several sentences pass by and the sentences feel short, with a single independent clause (with a single period and no commas), it may be time to mix things up. Simple sentences vs. complex. Variety, always.

On a positive note, I thought you did very well on your dialogue. The tags were done properly (you didn't capitalize the 'she said' after dialogue), which is something I feel is important to point out. A lot of people make that mistake, including me when I started writing.

Other than that, I liked this story. I have to agree with a previous comment and say that the idea of Pinkie liking Twilight only because she liked her is a bit of a turn off, but that wasn't a big deal to me. Feelings are gentle and should be built up over time, especially in fiction. I understand that this was a one-shot, but I feel that this idea could've been a lot better had it been developed as a multi-chapter fic. Even so, a bit of elaboration could've done wonders here, rather than just saying "Pinkie liked her now that she knew Twilight held feelings for her." Make sure to take your time and not rush things.

Overall, I think this is a sweet story, with an adorkable couple. I'll go ahead and favorite and thumb it up, only because I think it deserves it. Keep writing, and you'll definitely improve! :twilightsmile:

Okay it was adorabibble.:rainbowkiss:
I mean that's not how love works, you don't kiss them after just there mare friend. That only happens in love stories.:ajbemused: but sence this is Twinkie and a love story, and your making that face,:applecry:, I like it. Cause it is really adorable.:ajsmug:

Eh. Saccarine and water. It`s as if you`re trying to explain lesbian romance to five years old.

Like you said, since there is no hard evidence as to what Pinkie is like when she is in love, it can make it hard. Good news: you have enough of a personality to make her love for another pony in several ways. Typically, if you want it to match her personality, Pinkie Pie would be very open about her feelings, but it might hold her back a little from conveying them if she feels that it might hinder her friendship with the pony she loves. This will make her attempt to find a way to figure out if she could possibly get the pony to notice her more before attempting to make an advancement on them (if it works out). However, if she knows or is confident in the answer she will get or won't have to worry about losing a friend, she will come out and say it plainly. Also, with this, she isn't afraid to say it in front of other ponies; the confessee might, but she will be fine saying it.

If you are more interested in shy Pie, which it can be possible that she is all happy and everything but can be very nervous in front of the one she likes, then that's an option. For this, she is herself, except she has more exaggerate actions and speech in front of the person she likes. She will try her best to hold a smile, but the closer the one she likes gets, the more she breaks down; being touched by this pony would be sure to either freak Pinkie into running away with a beating chest or faint (depending on point of contact, and if eye contact is made). She will try a little harder to be funnier than usual, even though the one she likes typically won't notice the difference. By being a try hard, she might mess up, such as juggling and dropping the items on her head. Nervous and sheepish laughs seal the deal, and stuttering makes the whole thing 10 times funnier. (Same rules apply for close contact [stutters more when they are close]).

These are my two favorite love-struck Pinkie's. There are more, and it takes a little experimenting to get it to be compatible with her personality. I prefer to see either of these two Pinkie's when I read her stories because they compliment her personality really well, and it makes her adorable when she is in love. Hopefully this helps you with your Pinkie problem. If you would like more information on either of these two personalities, going as far as typical quirks, actions, or expressions made with them, or if you would like more personalities to choose from for love-struck Pinkie, just shoot me a PM. Pinkie is a very nice character with a flamboyant personality that can be dabbled with in many ways.

Anyways, the story was nice a cute. You had a few grammatical errors that I attempted to see. Sadly, I am still a little drunk, so I probably won't find them again if I go back right now. You got Pinkie's personality nicely, and the love interest was interesting. By that, I mean how you made Pinkie fall in love with Twilight because Twilight liked Pinkie; however, it is not a bad thing. I can definitely see Pinkie pulling a stunt like this. Spike was good for the two lines that he had. Twilight was a little... different from her typical personality as far as what happened at the end. You did try to make it short and simple, which is fine. Overall, it was a good story. No review from me today because... well, I'm drunk. I had a hard time writing just this alone. Keep up the good work!

Only for you and nothing more,
Fort Impression

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