Chapter I: A Friendly Game
Living The Hive Life
~~~
Chapter I: A Friendly Game
Changelings are some of the world’s most mysterious creatures. They are intelligent shape-shifters, lead by a group of nine monarchs known as the ‘Unseelie Court’. Their society is one of great strength, every single Changeling trained for combat and espionage from birth. Of course, there is more to their species than just their military, similar to the Ponies, Griffins and all other sentient races.
There are many professions outside combat or infiltration. Against popular belief, many Changelings still eat, for -- although their primary sustenance comes from love -- the taste and texture of real food is hard to beat. There are teachers, performers, private businesses and many more options.
The Changeling species is divided precariously into nine prime ‘Hives’ with many smaller ones surrounding them. Our story starts in Hive Mephistis, home of Queen Chrysalis and some of Changeling history’s greatest heroes. Nocturus Lance, captain of the honour guard and one of their most powerful warriors. Sa'kira, one of the world’s most talented seers.
Recently, there have been rumours of an impending war between Changelings and the other races. In this time of worry, with potential enemies pressing in on all sides, the Unseelie Court looks to its warriors to stand strong and protect their civilisation from the multiple threats. They look to their species’ elite warriors, who have spent their entire lives training for the day that they go to war.
“I’M BOOOORED!”
This isn’t their story.
Mimic Shift landed face-first on the couch in front of him. Fumbling a little, he kicked the door he had walked through, effectively shutting it. Swift Shade turned around in his chair to look at his house-mate. Mimic had a pretty impressive stature for one who did so little actual work. He was much slimmer than most Changelings, giving him a look of speed and energy. His horn was smooth and curved upwards. Mimic’s mane was spiked upwards -- typical of a Changeling -- and he wore a smooth, dark blue carapace.
Swift Shade was his opposite. Whereas Mimic was slim, Swift boasted broader shoulders. Like his friend, he too sported a smooth dark blue carapace, but where Mimic’s horn was smooth, Swift’s was jagged and dangerous looking. He was slightly taller than Mimic, landing him a good hoof taller than most Changelings. He had a slightly torn left ear from a brawl he’d gotten into a few years earlier. Mimic was younger than Swift by about a year. The two had met at the academy and had become fast friends.
The smaller Changeling rolled over, groaning overdramatically. It was at times like this when Swift regretted that decision.
“What’s up, Mimic? Shouldn’t you be on patrol?”
The smaller Changeling immediately stopped his groaning to look at his friend. The two stared at each other for a moment, deep pools of cerulean blue studying the other in detail. They held this position for a moment, before Mimic burst into laughter.
“Oh, oh sweet Nocturus, you nearly got me!” Mimic gasped through a bout of laughter. He wiped a tear from his eyes before continuing. “Seriously Swift, you know me better than that. ‘Sides, it’s not like the guard would fall apart without me.”
“You really should at least try and show up to your job Mimic. I am honestly surprised you still have one,” Swift chastised.
“Oh c’mon, it’s not like you’re much better. When was the last time you even showed up?” Mimic countered, still grinning as Swift joined him on the couch. Swift opened his mouth to reply, but found himself at a loss for words. When was the last time I showed up?
Seeing that he had won, Mimic laughed again before hopping off the couch and stretching his legs. He looked around the room. Well, room wasn’t really the correct term, more like cave; Just as most Changelings did, Mimic lived inside a hollowed-out cave. The two shared the place with their friend Dusk Shadows because none of them could afford rent on their own. Despite what some of the other Changelings thought, being a guard really didn't pay very well when over a third of your entire species served as one. Maybe I should just go and live in the barracks? Mimic thought, before immediately dismissing the idea. He wouldn't take that kind of charity, not from anyone. Besides, most of the other guards didn't like him anyways, why give them an easy shot?
He frowned at this, Why doesn't Swift stay in the barracks? having never really asked anything personal, Mimic unsurprisingly didn't know very much about his friend as a Changeling. Urgh! Thinking. Bad. Don't do it! Thinking is something smart Changelings do, I am not a smart Changeling. Mimic groaned, he was getting bored. When he got bored, he got introspective. That was bad. Suddenly, an idea popped into Mimic's head.
