• Member Since 18th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

GreenPony32


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When Twilight attempts an incomplete spell it has some unintended results. She messes up and accidentally pulls a human's mind from earth. Now he's stuck in Equestria with a body that isn't his own. To make matters worse the spells that created his body are barely holding him together. How is he supposed to keep his presence on the down low when all it takes is a touch and a strong emotion to cause him to turn into another pony?

My first piece of writing in a long time. Rating due to planned chapters. This is not a self-insert.

Idea came while I was reading Dash of Humanity by Kaidan. His stories are definitely worth a read.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 147 )

You have my attention, sir.:yay:

3505422 Awesome :pinkiehappy:

Now I just need to make sure I can keep it. :pinkiecrazy:

thumbs up and fave cant w8 for the next one!

Please leave me your thoughts on my very original and not even slightly overused Human in Equestria plot point.

This is actually the first time where I've seen a human/an alien from another dimension appearing in Equestria as a shape-shifting mist, so it's not that bad imo :twilightsmile:

As for the story itself... *dramatic pause* I enjoyed the read, and, apart from a couple missing commas, I haven't noticed any glaring errors.
I'm eagerly looking forward for more :twilightsmile:

3506411 Awesome :twilightsmile:

Yeah comma's are not my strong point :facehoof:

3506853 I couldn't have said it better myself :rainbowderp:

Human in Equestria, Changeling powers repurposed for use by the heroes & magic spells gone wrong? Three of my favorite story concepts blended together into one delicious story smoothie?
SOLD!

I don't mean to be mean (heh, that's funny :trollestia:), but some of the sentences in the description seems a bit drawn out to me, like there should be some commas, or the sentence should be split in two all together. It's probably just me, though, as long sentences confuse me. :applejackconfused:

Either way, awesome story you got! Can't wait to see more! :yay:

Full review.

The language used is plain... unacceptable for what means you apparently had. Read the writing guide, correct the fic YOURSELF.
The topic could hardly be more painfully generic if you tried. At least use a character that isn't literally yourself. What reason did you have not to use a pony?
It feels like most of the story is just wasted words, talking around the same points without actually adding anything.

Yet... it's not bad. It's just not good, not outstanding, nothing really remarkable about it. More of the same, with all of the generity that comes from mashing the fandom together. I understand that you spent a long time simply reading, but this is not the way to get (back) into it. Be original, and take the time to actually hunt for errors and awkward language. For each sentence, ask yourself whether the story would be significantly worse without it.

3506850

Yeah comma's are not my strong point

"Comma is are"
wut
Apostrophes too? :twilightsheepish:

Really liked the story tho and didn't see too many errors in there

I'm sorry but this doesn't look like-

Idea came while I was reading Dash of Humanity by Kaiden

:rainbowderp: Hmmmm, I might just that a look at this.:ajsmug: I've got high hopes for this.:moustache:

Me wants more now.:pinkiehappy:

3508255 I read your review and couldn't make heads or tails of it. From what you were saying it seems like you don't like the idea of HiE. Which is fine but if you don't like it then don't read it. Also what made you think this was a self insert fic?

3508255 SO, to summarize " I hate it, but ONLY because you are obviously not one of the 13% of people who write on a fan fiction site with a understanding of English surpassing the high school level; and just HAD to use a idea I do not personally agree with, and in fact resent for being used to replace the characters in the show you could have replaced your OC with. But you can make it better by doing it my way, regardless of whatever you already have planned out for your character. And how dare you ask for the help of editors."
Yeah, I read your complete review and it sounds like any other negative review of a H.I.E. Never mind that it takes a small amount of courage to post a story under a genre that gets attacked so often. Let it go bro, as the typical saying of authors goes, " No like, no read" :facehoof:
P.S, I do not resent, hate or hold any negative feelings for you and you will most likely never hear from me again. Good bye.

And to GreenPony32, I find your concept intriguing and must say you have my attention. So, Sir/Madam, keep up the good work, and I do apologize for the display of uncouth ranting above.:raritywink: Forgive me?:fluttercry:

3509463 Nothing to forgive from me :pinkiesmile:'

I appreciate you taking the time to read Toraka's 'review'. I was a bit taken a back when they went and wrote that much just over the first chapter of this story. I wasn't prepared for that level of animosity and I will be in the future. You also helped put it into words I could understand so a big thank you from me to you!

3509494 T'soky den, and your welcome! Reviews like that just bug me. If you want to offer advice to improve a work, use what is already there! I expect this to continue soon though, k?:raritywink:

3510055 Will do! I'm working on tidying up the second chapter now. I hope I can have it done in a few days.

3509093 It seems that some people still don't know me. The full review serves largely for comedic purposes, overdrawing the points summarised in the comment itself. Besides, the writing world is tough, get used to it. (And I admit that writing it at 1 AM might not have been beneficial to getting my points across.)

Practically, those are:

- If you had that much work on it, then it is incomprehensible to me how it still ended up with punctuation errors and logic occasionally strangulating itself. (As you must admit there are.) Hell, I'll edit it myself if it needs to be in order to satisfy my OCD.

- It seems your character is not author-insertion. Alright, my fault. You know why I thought it would be? He's literally the concentrated overlaps of MLP's audience! I can understand if you meant to make him easily sympathisable, but it ended up in a character with no specialties whatsoever. Hence why I questioned your choice of human.
I have developed the One Bad Day Hypothesis for character beginnings, let's see if it applies to yours. It says, "Provide a character's background (place of origin, gender, standing, education, etc.) to the point where it'd just form believable, if generic, character sheets. (One salesman from an average family in New York is the same as another. You're aiming to describe that salesman.) Then add one event, one, that sets him apart. The one bad day. For instance, did his mother bleed out at his hands? Then taking into account time since that day, all of his traits have to be derivations of background plus that bad day. If they aren't, the character is too full, and the story has to be started prior to all but one of his events to ensure reader compassion."
It's questionable, but he probably passes that test. However, I'll just add for future reference that "Tell, don't show" flashbacks don't count as story.

