Kayl Jayden is a man, who when faced with an event in his childhood discover that there is no real value in friendship. His beliefs lead him to living an empty life where those who call him friend are merely pawns and associates. One night however, Kayl is exposed and finds himself lost in his house and alone. After discovering a strangely familiar object, Kayl undergoes a painful transformation which changes him into a pony, and transports him to Equestria where he meets Twilight Sparkle and the elements of harmony. In his quest to return home, he must also learn many of the lessons of friendships that you and I have already learned. And maybe even learn a lesson that we all could learn as well as take to heart. How will he adjust to this new world, and when he is ready to leave, how will he make things right at home. Join the journey with the author as we all find out together.
(Cover Art by Misha the Rat aka Rat Scribbles http://ratscribbles.tumblr.com/)
Wall of text, break it better.
Use this to learn how.
3478792 thank you for the helpful critique.
Edit: I went through and broke up paragraphs a bit more. There were a few points where I strung points together so I appreciate you pointing them out. Thankfully I was not so far into the story writing that I couldn't go back and fix that up. I'll try to remember that as I'm continuing to write. Thank you again!
Oh, snap!
3483930 I sincerely hope that season 4 doesn't bring that mirror back. Otherwise my canon for this story is RUINED! lol
So I'll admit I didn't like the first chapter much and I think it has to do with "hooks". The first chapter of any story is always the hardest one to write. You have to find a way to draw the reader in and make them care about the characters and what is happening. The main thing I didn't like in the first chapter was all the "and this is how it was" stuff. It's boring and not very engaging. I think the way I would suggest introducing your character and getting across his views in a more interesting way would be having a few short scenes of him interacting with others and show how what he says and what he's thinking and feeling are very different.
The writing takes a dramatic shift later and I like everything after chapter 1. So you get an up vote from me overall. It would not surprise me if all your down votes were from people who didn't read past chapter 1.
You do a good job describing how your character is feeling and how his thoughts so quickly turn paranoid in rejection that what is happening around him could be real. There are also some hints that there is something more than just a random guy showing up at work. That there's some hidden purpose to all the events. That makes it feel like the story is going somewhere even if where that is isn't revealed yet.
I'm also pretty sure I know what Twilight is planning for him. There is a certain pony that has been suspiciously absent from the story so far so I'll go out on a limb and say I think it involves
.
Keep it up, you do have a good story going here for anyone that makes it past the intro.
3649548 Thank you! Yes, I realize the first chapter isn't exciting. I think it's one part my style of writing and another part a habit when introducing the main character. I've always been terrible at writing beginnings.
Perhaps I also wanted to introduce myself as the author, but if I can figure out a better way to write the intro, I will.
Thirty days have SEPTEMBER, April, June, and November. Thirty-One the others date, except for February which has Twenty-Eight. But in leap-year we assign, February will have Twenty-Nine.
December has 31 days.
also... A "Flank" is the area ahead of the thigh, above the belly, and behind the ribs. The area where a cutie mark appears is technically the Haunch.
The continued mislabeling of the area is likely due to the name "Blank Flank". "Blank Haunch" just doesn't have the same amusing rhyme to it and honestly when have bullies ever cared about accuracy in their taunts?
I'm sure twilight would be aware of pony anatomy at least to the point of knowing the names for each area. I mean Rarity even sings about it when making a dress.
"Yard by yard, stitch by stitch. Croup, Dock, Haunch, Shoulders, Hip." For a little more interesting info... a pony tail is made of two parts, the 'Skirt' includes all the hairs while the 'Dock' is the actual tail itself. When someone refers to an animal having a 'docked' tail, it means the tail itself (bone, muscle, etc) has been cut short. A Docked Tail may also be referred to as a 'Bobtail'.
Leaves you to wonder if in pony society they have body modification places that do things like piercings, branding/scarring, and bobtailing.
Dude great chapter
I am looking forward to the next one
3696652 Thank you! I'll keep putting them out.
3688300 AH, how could I have been so stupid! I mucked up the rhyme about the number of days! Thank you! I'm not even being sarcastic, that was a big blunder on my part.
And as for the horse anatomy lesson, well...you make a valid point. I did not study horse anatomy, but thank you for the lesson either way!
I was so happy for him, but then everthing got messed up.
I hope this story gonna have a happy ending.
THE FUCKING FEELS LEFT HIM STAY IN EQUESTRIA PLEASE?????????????????????????????
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(but good story
) why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3717123 Oh gosh what a pinkie pie moment! Thank you, I suppose. I think that's a compliment. if it is then I'm glad you enjoyed it. Well I suppose ENJOY is probably not the best word to use to describe your feels. But at least I did my job right.
it is a great story
great job
3724592 thank you!
Kayl and Nomad Soul? Is this... a reference?
11886455
I think it might be...
11886455
la foto de perfil del autor responde bastante bien tu pregunta xd