• Published 10th Nov 2013
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What You Don't Know - Flaming Pulsar



Human in Equestria lives through full canon length of time. This includes a number of interesting things happening and Discordyness.

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Chapter 36--The Mareidian Party, Part 1

Author's Note:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HX3-95wI0kk6j5lEnhrv8JKTDQVXx9iN-gqdIlLekTw/edit?usp=sharing

So...this wasn't actually planned to be a multiple part chapter but I needed to split it because I have some prep to do for the second part that will definitely take some time. Unfortunately this means that the main reason the Party was hyped so much won't actually happen until the next chapter but it'll be fun, I promise. That said, there's plenty of fun to be had in this part so enjoy!

Chapter 36--The Mareidian Party, Part 1

The next two months went by with little to no importance. I later heard that something called the Winter Wrap-up had occurred the day before the spring equinox because Celestia has to maintain her control by making the population think that the seasons don’t change naturally. Anyways, that happened and I also discovered an attic in my house after some rooms started disappearing and some new rooms started appearing that was later added to the once-a-day shuffling and also added to the maps. We still hadn’t found a cure for my ponyness (the story of which I had explained to Flagra when we visited the Unicorn Tower) so I had learned more about using magic and I had even learned some fighting moves. Flagra even joined me for a couple lessons though I wouldn’t let her take part in the fighting. Eventually, the day came for us to go to Mareidian for the grand party of the world or whatever. Flagra and I met Celestia and Luna in Canterlot where Celestia explained the rest of the plan.

“We will be taking a train up north to pick up Cadance and Shining Armor after which we shall continue onto Mareidian,” she explained. “As you can see, the Doctor, an old friend of mine, will be coming along with us as a delegate.”

“Oh, did I forget to mention that Síor and I have already met?” the Doctor inquired.

“Well, then there should be no problem with you two getting along. This will be a 4-day long train ride so I hope you all brought ways to entertain yourselves.”

“Well I’m still lacking hands,” I complained, “so I won’t be able to jack off but I’m sure I can find some way of ‘entertaining’ myself.” I used the pony equivalent of air-quotes around entertaining which is basically like knocking on the air twice with both hooves as I’ve seen others do.

“Um, Síor,” the Doctor said. “Should you really be talking about that in front of your daughter?”

I looked down at Flagra. She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “She doesn’t mind,” I said. “She’s used to it by now with how I speak at home.”

“Well, in that case, I can show you later how to do it with magic.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Celestia said, getting the conversation back on track. “As Síor is my consort, he may simply…’sleep with’ me if he needs to ‘relieve some stress.’” She also used the pony air-quotes which, the more I think about it, the more they seem really stupid. Like, why don’t we with magic just draw literal air-quotes with magic in the air? Anyways, back to the conversation. “And this brings me to a token of good news for you, Síor. We’ve found a way to return you to your old form.”

“Wait, seriously?” I asked, incredulously. “That would explain why you told me not to wear my armor.”

“It’s only temporary but a recent scouting party has discovered an object that is said to revert whatever comes into contact with it to its original form. The effect lasts up to one week before it has to charge for an equivalent time.”

“Sweet! How does it work?”

“As I said, you merely have to remain in contact with the object for the desired extent of the effect. And it doesn’t work through clothing, it has to be direct contact.”

“Well, where is this object?”

“Right here.” She opened a box in the nearby stack of luggage and pulled out what I can best describe as a big black dildo. It was about 6 ½ inches long, about 4 ¾ inches around, jet black in color and very obviously and purposefully shaped like a penis.

“You’re either completely oblivious to what that looks like or you’re just trying to use this as an excuse to get me to play with a dildo.” Meanwhile, the Doctor seemed rather amused by this whole situation.

“What’s a dildo?”

Surprisingly, Flagra was the one to answer this. “It’s a toy penis.”

“Oh. Well, then.”

Celestia was obviously flustered by this blunt truth and that it came from a young filly. Lucky for her, the Doctor stepped up to ease the tension. “Ah, so you can speak outside of pageants.”

Flagra nodded.

“But only when she wants to,” I said. “Not counting that pageant, that makes five spoken words. Happy fifth word Flagra!” She just rolled her eyes.

“Anyways,” Celestia said, once again reining in (no pun intended) the conversation. “You have to be in full contact with the item during transformation or else bad things could happen.”

“What kind of bad things?”

“I’m unsure but it is a magical artifact so there’s really no telling what could happen if it is used improperly.”

“Fair point. So I shall assume that full contact implies that aI have to touch all of it. Right?”

“That seems to make sense.”

“Well, the easiest way to do so would be to deepthroat it or shove it up my ass.”

