A Stupid Plan

by Baby Seal Burritos

The Execution

This was a stupid plan.

It wasn’t even worthy of a more complex word like “foolhardy” or “reckless” or even “idiotic.” No, this plan was simply and purely stupid, and yet Twilight was following Rainbow Dash’s instructions anyway.

What is wrong with me today? Twilight had to wonder as she made the final preparations for what she could only assume would blow up in her face and humiliate her in front of the entire population of Ponyville. I guess infatuation drives ponies to do dim-witted things.

All she could think as she trotted up the streets of Ponyville, trying to ignore the stares from the ponies she passed, was that she could still turn around and go home. She could still pretend that the entire morning hadn’t happened and keep herself from this idiotic crusade.

She stopped outside of Sugarcube Corner and took a moment to admire the architecture that she had seen a plethora of times before; it was an incredible display of artisanship to be sure, with paneling and carvings that made the whole thing look like it was made of candy. It was a mouthwatering sight, and surely it garnered more business than any normal looking bakery could. Inside this delectable building was that pony, that one special pony that made her heart flutter whenever she was near, who couldn’t fail to put a smile on her face despite what kind of day she was having.

And the one pony that she was sure she couldn’t have unless she somehow impressed them with this display.

Oh sweet Celestia she was going to be sick.

No. Rainbow Dash had made the necessary preparations and had made sure to let Twilight know when her special somepony would be inside the bakery. It was now or never. If she didn’t pluck up some nerve this second she would ruin everything and lose any chance of ever being with the pony of her affections.

Twilight set the boom box that she had been carrying with her magic down on the ground next to her, adjusted the oversized vinyl jacket on her shoulders that Rainbow Dash had insisted was utterly vital to the operation, and put on a pair of dark sunglasses. She swallowed hard once, Come on, Twilight. Just pretend you’re a radical pony like Rainbow Dash!

She jabbed her hoof down hard on the play button and loud, obnoxious music bellowed out of the small black box. Twilight rose to her hind hooves, teetered off balance for a moment at the abnormality of the stance, and brought her right hind hoof up to settle on top of the stereo.

Finally, she crossed her front hooves in front of her chest and yelled as loud as she could muster in order to be heard over the blaring beats, “Pinkie Pie! Um… Yo! Pinkie? Are… Are you in there?”

Twilight could have slapped herself for garbling up Rainbow Dash’s lines, but before she had the chance her heart hitched up into her throat as a bright, two-toned pink colored pony poked her head out of the delicious looking doors of Sugarcube corner.

There she was, haloed in a cloud of flour and sugar, wearing an adorable white apron with a pair of stitched candy canes crossed above the breast pocket, her magenta colored mane a frizzy mass of curls that bobbed into her face with each step. Twilight could feel her legs turning into jelly, but she had to keep her pose. She had to make Pinkie realize what a cool pony she was.

Pinkie’s baby blue eyes took in the scene and a wide smile spread across her face, “Twilight? What are you doing, you silly filly?”

Twilight’s tongue felt like a piece of unwieldy lead in her mouth. What were her next lines?

“Hey, Pink-thing. Um… You’re coming with me for a ride someplace really… neat?”

There it was again. She was turning Rainbow’s statements into questions and making this whole debacle even more embarrassing than it was already.

Pinkie trotted out of Sugarcube Corner, flinging her apron behind her with a giggle, “A ride? Where are we going? Ooh! Is it the library? Zecora’s? Canterlot? The moon?”

Twilight dropped back down to all four hooves, “Uh. You’ll see when we get there?”

Twilight switched the radio off and Pinkie started asking more questions, “How are we going to get there? Balloon? Magic? What are we going to do? Is it a surprise party? Does somepony have a cupcake emergency they need taking care of?”

Twilight gestured with a flick of her head towards a bush near the door of Sugarcube Corner; a bright purple glow surrounded the foliage, and the branches parted to reveal a bright pink scooter with light blue trimming. She did her best to saunter over to the vehicle, although what she accomplished was more of a slight limp since her back right leg had gone numb from being in that awkward position for so long.

“H-hop on.”

