• Member Since 30th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 26th, 2014



The tactics ogre world is in full chaos and war and a guy does a last spell to try to find a hero and it picked the most unlikely hero blueblood now he has to save the world and not die in the process......yeah......i got nothing....just read the story.....

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 10 )

Can someone at least comment please.....yeesh...people..

All right, first of all, your sentences are literally whole paragraphs. There is hardly any punctuation in here.

Secondly, the names of people and places need to be capitalized, like Equestria and Canterlot.

Thirdly, the story description does your story no justice. The reason no one is commenting on your story is because it is too hard to read. The sentences are way too run on and the grammar is just dreadful. You're great on the spelling front, so that's good at least. I highly suggest you get yourself a proofreader, and also some writing practice in the first place.

Comment posted by moonsaber56 deleted Nov 13th, 2013
Comment posted by moonsaber56 deleted Nov 13th, 2013

My main objective is to DO THIS STORY TILL THE END....and no matter what....reviews or dislikes aint gonna sstop me....but i would appreacate a few people liking and commenting...

Hey Saber. Sorry it took me awhile to read your fic and I honestly I have to say that your prologue isn't bad overall. So far I found that it's quite descriptive in certain aspects, however, your sentence structure and grammar could use some work.(I was pretty much in the same boat, if you recall my early chapters).

Anyways, what I suggest doing to improve this is to read other fics and watch closely how other authors write their sentences. Try emulating other writing styles until you find one that you like and practice it until you can call it your own.

To finish, I'm giving this a thumbs up (even though I don't particularly like Blueblood) and hope that you can get the next chapter up soon. Shoot me a comment or pm or whatever if you need any help and I'll see if there's anything i can do.

Do you know how many people have said that?......over 25 people have suggested that........and when i do try that, i mess up my story completely can't remember the plot or mess up the whole freakin story or something along those lines..So, yeah...
Over 3 failed storys on that....3!!I TELL YOU 3.... :( over two months lost of work... I AM SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT....I know there trying to help but just accept my way of writing...ok! And maybe in the future i will improve..


If that's the case though, why don't you instead write it the way you want and get an editor and proofreader to assist you AFTER you've written what you've written.

Hey Saber, it's been awhile. Anyways, I'm happy that you've written another chapter, however, right now I'm going to be in critic mode to tell you the problem(s) so that you're aware of them and can improve if you'd like. Don't let what I say stop you from writing if writing is what you want to do.

1st: HOLY GREAT WALL OF TEXT BATMAN! In this chapter, you've basically made it a ginormous Jenga column of large sentences. Literally the only times you hit the enter key was after a sentence or two.

2nd: Speaking of sentences,

After a while it calmed his nerves down to a point where he could not feel emotions, focused he put his meager training to use as he looked around he found a person crawling towards him he had black hair and was wearing a tunic with a javelin and scorch marks around it, grabbing the bag he examined the wound where his whole shoulder was limp and torn open and the bone was protruding and sticking out in a different direction and flesh laid limp around it hanging from his shoulder and well for the man he was constantly screaming to himself that he was going to die blueblood tried to reassure him to not look at it while grabbing one of the knifes blueblood sliced away the flesh and grabbing a rock he smashed it against the bone over and over that the bone cracked in places.

Try saying this in one breath. See the problem? It's a run on sentence. In my opinion this could have been split into three or four sentences and would have had better opportunities for describing what you wanted.

3rd: On this one it's just small grammar and spelling things such as this:

one of the knifes blueblood

The correct way to do this portion would be

one of the knives Blueblood

In this instance, you had forgotten to capitalize Blueblood despite it being his name and you had used the singular form of knife.

4th: This one is mainly a personal critic but referring to your author's notes:

Im gonna skip on the whole reaction thing and head straight into the action.

In my opinion, this is a mistake from a storytelling point of view. You throw away the build and character development and immediately plunge into the action. I believe that some author's can make this work in their favor, however, neither you or I are experienced enough to do this correctly and thus, the result is rushed and not very appealing.

My final verdict is that though the idea for this chapter was alright, your lack of editing and/or proofreading has rendered the idea unwelcoming to readers and makes it appear as if a it was written by a middle schooler. I said this before and I'll say this again, I suggest watching closely how other authors write their sentences. Try emulating other writing styles until you find one that you like and practice it until you can call it your own.

Also, look in the fimfiction groups to get a proofreader and/or editor to assist you. Writing's hard and you don't have to do it on your own.

Login or register to comment