This Can't Be Happening

by StayOuttaMyShed

Chapter 7.5: Interview With a Human

“Tell. Me. EVERYTHING!”

Lyra leaned forward and grinned as Morgan fidgeted in his seat. He was sitting on a sofa in Lyra’s living room while she sat in a chair opposite of him, holding a pencil and notepad in the air with her magic. Between them was a wooden coffee table where a small device sat. Morgan looked puzzled and rubbed the back of his head.

“So, what’s that thing for?”

“It’s a recording device,” Lyra replied. “Runs on magic. Now let’s get started!”

“Well… where do you want me to start?” Morgan asked.

“Tell me about the world you come from,” Lyra replied, bouncing in her seat with a huge smile. “What’s it like?”

“It’s, uh, a lot like this world, I guess. Just with humans instead of ponies.”

“So there’s no ponies where you come from?” Lyra asked with a raised eyebrow, eyeing Morgan’s face as she tried to read him.

“Oh, yeah, we have ponies. They’re just not intelligent back home. They’re animals.”

There was a pause before Lyra slowly wrote this down in her notepad with a raised eyebrow.

“Think of it this way,” Morgan started. “There’s animals here that aren’t intelligent like you ponies. They can’t talk and do things the way you guys do. Bunnies, for example. That’s how ponies are back where I come from. Pretty much everything besides humans are that way.”

“Ponies can’t even speak?” Lyra asked.

“Nope,” Morgan said, shaking his head. “They just stand around eating hay. Humans like to ride on them. I really liked horseriding when I was a kid.”

“Oooh, show me!”

Lyra hopped off of the chair and squatted, all while grinning up at Morgan.

“You… want me to ride you?” Morgan asked.

Lyra gleefully nodded her head. “It all sounds so fascinating! I’d like to properly experience how ponies live in your world.”

“I, uh, don’t think that’ll work with me being a pony,” Morgan hesitantly replied, blushing like someone spilled red paint on his face. “I’m kind of heavy.”

“Nah, it’ll be fine. I’m stronger than I look!”

Morgan looked around nervously, making sure Bon-Bon was nowhere to be seen. He glanced at the windows to make sure the curtains were blocking the view from the outside. He sighed.

“It’s a good thing the people that think we’re dating can’t see this…”

Reluctantly, Morgan straddled Lyra and sat on her back. She grunted, but kept her smile and stayed strong.

“Alright, now what?” Lyra asked.

“Now just walk around.”

Lyra did as Morgan said and began walking around the room while he sat on her back. It was easy enough for her at first, but Morgan was as heavy as a sack of bricks. Morgan eyed her curiously, making sure he wasn’t crushing her. Lyra tried to keep her enthusiastic smile, but it slowly faded the more she walked. It was getting painful to support his weight, but there was something strangely enjoyable about riding him around the room, however, any enjoyment she was having left as she began to struggle carrying him any farther. She was prepared to collapse when Morgan saw her wobbling and quickly flew off.

“That was… interesting,” Lyra said as she panted and made her way back to her chair. “Why do humans do that, anyway?”

“Mostly as a mode of transportation,” Morgan replied as he went back to the couch. “Some people race horses, though. And kids just like to ride them because they like ponies.”

“Fascinating!” Lyra let out a small squee and bounced up and down. “I’m learning so much! Tell me more about human life. What is it like?”

“A lot like pony life, actually. We go to work or school, go shopping for food and supplies, relax with stuff like reading and videogames, spend time with friends and family. You ponies actually aren’t much different.”

Lyra notice a sort of realization in Morgan’s eyes as he said this. She grinned and jotted this down in her notepad.

“Surely there has to be some differences between humans and ponies,” Lyra said.

“Well sure,” Morgan replied. “I mean, we have hands and feet instead of hooves. None of us have wings or magic horns, either. That’s pretty different, I guess.”

Lyra narrowed her eyes and leaned in closer. “Come ooooon, Morgan, there has to be more differences than that.”

Morgan sat and pondered what else there was to say. He shrugged and leaned back.

“Well, if I’m being honest, ponies here are a lot nicer than humans,” Morgan said. “I mean, most people back home ARE nice, but there’s a lot of messed up people where I come from. Murderers, thieves, rapists. Worst thing I’ve seen a pony here do is try to make it night all the time.”

“We have bad ponies like that here in Equestria, too.”

“Well, I don’t think there’s nearly as many of them here as there is back home,” Morgan replied.

“So you like it better here?” Lyra asked.

“Now I didn’t say that,” Morgan quickly replied, almost sounding offended. “This place is definitely nicer, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing. All the bright colors and smiling faces everywhere in this world could make a guy like me barf. I don’t hate this place or anything, but it definitely took some getting used to. Guess that’s what I should expect from a little girl’s cartoon, but still.”