Twilight attempted to swing into the driver’s seat but stumbled over the step and fell face first inside instead. She didn’t move for a few moments as her utter mortification burned red hot in her ears and inflamed her cheeks. This was going all wrong. Even though Rainbow Dash’s original plan had been stupid what she was accomplishing was even worse. What was worse than stupid? This was asinine.

She felt a gentle weight settle on her shoulder and she turned to Pinkie who offered a helping hoof with an affectionate expression.

“Maybe you’d see better without those glasses?”

Twilight accepted Pinkie’s assistance bashfully, “Um. Yeah. Probably.”

Twilight stepped carefully into the scooter and gestured behind her, “So… If you are still so inclined, I would love to take you somewhere.”

Pinkie hopped in behind her and wrapped her arms around Twilight’s waist, “Of course, silly! Let’s go!”

The proximity of the pink pony was not something Twilight had anticipated. In hindsight, it was rather obvious that asking Pinkie to ride with her on a scooter would end up with the earth pony’s chin resting gently on her shoulder, breathing tufts of air on the back of her neck, all the while pressing up against her back with hooves wrapped snugly around her stomach. The butterflies in her tummy began churning violently as her body temperature rose to frightening levels. She was acutely aware of all physical sensations now, and her thought processes seemed to be shorting out. What was she doing? Rainbow Dash had told her to take Pinkie to a very specific spot, but where was it? Celestia damn it, Pinkie was so close! She could smell the faint traces of vanilla, sugar, and chocolate wafting from her like some kind of intoxicating perfume.

Pinkie spoke up, “Are we still going, Twilight? Or did you change your mind?”

Twilight flinched and slammed on the gas. The two ponies careened right into the side of Sugarcube Corner; they lurched forward and Twilight found herself breathless and draped over the handlebars. Impossible. There was no possible way so much could go wrong in a single afternoon. Surely she was asleep. She was dreaming. This was some alternate timeline in which nothing Twilight Sparkle ever did would actually go as planned.

“Twilight, would you mind if I drove us wherever we’re going?”

“It’s supposed to be a surprise.” Despite herself the phrase came out as a whine.

Once again Pinkie helped right the upended unicorn, and she brushed a few leaves and twigs out of Twilight’s mane.

“I know,” Pinkie said softly, “You just seem reeeal distracted today. And distracted ponies really shouldn’t drive.”

The irony of Pinkie Pie being the logical pony in this situation was not lost on Twilight who sulked as she climbed in behind Pinkie and nuzzled her face in-between the baker’s shoulder blades. Refusing to lose any more control over the circumstances, Twilight gave directions instead of a destination.

“Turn right at this next curve.”

Pinkie followed orders without comment and the pair rode along in relative silence while the scooter whirred and putted over the terrain. Trees zipped past them on either side, a blur of various shades of green, while birds flew overhead all colors of the rainbow and singing cheerful birdsong. It really was a beautiful drive, Twilight admitted.

Soon they were travelling parallel to a small stream.

Twilight perked up, “Just follow the stream a short distance!”

Pinkie smiled, and even though Twilight couldn’t see it she could somehow feel it, “Okie dokie lokie!”

The terrain became decidedly less even and the scooter bounced and jolted as tires impacted with rocks and dipped into potholes; Twilight nearly spilled out the back after a particularly nasty bump and she clutched tighter to Pinkie. She was met once again by the overwhelming scent of the baker which was so sweet Twilight could almost feel cavities forming in her teeth, but the sweetness was also dampened by the lightest layer of sweat which added a tanginess, an earthiness perhaps, to it. So absorbed was the purple pony with Pinkie’s scent that she didn’t realize when the scooter pulled to an abrupt stop.

“Twilight?”

Twilight’s head snapped up and she pulled her arms away with a jerk, “What? I mean. Yes?”

Pinkie turned to face Twilight with a quirked eyebrow, “Are we there yet?”

Twilight disembarked from the scooter to see that they had driven straight to the edge of a cliff; yards below them the sea roared and waves crashed against the cliff wall before running off the sheer face and returning to the ocean. She gazed out at the horizon where the sun was hovering, almost ready to set in a blaze of glorious colors. This was it! This was the place where the final portion of this stupid plan took place! This was where Twilight could redeem herself and win the affections of her very special somepony!

