Sandy Shores checked her watch and silently thanked her old partner once again. They hadn’t seen eye to eye on very much, but one piece of his advice had served her well: Always seat the patient facing away. That way, they can’t tell how bored you are.
“We’ve been through this, Cheerilee. ‘Life’ is not out to get anypony. We are the products of our upbringing and of random circumstance. It’s unhealthy to—”
Reclined on a nearby couch, Cheerilee threw a hoof up. “And we keep going through it because nopony seems to understand! These things don’t just happen! It’s a… I don’t know! A conspiracy, or… or a plot or something!” Leaning on an elbow, Cheerilee whipped her head around. “I know how that sounds, but something is going on!”
Caught off guard, Sandy dropped her quill. Oh, here we go. She made sure to assume her most tolerant expression when she leaned back into her plush office chair. “I know it feels that way, Cheerilee, but it’s very common to see oneself at the center of random events. It’s our way of making sense of the senseless.”
Cheerilee slowly shook her head. “Forty-three. Nopony has forty-three terrible dates in a row. It just doesn’t happen!”
Sandy sighed and wished she were at the beach again. Why didn’t I listen to my dad? she thought, doodling in her notebook. ‘Who wants to work on a stinky old boat?’ I said. ‘I want to be a therapist and actually help ponies!’ I said. What an idiot… She’s been coming here for months and she’s as stubbornly attached to this delusion as she’s ever been.
“—an explanation?”
Sandy shook herself. “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that? I missed it.”
Cheerilee half-turned, catching Sandy with her eye. “I asked if you had an explanation, because I’m at a loss.”
Sandy fought to keep her expression neutral. What she really wanted was to shout and to throw things at the wall. It was like being lost in a cavern and finding yourself in the same passage over and over. You’d think you’d found the way out, only to see your hoofprints in the dust. “Tell me about your last encounter and we’ll see if we can figure this out together,” she said reluctantly
Cheerilee flopped back down onto the couch. “Well, I met this really nice stallion named Loop. He’s a jeweler.”
Imagine that. Sandy scribbled the name on her mostly blank notepad. “And how did that make you feel?”
“What? His name?”
Sandy underlined the notation. “Uh… sure.”
“I didn’t feel one way or the other about his name. It suited him, I guess.”
“Mmmm. Interesting.”
“Anyway,” Cheerilee continued after a moment’s silence, “I bumped into him at the library and one thing led to another. All of a sudden, he was asking me out to the movies.”
Sandy stifled a yawn. “And how do the movies make you feel?”
“I don’t see what—” Cheerilee took a deep breath. “I like going to the movies. At least there everything always seems to work out in the end.”
“Mmmm. Interesting.”
“So we met up in the lobby and got our seats.” Cheerilee fidgeted. “I should have known it was going too well. He was really cute and a great conversationalist. I was actually a little upset when the movie started because we’d been having this great discussion about the pros and cons of Equestria’s governmental structure, but we had to cut it off. It always seems like…”
Seagulls. Sandy half-closed her eyes and imagined she could see gulls wheeling lazily overhead. She was warm, and the sand shifted under her hooves slightly as she labored through it. Despite the effort, she was grinning. The salt air invigorated her, and the light breeze—
“Are you listening?”
Sandy jumped, dropping her quill again. Cheerilee was eyeing her suspiciously. “Ah, sorry. I was just thinking about how much I like government, too.”
Cheerilee squinted at her therapist for several seconds before continuing. “Anyway, we’d been watching the film for an hour or so when Loop decided that he wanted some popcorn. It didn’t take him too long, but then…”
Despite herself, Sandy cocked an ear toward her patient. “And then what?”
Cheerilee let out a lengthy sigh. “I knew it was going too well. Loop came back, but, well, he was awfully...” Poking up above the couch, Cheerilee’s ears turned bright red. “...frisky.”
Sandy uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “Frisky?”
“Yeah. He sat back down and, um, he was kind of all over me. First our hooves kept touching in the popcorn bucket, and then he leaned over and just laid one right on me.”
“And how did having one laid on you make you feel?”
Cheerilee’s hooves twisted around each other. “Um… wanted. Guilty. Unsure. Excited.”
“Mmmm! Interesting!” Sandy jotted more down in her notebook. “But while this sounds a little forward, it doesn’t exactly sound bad.”
Cheerilee covered her eyes with her hooves. “We were making out like yearlings! I mean, really going at it. He had his hoof all twined up in my mane, you know, kind of pulling it. I, um, used a lot of tongue.”
Sandy tapped the notebook with her quill a few times. “… And?”
“It’s just that it was so dark in there!”
Sandy blinked. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well,” Cheerilee replied with a loud swallow, “the lights finally came up and I just screamed! A-and I slapped him!”
Sandy’s eyes bulged. “What? Cheerilee, that’s not reasonable—”
“It was Filthy Rich!”
