They say if I post an update within the year, there will be six more weeks of winter.
As a long time anti-brony, Morgan has always hated Friendship Is Magic. It doesn't help that his two best friends are bronies that are hell bent on getting him to give the show a try. However, an encounter with a certain 4th wall breaking party pony brings him into Equestria, and now he must learn how to adapt and somehow find a way home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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I require more!
What you've got so far is good. Hope it gets better.
PINKIE! I told you to stop breaking the fourth wall! Now look what's happened! You have a HUMAN here!
Here have a track and this genocidal, planet destroying Rainbow Dash.
img.ponibooru.org/images/02/0245a7dc410872d0d4fdada1071e398d
Welcome to the herd!
I can't wait for more, but I demand a scene where it shows them watching the show and seeing their friend in it, that is, if you want too....
BUM BUM BUMMM
As for critique, you should focus on improving five items in this story:
1. Characterization: I don't think I got a definitive "vibe" or "feel" from Morgan. His only trait exposed in this chapter is his hate for MLP. You shouldn't allow this to be his one "focused factor", even if his character is really just meant to be the average guy. What is he like when not hating on cartoon ponies? Does he have a job? Is he in school? What is he studying? Will anything he knows come in handy as a "Chekhov's Skill"? In fact, I don't think we know what he even looks like--or his friends either. So your characterization should use some work.
2. Information: again, not a whole lot of describing going on. We know that Morgan and his brony buddies are hanging out, we know they're trying to make Morgan join the herd, and we know they've tried this before. But we don't really know how it all led up to this. We don't know what anybody looks like. We don't really know very much at all, in fact. The trick is to describe everything as if you've been in that place (how does it feel to be there? How does it smell? What objects can you see? Things like that), or you've actually met that character in person.
3. Variation: This doesn't really need much improvement. You did a good job in leaving out things that would have been fluff, or inconsequential to the story. The style should come out more with better variation, though. Try describing things in a tone that is a mixture of both what Morgan is feeling at the moment, and your own personal whimsy.
4. Content: This doesn't need much either. Lots of things happened in this chapter: We are introduced to the characters and Morgan's situation, Morgan is dared to watch MLP, he does, he gets warped into the place, and his friends are worried. All in all, stuffed with content, considering it's mean as a springboard for something bigger.
5. Flow: No problems yet! Each sentence segues neatly into the next one, with every paragraph having meaning. The problem with it is that it just feels a tad bare. This can be fixed by taking the other advice I gave you regarding Information and Variation.
If you can fix these, you can become a better writer. And once you make one improvement, just go make more! You can do it!
<(KEEP TRY!)
314360 Thank you for the critique! This will be helpfull for me, and I can already think of how to improve the first 2 points a lot.I was hesitant to do a large description of Axel and Brycen since I was afraid of it not being important enough to the plot, but I can see how I can make it work, and also how to describe things better. When I go through it and edit tomorrow, it should be much better. I'm saving some characterization for Morgan, such as his talents and backstory in the next chapter, but I'll try to fix up how he is presented here as well. Thanks again for the advice
fascinating... more plz? it's refreshing to have a sucked-into Equestria story that isn't about some dude's dreams of going into the show.
...Interesting. I am intrigued.
314287 Stay tunned. I think you'll be glad with what you see in the later chapters
And everyone else, thanks for the kind words, and I'm glad you guys like the concept. I have a long way to go with this story so I hope what I have in store keeps you guys as entertained as this chapter did.
Oh oh oh! Can he bring a shotgun with him? And possibly some ammo... and combustible lemons! Yes, those will do nicely... Heey why not give him a necrominicon
Imagine the chaos, destruction, explosions, flying ragdolls, hordes of undead, demons and bloodthirsty BUNNIES! AHAHAHA... 
Shut up crazy me! We're trying to be normal, remember?!
Blah blah blah, you're no fun sometimes sane me...
Ekhem... all those things aside, good story and... erm... have a nice day, yeach...
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THE HERD DEMANDS IT.
The part of the eye with color is not the pupil; it's the iris.
359422 Thanks, I can't believe I forgot that, lol. Fixed it.
INTERESTING, ME GUSTA
Hmm, OK, everything seems much improved in this chapter, very good.
Only one problem. The descriptions, and the sentences.
One thing that bugs most folks is lack of descriptions, and that's a legitimate gripe. What else is legitimate is the oversaturation of a sentence. Think of it this way: a sentence can only contain so much before it bursts and you get a mess of words all over the floor.
One way to tighten up your information is to eliminate wordiness. When you go back to edit your work (and I hope on Celestia's graceful wings you do), you need to not only be on the lookout for lacking descriptions, but words that do absolutely nothing for the description. Observe:
I stopped when I noticed that Pinkie Pie was now crying. At first she was just looking at me with incredibly sad eyes, with tears forming in the corners of her eyes, but not that I had just stopped, she let the waterworks start. In an incredible cartoony manor, she started sobbing like a child as a huge stream of water shot out of both of her eyes like miniature waterfalls. I have no idea how she's able to cry like that, but it was none the less pretty sad to say. I'm still pretty stressed and angry about the whole situation, so I guess letting out all the anger shocked her too much. I could actually fell myself feeling bad for saying all of that to her, and I couldn't let her just sit here and keep crying.
No paragraph needs to be this long. Paragraphs are separated by their ideas: one is about a child tripping on a stone, the next is about how she hollered when she hit the ground, the one after that is about everyone coming to comfort her, etc.