Twilight couldn’t stop herself from laughing. She had done it! Sort of! Just one little task left and it was all out of her hooves!

Pinkie climbed out of the scooter and joined Twilight by the edge, giggling as well, “What’s so funny?”

Twilight twirled on her hind hooves, falling back on her rump, “This is it!”

“This is it! This is what?”

Twilight beamed up at Pinkie, “This is where I make up for all the stupid mistakes! Are you ready?”

Pinkie looked utterly confused, and Twilight was vaguely aware that she was deviating from the script but she couldn’t help but feel elated that it was almost over.

“I guess so?”

Twilight hopped onto her hooves and turned to face the horizon again. Intense expression, she could almost hear Rainbow’s voice drilling that into her head, an intense expression is vital. Was it intense? Twilight couldn’t tell, and to be honest she didn’t care. The sun dipped lower on the horizon.

Pinkie moved to stand next to Twilight, brushing her shoulder against the lavender unicorn’s, “Are we watching the sunset? Is Luna going to visit us? Black Snooty?!”

Twilight turned to face Pinkie, “Shh. All will be revealed soon.”

Pinkie put a hoof to her mouth and nodded briskly.

Both ponies stared out at the sun again.

The sun seemed to dip into the ocean and the sky exploded into a canvas of reds, oranges, purples, and pinks. The ocean still beat against the rocks below them in a steady rhythm that contrasted with Twilight’s heartbeat which seemed to beat just as furious if not faster and more insistent.

This was it. The moment of truth.

Twilight took a deep breath and, pausing to synch up with the beat of the waves, she yelled as loud as she could, “I LOVE YOU PINKIE PIE!”

For long moments there was only the crashing of waves and Twilight had the dumbest thought she could ever remember thinking: Maybe Pinkie didn’t hear her?

Twilight glanced over at Pinkie. The pink pony had cocked her head, an openly puzzled expression stretched across her face.

Twilight was at a loss. This was where the plan ended. Well, in Rainbow Dash’s telling this was where Pinkie threw herself at her and pledged to be hers eternally. But that obviously wasn’t happening and Twilight was on her own.

Twilight stammered, “Um… So…? Yeah.”

“What? Did you lose a bet with Dashie?”

Twilight blinked. “Huh?”

Pinkie pursed her lips, “This is a prank, right? It’s not very funny.”

Twilight felt the wind get knocked right out of her. Had somepony kicked her the gut? She staggered back; she tried to suck in some air but her lungs weren’t cooperating. Her head swam and she felt like she might just be sick.

“No,” Twilight managed, “I… I just…”

Comprehension dawned on the pink pony, “Twilight! Oh. I’m so so sorry! I didn’t…”

Pinkie stepped forward, hoof extended, but Twilight jerked back and suddenly found her back hoof slipping out from under her. She fell forward and slammed her chin on the grass; her lower half began slipping off the edge of the cliff and she scrabbled frantically to grab a hoofhold, but the last thing she saw before gravity claimed her was Pinkie racing forward, panic stricken. Too late. Twilight tumbled off the edge and careened towards the brutal ocean below.

“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie’s voice echoed around her as she plummeted and time seemed to slow.

The pink earth pony fell to her knees, staring in horror as Twilight plunged head over hooves towards the rocks below. She was helpless to save her; all she could do was watch the fall while the image of a heartbroken unicorn burned in her memory along with the sounds of a callous dismissal.

As Twilight fell, she felt an odd sense of peace wash over her. There were less poetic ways to go, she decided. Plummeting off a cliff after having the most asinine proposal of infatuation in the history of equine-kind rejected was surely one for the novels. She closed her eyes, not willing to watch as the rocks drew ever nearer. Hopefully somepony will take care of Spike.

Impact.

But not from where she had expected, after all there was really no way she could be smashed upon the rocks from the side, and suddenly the wind whipped at her from the opposite direction and strong arms wrapped around her. She opened her eyes into slits to see a billowing rainbow mane proudly thrashing her in the face.

“Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight found herself back on solid ground with a completely different set of arms wrapped around her and a tear soaked pink face rubbing all over her cheek.

