Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Life is full of mysteries. Mysteries that range from “who took the last bit of coffee out of the pot and failed to refill it?” to “Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Where are you going?”
Yes, I am quoting Babylon 5. Yes, you should watch it. Especially in this day and age, after… Well, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I’m Andrew Eugene Shepherd. American, male, white, Christian: Your basic Tumblr trigger warning. I am twenty-six years old. I have a degree in archaeology and history from the University of Denver, and plenty of experience in odd jobs ranging from solar power sales to librarian, to children’s teacher and apprentice carpenter. Getting a full time job as an archaeologist is tough without a Master’s degree, and since I’d gotten through college without having to take out any loans I wasn’t about to sink myself in debt now. So for the last few years I’ve bounced around numerous jobs, saving money, and living in the real world.
I have a mom who works as a medical librarian, and a dad who works as a nuclear engineer. And a brother who is just a whole mess of things but finally settled on doctorate in mathematics. Not to mention a large family of various, messily connected relatives in the Southern United States. A family lineage that goes back well past the American Revolutionary War. A history that has family involved in many, many wars before and after. This is important, but not for the reasons you might think.
Despite what you may have heard, Earth in the 21st century is not a raging hellhole of death and destruction. Overall, this is the most peaceful time in the history of the human race. Nuclear weapons made the kinds of conflicts that would mow down whole swaths of continents untenable, so now we must fight with ideas, economics, and spoiled celebrities. The news plays up the drama because they need the views.
My own individual life wasn’t terrible. Sure, I had good days and bad. Sure, I was still stuck at home, trying to muddle my way into adulthood. Sure, I hadn’t had a girlfriend for much longer than a year. And sure, I was going silver a bit early.
Okay fine: Gray early, but I will refer to myself as silver because that’s my preference. So there.
The point is, in the grand scheme of things my life wasn’t too terrible. It was actually good in many ways. It wasn’t the kind of life you’d think you’d miss though. It isn’t the kind of thing you think you’d pine after, years after.
Then again… You aren’t me. Since you’re not going to be, I’ll do the next best thing. The thing every human just loves to do, no matter how much they might deny it.
I’ll tell you my story. Not the whole thing. Just the parts important to more than just me.
You need to understand something though: I never went into this to be a hero. I fantasized about it, sure. Who hasn’t? But most people just fantasize the fun parts of being a hero. Being a hero is like anything else about life:
You live it, with your own two hands.
- - - - -
The last day I had on Earth wasn’t particularly memorable. Which is a shame: The little details are all my brain has groped and scraped for. What did my sheets smell like as I slid into my bed? How did my posters and pictures shine in the setting sun through the bedroom window? What book did I last read? Was it ironic? Significant?
All I know is that one moment, I had closed my eyes, collapsing on my bed to take a nap after a long day’s work in my clothes… And the next, I was falling through the air.
I don’t remember what I said to this. I know it was long, inventive, and absolutely foul. Which is a shame, because it’s the kind of expletive I’d like to remember for future occasions. I do remember what I said when I slammed into something big, warm, furry, and somewhat cushiony. Not cushiony enough for the fall to be anything but painful.
“FUCK! DAMN! SHIT! BALLS! PUS SPEWING MOTHER EATING-!” I rolled off the hairy cushion, and collapsed into dirt and grass in an inelegant heap. “BALLS!” I groaned, as my wrist screamed in pain. I staggered up, a grinding, growling noise filling the background. I paid it little attention as I stumbled my way to a tree, and leaned up against it. I panted, grasping my wrist tightly. I grit my teeth and hissed my breath in a low whistle.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, ow ow ow ow ow…!”
The growling got louder. A small part of my brain insisted this was important. Vitally important. I didn’t pay it much attention, as I tried to figure out where I was.
It was… A forest. Underneath a bright blue sky, and a gorgeous sun shining high overhead. There were mountains far off in the distance, but nothing like the mountains back home. The air was filled with the buzzing of insects and the calls of birds. Something big, warm and musky smelling was growling behind me.
