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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is really awesome, can't wait to read more!
A very interesting concept in this chapter and I want to know more of what will become of rainbow dash's new found activity
aw man, THAT WAS AWSOME! Like i said in the first chapter!!!!! OMG YES
Every couple of paragraphs I read something that feels like a punch to the gut. You are getting knee-jerk emotional responses from me. I can't read this all right now. Thumbs up, faved.
OH you clever, clever, author.
You show recovery for Rainbow early to give the reader a good feeling. But I just realized there's alot more of the story left, and I doubt is gonna be 20 chapters of hunky dory rainbow dash.
Evil, evil, evil author...
Hmm, I like the concept and the story overall, but I feel there's something lost in the execution. You will have to forgive me for being a little frank here, and really it might be a matter of personal preference, but I think it is worth bringing up. Also note that I might be nitpicking a bit, for which I am sorry.
The narrative comes off as a bit choppy. Some sentences are too wordy, others are too short. Spacing between lines of dialogue are awkward in places. Some clauses and even whole sentences are unnecessary altogether. There are phrases that seem to be repeated throughout as well. Conversely, some parts of the narrative are blatantly diverse in wording, to the point that it interferes with the natural flow of the story. I will give some examples later on, as I am at work right now and as such am supposed to be working (lol).
One last point, and again this is probably a matter of preference on my part as a reader: I think that the "LOCATION, TIME ELAPSED" labels between scene changes are unnecessary and break up the flow. The opening sentence can set the new scene with more subtlety. For example, instead of "LAKE, 15 MINUTES LATER," the change in the scene can simply be established with the first sentence you have there, especially since such a short amount of time had elapsed. It's okay to indicate a change in scene, but I recommend using a *** or a ~ to indicate as much.
I think the one thing that would improve this story the most would be to simply reread it, and ask yourself after reading each sentence, "Do the readers need to know this?" A good story reveals only what it has to in order to show the readers instead of telling. The story as it is, while I found it enjoyable, came off as heavily padded. There is a bit of pruning that could be done here. Other than that, you are doing a fair job as it is, and I encourage you to continue.
Very good and interestin so far. Though im still a little down that had to die
well this story is an interesting concept but i have to say this rainbow dashs recovery is not very medically based. I had friend who was in a vey bad car accident and lost all his memories and had to relearn everything. When i first saw him he looked at me in fear and confusion. He recovered in roughly 3 years at least his memories. He still has mental and physical issues and its been 5 years now. oh and if anyone is wondering who this is his name is Micha Potts.
So much feel!
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Very very cool! Gosh the tallent that is in the fandom is amazing! and seriously, this is an amazing example!! I loved it. I love love loved it! Keep up on that writing itamazing and I see a futur for it
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I LOVE THIS! :D I started reading it because of some fanart on Deviantart, but this is by far such an amazing tale! Beautifully written! So bittersweet :) I'll be commenting again when I finish!
I think this story gonna be good. I will read more in hour.
This is pretty bad lol, the pacing is terrible and almost everything the characters are saying especially dash is just unrealistic and wouldn't really be happening if she suffered that badly. I mean come on, 24 hours and she's fine? Gonna have to stop reading here.
I don't really like how everyone's like 'oh no Rainbow' and doesn't even care that Pinkie Pie not only went insane, but is now dead.
Funny that Pinkie became insane, killed many ponies, and died but nopony cares lol
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1962078 What do you mean nopony cares? There's a whole investigation going on.
here is pinkies motto "see the rainbow torture the rainbow taste the rainbow kill the rainbow eat the rainbow flavored cupcake.".
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More like Taste the Rainbow, Bake the Rainbow.
Something I noticed. Multiple times, it has been stated that Rainbow is swimming in a lake. But then, this line magically appears:
I don't know about you, but it seems a bit odd to be referencing sea creatures and seaweed IN A LAKE! A body of fresh water!
Other than that, this was pretty good.
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(This is a response to a comment that is hidden due to bad ratings. "Just thought you'd want to know." -Prof. Querrel)
I nearly gave a thumbs up to your comment, but I can't. It's a little too harsh. Anyways, I do agree with you on some points.