“Hey Swift?” Mimic asked, casually leaning against the wall.
“M’yeah?” Swift replied, opening his eyes to see Mimic’s mad grin mere inches away. “WAAAH!” the larger changeling screamed, scrambling backwards in surprise.
“What in the name of Tartarus was that for!?” Swift shouted, recovering from his initial fright and tactfully ignoring the fact that he had been screaming like a hatchling mere moments ago. All Mimic did in response was hold a hoof to his lips.
“Shhhhh.”
“What are you tal--”
“Shhhhh.”
“Bu-”
“Shhhhh!”
“What!? What is it!?” Swift shouted in exasperation. Mimic’s response was to lean forward and bop his friend on the nose.
“Tag,” whispered the smaller Changeling, before turning around and gracefully leaping out the window.
Swift stared out the window for a moment, before looking back at his nose. He repeated this a few times before his mind could actually comprehend what had happened. Deciding to just ignore it, he turned back to his desk to continue reading. Unfortunately, his book was no longer there. Swift let out a long, angry growl.
“Mimic!”
A black blur shot through the streets of Mephistis. It darted between stalls, narrowly missing the many other Changelings who were out on business. The blur swerved this way and that, throwing itself in a spiral as it passed through the middle of a group of Hive Guard. The armoured changelings angrily shouted at the speeding blur to slow down, but their warnings fell on deaf ears.
Mimic grinned. He was pretty certain that had been his patrol group. I’ll make sure to make a return visit later, preferably with a few buckets of water in tow. He giggled childishly at the thought.
Mimic’s line of thought was abruptly cut short when he flew head first into a familiar bulky shape. Shaking his head, he looked up at the smug face of Swift Shade. The larger changeling leaned down so that he was face to face with Mimic.
“Book. Now.”
Mimic held his hooves up in the air innocently. “Hey pal, I haven’t got anything, see?”
In response, Swift nudged his friend to the side. Overbalanced, Mimic fell over, revealing a red tome which he had been sitting on. Mimic scrambled back up and took the book in a telekinetic grasp.
“Alright alright, you got me, but one thing first.”
Swift sighed. “What?”
“You were meant to say ‘tag’,” Mimic concluded, tossing the book high into the air before jumping over his bewildered friend and continuing his game. The book fell back down and was caught by the fleeing Changeling. Swift was a little more prepared this time -- it only took him a second to recover before he tore after his friend, and more importantly, his book.
Mimic laughed as he ran. This was a great way to relieve boredom! In a way, I’m even doing my patrol right now. He flew around a stalactite, alighting on top of it for a moment to catch his breath. After a less-than-graceful landing he scanned the surrounding area. All around, Changelings were going about their daily business. Blocks of dark stone buildings sprouted up all over the place. Even further down Mimic could make out some of the lower levels of the hive. In the distance sat Queen Chrysalis’ castle, its huge spires almost touching the top of the cavern.
A buzzing sound reached Mimic’s ears and in one smooth motion he backflipped away from the edge of the stalactite. A bulky black blur shot underneath him and crashed directly into the hard stone. The Changeling skidded across the rocky surface, making a sound akin to scratching a chalkboard. Mimic winced, covering his ears. That’s gotta hurt.
Seemingly unperturbed, Swift twirled back up around to face his friend. Before Mimic could say anything, the larger Changeling buzzed his wings and tackled him off the stalactite. The two hurtled towards the ground at an alarming speed, twisting and turning to try and get a better grip on the other.
“Just give me the book!” Swift yelled over the rushing wind.
“No!” Mimic shouted back, slapping Swift across the face with the side of his hoof. Any response which Swift may have formulated was cut short by a resounding crash, as the two fell through the ceiling of somebody’s house. This was followed by a splash of water and a scream. The former due to the fact that the two had luckily landed in somebody’s bath — the latter because said bath was occupied.