Oh yeah. That thing.
I looked over my shoulder. It was big. It was red and yellow. It had big sharp teeth. It had massive jaws and paws with claws. It stood taller than a grizzly bear, and had folded, bat-like wings poking out from behind its furry mane.
The thing’s eyes zeroed on me, wide in anger and pain.
I blinked. I blinked again.
“... Um... “ I held my arms up and glared, my mind faintly remembering what to do when you meet a bear in the woods. “RAWR! BEAT IT! GO AWAY!”
The thing roared back, opening it’s gaping maw and showing off fangs longer than my fingers. I felt its hot breath, smelled blood on the wind. It opened its wings, unfurling them widely. In concert with its mane puffing up in all directions, it made my threat display seem like a purse dog yapping.
The thing stopped roaring. I was pretty sure I had bladder control at some point in my life, but that was a distant memory. All thoughts seemed to cease… Save one.
I punched the thing in the eye. It reared back and howled, putting its massive paws over its face. I turned, saw a fairly clear path through the forest, and I ran like a starving man for a turkey dinner on a cruise missile.
In hindsight? This was a preview of how things were going to be from now on…
- - - - -
I was running. I was swearing. I was probably crying. The raw, animalistic fury of nature pounding after you, hungry and angry: Any thoughts of dignity flee your head like a flock of scattered pigeons. All that matters is survival.
I had no idea where I was going. Into thicker trees, yes. Thicker trees made it harder for it to chase me. It tried to smash through the foliage, but kept slowing down. I almost felt safe.. Then the thing just got through with a strength I couldn’t conceive of and I went running again.
I was banging into things. I was getting cut up. I was stumbling and struggling to keep my footing, changing directions at random. The thing still kept coming.
I had to think. I needed to think. Thinking though is difficult when you’re running on primal panic and terror. When every time you try to stop, Death screams in your bones and ears and sets you running again.
The foliage, unfortunately, began to get thinner. I was able to run faster, with more level grass supporting my feet, but that just meant the thing could go faster too. I felt a whump as the thing’s clawed paws missed me: But it was close enough the air pushed me. He was getting closer… Closer..
I looked back through tear filled eyes. The thing was preparing to lunge again… All his body weight about to be thrown in one direction… I janked to the left, just as he sprang… And janked back to the right, throwing myself bodily out of the way. I didn’t make the landing though: As the monster roared, I fell and tumbled down an incline. I hit water, face first, and the shock stunned me. I tried to push myself, tried to roll over: A mighty paw slammed down on my side, and I felt the heat of the beast’s breath on my head. I closed my eyes. I prayed: Nothing coherent or profound, just the desperate plea for salvation.
God… God, please… Please… God… Please…
The air sang. I felt the voltage rise, like a tesla coil was lighting up in front of me. My hair stood on end, and the beast howled in pain and shock. Trembling, I opened my eyes. I slowly looked up and back, craning my neck uncomfortably.
The thing was running for it, howling as it left a trail of smoke in its wake.
“Hey! Hey! Are you okay?” Asked a gentle, female voice. I slowly turned, fully expecting to look into the eyes of my savior… And I did.
Pink orbs, large and filled with concern and amazement. In a purple face, elegant with a slightly pointed chin… And muzzle. Framed by pink and darker purple hair in a cute collection of bangs and a ponytail. A purple horn poking out of the forehead.
I looked down. Barrel. Hooves. Long neck. I looked back up. It was still staring at me, and smiled in a comforting manner.
“It’s okay… It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you,” it… she said. “My name is Twilight Sparkle… I’m not going to hurt you. Can you… Can you understand me?”
I managed a nod. The… Twilight nodded.
“That’s good. What’s your name?”