My suggestions for the author:
The story is a bit rushed, and it was poorly edited (if at all). You need to do lots of proofreading. Maybe brush up on your grammar a little bit before writing a story. Look at and fix your sentence structures, and use commas and other such markings appropriately. Also, if you're going to make a story about the mane 6 (or any cannon character), you should really consider matching their personalities and usage of speech to the show and what we know to be cannon, such as, I don't think I've ever heard Applejack say, "Imma," ever. The way the characters speak in this story is off by a little bit to how they talk in the show. Another suggestion, QUIT SWITCHING BETWEEN "EVERYBODY/ONE" AND "EVERYPONY!" Choose one to use (preferably "everypony," because come on, we're talking about Equestrial right?), don't keep switching it for every chapter. Try to stay consistent with what you write. It makes the story flow better. To keep the story consistent (and accurate), if you want the story to work properly, you have to do some research. I'm no expert on pegasus anatomy, but I think this goes for almost any mammal. Amputations of limbs (wings maybe) can cause extreme blood loss and possibly shock. Rainbow Dash would not be riding out of the hospital at that time, let alone walking. She just had red hot iron spikes driven through her hooves, so at four days of hospitalization, the pain of walking would be debilitating. I know this is Equestria, and many of our natural laws can be broken there, but still.
Well that was my one rant for today. I'm sorry if this comment was a repeat of what other self-appointed reviewers said, but many of them are correct. I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble. I intend all of my suggestions to be friendly advice , even the all caps part (I had to put emphasis on it for personal reasons). Thank you for your time.
~~ fredsite ~~
P.S.: I was very tired when I wrote this, so there may be grammar mistakes in my rant about grammar mistakes. Oops.
Later Edit and P.P.S.: I know that there have been many people wondering why there was nopony mourning the loss of Pinkie Pie, but I would like to make a suggestion for the future. If you're going to kill off one of the mane six (or any one of the protagonists from the show), SOMEPONY must mourn them, even if they were an antagonist in the story. It troubles me to think that the loss of Pinkie went unnoticed by nearly everypony, including her closest friends (Rainbow Dash has only had night terrors about the night, not Pinkie specifically). Even if everypony didn't mourn for her, there must be some emotion felt by everypony towards her. Also, I'm sure that there would be some more discussion on the circumstances of Pinkie's mental state and death than just some, "there is an investigation going on," type brush-off. That's it. I don't think I can find any more flaws. If I do, I will come back and edit this comment. I will also eventually move it to the last chapter of the story and post it as a review if I can. Don't worry, I will leave a link to it when the day comes
3092996 to reply to the part about Pinkie Pie, there are sequel stories to this one, where they address Pinkie Pie. Not just the aftermath, but what was actually going through her head when she did all those murders. I don't see them here but I know there on fanfiction.net
698964 Evil, EVIL author!
Um...shouldn't Apple Bloom be dead? Her head was in Pinkie's basement.
to many of the comment along the lines of RD-is-healing-inralisicly and only-***-long-and-she's-up-and-around, let me do my best do defend (mostly explain) these valid issues. the author was going for a heartwarming/emotional recovery not the physical or realistic portrayal of recovery. and considering this is only 10% done, I think he is building false comfort which is generally an esaly-made-affective story element... just sayin.
I really love how you treated and dealt with the children-finding-out bits with AB and Scoots. you showed us with AJ how most treat the situation and it's executionable problems. being unhealthy curiosity, mistrust, and thinking more BOSS then sister. then to rectify the situation you have hurricane fluttershy RD (yes very much cannon behavior on HER part) showing us an admirable example of teaching children with proper dignity, honesty and sympathy it take to get them to understand touchy/adult/severity of situations like this. koodos man!
4302501 I doubt it. Didn't the original ending have Apple Bloom alive and well (and about to kill Silver Spoon)?
I
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4302501
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It was one of Apple Bloom's classmates (look at the original link at the top of chapter one). In the follow up fic, which happens after Dash is dead. Apple Bloom was taken in as an apprentice and killed Silver Spoon.
But Apple Bloom never showed up in the part with Dash.
I'm re-reading this! I love it so freakin much!
Keep going Rainbow, I'm rooting for you.
This brings back a ton of memories.
The first two arcs were, along with Bittersweet, the first MLP fanfics I've read to completion.
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Thanks for reading, as always!
"what am i, chopped hay?"