“A little girl’s cartoon? What do you mean by that?”

Morgan’s eyes went wide and he swore under his breath.

“Oh, nothing. Say, wanna hear more about the planet humans live on?” Morgan asked, eager to quickly change the subject.

Lyra’s face went from confusion to joy as she nodded her head in approval. “Oh, yes please!”

“OK, so we live on this planet called Earth,” Morgan explained. “Lot of water there. The land is broken up into a bunch of different continents. Those continents are broken up into different countries. Each country has their own history and culture that’s different from the other ones.”

“What’s your country like?” Lyra asked.

“It’s pretty alright,” Morgan replied. “I’ve visited other countries before, but I don’t think I’d want to stay in any of them. Life can be pretty good where I live. A lot of people from other countries call us fat and stupid, but those are just stereotypes. You guys do any stereotyping here in Equestria?”

“Kind of,” Lyra said. “Like, there’s some ponies who always assume that everypony from places like Canterlot and Manehattan are prim and proper, that they’re uptight and no fun. Stuff like that. But enough about us, tell me more about your world!”

“Well, in different areas of my world, places look way different. Like, in one part of the world you might see a bunch of sand and it’ll be hot as heck, while in other places it’s all icy and cold. Even in one country there can be loads of differences depending on where you are.”

“How about all these different countries you keep mentioning?” Lyra asked as she scribbled in her notepad. “How are they different from each other?”

“Differences in cultures is the big thing,” Morgan replied. “I mean, every place has their own rich history and traditions. There’s a bunch of other things too. Like, there’s different languages, different governments, even different kinds of food.”

“How is the food different?”

“It’s hard to explain. Some countries are just known for certain kinds of food. There’s even some things acceptable to eat in some places that other places would never serve as food. Like countries that eat dog.”

“They eat dogs?” Lyra screamed, eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Like I said, each country is different.”

“This is all so amazing to listen to,” Lyra said with a cheery smile. “But now I want you to tell me more about yourself and how life is for you.”

Morgan raised an eyebrow. “You... want me to tell you about my life?” His eyes darted about uncomfortably before settling back on Lyra. “Like, uh, like my personal life?”

Lyra grinned and nodded. “I wanna know how life was like for you as a human before coming to Ponyville.”

“I, uh, I dunno,” Morgan said almost hopefully as he continued to fidget uncomfortably. “Wouldn’t that stuff bore you?”

“Absolutely not,” she said with a gleeful sparkle in her eyes. “Like I said, tell me everything!”

Morgan took another look at the windows, then looked around for Bon-Bon once more.

“If it’s Bon-Bon you keep checking for, she isn’t coming back for another hour or so,” Lyra said. “I asked her to give us plenty of time for the interview. It’s just you and me here!”

After taking one last look at the front door, Morgan sighed and began thinking.

“Well… I don’t really want to give you my life story but I guess I could just kind of go over the big details. The place I live back home is in the country. Not like the deep country or anything where you hear banjos and see hillbillies everywhere, but it’s definitely country. You know how I said people from other countries call mine fat and stupid?”

Lyra nodded.

“Well, there’s a few people near me that don’t exactly help get rid of that stereotype,” Morgan continued. “Most people aren’t like that, but my kind of area is one of the main places where those stereotypes come from. Besides that, I can’t complain about the area. A lot of great and hospitable people there. The mountain scenery is beautiful, and there’s always plenty to do. There’s this one town just an hour or so away that has this cool amusement park and stuff. They got this museum dedicated to Elvis and-”

Morgan looked over and saw that he was starting to lose Lyra as he went into more stuff she didn’t understand. He cleared his throat and looked away.

“Anyway, I’ve had to go to school since I was a kid. I don’t know how long you ponies do education, but our’s lasts like 13 years. And that’s not even counting college.”

Lyra raised an eyebrow.

“It’s this place where people go when they’re done with school to do more school related to what they want to do for a career. Gets them a better job and stuff.”

“Oooooh,” Lyra replied, intrigued with Morgan’s information as she wrote it down in her notepad.

“So anyway, I’m in the middle of finishing up my last year of school before college. School’s alright. I’ve never had much trouble with it. Only in math, really. Algebra is bullshit.”

“You have a very odd vocabulary,” Lyra suddenly replied. “I’ve never heard that word before.”

“It kind of ties back into what I said about ponies being nicer than humans,” Morgan said. “We have all these curse words we say for certain stuff when we get mad or frustrated, or if we just wanna be rude. I don’t know why we say them, we just do.”

“Interesting,” Lyra said. “Continue!”