“Ah. Well, um, which would you prefer?”

“Well, I was never any good at deepthroating so, I guess, fuck it. Or should I say fuck me. Gimme that.” I grabbed the dildo with my magic and gingerly slid it up my butt. Once it was all the way in, I waited for a second and nothing happened. “What gives?”

“I believe you have to turn it on. There should be a switch at the base of the...um...shaft.”

I magicked the switch on and it started to vibrate. “Seriously? It’s a fucking vibrating dildo?” No sooner had I said that than a green cloud of smoke came out of my ass and surrounded me. I was lifted into the air momentarily as the magic transformed me back into a human.

As I was placed gently back on the ground, Celestia said, “Now remember, you have to remain in contact with the...dildo at all times. It will remain active for exactly seven days after which point, the vibrations will stop and you will transform back into your pony form. If you wish to end the transformation early, just flip the switch and you will be turned back. It is important that you do not remove the...dildo from your...anus before flipping the switch and completing the transformation or the aforementioned bad things may occur.”

“So I gotta keep this vibrating dildo in my ass all week if I want to maintain my human form?”

“That is correct.”

“Well, if I get to be human again, even if it’s just for a week, I’m gonna need my clothes.” I focused for a few seconds trying to teleport my clothes to the train station before I realised that I didn’t have magic anymore. “Right, no magic. That’s gonna take some getting used to.”

“I’ll have Twilight send your clothes to Mareidian. I’ll only give her the map for today so you needn’t worry about her barging in after today. In the meantime, you can wear your armor.”

“But my armor was fitted for my pony form.”

“Ah, didn’t I mention? When you gave Lisbeth your chosen sigil, the armor was imbued with magical properties that allow it to always fit its owner.”

“So, no matter what form I’m in, I’ll always be able to where my armor?”

“Correct.”

“Well, that’s convenient, I guess. But I don’t really want to where hard metal armor over my soft fleshy body without some clothes in between,”

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it. Now then, the train is about to leave.” She magicked my armor onto me so I didn’t have to fiddle around with it for an hour while I tried to figure out how it all went together.

“Thank. And yeah, we’ve been standing here chatting for a while, what time does the train leave anyways?”

“The train leaves when we’re all on board. One of the many perks of being royalty.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t that inconvenience the other passengers on the train if they all have to wait for you and your party?”

“There are no other passengers. It is a private train specifically for the five of us, well, seven once we pick up Cadance and Shining Armor.”

“Huh, well, all aboard then.”

The train ride was boring as fuck. I mostly entertained myself by wittling, writing in my journal, and doing fuck all. I also had to be a father or whatever and make sure Flagra didn’t die. Luckily, she’s pretty good at taking care of herself so I didn’t really have to do much in that regard. Anyways, long story short, I had finished carving statuettes of everyone there including Cadance and Shining Armor (who, apparently, was Twilight’s brother) once we picked them up, and we finally arrived in Mareidian as a full party of seven on May 20. Since Equestria was hosting, we had to arrive a day earlier than the rest of the guests leaving us with one more day to try to entertain ourselves and set up the convention center. This actually gave me time to figure out my armor so I didn’t have to get help all the time. That and put some regular clothes on underneath the armor. Then, finally, the next day came and the other guests started to arrive.

The first to arrive was Chief Thunderhooves of the buffaloes as well as Little Strongheart. I had to stay by Celestia and Luna’s side in full armor (did I mention that I had to be all knightly and such during this trip?) greeting the guests so I couldn’t go and talk to them while they were arriving, I had to wait for the festivities to start. I was a bit confused to see them here as they didn’t exactly rule a nation, though Chief Thunderhooves was a leader at least so perhaps that was enough. I made a mental note to ask Celestia about that later. Next was Chrysalis and Ludo. The sight of them reminded me that I still needed to talk to Celestia about that alliance. Another thing to add to my mental to do list. The next two guests were simply introduced as Naga Leader and Naga Delegate. I had forgotten until then that Naga don’t typically share their names with outsiders. After all, the only naga I had met was trying to kidnap me. After them, was the leader of the dogs Padrino Tito Borfleone and his right-paw dog Duke. Then came the newly elected President Gilda and her assistant Godric. After that, we met all the dragons that had come, which explained why the doors were as huge as they were (and the rooms for that matter). This included the Dragon Lord Torch and his daughter Ember (who was actually almost as small as Spike) as well as Aithusa (or Fafnir as he calls his disguise), Draigoch, and a dragon that I hadn’t met yet who was introduced as Herensuge. Next came Sagittarius, the centaur leader of Greece, and his delegate Tauros, a minotaur. And finally, Aries, the ram leader of Israel and his delegate Bo Peep the sheep. Once everyone had arrived, Celestia said some words and the party commenced.