Mimic yelped as he was smacked around the head by a brush. Quickly scrambling backwards, his eyes darted around the room. The door was probably locked and his wings were too wet to fly with, so the window wasn’t an option. The Changeling who’s bath he had crashed into screamed again, calling for the guards to come help.
Oh this is bad.
Mimic ran over to the door, fumbling to try and open it. Suddenly, from behind him came a monstrous war cry. Twirling around, he saw Swift sprinting forward, head lowered and wings buzzing. Mimic quickly jumped aside to give his friend room. This is going to be good.
The door shattered outwards, pieces of it flying in every direction. Swift Shade grinned smugly at his work. Behind him came Mimic, who was busy fending off an enraged Changeling wielding a hairbrush.
“You crazy bastards are paying for that!” she screamed angrily.
“Argh! Swift, help!” Swift Shade turned to regard the scene, tilting his head to the side in contemplation. After a minute of consideration, he fired a quick stun spell and the angered femling fell to the ground. Mimic stared at the unconscious changeling for a moment, before turning to his friend.
“I’m pretty sure we just broke the law.”
“Yup.”
“...”
“...”
“Wanna run for it?”
“Sounds good.” Swift replied. He then turned to the front door, casually opened it, looked both ways to check for any witnesses, and then ran like tartarus was biting at his back. Mimic followed his example, stopping to scribble a quick note and leaving it on top of the poor Changeling, before making good on his own escape.
Dusk Shadows flung open the door to her house, and flicked her long, teal mane out of her eyes. Trotting in, she dropped her bag onto the floor and flopped onto the couch beside her housemates. As she took in the sight of the room she noticed that the window had been shattered and was currently covered by a tactfully placed rock. She would have asked what had happened, but decided that it was best if she didn’t know.
“So what did you two do today?” she asked, hoping that she was stepping into easier ground.
Mimic and Swift shared a glance.
“A friendly game of tag,” they replied, before clinking their bottles of cider together and simultaneously taking a swig. Dusk Shadow’s eyes darted between the two, and suddenly she was very certain that they had let loose some kind of evil god. Before her mind could begin constructing any more terrifying fantasies, Mimic tossed a bottle of cider her way. She looked up at him, confusion evident in her eyes.
Mimic simply grinned at her in response “Here’s to freedom Dusky,” he said, raising his bottle. The other two followed suit and with a chant of ‘Hi-yay!’ The three drank together into the wee hours of the morning. Today was a good day.
Ivory Light woke with a start. Urgh, what happened? A cursory glance over her surrounding areas brought her memories right back. Two Drones had crashed through her ceiling, broken down her door and then knocked her unconscious. In the corner of her eye, Ivory noticed a small note. Hesitantly, she picked it up and read aloud.
“Hey Miss, sorry about the ceiling, don’t worry though, they aren’t hard to replace. For all the trouble I figured I’d leave you something. If you check on your desk you should find a ‘I’m sorry’ present.
Yours truly,
Sexy rugged stranger.”
Ivory made a face as she read the last sentence. Nevertheless, she walked over to her desk to see what had been left. Sitting on it was a large, thick, red tome titled ‘Daring Do and the Fork of Truth.’
“Seriously?” she asked the air incredulously. “A book!?”
“YOU BASTARD!”
“Hey, it’s not my fault! You broke her roof!”
“I can lick my nose!”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“I’m just gonna buy a new one.”
“That would be best.”
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This is looking promising, so far it's amusing and light-hearted; just what I like out of a Slice-of-Life.
Now, personally I don't like seeing all-caps used when there could be different ways to emphasize how loudly something was exclaimed, but I do find multiple exclamation points to be poor form. I would also suggest that when a character is reading something out loud, just structure the paragraph normally; having it structured like if it were a letter seems misleading, as if we got a "camera shot" of the letter itself and we're (or the character who wrote the letter is) reading it. If you do want that bit of imagery, than do leave it structured like that, but italicize it or something to set it apart from the narrative. Aside from those I honestly don't see anything wrong with this, just lots of potential.
