• Published 15th Nov 2013
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Cheerilee's Thousand - xjuggernaughtx



Cheerilee goes on one thousand terrible dates.

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Date Fourteen - A Royal Pain in the Aft

Dear Princess Celestia,

I wanted to write to you and thank you for the wonderful time I had while I was at the palace last Friday. Twilight has told me many times that the cuisine the castle serves is Equestria’s finest, and I can happily report that I couldn't have enjoyed my meal more.

And speaking of Twilight, she’s been nudging all of us to write to you with “friendship reports.” It seems that she and her friends are so busy these days that they’ve struggled to meet some task that you’ve set for them. Twilight's been very concerned about it, so she asked the mayor to call an emergency city council meeting where we could all discuss the issue. There, she implored us to pick up where they had left off. I had no idea the ins and outs of friendship were so mysterious, but as a loyal citizen of Equestria, I wanted to do my part.

And I learned a great deal about friendship after your party.

You see, when I was seated next to your nephew, Prince Blueblood, I had thought that it must be some sort of mistake. I’m just an ordinary mare, after all, and here I was, surrounded by all of these dignitaries and an honest to goodness prince! It might be all old hat to you, your Majesty, but I had to pinch myself repeatedly to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming.

I’ll admit that I was a little apprehensive, though. You see, Rarity and I like to go out drinking from time to time, and she’s a little chilly when Blueblood’s name comes up. She says that a lady never speaks ill of her encounters, but that you were aware of the situation. Apparently a hoof-written apology from the prince was involved? She’s very cryptic about the whole thing.

However, I found your nephew to be pleasant company, and I was deeply moved when he asked me for a dance. Pardon me for saying this, but whatever else he might be, that stallion can move it on the dance floor! I hope you could see my smile as we passed you. I was in heaven.

When the dance was over, the prince asked me to walk with him through the garden. I’d like to apologize here for leaving your party early, but ordinary mares from Ponyville are not asked to stroll with princes very often, so I take whatever opportunities when I can get. You probably have to beat stallions off with a stick, but, well, I’m sorry if this is getting too personal, but I’m finding love to be a little challenging right now.

So we strolled through the palace’s absolutely exquisite garden and sat at a lovely gazebo overlooking the river. Prince Blueblood surprised me when he asked if he could weave flowers into my hair. I’m lucky that it was dark. I’m sure I was blushing furiously.

It was all so enchanting. The quarter-moon. The stars. The light breeze. I had flowers in my mane and he was so gentle and caring. I had to look away for a few seconds and regain my composure when the prince asked me if I’d like to go out onto the river with him. To be rowing by moonlight with a prince! He trotted back for a bottle of wine and then we went down to the dock.

Well, I was a little surprised when the boat turned out to have enchanted oars that did the rowing for him. I suppose I’m just old-fashioned that way, but he noted that he blisters easily. At least it gave us the opportunity to talk.

Not that we were talking for long. Shortly afterward, I started to feel somewhat strange, and your nephew began slowly creeping to the other end of the boat. Reaching up to feel my face, I could see that my hooves were covered in large welts. Panicking, I looked over the side into the water, and… my face! It was a swollen, lumpy horror!

All that I can think is that I must have been allergic to those flowers. My eyes were beginning to swell shut at that point, and I asked Blueblood if I could turn the boat around. He began yelling about monstrosities, and as he began retching, he somehow made the boat speed up instead of returning to the castle. I kept asking him to get me to a doctor, but he said that my ugliness unnerved him and that it was all he could do to keep from fainting.

I began ripping the flowers from my mane, which apparently he took great offense to. He said that I was removing them just to spite him; that I was purposefully casting away the only beauty left for him to look upon. Then he pulled the cork from the wine and downed the bottle. He said it was the only way that he could cope with the sight of me.

The oars were pulling at a breakneck pace by that point. The castle wasn’t even in sight anymore. I tried to get through to the prince that I was in trouble, but my tongue had swollen so badly that it just came out as a garbled mess. Your nephew valiantly took control of the situation by bursting into tears and hiding his face in his hooves.

Well, I needed to get through to him somehow, so I began crawling slowly across the boat, hoping that my mumbling would be more understandable if I was closer. I could barely see at that point and my joints were so inflamed that I was having great difficulty moving. I had to really work to make sure that the flailing oars didn’t brain me, but as I neared the prince, he screamed and jumped overboard. Last I saw of him, he was swimming for all he was worth to the shore. Maybe I should have followed, but my body was so useless that I was afraid that I would drown.

That was two days ago. As I write this, your nephew’s enchanted boat has taken me far out to sea. I last saw land several hours ago, though my sight is still quite blurry. I could be anywhere, really. It’s hard to tell. I’ve begun chewing my last stick of gum in hopes of fooling my stomach into believing that it’s food. That’s what it’s like being a teacher. You end up packing plenty of quills, ink and paper, but nothing to eat. So I’m writing this letter and I’ll be throwing it out in the wine bottle. I hope that it makes it to you somehow. If it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate a search and rescue mission.

But back to friendship. Friendship is the basis for Equestrian society. I’ve taught that to foals for years and years, but I learned an important lesson last Friday: Friendship has its limits. Perhaps a lady never speaks ill of her encounters, but my father was a farmer. If I see your nephew again, I’m going to take a rake to him and show him exactly how un-ladylike a country girl can be!


Fearing for my life,

Cheerilee

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