Confusing Love

by SaraSantiago

The Beginning

Author's Note:

This is my first story here, so constructive criticism is welcome!
- I have edited this story a long the way, so I apologize for any confusion. Thank you all for your reviews! It helps a lot, so thanks! I hope you enjoyed the updated version. Chapter 2 is still under editing, so that will take a while until it gets updated. Once again thank you and I hoped you enjoyed!

Musa slowly awoke to a warm sunny morning and went to her closet. What to wear... she wondered, picking out a nice light purple v-neck t-shirt that had a upside down treble clef next to a base clef to make a heart on the top left and a black skirt that went inches above her knees. Musa then slid on white stockings inches below her knee and put on black shoes with a strap and a small heel. She moved to her mirror and brushed her long wavy silver, light purple highlighted hair that went to her waist. She then quickly braided it and looked over to her desk.

My to-do list. she thought as she looked at it. What to do first...I'll do the grocery shopping last...so, I'll buy cat food then! She went downstairs and ate a piece of strawberry jam bread, and fed her ginger cat. She then grabbed her list and went out the house towards Fluttershy's Pet Shop.

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Musa went in the pet store and grabbed wet cat food and a bag of treats and checking them out. She checked off pet shopping on the list, as she did for the rest of the day. She hummed a random tune as she went to the grocery store, her last thing to do. Musa bought a small gallon of milk, a jar of strawberry jam, bread and apples. She checked out and left the store to walk home. While walking, she looked down to her list, making sure she had everything done. Musa then bumped into someone, the force made her fall back onto the ground.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Musa looked up to the girl. She was a tall, small breasted girl with short rainbow colored hair, her eyes were a mixture of blue and purple. She wore a sky blue t-shirt, that had a rainbow lightning bolt coming out of a cloud on the bottom right, and blue jean short shorts. She wore blue sneakers with white socks not even inches above her shoes. "Here." she said, giving Musa her hand.

"It's fine." Musa said, taking her hand and stood up. "Thank you." She brushed herself off and saw her grocery bag, torn at the bottom. Oh man...It's ripped. she thought, picking up some of the groceries on the ground. I'm glad the milk didn't spill. she thought.

"Here, let me help you." the girl then exclaimed, bending down and gathering some of the apples. Musa reached for an apple, about to grab it as the girl did the same, and by accident, the girl's hand went on top of Musa's. The two pulled away nervously and then smiled. Their smiles turned into laughter as the girl picked up the apple and gave it to Musa. "How about I carry some stuff back for you." she then offered.

Musa smiled. "That's very kind of you. Thank you. May I ask your name?" Musa asked kindly.

"You mean you haven't heard of me?! I'm Rainbow Dash. And you are?" Rainbow Dash replied.

"I'm Musa. It's nice to meet you!" Musa greeted.

"Same." The two neared Musa's small light violet cottage with a grey tiled roof and chimney to the right of it, which was connected to the fireplace inside.

"Here's my house. Please, come in and set the stuff on the table." Musa greeted as she opened the door and greeted her inside. Musa showed Rainbow Dash where to put the groceries, and she put them down. The two talked a little and Rainbow Dash had to go, so she waved goodbye and started for the door. "Rainbow Dash...before you leave! Just know, you're always welcome here. Alright?" Musa called to her kindly.

"Thanks Musa. Maybe next time, I'll show you my place!" Rainbow Dash said, waving her goodbye again and left. The two destined were to meet again some day...Musa just knew it.

Comments

[Next Gen Wonderbolt]

Well reading the first chapter I have come to 3 things.

1. Way to fast paced. Possibly a 2k or more word chapter shortened into 500 words.

2. Rainbow Dash is out of character. I highly doubt she would say "How rude of me" and introduce herself.

3. Too many cuts and it's too vague. Add some detail and delve into the scene some more. The first sentence jumped right into it without any explanation so it could be morning, afternoon, raining who knows!

You have a lot of work to do. Not trying to be harsh but you do. Hope this succeeds in the long run

[Umachan]

One thing you really need to not do is to have different colors when different characters are speaking. You could leave the whole color thing out and it wouldn't have changed the story one bit.

And as others have said, this is moving way too quickly. Take your time, there's no reason to rush the climax on this.

[akarock]

Slow down, this is moving way too fast.