As for future chapter suggestions, just stay true to Slice-of-Life (not very helpful, I know
). Episodic, like FiM, yanno? I noticed you opened up with this implication of something big happening; just be careful with that if they do end up getting involved with it in some form or another. It might get tempting later to switch to something more "exciting" if you happen to get bored of detailng these guys' day-to-day lives, but one of the things that frustrates me the most with a Slice-of-Life is seeing it suddenly get sucked into some adventure.
3468414 Thank you very much for the feedback, and favourite, I'd like to say that I do actually have a planned 'story arc' which will probably happen in the end, having the story become a bit more adventur-y for a bit, but I still intend to have the characters return to their lives after.
~DeepShift
Only waiting for something like that
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/7/7/366785__safe_princess+celestia_changeling_drunk_artist-colon-jowybean.jpg
3468456 This is so gonna happen at some point.
3468441
Eh, I just see it happen sometimes because authors don't know where to go with their story, but if you're planning it then it should pan out just fine. Hhrmm, it'd be foolhardy of me to assume what you got planned, but I can tell you this: it's a hell of a lot more satisfying to see characters like this overcome the challenges they face by just being themselves, rather than buckling down and kicking ass.
Ah! But it's just the first chapter! Ignore my negativity; be happy, enjoy what you do and we'll see where that takes us.
Also a typo in your description:
And in your short description (you didn't capitalize "and"):
3468473 Thanks, and I hope you'll stick with us for the adventure! On another note, at this rate, I should get you as an editor! Either way, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback, thanks again.
~DeepShift
So apparently, achieving twenty views, seven upvotes and seven favourites is enough to get one's story into the popular stories box?
Dunno how, but, er, congratulations?
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you with the editing, irl stuff just got kinda... strange.
I believe in this one's potential though
I like this story. It is good. I approve.
3468692
Thanks very much pal, I'm looking forward to continuing this!
~DeepShift
This story is looking pretty good at the moment, well done mate
3468869 Thanks very much!
I appreciate it.
~DeepShift
3468977 Ya know what? I think I'm going to follow you too, you're pretty cool
3469016 Really?
Thanks so much! You have just earned an internet!
~DeepShift
3469025
Funny. Life in a changeling hive. :) What is their currency? Bits of harvested love?
3469105 Ya know, I've been tossing around a lot of ideas for currency, but in the end I just figured 'Why wouldn't they just use Bits?' so I left it
~DeepShift
How did Mimic get from leaning against the wall to being right in Swift's face that fast?
There's some logic for ya.
Should be a period, not a comma.
Hmm... Two male and one female changeling in a house drinking and staying up late... I wonder what else happened.
That is awesome!
myfacewhen.net/uploads/1186-alrighty-then.jpg
Some errors here and there, but I like this story!
I want moar. 
~A Dark Reminder
3471450 Yay! I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I actually already have a few chapters written, though one of them I can't upload for a good while
~DeepShift
Hey.
This.
This is good.
What's this about?
3472735
I can wait.
3472779 Eh, the only reason I can't upload it currently is that It is too heavy for the story as it is currently, I'm thinking of making it 'Chapter 11'.
3472858 Currently, it's about the wonderful shenanigans of Mimic and co. but evemntually I intend to have actual plot.
~DeepShift
3479671 Thank you very much for the kind words! I will strive to keep things interesting, and I hope you will continue to enjoy life within the Changeling cities
~DeepShift
Okay, I think that you should have put "I'm boooored" after <i>"This isn't their story" </i>
3479760 Maybe, but I felt that this way it'd be more jarring
~DeepShift
Whats better than a story about changlings? A random, funny as hell story about changlings
I can't wait to see what else you got in store for those 3!
3488286 An expanded cast for one thing
~DeepShift
The beginning got me and I enjoyed the entire ride. Write more when you can.
3495160 Thanks very much, I should be uploading another episode sometime within the next three days.
~DeepShift
And so, it begins...
Lol thats funny!
most have more!