“... Shepherd,” I rasped. “Andrew Shepherd…” I blinked slowly, and my head began to sink back down. “I uh… I’m really tired…”
“It’s okay,” Twilight said softly. I felt like I was floating in the air, that buzz like a tesla coil back. I shut my eyes. “It’s okay Shepherd. You’re safe… I’ll take care of you…”
I nodded. “Thanks…” And I passed out.
- - - - -
Who are you? Where are you going? What do you want? Who do you serve, and who do you trust? What do you want? Who are you? Where are you going? Who do you serve, and who do you trus-?
"Ah! Ahh... Haa..." I felt my chest strain, just a bit, as I breathed. Like my ribs were being tightened around a barrel. I ached all over: A sure sign of pushing myself to the physical limits. My head throbbed slightly, just enough to be annoying.
I opened my eyes, and saw nothing but darkness. I breathed a little faster, fear of blindness hitting me hard... Until my eyes adjusted, and I took in my surroundings.
It was a dimly lit room, with furniture gently outlined against the darkness. A cabinet, a mirror, and so on. All familiar. The bed I was in was large, and comfortable. I could just make out rafters, etched in the dimness above me. I tried to move... And immediately regretted it, as pain screamed through my chest.
"Urk! Urgh...!" I bit back my cries of pain... But I was heard anyway. A soft... Hand? I thought, rested on my shoulder and gently but firmly pushed me back down.
"Shh, shh, it's okay, I-I won't hurt you, you're safe now," a soft female voice spoke. I could just make out her head, and what I thought was hair. I almost managed to see eyes: Very large, blue eyes... Yet despite their strangeness, they seemed kind.
"Where am I?" I croaked.
"My cottage, near the Everfree Forest," the woman continued softly. A... Bottle moved in front of my face, and I felt cool metal pressing against my lips. "Drink."
I was parched, so I began sucking on the tube. The water that splashed into my mouth felt so refreshing, my pains and aches were temporarily forgotten. It tasted crystal clear and delicious. I drank as much as I could, gulping it down, before the mystery woman withdrew it.
"Not too much," the woman said. "I know you're thirsty, but too much will just make you sick."
"Th-Thanks," I managed. I tried to make out more details in the dim light, but it was hard to see anything more distinctive.
"I'm Fluttershy," she said softly. "What's your name?"
"Shepherd... Andrew Shepherd," I replied. What a strange name, I thought. Maybe I'd ended up at a hippie commune? How did that happen?
Then again, how did I get attacked by some giant monster, moments after falling into bed? Was this a dream? Was this the sexy-time part?
"Welcome to my house, Andrew Shepherd," she said, and I could swear I heard a smile in her voice. "You're very extraordinary, you know. I've never met someone like you before."
"Uh, sure?" I managed, confused. "That's nice. Uh... Listen, Miss Fluttershy, do you have a phone I can use?"
"A... Phone?" She asked, equally confused. "What's a phone?"
I don't think I could have looked more incredulous than I did right now. Sadly, due to the lack of a camera, nobody will ever see it and confirm that for themselves.
"Are you kidding me? You know, telephone. Telefono, if you want it in Spanish. That invention that's been around for over a century and lets you talk to anyone on the planet? That thing?" I growled.
"I'm terribly sorry, Andrew. I don't know what you're talking about. It's probably my fault, I'm not very knowledgeable about technology. Just nature, fashion, and a few other things. Sorry again."
I grimaced, feeling guilt. She sounded so utterly sincere it was impossible for me to continue to lash out at her.
"That's okay," I sighed. "I'm sorry too. I'm just really lost and confused and I don't know what's going on-"
"Shhh," she pressed her forehead against me. I felt her cheeks, and her nose. They didn't feel human, but they did feel warm and comforting. "It's okay. Focus on getting better. That's the most important thing right now."
"I... All right," I managed. "Gotta say though, I don't know how I'm going to sleep after all that."
"You simply must," Fluttershy insisted. "You need to heal. Don't worry. I promise nothing will happen to you. Absolutely nothing."
"You sound serious," I commented. I could feel her smile against my face.
