By: Caelan Smith and Dark Gold
What if your father was the god of Chaos. What if you were an alicorn, who went against the princesses. Well that sums up Night Wolfe, son of Discord and Nightmare Moon. He has study hard and learned more then any other pony, but without his father his powers are weakened. His cutie mark is the lambda symbol, which shows how he uses his words to 'cut' the lives of other ponies in half. Discord causes chaos, but with Night there Discord is slow on causing chaos. Night may learn that being a rulers son is different from his life before Discord. Everypony is shocked to see an alicorn that is evil, but one is different, Dark Gold. Dark's shop goes out of business after Discord takes over, but Night has other plans for Gold.
Don't hate cause of alicorn OC.
I don't even... What?
Wait... What?
I have no words for this, other than a suggestion to fire your editor and find a better one, or failing that, find an editor. I'm hesitant to call it a story even, since it doesn't make any meaningful attempt to invest me in the characters or interest me in the storyline. There are so many reasons to downvote this story that an alicorn OC doesn't even make the top ten. A Name made up of two words does not a sentence make.
I have ONE THING to say about this. This story, and the following quote.
Response: ...
its this kind of stuff that makes me mad leaving me at a situation like this so annoying
but its a good story
Please take my sound advice, and allow someone to edit this. There are so many grammatical errors, that it was almost painful to read, and fragments are running amok more than Discord. The're little to no exposition, what could tentatively be called the plot moves at a breakneck pace that leaves the mind in the dust, and the lack of detail makes the whole thing rather muddled.
3729853 Well thanks for the help
Okay, at the very least, let me edit this, I can clear grammatical errors from this whole thing.
3729864 Is it that bad
YOU ALL ARE FUCK FACES THERE IS NO SENSE IN ALL THIS FUCKING HATE DUMBASSES. IS THIS ALL YOU DO GO AROUND AND HATE ON PEOPLE IF YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT FUCKING READ IT.
3677121 ARE YOU A F-TARD DON'T COME HERE POSTING STUPID PICS JUST TO HATE YOU SIR ARE A NO GOOD LOW LIFE PEICE OF SHIT
3734453 Alright, I'll use words.
Your friend is an absolute incompetent, and his sheer existence is literally making everything else that has ever been written just a little bit worse.
As for you, if the English language were a child, it would be taken away from you by social services due to severe abuse, and you would be condemned to a life of mime.
3734427 Oh, the irony.
3734427
3734453
>defending the story.
>at the time of this post, has not even faved the story.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10136-tumblr_mkt63pXr211rriakmo1_500.gif
I await an update also this has been added to my fav list
3795186 I want to know, why did you like it?
3795193 it's 1 of the most interesting alternate universe story's I've found
3795231 really?
3795233 yes it is honest opinion very fascinating
3795241 look harder, but how did you find this
3795245 got bored going though a search this came up and I loved it happy now?
3795504 Mind taking a look at the other story with Night in it, very scary,happy,sad, and just pure fun. You'll see
Y do people hate this story it has a lot of potential anywho don't give up dude this story is great
3822058 Thank you
Just giving you fair warning, I'm about to attempt a rage review of this. Hope your story survives the nuclear fires.
The review's up. You can find it here. It's very brutally honest. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to hangover recovery.
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...
...
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Were you high when you wrote this, or is this really a serious work of fiction?
3827797 I could just be guessing here, and correct me if I'm wrong.... but I'm thinking that maybe the author has some wolf OC he wants in every story he makes?
Or he just likes wolves?
Also, I read your review: hilarious, by the way.
3869903 Thanks for trying to make me feel better
3869910 You are welcome.
3869912 You know this site hates on any new writers, trying to get away from school. I was never the smart in reading or writing, I was more math, history, and other things. This was a wakening time for me, I never knew I could write such sad stories. You got to say, when you first started, you did have the best story, now did you?
I didn't think so, try giving a new writer a beak and at least give some good thoughts and don't just say the story sucks with out telling why. That's what I use to get everyday when I first started this.
I tried to make people think differently about alicorn OCs, but I see people can't see that. It's people like him that give us new writers a bad name, nobody is good when they first start, so give them a break.
I will say chapter 1 wasn't my best of both stories, but just give people time and they will become better.
3869952 Funny, when I was a new writer, I wasn't hated by anyone on this site (other than the non-anthro crowd, and even then they were mostly polite), mostly because I didn't start or have all of my stories focus on OCs or the same one. The point is that you need to be able to take criticism well, and for all that is holy, NEVER RESPOND IN ALL CAPS. That just makes you look immature and it hurts to read, since people who do that all the time are never taken seriously.
Take a look at your character: is it an OC? Yes. Is it a unique OC? Yes. Is it OP in many ways? Yes. Could it be improved to not only no longer be OP but also fleshed out and good? Undeniably yes. Should you listen to the advice of others, such as make his parents Discord and a random earth pony instead of Nightmare Moon? Yes. Should you delete their comments because they make you feel bad and they hurt your feelings? No. Should you try and ask them for advice without acting like an immature, ego-centric wolf-OC-loving writer? Above all else, YES.