“Alright, so yeah, school. Getting an education is all fine and good, but if you ask me, the best part about school is meeting people. School is how you meet your best friends for most people. I’ve never exactly been Mr. Popular, but I’ve still made some great friends. Me and some other guys like to get together, order some pizza, then just kick back and play videogames all night. I was actually in the middle of one of those nights with two of my friends when-”

Morgan trailed off and had a faraway look in his eyes. Lyra, puzzled, looked him over and waited for him to continue. A realization hit her as she saw a tear beginning to form in the corner of his eye.

“You’re feeling homesick, aren’t you?”

“Hm? Oh, uh, no!” Morgan wiped the tear away and shook his head. “Just lost my train of thought.”

Lyra smiled and sat her notepad down.

“You know, it was really hard for me to move here to Ponyville at first,” Lyra said. “I missed my parents so much. If I didn’t have Bon-Bon here to keep me company, I don’t think I would have been able to handle being away from them. I definitely know how you’re feeling.”

Morgan was silent. He looked at the floor and began to get that faraway look in his eyes again.

“They’re probably worried sick about me. Brycen and Axel probably especially feel like crap since this all happened while I was with them.” Morgan saw Lyra giving him a confused look. “Those are the names of two of my friends that I mentioned.”

“I see,” Lyra replied. “Well, I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you when you get back!”

Morgan chuckled and nodded his head. “I’d hope so. I’ve been gone for at least a week now. Some of them probably think I’m dead or something. It’s gonna be wild explaining to them what happened.”

“So what other interesting things can you tell me about yourself?” Lyra asked.

“Can’t really think about much else,” Morgan replied. “Nothing much I could say about my life at home. I got a few cats. Honestly, I mostly hang out with friends and play videogames in my spare time.”

“Well what about dating?” Lyra suddenly asked. “A lot of ponies have been asking me questions about us dating for some reason.”

“You can blame Derpy for that,” Morgan grumbled. “I don’t know, talking about how I am with girls is complicated. Know what I mean?”

“Not really,” Lyra replied with a wry kind of smile. “I haven’t exactly asked a mare out before.”

“But aren’t you and Bon-Bon…”

“Huh? No! Not at all,” Lyra quickly replied. “We’re just friends. I actually think she’s going out with some stallion right now. We just live together.”

“Fair enough,” Morgan said. “Anyway, the whole girl situation is a mess. I’ve had some bad experiences with them.”

“Well, if it’s something you’re uncomfortable with talking about, you don’t have to,” Lyra replied. “But if you DO wanna talk about it, I’m all ears!”

Morgan glanced around before he leaned forward and cleared his throat.

“Well, I’m not exactly what you would call an expert with the ladies. I’ve made very few attempts at actually showing interest in girls after some of my experiences.”

“Go ooooon,” Lyra said in a playful tone.

“There was this one girl a few years ago that actually asked me out. Things were pretty good for about all of one day before she started getting looney on me. Not even a week of dating and she was already talking about marriage and kids and stuff. She started spreading all these rumors of things that we had done, none of which were true. It all freaked me the heck out. I noped out of that relationship before things could get any weirder.”

“Reminds me of a stallion I dated in school,” Lyra replied. “We weren’t even going out for a week and he was threatening anypony who even so much as glanced at me. Super overprotective. Needless to say, we didn’t last long. So is that the only time you’ve tried to form a relationship with a girl?”

Morgan grew silent. He narrowed his eyes and began to glare at nothing in particular. Lyra took note of his stare and cleared her throat.

“I’m, uh, sorry I ask-”

Morgan held a hoof up to Lyra to shush her. He sighed and looked at her.

“I DID try to make things work with one other girl,” he started. “Thought me and her would work out well. Had a lot of things in common, always had a good time talking to her during class, I was fairly certain that she was flirting with me multiple times. I asked my friend Axel for advice and he told me to just go for it and ask her out to a movie. I did, and she shot me down. Said she just wanted to stay friends.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Lyra replied.

“That’s not the bad part,” Morgan continued. “Because two days later another one of my friends showed up at the lunch table and said the he had slept with her.”

Lyra gasped.

“He didn’t know I liked her. Only me and Axel knew. He must have apologized dozens of times after he found out. Still, it really bummed me out that she wanted to go for him and not me. And THAT is why I don’t bother trying to ask out girls anymore.”

Lyra looked at the floor sheepishly and pouted. “Sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Morgan replied before chuckling. “You DID ask me to tell you everything.”

There was another pause. It broke when Morgan suddenly smiled and laughed, relieving the tension that was building in the room. Lyra relaxed and joined in on the laughter.

“So basically, humans got a lot of drama going on for them,” Morgan said once the two of them were done laughing. “I don’t know how much drama you ponies go through, but it’s pretty common for humans. What I told you is nothing compared to some of the stuff other people see.”

“Sounds like life as a human is fascinating,” Lyra replied.

“That’s one word for it.”