"I'm always serious. Except for, um, the times I'm not," she murmured. She kissed my forehead. "Sleep now."
She turned and headed away, a strange clopping noise following her steps. She grunted, and opened a door. I winced at the sudden exposure of bright light, my eyes screaming pain into my brain. I squinted, and slowly things came into view.
I blinked.
A butter yellow pony, with a fair amount of anthropomorphism, looked back at me. Her pink mane styled in long, lustrous locks. A pair of tiny wings sat on her back. Her eyes were blue, and her smile was unforgettable.
"You're going to be just fine," she said.
It was at this point I decided sleep was preferable to this new bout of weirdness, and I promptly passed out.
- - - - -
Oh my Celestia
It's alive
OH BOY
Praise be! Our master has returned! Let us sing our joy to his most glorious HANDS!!!
And just like that, one of my favorite stories are back! Do you have a patreon?
So glad you're back, and that you've decided to get back to writing. I hope everything is going well, and I look forward to this reboot!
Why did you feel the need to rewrite the first chapter? starting in medias res was significantly better than this.
8619978
I'm going to start one.
8619995
Huzzah!
8619991
I just felt like it. A mad artist's prerogative, you might call it.
8620007
Fair enough. I just liked the original opening more, as the whole, "dropped into an alien world, oh crap something is trying to kill me," is a bit of a trope at this point. The original opening felt more refreshing.
Oh, neat. Never give up on an old favorite! :)
8620013
Alas, I cannot please everyone. But thank you. I enjoyed it too.
I'm really glad to read more of this. While I agree that in medias res was an excellent way to begin the series originally, I really enjoyed this look back and seeing how Andrew found himself in Equestria. Part of that is just the smile I had when I saw more of this written, I've been reading since the beginning.
Thanks for coming back. It felt like seeing an old friend again.
Welcome back! Glad that you haven't given up on this fic.
So its finally happening. Aw yiss.
please let there be no forced harem
Welcome back, old friend.
This version is interestingly descriptive. Looking forward to the rest of the reboot!
talon you inglorious bastard! good to see ya back on the pony
The first quarter feels very clunky to me kinda like reading a resume, which is kinda dull.
"And, at the end of all our travels
We shall come back to where we began
And know the place, for the first time..."
...Or something like that...
Welcome back!
Glad to see more of this, especially with the new twist.^^
Glad to see this story is alive again. Welcome back.
I did not expect this.
Can someone give me a short summary of what happen between the start and now, I completely forgot what happened
As others have said and will likely continue to say, welcome back Andrew. It will be wonderful to see where this story will go to.
8620231
Lots of pain.
8620241
More like Madness
Didn't expect this story to be resurrected, but it was a very nice surprise to see.
There's also the perennial "Why are we here?" One of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why ARE we here?
8620517
I recognize that quote
"Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out. The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here."
8620531
Red vs Blue is SO much better than it has any right to be. And I LOVE IT.
I'm pretty sure you meant to use 'jinked' instead of 'janked'
Jink means to change direction suddenly and nimbly, as when dodging a pursuer.
Reccomendation. Put the old in a Google-Document
And Make this new Revies chapter the only chapter.
Huzzah!
Bwahahaha. Well played.
So not a bunch of Southern U.S. Gun Nuts?
Oh my!
Ah yes. The manticore
Humanity: Punching Monsters in the Eye!
Down, boy!
Remarks and corrections:
-The system takes care of line spacing now. No need to add additional empty lines between your content; they mess up the system. Click the "formatting" button and fiddle around with the paragraph option a bit to see what I mean.
> I almost felt safe..
Double period there.
> Very large, blue eyes...
Dark teal, actually. Blue would be Pinkie Pie. Even in his state of dazedness and his unfamiliarity with odd pony eye colours, I'd still imagine he'd describe them as something like "greenish".
> A... Bottle moved in front of my face
shouldn't have a capital letter on "bottle".
So fresh start? I like the extra detail going on this time. It feels...