The party was actually quite similar to the Grand Galloping Gala aside from it being many different species rather than just ponies. There was a food table including a large variety of dishes to appease all the guests including meat (which I was more than happy to indulge in now that my body could digest it again) and even some bottled emotions for the changelings. There was even some dancing to the music that I wasn’t aware was happening until then. I seeked out the source of the music to find Octavia as well as a few other classical instrumentalists playing for us. She saw me and gave me a nod of acknowledgement while she played. I decided to talk to Celestia about my to do list before joining the party.

“Hey Sunbutt,” I said as I walked over to her.

“Síor, could you please show me a little respect while we’re in front of the other leaders.”

“But I’m your consort, doesn’t that make us equals?”

“Not quite. And even so, you shouldn’t use such a derogatory name.”

“It’s not derogatory, it’s a pet name. Would you prefer that I call you ‘Celestia Feather of the House Alicorn, First of Her Name, the Uncorrupted, Princess of Equines, Bovines, and Other Kinds, Princess of Equestria, Ruler of the Great Lakes, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Equestrian Kingdom, Breaker of Fear, and Mother of Ponies?’”

“Feather? Where’d you get that surname?”

“You were married to White Feather, weren’t you? I read about it in Clover’s journal.”

“I suppose that is true. But no, just call me Celestia. I won’t even make you call me princess.”

“Whatever. I was wondering why Chief Thunderhooves is here since he isn’t technically the leader of a nation.”

“That is true, however, he is the leader of an important group within our borders so I have deemed him worthy to attend as a leader. Besides, he is an important member of the United Nations.”

“United Nations? So everyone here is basically in part responsible for the fate of the world?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

“And in this United Nations, I imagine it would be frowned upon to have wars with each other.”

“Are wars ever smiled upon?”

“Good point but here’s mine: Chrysalis has threatened a war if you don’t give her some food ponies.”

“When did you talk to Chrysalis?”

“Back in August while the others were delivering a tree or something.”

“Well, I’ve told Chrysalis that if she wants food ponies, she would have to provide some chrysalis for building.”

“But the changelings can’t make chrysalis unless they are properly nourished.”

“Well, I’m not just going to give my ponies away to be fed upon.”

“What about ponies that are in jail? Why not just juice them up with love poison and send them over?”

“I suppose that could work. Very well, I shall consider this. You can tell your new friend of my decision.”

I went and told Chrysalis the news after explaining how my life had gone leading me to forget until now to talk to Celestia about all this. She was happy about the news but confused about the ponyness and the transformation dildo and agreed to call off the attack. Then I went over to Gilda to say “Hi.”

“Síor?”

“In the flesh.”

“How have you been?”

“Well, since we last met, some psycho-chick tried to become an alicorn but it backfired and I got caught in the crossfire turning me into a pony. I got a new house. I became a dad. And Celestia found a transformation dildo that allows me to be human for a week.”

“So, you’re actually a pony right now, even though you look human?”

“I guess so.”

“And what’s this about becoming a dad?”

“Well, I found a little filly in my house the first time I went through it so I reluctantly adopted her after no one else would claim her. Apparently there are no orphanages in Equestria.”

“And the transformation dildo?”

“That’s what I’ve been calling it, at least. It’s some magical item that can revert something back to its original form for up to a week. Unfortunately, it also happens to be a vibrating dildo and I have to keep in contact with it in order to maintain the transformation.”

“So, if you’re always in contact with it, where is it?”

“In my butt.”

“Wait, really.”

“Yep. And I have to keep it turned on in order for it to work.”

“So you’re saying that you have a vibrating dildo in your butt at this very moment.”

“Yep.”

“And it’s been in there for how long?”

“This is day 6.”

“Geez! How have you not passed out from excessive orgasms?”

“Actually, I learned to control myself on day 3 when I had nothing better to do but jerk off thus desensitizing myself to the sensation.”

“You really do lead an interesting life don’t you?”

“I suppose so. So what about you? President? When did that happen?”

“Actually only about a month ago. I was so well liked as the mayor that the citizens decided to overthrow the old government and elect me as their new president.”

“Why is it that I’m always the last to hear about these things?”

“Because you never read a newspaper.”

“Fair enough. Well, I’m gonna go seek out other people I know.”

“Whatever.”

I went to go find Little Strongheart and Chief Thunderhooves. They were over by the food table eating some hay and oats. “Hey LS, CT. How’s it going?”

“Síor?” Chief Thunderhooves questioned.

“The one and only.”

“So you are a knight now?”