This paragraph does not need to be seperated into ideas, since it's only about Pinkie Pie's reaction to Morgan's outburst. Now, I want you to look closely at the idea of this paragraph:
Pinkie Pie begins crying as Morgan yells at her.
This idea is a single sentence that is nine words long. The paragraph that contains this idea is almost a hundred words long. Do you see the problem? It should not take an author this many words to describe one action.
How can we reduce the amount of words here, but still retain an interesting amount of description? Easy. We strike a balance. We be as descriptive as possible in our paragraph, but at the same time, we eliminate the "fatty" words: the words that don't need to be there. The words that do nothing to help move the story along.
Therefore, our paragraph is now:
My voice gradually became quiet as Pinkie began to cry. Her eyes shimmered, oversaturated with tears, until finally, she burst into that classic cartoonish cry: lots of wailing, waterfalls of tears, the works. Even though I found it amusing to watch, at the same time I felt bad for making her cry.
Boom. All the description needed for the action of Pinkie crying.
I understand also that these descriptions are coming from the first-person view of someone who may not have much experience in the art of language. But that does not excuse poor narration, and wordiness--that unnecessary fatness of a sentence--should be removed in order to improve one's writing.
But other than that, you seem to be improving nicely.
<(YOU CAN DO THIS! KEEP TRY!)
I agree with Brony_Fife, it is improving greatly, and it is still amusing to read.
359488 Thanks again for the advice. It's very much appreciated
I went back through, made the specific correction you recommended, and fixed some other things and divided up more lengthy paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. I actually also found quite a few grammatical mistakes, like some typos that my spell check didn't pick up on, and missing words. I'm kind of kicking myself from how many instances I found. Hopefully the chapter looks much better now, and I'll try to find a good balance in descriptions for chapter 3.
359422NO, THE PUPIL IS BLACK THE IRIS IS THE COLORED PART
"Everything will be peachy."
You just keep telling yourself that. MAYBE it will even come true.
337460
i.imgur.com/b8nFv.gif
The second he said "It's called sweet apple massacre" I threw my laptop to the ground, And covered my face and started yelling "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!!!"
img7.imagebanana.com/img/kvucb02z/WHYEngineer.jpg
This is actually alot like a story I'm planning to write after my current one is done. Have you been reading my mind
I knew I shouldn't have left it on the table
OH CRAP WHERE IS IT!
Where is Spike?
Canterlot. Official Duty.
Easiest explanation available.
I would love to see him explain fanfics to them!
Another good chapter, I'm still curious if he is going to be in the show and if his friends are going to see it though.
314449
What this needs is a better story picture. Maybe I can help?
534035 Sure
What do you recommend?
534801
Morgan As a human Staring at pinkie pie with the expression "What the fuck"
and Pinkie pie Smiling that lovable goody grin she has while half-way through the T.V.
I'm an artist and might be able to draw that, But I don't think you would like Traditional art in black and white as your story picture.
But if you do, here is some of my Work
534868
That would be awesome dude. It says your album isn't publicly available, but either way, I still think it would be awesome to have that as the picture so if you want to then I'd be happy to use it 
534952
Ah, Sorry about that. here ya go.
534970 I like your drawing style, can't wait to see how it turns out
534980
All I need from you is a Description of Morgan.
I saw the video of Morgan, and the way you portray him in the story seems a bit off. IRL Morgan seems like a ragequit-every-time douche, whereas the guy in the story has elaborate speaking skills that seem befitting of people with class. Lol. Just pointing that out
I saw the video of Morgan, and the way you portray him in the story seems a bit off. IRL Morgan seems like a ragequit-every-time douche, whereas the guy in the story has elaborate speaking skills that seem befitting of people with class. Lol. Just pointing that out
527673
Is that what the superintelligent shade of blue painted on my wall is?
because he says to say hi to your physical body.
565133 Hi physical body
google.com/imgres?start=425&um=1&hl=xx-bork&safe=off&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&tbm=isch&tbnid=cpHYGWVZod1vDM:&imgrefurl=http://wintercoffin.tumblr.com/post/19953682327&docid=Qh5H1za_Ac4zuM&imgurl=http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110531161024/halofanon/images/f/f9/Meme_-_Disgust.jpg&w=600&h=469&ei=-lqvT4DkJeae2QWo_O3pCA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=660&sig=110473028833789751257&page=13&tbnh=129&tbnw=168&ndsp=42&ved=1t:429,r:39,s:425,i:171&tx=63&ty=92&biw=1280&bih=774
527533media.desura.com/images/members/1/373/372695/epic-fail.jpg
I wish xlPinkie would talk to me through my TV
Anyway I like the story as far as plot goes nothing negative.
UPDATE PLEAAAAAAAAAASE
683286 Ask and you shall receive
God why, I disliked SAM. I really hope AJ doesn't find out about it.
More.
Took a while, but that's okay, great chapter though.
"Oh joy"
I lol'd
I guess it would be cool if we could have more...if you wouldn't mind.
Now, I believe Lyra will somehow play an important role in getting Morgan home. Also, it is great to see that you updated!
Please update more.
Looks like Spike should be joining us soon enoughstatic.fjcdn.com/comments/this+is+the+quot+you+don+t+say+quot+face+_d3d47eea8a14bd3a870bef4ef7e56686.jpg
Your friends are evil making you read that oh well at least it wasn't *shudders* "Cupcakes"
719181 Don't worry, I had him read Cupcakes too. And a Pokemon fan fic that is also very disturbing,but that's a different story.