Asap plz!
DeepShift, I gave your story a very thorough read. I used to be a big-shot in the reviewin’ world, and your story drew my attention enough for me to try and get back in the saddle once more. Since I am a mere human and not some uber-awesome pro reviewer that makes thousands of bucks a year, what I say can indeed clash with your ideas—perhaps even be outright wron’. I am liable to err, so I believe I should give out an apology in advance should I end up makin’ some sort of error. I ain’t perfect.
Now then, I believe it’s time I opened this review by saying that your vision of the changelings hive and the society that exists within in fascinatin’. It certainly does give it a spin that few other tales have (including mine, which sort of makes me want to add more details in later chapters). However, this tale does have many errors that, while not really workin’ against the overall mood, can and will prevent this here story from bein’ considered for such places as EqD. I know’s, since I myself was once a candidate for their pre-reader program.
At any rate, I will go ahead and start this review out with the story errors that jumped at me the most. I’ll save my final thoughts on this here tale till after I’ve gotten the nitty-gritty out of the way. If I seem a bit harsh, that’s only because I am trying to tell it as it is. I don’t sugar coat nothin’.
One word of warning though. Since I am doing this review off-line, It isn’t in a the typical “fimfiction” review format. For that, I apologize.
Let’s begin.
“Unseelie Court looks to it’s warriors to stand strong and protect their civilization from the multiple threats.”—Two errors off the bat here, friend. The first is your use of “it’s.” It’s, as you likely know, is short for IT IS. It’s is also a possessive term used for individuals. The way you have it here essentially makes the part read “….Court looks to IT IS warriors” Since the court in question isn’t an individual, you can’t say the warriors belong to it (even though they actually do). The best way to resolve this here issue is to just use “its.” Rather than “It’s.” Secondly, you outright misspelled civilization. That’s an easy enough fix to make.
“Prophetic Moonlight, the world’s most talented seer.”—Off the bat, the name doesn’t sound very changeling-like. Sounds more like the name of a pony mage if you ask me. Granted, you seem to be going with more ‘safe’ names for your changelings, which is fine and dandy. However, it doesn’t really add much flavor to the overall culture of the changeling if you ask me. With the critters being the equivalent of vampiric life-suckers, I would expect them to use more exotic names. Take my story for example, almost all changelings use names that wouldn’t be out o’ place in a lovecraft story. Gro’gar and Shi’arma are just among the few of the slew o’ names for my changelings. Give this notion a second thought, as it might mean the difference between someone readin’ and saying “Yawn, plain name’s plain” and “Gee, this guy sure has some imagination. I think I’ll keep on reading.” Secondly, saying that he was the “most talented seer in the world” sounds a tad too boastful. Granted, the intro section’s being told from the point of view of an unreliable narrator that more than likely wishes to paint his race in as good a light as possible. While you can keep this bit as is, you have to make sure to demonstrate as the narration continues that this point of view is solely from the changeling’s own point of view, not an actual fact that is accepted word-wide. In case it actually is a fact accepted world-wide, then make sure you show that even other races find the fact that a changeling seer’s the best surprising (or infuriatin’, dependin’ on which race the subject’s getting compared to).
While not exactly incorrect, I find it somewhat archaic that you are using honour rather than Honor. I don’t know, it just found it odd to hear the old-style of the word used rather than the more modern term. I believe that it can add certain flair to the overall story, but it can just lead to some very odd circumstances—especially if the newer term is used later on without there being some kin’ of explanation as to why the two terms are different. I urge caution.
“Mimic’s mane was spiked upwards -- typical of a Changeling -- and he had a smooth, dark blue carapace.” And “Like his friend, he too sported a smooth dark blue carapace,”—According to the IDW comics (whose validity in cannon is still in question. But hey, it is the closest thing to the show currently in print that’s actually as good as—if not better—than the show), the dark blue “carapace” changeling have on their backs is actually a type of saddle-like piece of armor. This panel from the first issue demonstrates that.
i.imgur.com/htGS1TQ.png
Again, this is still somewhat in debate, but I would cautiously suggest you make their carapace clearly a type of clothing rather than direct body parts.