- Logic. As mentioned before, not all sentences feel like they're really contributing.

- A minor point, but you could add a bit more description. Just to show what the actual scene looks like. You're doing well on describing the action, but everything else is just white. You're having her open a dimensional rift which stays completely undescribed, for instance's sake.

Again, though, your story is not bad. There are far fewer faults with it than other stories, and even that which I overdrawnly criticise is only on meh level, far from how deep it can go. You'll probably try to ignore this comment, maybe delete it. That's alright, as long as the lesson remains in the back of your head. There's still room for improvement (there always is, even and especially for myself), but buttkissing won't drive you to it. Endure it now and become a better writer. Besides, people will (at least should) have quality standards for feature, so get a good image now, not one of somebody who got his stories into feature with only their topic, not their execution, as reason why they should be there.

Oh great, another 'brony in Equestria/self insert', and an author who doesn't know the difference between 'to' and 'too'.
What will they think of next?

3510263 Hey, at least this one has SOME identifiable plot point that makes it barely stand out from the rest.

3510292

Well hey now. I was interested up until the word Loyalty.
The idea is great, and probably hasn't been done before, but the whole BiE just ruins it.

There should be a brony tag for stories like these so I don't end up getting my hopes up.

3510627
BiE stories are normaly good until the brony part.

3510627 I see where you and others are coming from. I've read BiE I didn't enjoy and usually it's not the fact that the main characters a brony. It's usually some way the character interacts with the pony's or how he reveals that he's a brony that ruins the story for me.

Afraid to die in a car crash, eh? Lol... I should have died so many times already, it doesn't even make me worried about the possibility! lol... as I joke with my friends, 'I'm living on borrowed time.'

If this is really an insert story, I wish you better luck than those that have done such stories before.

3511726 I agree with you as I also survived a particularly nasty accident with minor injuries. However if my car had been three feet to the right I probably wouldn't have, though who can really say for sure. Still I've always been puzzled how people are so casual about driving 1000's of pounds of metal everywhere.

Thanks for the luck but it's not really a self-insert story. I don't think I could write about myself. :rainbowhuh:

3511745 Lol... The difference though, I wasn't in a car, I was on a bicycle, which I crashed in the lane of the road... very narrow and busy street. another time, I crashed into street, had to push myself with my 1 functional and unhindered leg (first time life flashed before my eyes... xD) out of the way of a truck. And it isn't the careless drivers I worry about, its the ones that just don't know how to drive period that I hate and fear...

I understand, writing about ones-self isn't exactly... easy...

3511745 OH, and what is up with Lyra and humans? I still have yet to see that episode... if there is even one that explains it.

3511776 Dang that sounds intense. Yeah I'm surprised how many terrible drivers still manage to get a license. As for the lyra thing I believe it all started with an episode where she could be seen sitting on a bench in the background.

3512022 She sits like a human in the show? xD
--I thought that was just a fan based thing! xD

When is the next chapter coming out? Cause' I WANT MOAR :flutterrage:

By the way LOVE THE STORY.

My main problem with human in Equestria stories is that the author doesn't think ahead, and so they give up after a few chapters. I suppose I'm having the same trouble trying to get into the mindset to re-write my own fic.

Hopefully you have an idea for an ending and can meet that ending. Even if you don't, one thing is clear: I'll be watching...

3513512 Thanks, I don't like starting things unless I intend to finish them. I already have a timeline mapped out with the major and some minor events planned as well as the ending. My main thing will be to make sure the ending is the actual ending. If that makes any sense? I love using cliff-hangers in everything I do but I will resist the temptation to do that in this story...much. :pinkiecrazy:

Can't wait for the next chapter.

3513767
Will GreenPony32 resist the temptation to put cliffhangers in his story? Find out next time, same Pony time, same Pony Channel!

3515065 I don't think I was able to resist the temptation I finished chapter 2 and sent it to my awesome editors. Hopefully one of them will talk some sense into me. :pinkiecrazy:

I was about to put this into my read later piles when I realized...
YOU GOT INSPIRATION FROM KAIDAN:rainbowderp:
This must be good...:twilightsmile:

Seeing as you got my brother to pre-read this, I'll be following along and generally being an ass to him about any mistakes I spot. :trollestia:

*cough*

Not really. Although he already asked for my help a couple of times so I might just read the whole thing while I'm at it. Seems interesting already and based on this chapter and what little sneak peeks I got from the chapter 2, it will definitely stay as one of my favorites. Rock on! :pinkiehappy:

3520067 Awesome! Your brother is a good pre-reader. He did a good job. I hope you enjoy the story!

yeah, this is getting interesting. I hope you can get the next chapter soon.

in my opinion it is better when Sam forgets that he is human...and think he is a pony...or...changeling... makes the story... more interesting....

*cough, cough* Feet and inches are part of the imperial system of measurement *cough*

Sorry 'bout that, had something in my throat. Anyways, good chapter and all that jazz :twilightblush:!

3521700 Thanks! I see what you're saying :twilightsmile:

However the reference he was making was he was wondering if they used the metric system instead of the imperial system. Sort of a joke though I guess I failed at getting the point across :derpytongue2:

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