• Published 8th Nov 2013
  • 1,891 Views, 54 Comments

NO BREATHING! and other stories - Doctor Parker

A collections of short stories based on the work of Michael Rosen

  • ...


Hard Knox couldn't be happier! All of her students were gathered at school, because they were getting the most important guest of all. There was a burst of light, with brighter sparkles that pierced the eyes. A proud fanfare of trumpets that would put John Williams to shame sounded throughout Ponyville. Then they saw it:

A massive chariot, pulled by many white stallions in cheesy armor, toting her, the great Sun Princess herself.

All the foals gathered 'round, at the entrance of the school with excitement and joy, for they knew that she was coming especially for them, to teach them life's greatest lesson. The carriage landed, and ignoring the small number of foal that were crushed under its weight, the majority were jumping and squealing with delight to meet the celebrity of celebrities, and they bombarded her with questions:

"Is it true you're Chuck Norris?"

"Can you really fly?"

"Conservative or Liberal?"

"Can you banish my brother to the moon?"

"How do you troll?"

"Who is your favorite Doctor?"

"What is more powerful, the magic of Friendship, or Mechagodzilla?"

"Who shot first?"

"Do you like breaking rare Chinese vases?"

"Who is more powerful, SpaceGodzilla or Destoroyah?"

"What's Octopus plural?"

"What is the square root of one?"

"If I drink milk through my nose and laugh, will it come out of my ears?"

"Can I be a Princess too?"

"Can you give me a weenie? I'm a girl and want to remain one, but I want a weenie too. They look fun."

Celestia, trumping slowly to the school house while being bombarded with these questions, gently raised her hoof and said with a laugh: "Now now, I know these are all very important questions, but I came to answer the most important one, after I read you a short story." Hard Knox handed her a book, and Celestia read from it:

"Once upon a time, there was an Ugly Barnacle: He was so ugly that everyone died! The end!"

There was a silence.

It was disturbed by Apple Bloom tearfully exclaiming "That didn't help at all!"

Celestia slammed the book shut: "I don't see why it shouldn't, young lady. It is truly sophisticated, with its minimalism, detailed characterization, and harsh realism. In fact, I own a hard copy on my bookshelf, and have taught entire classes revolving around this work of art. Any more stupid remarks?"

There were none.

"I thought not," she close with a devilish smile before she resumed talking. "Back to the most important question: Why am I awesome? That is a question I can easily answer!"

Then with a flick of her mane, her regalia was magically transmuted into a a ball cap, a huge gold chain necklace, gold teeth, and a huge sweater. Then her guards jumbed in wearing matching attire. A beat played in the background by means of magic, and Celestia began to chant with it.

You may think I'm happy
You may think I'm sad
You may think I'm crazy
You may think I'm mad
But hang on to your seats and listen right here
I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your ear!

A-Hip, hop, the hip-hop-hap
I'm giving you all the Trollestia Rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap

I was born on the 7th of May
I remember very well that awful day
I was in my mother, curled up tight
Though I have to say it was dark as night
Nothing to do, didn't want to breathe
I was so happy didn't want to leave!

Then I heard some people give a shout:
"One push,Tau Sunflare, and she'll be out!"
I'm tellin' you, that was a puzzle to me!
I shouted out: "How'd you know I'm a she?"
Doctor shouted "Good Lord, she can talk!"
I popped out my head and said, "Now watch me walk."
I juked and jived around that room
Balam-bam-boola, balam-de-ditty-boom...

A-Hip, hop, the hip-hop-hap
I'm giving you all the Celestia Rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap

When I was one, I swam the Trotting Channel
When I was two, I ate a soapy flannel!

When I was three, I started getting thinner,
When I was four, I ate the dog's dinner!

When I was five, I was in a band playing drums
When I was six, I ate a bag of plums!

When I was seven, I robbed a bank with my sister
When I was eight, I became Prime Minister!

When I was nine, I closed the schools with Lun',
When I was ten, I sent her...straight to the moon!

So that's who I am, that's what I'll tell,
Missus T, Missus R, Missus O-L-L!

That's what I am, that's what I'll be!
Missus C, Missus Sun, Missus God, Missus me!

A-Hip, hop, the hip-hop-hap
I'm giving you all the Celestia Rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap...

Then The Sun Princess catwheeled out, and all the guards departed with highly choreographed flips and jumps, and with that, the door slammed shut!!

All were dumbfounded, resulting in a deep silence that lasted until it was broken by a most obstute observation from Snail.

"That was weird."

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Comments ( 14 )

Sweet Jesus this was amazing XD

This is beautiful. I need to see an animation for this. Now. pls. :trollestia:

I was laughing so loudly my family told me to shut up :rainbowlaugh:

Awesome! :pinkiehappy: What was your favorite part?

4109132 Celestia Rap was the one I was laughing so hard at.

4158065 What Teleros and Tachyon gave me was genuine criticism. What you gave me was not.

I would like some explanation, please. It sounds like a case of overly rustled jimmies on your part, or really bad trolling. Do explain, and I will explain myself.


Jammed out with this while reading that last chapter. Good lord, the mental image of Celestia singing it in front of those confused foals just made me lose it.

4158246 Ok this chapter was halarious!!

Thanks! I might do Chocolate Cake and Hot Food as later Rosenized stories!


The ugly barnicle, that one always gets me.

I can barely believe somebody actually did this. Of course, if I had the insane rumination to actually search up Michael Rosen on this site, it would make sense that somebody did this for real.

Nice job.

An idea:
"Twilight finds a book of Useless Information"
What do you think?

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