Dear Princess Celestia,
I wanted to write to you and thank you for the wonderful time I had while I was at the palace last Friday. Twilight has told me many times that the cuisine the castle serves is Equestria’s finest, and I can happily report that I couldn't have enjoyed my meal more.
And speaking of Twilight, she’s been nudging all of us to write to you with “friendship reports.” It seems that she and her friends are so busy these days that they’ve struggled to meet some task that you’ve set for them. Twilight's been very concerned about it, so she asked the mayor to call an emergency city council meeting where we could all discuss the issue. There, she implored us to pick up where they had left off. I had no idea the ins and outs of friendship were so mysterious, but as a loyal citizen of Equestria, I wanted to do my part.
And I learned a great deal about friendship after your party.
You see, when I was seated next to your nephew, Prince Blueblood, I had thought that it must be some sort of mistake. I’m just an ordinary mare, after all, and here I was, surrounded by all of these dignitaries and an honest to goodness prince! It might be all old hat to you, your Majesty, but I had to pinch myself repeatedly to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming.
I’ll admit that I was a little apprehensive, though. You see, Rarity and I like to go out drinking from time to time, and she’s a little chilly when Blueblood’s name comes up. She says that a lady never speaks ill of her encounters, but that you were aware of the situation. Apparently a hoof-written apology from the prince was involved? She’s very cryptic about the whole thing.
However, I found your nephew to be pleasant company, and I was deeply moved when he asked me for a dance. Pardon me for saying this, but whatever else he might be, that stallion can move it on the dance floor! I hope you could see my smile as we passed you. I was in heaven.
When the dance was over, the prince asked me to walk with him through the garden. I’d like to apologize here for leaving your party early, but ordinary mares from Ponyville are not asked to stroll with princes very often, so I take whatever opportunities when I can get. You probably have to beat stallions off with a stick, but, well, I’m sorry if this is getting too personal, but I’m finding love to be a little challenging right now.
So we strolled through the palace’s absolutely exquisite garden and sat at a lovely gazebo overlooking the river. Prince Blueblood surprised me when he asked if he could weave flowers into my hair. I’m lucky that it was dark. I’m sure I was blushing furiously.
It was all so enchanting. The quarter-moon. The stars. The light breeze. I had flowers in my mane and he was so gentle and caring. I had to look away for a few seconds and regain my composure when the prince asked me if I’d like to go out onto the river with him. To be rowing by moonlight with a prince! He trotted back for a bottle of wine and then we went down to the dock.
Well, I was a little surprised when the boat turned out to have enchanted oars that did the rowing for him. I suppose I’m just old-fashioned that way, but he noted that he blisters easily. At least it gave us the opportunity to talk.
Not that we were talking for long. Shortly afterward, I started to feel somewhat strange, and your nephew began slowly creeping to the other end of the boat. Reaching up to feel my face, I could see that my hooves were covered in large welts. Panicking, I looked over the side into the water, and… my face! It was a swollen, lumpy horror!
All that I can think is that I must have been allergic to those flowers. My eyes were beginning to swell shut at that point, and I asked Blueblood if I could turn the boat around. He began yelling about monstrosities, and as he began retching, he somehow made the boat speed up instead of returning to the castle. I kept asking him to get me to a doctor, but he said that my ugliness unnerved him and that it was all he could do to keep from fainting.
I began ripping the flowers from my mane, which apparently he took great offense to. He said that I was removing them just to spite him; that I was purposefully casting away the only beauty left for him to look upon. Then he pulled the cork from the wine and downed the bottle. He said it was the only way that he could cope with the sight of me.
The oars were pulling at a breakneck pace by that point. The castle wasn’t even in sight anymore. I tried to get through to the prince that I was in trouble, but my tongue had swollen so badly that it just came out as a garbled mess. Your nephew valiantly took control of the situation by bursting into tears and hiding his face in his hooves.
Well, I needed to get through to him somehow, so I began crawling slowly across the boat, hoping that my mumbling would be more understandable if I was closer. I could barely see at that point and my joints were so inflamed that I was having great difficulty moving. I had to really work to make sure that the flailing oars didn’t brain me, but as I neared the prince, he screamed and jumped overboard. Last I saw of him, he was swimming for all he was worth to the shore. Maybe I should have followed, but my body was so useless that I was afraid that I would drown.
That was two days ago. As I write this, your nephew’s enchanted boat has taken me far out to sea. I last saw land several hours ago, though my sight is still quite blurry. I could be anywhere, really. It’s hard to tell. I’ve begun chewing my last stick of gum in hopes of fooling my stomach into believing that it’s food. That’s what it’s like being a teacher. You end up packing plenty of quills, ink and paper, but nothing to eat. So I’m writing this letter and I’ll be throwing it out in the wine bottle. I hope that it makes it to you somehow. If it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate a search and rescue mission.