“Yeah, that’s one of many new turns my life has taken in the past few months.” I explained the joy of Trixie and the various other things that had happened to me since I had seen them last.

“Much of that sounds very unpleasant,” LS said.

“Indeed. So you’re a delegate, huh?” I asked LS.

“That I am. I have also been named the successor to the chief since he has no children.”

“That’s great news. I wish you the best of luck with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe there are some dragons that I need to talk to.”

I went over to Draigoch and Fafnir who were talking amongst themselves. “Hey Draigoch, Fafnir.”

“Síor, how are you?” Draigoch asked.

“Not too bad.” I proceeded to once again explain my life for the past few months. “I’ve also become rather rich so there’s that.” I added this last bit knowing how dragons were about gold hoping to distract them from the multitude of events in my life that they could ask about.

“How rich, if you don’t mind my asking,” Fafnir said.

“About 2.2 million bits.”

I heard a roaring laugh nearby as another dragon, joined the conversation. “Being that rich I’d almost think you were a dragon,” he said. “The name’s Herensuge, I don’t think we’ve met.”

“Síor,” I said, holding out a hand.

Herensuge then shrunk to my size and grabbed my hand in his claw and shook it.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked, incredulously.

“Unicorns and alicorns aren’t the only one’s who know magic.”

“You mean you know real magic?”

“Ah, you’ve heard of real magic?”

“Please teach me!”

“Eager one, aren’t you. But I overheard you aren’t permanently human, is this correct.”

“Yeah, what’s that gotta do with it?”

“True magic uses the whole of the being, this means you must be in your original form naturally to properly use it. Meaning no transformation dildos, as hysterical as that is.”

“Well, that’s not gonna happen any time soon. I’ve had the entirety of the Equestrian royalty as well as the full force of the unicorn tower searching for a solution to this and so far this dildo is the best they’ve come up with.”

“Well perhaps I can take take a look.” He put his claw on my forehead and closed is eyes in concentration. After a few minutes he took his claw away and said “I’m sorry but this is ancient magic, even older than Fafnir here. I know no magic that can undo this. I may be able to help the situation though but it would take some research. I’ll see what I can find. Where can I find you if I come across anything?”

“Right now, I live in a house in the Everfree Forest. You can’t miss it.”

“Very well, if I come up with anything, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Suddenly Celestia’s voice rang out over the festivities with an announcement. “Attention everyone,” she said. “It is now time for our annual game. Each delegation can enter up to two people from their party to participate. As always, there is an immortality field over the playing field just like the one over this building. The rules are simple, the last one who hasn’t died wins. The winner will receive this.” A pedistal raised with what looked like an old computer on it. “A piece of technology from long ago preserved by a magical field in the depths of the Pony National Forest. The game will take place in a replica of the Canterlot Hedge Maze. You will have fifteen minutes to choose your competitors.”

“I want that,” I said when I saw the computer. I said goodbye to the dragons and went over to Celestia requesting to be a challenger.

“Very well, Síor,” she said. “You may compete. Who shall be the other from the Equestrian Delegation?”

Flagra raised a hoof right in front of me.

“Shit, I forgot you were here,” I said. “I really am a terrible father. But I’m gonna take a step in the right direction by saying that you can’t compete.”

She gave me a look.

“I don’t care if there’s an immortality field, It’s still too dangerous.”

“She does have a point, Síor,” the Doctor said. “No harm will come to anyone who competes.”

“She doesn’t even know how to fight,” I countered.

Flagra nodded then showed me some moves that I had learned from my fighting lessons.

“You’ve been secretly watching my fighting lessons, haven’t you?”

She nodded.

“I’m so proud,” I said hugging her. “You’re just like your dad. Though I’m not sure if that’s actually a good thing… Whatever. I guess you can compete on one condition. If you win, I still get the reward.”

She nodded. I think she just wanted to show what she was made of.

“I guess that settles it then,” Celestia said. “The competitors representing Equestria will be Síor and Flagra.” She then put on her announcer voice and said “The time for choosing has ended. Challengers, please make your way to the arena.”

Flagra and I went to the maze outside and went where we were directed. Each challenger started on a teleportation sigil that would instantly teleport us each to a random location inside the maze at the start of the competition. We were told that if we died, we would be instantly teleported back outside. A magical projection appeared overhead that showed each of us getting into position as well a a timer that counted down from 30 that was presumably when we would start. As the timer approached 0 Celestia’s voice rang out saying “Let the game begin!” Instantly we were all teleported into the maze (which was tall enough that the dragons couldn’t see over it and wide enough that they could walk through it; it was also made fireproof so they couldn’t burn it down with their fire breath) and prepared ourselves for battle.

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