“Swift was slightly taller than Mimic, landing him a good hoof taller than most Changelings.”—In this here sentence, since you already used Swift’s name earlier, I believe you’re safe just referrin’ to him as “he.” This will cut on the over-use of the character’s name early in the chapter and overall lead to a smoother flow of narration.
“Oh c’mon, it’s not like you’re much better, Swift.”—For this sentence, you can easily omit the mention of the character’s name. It will also improve the flow of narration.
“When was the last time I showed up?”—I can’t help but be kind of pissed at Mimic for bein’ such a lazy bum, especially since his attitude kind o’ reminds me of my high-school years some four years ago. Man oh man, if only I had stuck with the police academy instead o’ goofin’ off with friends. I’d probably a detective by now.
“Well, room wasn’t really the correct term, more like cave. Just as most Changelings did, Mimic lived inside a hollowed-out cave.”—This reads like a fragmented sentence, particularly the second part. The period you use here cuts the thought far too severely. You’re better served with an em-dash or semicolon.
“He, Swift and their mutual friend Dusk Shadows shared the place because none of them could afford rent on their own.”—This reads very oddly. I would suggest you re-write so it feels less cumbersome. Also, when you have just given a name, but still have to use a “and” to continue the thought, use a comma after the subject. It helps the flow of the narration. Not related the comment I just said above, but why would changelings be worried about affording their lodgings? I believe the lodging would be provided to them for their services to the hive. Am I missing something’ here, friend?
“Despite what some of the other Changelings thought, being a guard really didn't pay that well when over a third of your entire species served as one.”—Ah, that about answers my previous inquiry. So changeling guards actually get paid in money. You would think their services to the hive would earn them their keep instead of cash. Capitalism ho? Thinking more ‘bout this, it kind o’ makes more sense to have an army workin’ to earn their lodging, food supplies, and entertainment rather than givin’ out a direct monetary reward for said services. Money often breeds greed, which can lead to rifts in the hive. Troops that are given their keep as rewards for their services would be more loyal troops in the end. They would dedicate their lives to servin’ the hive rather than making bank, for they would be the hive. At any rate, the sentence feels a tad wonky. Consider streamlining a bit.
“As a result, what with a crappy job and not much else to do, Mimic would jump at the first fun idea that came to mind.”—This sentence bein’ alone feels wron’. It disrupts the great flow you had goin’.
“ “Tag!” shouted the smaller Changeling, before turning around and gracefully leaping out the window”—I personally think the situation would have been funnier had Mimic simply whispered everything.
“ “Mimic.” ”—This would have likely been funnier had Swift’s reaction been one of further outrage. He sees that his book’s missing, probably hisses or growls, and then promptly yells “Mimic!” before giving chase.
“he thought. Preferably with a few buckets of water in tow.”—For this instance, since thought is bein’ more or less handled like dialogue, you can supplant that period with a comma to link all three instances of the sentence together. Otherwise, you have a fragment.
“Book. Now. Give.”—One of the rules of funny states that the simpler something can be, the funnier it is—in this here case, havin’ Swift simply say, “Book. Now,” is enough to deliver the full comedic effect. As a result, “Give” ends up feelin’ like an unwanted third wheel. I suggest you omit.
“You’re meant to say ‘tag’,”—Two things here. No. One is that using “You’re” here is wrong. Again, “You’re” is two different things. The first is the abbreviation of “you are.” The second is a form of possessive term (though I’ve rarely seen used it as such, and it will always get flagged wrong, since it’s a tad more archaic). In this particular situation, you are best served by simple saying “you.”
“ “No!” Mimic replied simply,”—Read this to yourself a couple of times. The issue will become clear once you do (hint: the statement is contradictory).
“The former due to the fact that the two had luckily landed in somebody’s bath. The latter because said bath was occupied.”—Two fragments that really need to be together as one. Supplant the period with an em-dash.