But back to friendship. Friendship is the basis for Equestrian society. I’ve taught that to foals for years and years, but I learned an important lesson last Friday: Friendship has its limits. Perhaps a lady never speaks ill of her encounters, but my father was a farmer. If I see your nephew again, I’m going to take a rake to him and show him exactly how un-ladylike a country girl can be!
Fearing for my life,
Cheerilee
Wow Cheerilee, you must have been desperate to date Prince Blueblood.
HHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAH!
Man, I have to say this one is the best one yet. You're going to have a hard time topping this chapter.
Perhaps a lady never speaks ill of her encounters, but my father was a farmer. If I see your nephew again, I’m going to take a rake to him and show him exactly how un-ladylike a country girl can be!
A sentance Apple Jack would ahve been proud of! And she would probably have said it the same way!
As soon as I saw the chapter title, I knew who the date was.
I believe my verbal reaction was "Oh no...really?"
Look at the bright side, Cheerilee. Maybe you'll meet a nice sailor. Or a few nice sailors.... Oops.
Perhaps she'll meet a nice seapony?
3641574 She's definitely getting desperate!
3641583 I can only imagine where this will leave us a hundred dates from now. Poor Cheerilee will find out that her date is actually a demon has summoned meteors to destroy Equestria for her amusement.
3641693 C'mon now! You didn't think I could write a story about terrible dates and leave out the worst of the worst, did you?
3641838 If she does, we can be certain it will be the worst day of that seapony's life.
3641905 Hmm...Gilda hasn't gotten her due yet.
3641706 She'll probably just run into pirates.
3641916 That is true, but why would anyone want to date Gilda? Bleh.
3641634
Ah'm Applejack and Ah approve of this here message!
3641926 Love poison?
3641706 Just wait -- any day now she'll be absolutely drowning in sea... ponies.
3641926
Blasphemy! Gilda is hot!
3641706
With her luck, probably Guybrush Threepwood or Popeye.
3642060 She probably would run into Guybrush, and then get immediately captured by LeChuck!
Loved this chapter, you totally pegged Blueblood. I wonder how Cheerilee will get back home? Surely it'd take a while for the bottle to reach Canterlot, if it reaches Canterlot for that matter. She probably wishes she kept that bottle, if you know what I mean.
3642106
Insult Sword-fighting duel! NOW!
3642149 If this story has taught me anything, it's that Cheerilee is remarkable resilient.
Flowers in mane - out at sea.
No food - no water.
Sounds about right for a Cheerilee date.
3642297 You know, that sounds like it ought to be a haiku.
Flowers in water.
Lost at sea, she fights for life.
Why must her dates suck?
This chapter just had 'A three hour tour" and the idea that she'll beach on Gilligan's island going though my head
3642859 Skipper's going to smack Cheerilee with his hat.
You know, this almost wasn't entirely Blueblood's fault. I mean, how was he supposed to know that Cheerilee was allergic to those flowers? But of course, being the pompous dock-hole that he is, he just had to make the situation worse. What a royal pain in the pajamas.
3643425
Here it is, folks. My new favorite phrase.
And then Edward Kenway sails over the horizon...
Ehh, at least this date started well. Blueblood may be a tool, but right up until the allergic reaction he was treating her decently enough.
3645694 She did get a nice dance a stroll out of the deal. Now she just has to deal with a three months of hives and it will be all good.
This was probably the date that went the best of the bunch. Ain't that sad?
Remember what I said about the last one? I take that back: this is the best one yet!
3647171 I choose to think that both of Caramel's were going better. Mostly because I hate Blueblood.
3648944 I thought you might feel that way.
In the words of RD...
Aww no Cheerilee! That one was going so well.
Hmmm... Cheerilee's father was a farmer eh? She was a country girl? Sounds like she'd be ideal for a certain someone. *wink wink nudge nudge* XD
Seriously though, at the rates these dates are going, Cheerilee should just go out and get herself a Big Mac. At least the love poison incident, potentially disastrous as it was, was completely the fault of an outside party.
Here, pretty much every single date has gone wrong because of the persons in question. Caramel is the only one whose even come close to pulling off a good date.
And WHO didn't see Blueblood treating the poor girl like waste?
Oh god.
That... Wow...
Just has no luck... AT least she's ok, right?
~Skeeter The Lurker
It would have been nice if Blueblood had disengaged the magical motor before abandoning ship. If nothing else, I'm pretty sure that's a rule of being the master of any vessel, no matter how small.
Poor Cheerilee! She can't catch a break, can she?
Oh noes!! Poor Cheerilee
Wow. Things went from great to crap so quickly.
Poor Cheerilee. At least we know she got home OK.
I should've figured Blueblood being nice would be too good to be true.
Sooner or later Prince Blueblood's reputation will precede him. First Rarity now Cheerilee...
So at one point Blueblood was trapped on a boat with a lumpy, swollen, misshapen thing slowly crawling across to him, mumbling.
Frankly, I don't blame him for fleeing; I'm pretty sure that's a scene from a Japanese horror story.
I like this one!