Suddenly, dead air drifted between them. Finally, Lyra sighed dreamily.

“... I really wish I could see your world,” she said. “It all sounds just so cool!”

“Well, at least you finally got to confirm that humans are real and find out how life is for them,” Morgan replied.

“And it’s all thanks to you!” Lyra threw her hooves around Morgan and squeezed him tight. “Thank you so much for the interview!”

“Don’t… mention it,” Morgan wheezed out as Lyra continued suffocating him. “Could ya… let me go?”

“Oh, of course.” Lyra broke her hug, making Morgan take a big breath. She giggled and reached down to stop her tape recorder, but she gasped and stopped herself before she pressed the button.

“Actually, there was one more thing I was meaning to ask you,” Lyra said as Morgan finally began breathing normally again. “Just how exactly did you get here from your world?”

Morgan paused.

“I, uh, have only told Twilight and the others about that,” Morgan replied. “I don’t know if I should tell you. You might not like the answer.”

“Pretty please?” Lyra asked while making puppy dog eyes at him.

“You really wanna know?”

Lyra nodded with a huge grin on her face.

Morgan sighed. “Alright, here it goes.”

Slowly, Morgan explained to Lyra what he had explained to Twilight and the others days earlier, how Equestria was a part of a cartoon created by humans from Morgan’s world, and that Pinkie Pie’s reality shattering powers brought him to Ponyville. Lyra listened to the entire story with a dropped jaw and wide eyes.

“So, to sum it up, this place is a world created by my world. I’m here because of Pinkie.”

“That… is… AWESOME!”

Lyra, to Morgan’s surprise, responded to the news of her existence as a cartoon with absolute joy and excitement. “That’s why I’m so interested in humans!” She jumped around the room gleefully. “Because I was made by them!”

“That makes sense, I guess,” Morgan said as he watched Lyra hop right back into her chair.

“Oh my gosh, you know what I should do?” Lyra asked as she grinned in Morgan’s face. “I should write a book about all of this! The story about humans needs to live on for generations!”

“Or until the show gets canceled,” Morgan mumbled to himself.

Suddenly, the door swung open and Bon-Bon strolled in with a full saddlebag on her back. She looked over at the two ponies in the living room and shyly gave them a deer-in-the-headlights stare.

“He’s still here?” Bon-Bon asked. “I can leave if you want me to.”

“Nah, I think I’ve got more than enough for the interview,” Lyra said. “I’m sure Morgan is ready to go home.”

“Right, well, I’ll be in the kitchen.” Bon-Bon trotted off, giving Morgan and Lyra their cue to make their way to the door. Lyra gave him a huge grin as they walked.

“Thanks so much for coming over,” Lyra said. “You have no idea what this interview means to me.”

“Don’t mention it,” Morgan replied with a wave of the hoof. “I actually had some fun telling you about everything. Hey, you and Bon-Bon wanna go get a bite to eat tomorrow? I was going to go with Spike, but he’s got a date with Rarity.”

“Aren’t you worried that everypony is going to keep thinking that we’re going out?” Lyra asked.

“Eh, I don’t really care anymore. I’m not going to convince them that we aren’t, so there’s no point in worrying about it.”

“Then we’ll take you up on that offer,” Lyra replied with a smile. “See you then!”

Morgan waved goodbye and went out the door. Once he was gone, Bon-Bon emerged from the kitchen and stood behind Lyra.

“You didn’t harass that poor pony too much while I was away, did you?” Bon-Bon asked.

“Nah, we just had the best interview ever!”

Lyra squealed with joy and pranced over to her tape recorder. As she continued merrily bouncing around the room, Bon-Bon rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen, knowing well that Lyra was going to continue like this for hours to come.

Comments

[Saki]

A tad short. I get the feeling that you could get more viewers with a simple rewrite of the beginning. Otherwise, I commend you and your excellent story.

[Hawkx1]

I think EqG 2 would disagree on your views on the LyraxBon Bon relationship

[StayOuttaMyShed]

5239808 Haven't seen it, actually. My editor also mentioned something about the movie. Guess I need to find a way to give it a watch.

[Hawkx1]

5241616 derpicdn.net/img/2014/9/29/731681/full.png

I don't count a picture as a spoiler so here's the proof that we think they're together.

[StayOuttaMyShed]

5241936
Yeah, that's pretty convincing. Guess I really do need to watch it. Anyway, we'll just consider this story an alternate reality. I guess it kind of is one already, so them being roommates instead of an item is fair game. Let's roll with that

[Hawkx1]

5244125 Now I kinda wanna see you do a blind react to it. WARNING: the TV version cuts 10 mins out one a full scene as well as the credits and post credits scene so be sure to get a version that was made with the cut parts put back in or buy the actual movie since it's out right now