“Quickly scrambling backwards, Mimic’s eyes darted around the room.”—In the earlier sentence, you gave us the subject (Mimic.) Since this is still describin’ said subject in the same overall location, using the name again results in an odd case of LUS—only instead of overusing a descriptor, you overuse the character’s name. The best way to avoid this is to simply supplant the subject with a “He.” That should fix it.
“~~~~~~”—Why use a divider between them breakin’ into the house, and them breakin’ down the door? It’s not exactly a jump in scene, nor is it a switch in POV. The divider has to be omitted to preserve the flow of the scene.
Alright, that about covers the issues in need of lookin’ over. Now, story wise, I am still diggin’ this story. It’s a tad on the short side, but I’m pretty sure you’ll expand in due time. Now, the biggest issue I found that you might want to address in later chapter is the relationship between Mimic and Swift. I say “issue,” because as it is, it feels unrefined and childish. Yes, this CAN be a trait inherit to both characters, but if it is, it needs to be properly explored. Why are these two changelings—who you’ve clearly state are in the hive guard—act like a pair of school children? Did somethin’ happen in their lives (or in this case, Mimic, who seems to be the more immature of the two) to make him act in this particular manner? Truth be told, I see a lot of potential for setting up a backstory that can actually serve as a tragic contrast to the light-hearted nature the tale seems to have so far.
Speakin’ of Light-hearted, I feel I should say this before I go further. You do not need to make this story “Teen,” nor have any harsh language. Yet. The best stories gradually grow darker and harsher as they move onward—it demonstrates progression, not only for the world you built, but the characters you created. From what I’ve read of this first chapter, you have absolutely no need to have harsh dialogue. Take that away, and you’ve got yourself a first chapter that’s readable by all.
At any rate, this was a very enjoyable first chapter. I can’t really rate this tale just by having read this one chapter (which again, was rather short). I will keep an eye out for future updates however. If I get the time, I’ll also give the proceeding chapters a review, but I have to work on my own stories as well, including the one I mentioned involving changelings as well. For now though, this is all I’ve got. Keep writing, don’t let no one discourage you, and see about expanding future chapters to create a deeper and more engrossing tale.
3521062 Welp, I'll start by saying thanks very much for the help. Some of the things you've picked out are simply differences in english I guess, because Civilisation is correct over here. Either way, I see a lot of the flow stuff you've mentioned, and have endeavoured to fix it up. I still refer to the clothes/armour as a carapace because I imagine that would be the term for it within the society, I have also tried to explain Mimic and Swift's lodgings. Now, since you've mentioned it, I will say that I do have some reasons for why Mimic and Swift act the way they do, but I'm not sure if they are good enough. I won't state it here, but if you'd be willing to help me out via a PM ir something there, I'd appreciate it. I'm probably going to leave this as a teen for the time being, simply because I kind of like the way the characters talk to eachother.
Now, on the note of continued story. I'm thinking for the first 'Arc' of it, it will just be slice of life snippets of them going about their lives. This will help get the characters better developed and intropduce all the characters for when I intend to start the second Arc, where I plan on having some more story elements than simply comedy. Anyway, thanks again for the review! It's much appreciated.
~DeepShift
3523854
It was a pleasure to read your story. Yes, I would be willing to aid you, but you would need to drop me a PM, since I am a bit busy ATM. Perhaps we can even aid each other.
While I'm no big fan of Changelings as a species, I find stories about them immensely fun to read. I don't know why, Changelings OCs just tend to be written better than average pony OCs, and if one adds the right amount of comedy, randomness and cultural aspects of their lives, well... it makes me want to Live the Hive Life (that's sooo witty of me, I know!).
What's that? There's also a Romance tag for that? That's it, faved, upvoted, commented, changed my wallpaper to a Chryssi one... and now eagerly awaiting for more about Ivory Light!
3554252 Things may not be as you seem to expect
Though I am afraid this story won't be able to update all too often for awhile. Don't fret though! Theres no way I'm giving up on this, too many ideas 
~DeepShift
Mkay then!