The statement hung in the air between them. Finally, Sandy removed her glasses and cleaned them with a soft cloth she kept in her desk. “Could we go over this again? I’m afraid you’ve lost me.”
Cheerilee’s clutched the sides of her head and moaned. “I’m not even sure that I have it right. There was a lot of yelling and hoof-pointing going on.”
“Just take your time and do your best,” Sandy replied in her most understanding voice. “If it helps, think of something relaxing for a few minutes. Perhaps the beach. Or ocean waves.”
Cheerilee took a deep breath. “After the screaming and… um, the slapping, I turned around to see Loop in the row behind us with some sleek model-type. I guess Filthy and his date sat behind us, and then when Loop went to get popcorn, Filthy did, too.” Cheerilee covered her face with a pillow. “Oh, it was so dark in there!”
Sandy’s quill hovered above the page. She had no idea what to write about this one. “Uh, so how did all of that make you feel?”
Cheerilee sat up and threw her hooved up over her head. “How do you think it made me feel? I was making out with a stallion that I despise while my date waltzes off with some knockout because ‘She seems a little more into him!’ Filthy’s yelling at me about lawsuits, and then yelling at Loop for date-theft, and then yelling at his date that he wants a refund! Meanwhile, the other patrons went to go get more popcorn so that they could sit back down to watch us fight. Ugh!” She fell back onto the couch with a thud. “What a nightmare. It’s a curse. It’s the only explanation.”
Sandy checked her watched again. Five minutes? How can it only have been five minutes? As she watched, the minute hand ticked over. “Just thirty-two to go now.”
“What?” Cheerilee said, twisting her head around.
“Nothing!” Sandy replied, tearing her eyes from her watch. “Please continue.”
“Well, doesn’t it sound like a curse to you?” Cheerilee reclined again, folding her hooves on her stomach. “I’ve spoken to Twilight about it three times, but she acts so funny around me these days. And Zecora has asked me not to tromp through Everfree again, so I can only catch her at the market. I’ve read every book at the library, and I think…”
I should have listened to my dad, Sandy thought again, drawing a seagull soaring over a sailboat. The open ocean. The salt air. Just me and the sea. She checked her watch again, adding “So how did that make you feel?” when Cheerilee took a breath. Cheerilee’s reply was lost in the waves Sandy was adding beneath her sailboat. Why didn't I listen to my dad?
Those theaters do get pretty dark...
Are you sure about this 1000 thing?
Cheerilee needs a new shrink.
Just date Mr Tub-O-Ice Cream. He'll never betray you.
4642467 And I thank you for it!
4651664 I'm pretty doubtful that I'll get to one thousand chapters. It's basically a way leave it open ended. I work on this when I'm bored, and I might conceivably run out if it was Cheerilee's Hundred. Any other number would sound odd to me. But this way I have room to create as many horrible dates as I feel like without bumping up against the end number.
4651665 She tried, but Rarity seems to have that doctor completely booked!
Cheerilee should save up for a trip to the crystal empire, If I was suffering from what seemed like a mystical curse on my love life I'd go consult the Alicorn princess of love.
That bait-and-switch must've been painful for Cheerilee. So close, yet so far.
Also, I'm with 4651665 ; she should definitely consider a new shrink. Heck, I think she could just fall asleep and have Luna take care of her. After all, it's been well-documented that Princess Luna is the best psychoanalyst in Equestria bar none.
4651680 Those two should really talk some time. They both have the same problem.
4652105 I promise to give Cheerilee a good date when this is done, however that happens. However, I'm not sure I am the person for that story. Shipping/Romance isn't exactly my bag. I have a romance in the works right now, so we will see if I put something competent together or not. If I can't, I might hand that final story over to someone who can do it. I don't want people to be disappointed by the resolution.
Oh jeez, this is why they should reinstate ushers. Would solve everything!
It's funny but this one really bothered me. The date was funny it was more how shite the therapist was. I mean if you've been seeing them for a month and the patient is showing zero progress you shouldn't keep seeing them, you should explain you're the wrong doctor and say goodbye. Not ignore them. (I'm overly touchy due to this being an area of study. Please ignore me ranting.)
If this is still before season two, then Discord isn't the one causing these shenanigans. It's probably Celestia.
Uh...
4652290 My mom's a therapist, so I was kind of exaggerating some of the conversations I've heard around her profession from time to time. Psychologists that were frustrated by their patients because they preferred to stew in their problems rather than actually solve them. She suspects Cheerilee of that, plus she just hates being a therapist. Her cutie mark told her to be an ocean going pony, but did she listen? Nooooooooo...
4652300 Oops. Loom started out as a mare named Ruby. I guess I didn't get all the gender references changed.
EDIT: Loop. His name is Loop.