“Twilight! I thought… And the last thing I’d said…”

Confusion dominated Twilight’s most urgent thoughts.

Rainbow Dash stood self-consciously a few feet away, studying her hooves intently. Pinkie Pie was sobbing uncontrollably on her shoulder. She was not dead.

Twilight decided to get to the bottom of this, “Why are you here?”

Rainbow Dash looked extremely guilty at the accusation, “You’re welcome! I… I just saved your life! Remember?”

Pinkie looked up, tears still streaming down her cheeks, “She’s been here the whole time.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped, “What?”

Pinkie hugged Twilight tighter, “That’s why I thought this was a prank.” She tugged on the vinyl jacket, “None of this is a Twilight-confession it’s all a Dashie-confession, and she was watching the whole time.”

Rainbow Dash grumbled, “Stupid Pinkie Sense.”

Twilight disentangled herself from Pinkie and marched over to the pegasus, “Rainbow Dash, this was the single most idiotic idea you’ve ever had!”

Rainbow opened her mouth to retort, but Twilight cut her off, “No. No no no. I’ve had a very long day and now it’s my turn to say something.” Her tail lashed behind her like a whip. “I came to you asking for help because you’re my friend! I cannot believe that you decided to play with my feelings and turn this into a big, stupid prank!”

Pinkie Pie appeared next to Twilight, “Um, Twilight?”

Twilight looked over at the earth pony, “What?”

Pinkie smiled a bit sheepishly, “She might not have been trying to prank you.”

Twilight had to take a moment to fully grasp what Pinkie was saying, “You mean she actually thought that this… convoluted… brainless… utterly degrading display would win your affections?”

Rainbow Dash chimed in, “Hey! It wasn’t brainless!”

Twilight asked, “How in the wide world of Equestria could you have thought this was anything but brainless?!”

Rainbow Dash frowned, “If it was so brainless then why did you go along with it? You did everything just like I told you! Who’s the brainless one now?”

Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but there was nothing she could say. In reality, she was the moronic one in this scenario. Everything was ruined and it was her fault for going along with something she knew would end in catastrophe. Could this day possibly get any worse?

She sighed, “You’re right. This whole harebrained scheme, in fact this whole terrible outing, is my mistake.”

She turned to Pinkie who shuffled from hoof to hoof, virtually squirming under her gaze, “I’m really very sorry for this whole thing, Pinkie.”

Pinkie smiled, “It’s no problem at all.”

Twilight shook her head, “No. I insist.” She began pacing, circling the pink pony, “I dragged you away from work, made you drive us to the middle of nowhere, fell off a cliff, and made you worry needlessly. This whole thing is the exact opposite of what I wanted. Sweet Celestia, Pinkie, I’m so sorry to have dragged you into it.”

Pinkie shrugged, “Really it’s not-”

Twilight cut her off, “I mean all I wanted was to express my feelings of infatuation! Really! I should have just done what I wanted to all along and walked up to you,” Twilight stopped her pacing to look the slightly anxious looking pony in the eyes, “and said, “Pinkie, I think that you are a very intriguing pony. I have no idea how you do these things that you do to me, how you manage to get inside my head and utterly confound me, but it would make me the happiest mare in Equestria if you’d allow me to try and figure you out.”” Twilight spun away from Pinkie and flung her hooves out in front of herself, “Would that have been so hard?”

“It sounded good to me.”

Twilight turned to look at Pinkie who was smiling broadly. The pink mare swooped next to Twilight and scooped her into a warm embrace.

“And then I could have said, “Oh, Twilight! I have no idea what to say! This is all so sudden!””

Twilight wrapped her hooves around Pinkie’s neck, “To which I would reply, “Please, Pinkie, give me a chance? Give us a chance?””

Pinkie broke eye contact and looked off into the distance, “And I would have to think a moment, just for the dramatic effect.” She slowly drew her eyes back to Twilight’s, “Then, in a low voice, I would answer, “You’re a really super special pony, Twilight, and one of my bestest best friends. I think maybe I’m happy to try being even better bestest best friends with you.””

Twilight smiled, “Upon hearing this my heart would soar, and I would wrestle with the urge to kiss you right then and there.”

“I wouldn’t make it easier for you not to!”

