Christian brony who loves writing superpowers and emotional depths.
Nine months after the defeat of Heimdallr, Fluttershy finally lives a peaceful life among her friends. However, she is still a Dragonlord, who has sworn to protect those who can't protect themselves. A building that caught on fire forces Fluttershy to obey her oath, and use her abilities to save a young filly from it.
Approved as canon side story to Last of the Dragonlords by Fluttershy20
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Yes, Fluttershy forgot to use her wings inside the building, when she met Sunshine, as she did so many times during the Last of the Dragonlords and the offical sequel.
Hey, doing translation is my job
3507222
Don't worry, my Norwegian was only enough to know which part of Fluttershy's oath I wanted to quote in my story. So practically it was still you who did the translation
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Cute story.
Aww, good to see the little filly is safe and sound.
Anyway, I do find it strange that I am reading a story based on one of my own, but I am glad I did read it, for it was a cute little side story.
Also, a Butterflylord... hmm?
No, no, that's yours to play with, not mine.
butterflylord? Let's leave that to the mmind shall we?
but great story, been a fan of LotDL since the beginning and this definitely ranks worthy as one of its sides stories.
great job
I was fine reading through the first little bit of this. There were some grammatical errors here and there, a few odd choices of words, but nothing to keep me from Dragonlord Fluttershy. Then it hit full force. I would suggest you get an editor to take care of this, because it's not really something I'm comfortable reading at the moment.
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Thank you for your kind words
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About the Butterflylord... well. if you got a good idea Fluttershy20, then go for it as you obviously would make a better story that I would.
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Thank you for your constructive criticism. Could you tell me a few examples about what or where did I do wrong? I'm not a native speaker, therefore I can't really feel what made you uncomfortable. I really want to improve, but I don't know how to.
3509900
Well, let's start with the odd choices of words. A prime example would be the following.
Mirriam-Webster defines desolation as:
1: the action of desolating
2: a : grief, sadness b : loneliness
3: devastation, ruin <a scene of utter desolation>
4: barren wasteland
As such, destruction would be a better choice of words. That's just an example for that. Then there's the grammar. While your mistakes are all minor, they stack up quite frequently. This makes it a bit of a mess to read. Here's a good example.
I've divided the sentence above into two clauses for ease of explanation. The sentence is structured using a preposition, but that'll be a bit harder to explain. Simply put, the subject and verb of any given clause have to agree in number. If the subject is singular, then the verb has to be singular. If the subject is plural, the verb has to be plural. The opposite is also true.
Now, with that being said, if you're going to use things(plural) as a clause's subject, you can't have leaves(singular) as a verb. This mixing of plural and singular is repeated quite frequently from what I can see.
There's quite a bit wrong here. Let's start with the first sentence. Not much to say here, however you're missing a comma after, "the Queen of Horsca".
Second sentence, a bit more problematic. It's quite a heavy run-on sentence, so let's break it down.
That makes it much easier to read, but there's still some problems. In the first clause of the current second sentence, you've mixed your plurals and singulars again. You've got an unnecessary comma in the next sentence.
For the last sentence, the following would be more correct.
Now for the last bit.
That's a bit of a problem. The way you've worded that makes me, and probably other readers, envision a gigantic cigarette rising up from the northern area of Ponyville. By adding two words, we can easily fix this.
Now a reader will not fail to imagine the massive plume of smoke resulting from a burning building. The confusion comes in because smoke is never a singular noun(except for when it is used as a slang term for a cigarette).
So, that's about as far in as I got before I gave up. Hope this helps out!
3511865
Wow, thank you! I fixed the problems you pointed out. Now I know what to look for.
About the expression "desolation of Heimdallr". It is a reference to Desolation of Smaug, the upcoming Hobbit movie. So it was an intended to sound 'strange'
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Glad I could help. I forgot that the Hobbit was gonna be a trilogy, too.
I wonder if we'll ever find our Flutterdragonlord seeking love? :)