4652469 Loom? Reaping the fruits of jewlery, was he?
4652780 Oops. Hopefully I didn't do that everywhere!
EDIT: Dammit, I had a heart attack looking for that typo in the story before I realized I'd called him Loom here in the comments.
Man, Equestria must have some crazy magitech going on to project it's movies because the movie on the screen should be producing more than enough light to see that you're at the wrong date.
Also: please let the next date be with the model/escort Filthy was with, because she recognized Cheerilee from the Sapphire Shores debacle and had heard she's a DAMN good kisser.
"I seriously think something is going on here!"
'Blah blah blah, why didn't I do this.' "Huh?"
"That doesn't just happen!"
'Blah blah blah, why won't she just shut up?' "And how did that make you FEEL?"
"It's happened so many times it can't be coincidence!"
'Man I really want to go sailing.' "Uh huh."
---
She's not a very good therapist, is she?
4651675 Yeah, true, "1000" just sounds right-- even if it meant that she will have to go through about 3 solid years of terrible dates every single night. n_n;;;
Or Cheerilee became the Alicorn of Sucky Dates, and lives through that many still.
But trying to predict when you may want to finish, and going too few mght write you into a corner, while, say, 394 through 666 could be abridged or refrenced over in having a big number.
4653288
I imagine if a therapist kept seeing the same person over the same reason would get frustrated eventually.
4652823 Oh ho ho, you loon, you ;D
4651675 I dunno, at this rate "Cherilee's Six Hundred Sixty-Six" is looking probable.
You really should've listened to your dad, Sandy!
I still say that Cheerilee should talk to Fluttershy's BF. This really sounds like one of his 'amusements'.
4653281 I went back and forth over whether it was dark enough in a theater for that to happen, but ultimately I decided that this was a comedy. Dumb crap like that happens all the time in comedies, and if I'm a slave to reality in this series, well, there won't be much of a series to read.
4653288 Well, she's ignoring what her cutie mark is telling her. She's meant to be a sea-faring pony, not a psychologist. It's one of the hallmarks of this story. Almost everyone is terrible at their jobs.
4653800 Date 666 - Cheerilee dates Satan from South Park, never realizing that he's gay and just wants someone to go shopping with.
4655367 He's still a statue, though!
4655171 Sandy isn't known for her keen decision-making skills. Her life is a Cheerilee-level mess.
Sandy should prove that there is nothing to this curse by going on a date with Cheerilee
4655874 The mare with the worst luck in Equestria stepping out with Ponyville's worst decision maker? Sounds like a recipe for success! Successful chapter, that is...
Unprofessional, though. Not that Sandy is professional in the least.
4655794
I'm really not sure that's relevant; normal causality is not something that Chaos normally cares about!
4655798
Sounds like the plot line for an other story. And they shoukd totally date.
4656218 Why would you want to do that to Cheerilee? Don't I make her life terrible enough without adding Sandy's issues?
4656307
But, it's the perfect match! They can complain about there problems to one and another the hole date!
4656324
4656307
DUDE. IT'S HAPPENING.
I now ship CheeriRich. Seriously, she needs to go on another date with Filthy, if only as a settlement to avoid a lawsuit. I would love to see Diamond Tiara scheming to make the date succeed/fail.
4655787 Sounds about right.
4656468
YES!!!!!
4652465 *Grins and nods* I get that, like I said in my comment, it's just me having a knee-jerk reaction.
4656468
4656746 You guys are some cruel, cruel readers. That's why I like you so much.
4661224
Sounds like a foreshadowing to me
4677934 That was a guest chapter, and I when someone writes for me, I try to give them as much latitude as I can to tell the date their way. I think the extremely busy pony dynamic works well for that particular disaster.
I don't usually put stories into the "multiple chapters" section of Short Stories until they're complete--sometimes there wind up being some massive chapters at the end. I can leave it in for now if you want, or I can remove it until it's finished.
4679898 This story won't be finished for a long, long time, but I don't mind if you remove it. It's your group, so whatever you want to do is fine. I just thought people looking for short stories would enjoy it.
However, I will say that long chapters won't happen in this story. One of the rules for it is that each chapter has to be less than 2,500 words each.
Fair enough. I'll leave it in.
You know, there is another story about bad dates you could get some ideas from.
Ever heard of A Stallion for the Time Being?
Sandy's an asshole.
Hey, how do you apply to do a guest chapter? I have a date where Cheerilee is caught up in the return of King Sombra, probably thinking she could handle the oncoming rush of black smoke because "I've faced a robot, a raging Fluttershy, and scores of bad dates! You bring it on you candy horned smoke machine with a speech impediment!" And then Sombra kidnaps her, tells her he respects her bravery only for things to escalate for the next few days and then things get interrupted when Mane Six and Co. jump in, taking Sombra away while Cheerilee rolls her eyes and makes a crack about Stockholm Syndrome or whatever.