Overdue...
Looking forward to more from our favorite monster puncher!
8619995
Good to read.
Anyway, great start.
D— Don't tease me like this. It's not fair.
Huh. I hadn't realized it had been so long and/or had forgotten about this.
Good to see you back.
I've also completely lost interest in the show, (I stopped watching way back, after the season 4 opener, and haven't watched anything made since then) but the fandom and stories always manage keep me on this site despite that.
8620959 My family is a bunch of gun nuts... in New Jersey. Yes, life is hard for us... so many liberals.
Of course, that doesn't stop them from shooting up each others drug houses down the street from us.
So is the plan here to do a revised version of the entire thing? I guess I'll have to reread the original again just to see how much you
screw this upimprove things. Hopefully you get around to doing a full ending this time. Also, the irony of this bit of satire being so damn popular is not lost to me. I love the work and the delicious irony.Edit: Well I reread chapter one, and then this revised version. It's interesting. I wont say it's better, not yet. I liked the first chapter. However it does start in the middle of things, where this starts at an actual beginning. However that is simply a narrative choice, neither good nor bad by itself. That being said so far I DO like this revision. It seems to keep the same tone as the original did (from what I remember) and I loved that.
Huh. A new set of Hands. Wasn't expecting it, but I look forward to seeing what comes of it.
Oh boy, a reboot. Let's... not do this?
8620241
There was quite a bit of fun too. Finished rereading everything by the way.
You know for all that you complained about the serious moments and the story arcs, they are some of the best parts of it all. Yes the comedic tone is great, and I loved the original for it. But the two work great in tandem. Like Dragon Ball. The original series is rarely all that serious, and those few moments it is stand out all the more BECAUSE they're unusual.
Hands was never intended to be serious, and I get that. But it is a credit to you as a writer that despite all the absurdity of the intended satire, you never break the suspension of disbelief. Hell the fact that Andrew lampshades EVERYTHING might be part of the reason for that. He's the kind of everyman that rather than seeming to live in a rampant wish fulfilment story is just trying to survive the insanity that his life has become.
Another factor I enjoyed was the "Every mare wants him" stereotype played CORRECTLY. There are only two who really show romantic interest in Andrew, Fluttershy and Twilight. Rarity does it just to fuck with him. Same with AJ, Dash, and Chrysalis. Pinkie is Pinkie. It's impossible to tell if she's serious, fucking with him, or actually innocent. Hell sometimes she comes off as all three at once. Which is perfect for her. This reminds me of Tenchi Muyo, where despite the titular character having a personal 'harem' living in his house, only Ryoko and Ayeka are serious about it. Sasami thinks of him like her older brother, Washu flirts with him because it lets her fuck with Tenchi, Ryoko, AND Ayeka all at once, and Mioshi is impossible to tell. (Then again she's very much a Pinkie type character)
I look forward to this reboot, but I hope you keep the same general storyline. The changelings as transgalactic/transuniversal aliens was a rather refreshing take on them, and I was sad to see the original's story die out before we got to see Earth contact Equestria, or better yet, see what this 'rainbow bridge' was all about.
And it's good! Wooooohoooo!
Woot woot. It begins anew. Looking forward to it.
Dragon
There should be a parody of this titled "Manos: The Hooves of Fate"...
Trixie: "Trixie shall get revenge on Twilight by seducing her coltfriend."
Andrew: "Do! Not! Want!"
Trixie: "PREPARE TO BE FORNICATED!!!"
you should separate the old and revised stories.
for those like me who see a new chapter is up and just click can get confused.
i reread the story, got to the new chapter and was like "teh fuk?", if ya just marthoning the story and just keep click next without a thought...well i think ya can see where i am coming from.
still a nice story doe
8632842
8632741
I've seen some 'Redux' type stories on the site, so as long as it's a clean break and involves significant rewrites it should work.
Might be one of those frustrating edge cases that depends entirely on which mod you're talking with, though.
8633282
true enough