Twilight leaned in closer, “Maybe, just maybe, I would give in.”

Fireworks exploded as their lips touched, and Twilight felt light as air. It almost seemed like she would just lift right off and float away into the atmosphere. Kissing Pinkie was amazing, like nothing she had ever experienced before, and it was over far too soon. The two mares gazed into the other’s eyes, both slightly flushed, and they each smiled a playful little grin.

Twilight said, “Yes. That would be how it could have gone.”

Pinkie nodded with a giggle, “Too bad you didn’t do that instead!”

“What the heck just happened?”

Pinkie and Twilight jerked apart simultaneously at the reminder that their blue pegasus friend was still present. Rainbow Dash stood a few feet away, her ears were tinged red and her wings slightly unfurled. Her eyes darted back and forth between the unicorn and the earth pony as if unsure of who she should be focused on.

Twilight cleared her throat, her own cheeks were burning as well, “We were just… showing how an alternate plan would have worked so much better. So that you have reference for your future romantic endeavors.”

Pinkie nodded enthusiastically and brushed her cheek against Twilight’s, “Yeah! But now that the practice is over let’s do it for real!”

Twilight was grateful when Rainbow Dash bolted away in a chromatic blur, but Pinkie didn’t seem to mind either way.

“So... Who’s an intriiiiiguing pony, Twilight?”

--Author's Notes--

I didn't think that people would assume this was a TwiDash fic, so I guess I'm sorry if I got your hopes up by not tagging Pinkie for the teaser.

When it comes to fanfiction I usually try to think of interesting concepts and go from there. This story began, initially, as Pinkie trying to come up with an over the top way to ask Twilight out on a date, but after some consideration I decided that it had much more potential for surprise and hilarity if it was the other way around. From there I decided that the only real way to make this the fic I wanted to write was to get Rainbow Dash on board. I enjoy writing things like this that are ridiculous, goofy, and fun; and I hope that you enjoyed reading it.

I got really sick the past few days and it made writing the ending really difficult because my head felt like it was full of cotton, so any and all critique would be welcome. (It's welcome anyway, but I'm really paranoid about typos and such at this juncture.)

As for now I'm debating on uploading the 260 word "alternate ending" I found on my computer this morning that I must have written during while on medication last night.

Comments

[Dracuaxis]

It was pretty obvious it wasn't a TwiDash fic. And that's alright, TwiPie is till underdone as is.

This was pretty funny. I was wondering what the cover image was for but now that I see it in here I got the hilarity out of the situation.

Granted, it wasn't anything special - like Alliterations - but worth the read all the same.

[Chilly]

I thought for sure Dash had convinced Twilight to reenact the scene from the movie "Say Anything"

Still this was quite funny and I liked Twilight and Pinkie playing out what would have been a better way to announce Twi's feelings.

[Gabriel LaVedier]

TwiPie again! Fantastic.

[10000 B_C]

I liked this. It had me smiling from ear to ear, and the ending was fantastic. Maybe it's a cliche, 303501, but it's one I'm not sick of yet!
Complimenti, mi amico. I look forward to more of the best ship, and whatever the alternate ending is.
Cheers!

[MiniHorse]

Very cute, once again. Loved Twilight's constant disbelief at what she was doing. And of course that sappily, sweet dialogue at the end (as much as a part of me hates to admit) And the scooter bit too; that was fun.

Also, that alternate ending. Nice

[Starfall]

Not bad, BSB, not bad at all.

Dat alternate ending though You are a very bad pony.

[Donnys Boy]

I just rediscovered this song the other day, and now I can't help but think of this being the song that Twilight plays on the boombox at the beginning of Dash's Great Plan. 'Cause it's such a great "go win the girl" song.

[DarkSonicTrail]

Ooh! Is it the library? Zecora’s? Canterlot?

Twilight: Pause for dramatic effe--

The moon?

GODDAMNIT PINKIE! CAN'T EVEN DO A REFERENCE HERE!

[Miyukana]

Oh no
I thought Rainbow was doing it because she wants to confess to Twilight because the first chapter seems obvious that rainbow is playing around her for rainbow to confess her feelings,but I guess not.Well,good chapter.