People have told you repeatedly why it isn't very good and have given many repeated reasons as to why, but you ignore them or insult them, like that proofreader you abandoned and said nasty things about behind their back. (Yes, I know about them: they wrote all about it and I'm more inclined to believe them, given my own difficulties with proofreading in the past.)
I like to think I'm more of a neutral third party that tries to give out advice.
Actually, that's not true, so don't insult me by insinuating it is. My first story gained moderately-good praise and has improved because I listened to the advice of others, my next has done rather well, the third has been very positively received and my fourth story overall got featured and now has over...
You know what? This isn't about my success as a writer, it's about yours. Now then, without insulting anybody, do you think you could just bite the bullet and take their advice to heart? I sense potential in you, but it is being blocked by one thing: your ego. Spouting "woe is me" and "this site is hard on new writers" isn't going to help you any more than deleting their comments is.
Just try to reshape your character in wyas that make him less.... OC-ish, and more like a genuine creation rather than an OC from an RP of yours that you lifted into this fandom. And trust me, I know all about people using those.
3734427
I just wanted to say, no. Please don't yell at these people.
Stop. Your story has potential. It really does. I think having Discord have a son who overthrows Celestia IS a good idea.
The thing is.... You executed it in all the wrong ways. You get mad at people telling you they don't like your story. You block people who give reviews of your story. You're reacting in all the wrong ways. Please. Listen to he good criticism. Rewrite a chapter of two. It would help a lot.
3871575 OK, I like people like you. Problem is I might get more hate for what I'm doing in chapter 6
3869952
Ahh! I'm now seeing the main problem here now...
Ok, I'm going to give you a bit of an advice when you're lurking on this site.
First of all, don't immediately bloody assume all short blunt comments are "hating" on the story-- Actually, "hate" is a strong word; I prefer "tired"-- it already gives you a bad reputation.
People will rarely put out comments like these on stories that ARE really actually worth having them. Plus, there will always be a constructive criticism somewhere so don't go around raging around those comments and just relax and ignore them.
I also have heard from people that you have blocked everyone ( Including one that had gave you a helpful long critic. )
Right... Now, don't be surprise that you're now actually getting real hard hate because you just made yourself look like an asshole--
Oh my, someone had actually already pointed out your mistakes...
Are you even reading them?
I hate he many people dislike this story it's a nice fucking story I will say it again do not let them get to you keep up the good work
3899138 Yea I know and the other is being updated right now
3899138 You know if it help, try spread it around, tell people to over look the alicorn and just see how bad Night's life is....Thank you
3900054
We can have a thousand stories, all with a character with a 'terrible' life, but that does not make them good.
For good examples, see Diaries of a Madman, currently the longest story on this site. For bad examples, look no further than this page.
Another one of your problems is mistakenly assuming people will overlook the Alicorn and somehow make it through the error-ridden mess that is this story. And I'm not just talking about grammar, either. There is some serious OOC in this.
3869952
No. Stop, right there. Don't pull that kind of bullshit; my first story on this site was well received and I quickly found friends on this site, namely because I didn't start shit with people in the comments just because they gave criticism, because contrary to what you seem to think, you are capable of mistakes like anyone else.
And this story is perfect proof of that, this story performs ALL the cardinal sins of a bad OC: offspring/spouse of canon character? Check. Horrendously overpowered? Check. Derails the characters of all others to make the story work? Check. Centers the story around him despite there being nothing interesting about him? CHECK!
I implore you to please for the love of Celestia either get a pre-reader or at least get someone to evaluate your story synopsis, hell I'll do it for you.
Okay, it's...salvageable. I've seen worse, I've seen better. It's pretty rushed, and needs some fleshing out. I know that it's AU, but the characters are a bit too much OOC.
I won't lie to you. I try to judge every story fairly, but I have a vendetta against alicorn OC stories. They feel dumb and unrelatable, and usually have terrible grammar and spelling. This one's better than the norm, but not by much. It kinda makes sense why Night Wolfe (I'll admit, that's not TERRIBLE for an OC name) is an alicorn, but you could've been more creative and made him something like a half-draconequus half-pony or even just a normal pony with dark chaos powers. I know you might think that you're breaking the stereotype of alicorn OC stories, but you're not. It's, well, unoriginal.
Keep in mind, this isn't really a bad story. But I won't be liking or favoriting.
I'm sorry, but this story hosts a whole plethora of grammatical, spelling, punctuation and formatting errors. Also, the story is very generic with really boring characters and... an alicorn OC?
I'd advice getting a few editors and to learn the basics of story-telling such as show, don't tell, LUS, awkward sentences, sentence fragments, etc.
I'm really trying to be helpful here—please read a lot and do well in English class.
4442883 I have a 93 I think....but sadly yes...my horrid story
4443015
What grade are you in?
4443261 9th