Epilogue
As soon as the door was closed, Lightning collapsed to her belly with a low moan. Keen unclasped her belt and hopped down, not worrying about the water she was trailing. She pulled off her goggles and knelt by Lightning’s face. “Are you okay?”
Lightning’s moist fringe was plastered to her face. She peered with one eye at the filly. “I’m just tired, kiddo. And cold.”
Keen looked to the window where the rain was pounding against the glass. She couldn’t help shivering.
Lightning gradually climbed to her hooves. “You would know the Everfree picked today to send a storm through Ponyville.”
Keen nodded as she pulled off her coat and scarf. Lightning had her soaked sweater off at the same time, and the two shook off the water in unison. Lightning went to the counter by the refrigerator and pulled open a container. She turned around and displayed some sandwiches.
“Good thing you thought ahead for tonight, Little Bolt.”
They sat at the table and ate the leftovers, both sagging from weariness after the long flight home. Every now and then one of them would shiver against the chill of the moisture still clinging to their coats. The cold bothered Keen, but her hunger outweighed it at the moment.
Once done eating, the two went to have a bath together. Lightning relaxed on her back in the tub and Keen sat on her belly, which gave her enough height to let her shoulder just graze the bottom of the water’s surface. They both indulged in the warm, soapy water.
Keen studied Lightning face. She had a pleased, relaxed smile, her head lolling back against the edge of the tub and her eyes closed. She was also clearly worn out. The filly fidgeted as she thought on the long flight home in the rain. Poor Lightning had to have been miserable. Keen had been.
Keen’s lips worked. The word still seemed odd when used like this… but good, too.
“…m… Mom?”
Lightning shivered, her smile broadening to a grin and her cheeks burning.
“…yeah?”
Keen smiled. “Thanks for taking me to see my parents. I feel a lot better now.”
Lightning raised her head to beam at the filly. “No problem, Little Bolt.” She leaned up, clearly intending to nuzzle Keen, but couldn’t quite reach without tipping the filly over. Keen giggled at Lightning’s exaggerated straining and leaned forward to bump muzzles with her.
“I’m sorry we got caught in a storm on the way back,” Keen added as Lightning dropped back to her leisurely position.
“Meh, not your fault.” Lightning waved in a random direction, her eyes closing once more. “It’s just wild weather.”
Neither of them were eager to leave the warmth of the bath, but Lightning had work in the morning, so she finally made them both step out. They dried off and went to Keen’s room, Lightning lifting the filly to the bed before collapsing on it with another weary groan.
“I am going to be a zombie at work tomorrow,” she muttered with a weak smile. She shifted around so she was properly on the bed, lying on her belly.
Keen giggled… and hesitated. She glanced back at Lightning’s wings. She’d been thinking about it for a long time. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time, but she’d been holding back for a week.
Even so, this was something she really wanted to do. After all, Lightning had been trying so hard all this time to improve and be a good parent. Keen wanted to do something to be nice back and this was the only thing she could think of.
“Um… Mom?”
A small, happy sound escaped Lightning’s throat as she tensed a little. That big grin was on her lips again. “Y-yeah?”
“Can I… can I try something?”
A single eye half-opened to study her. “Sure it can’t wait ‘till morning?”
The filly fidgeted in place and blushed. “I’m supposed to do it right after a bath.”
Lightning sighed, her shoulders rising up in a shrug that was rather awkward for her position. “Sure, why not?”
Keen smiled and walked behind Lightning. She studied one of her wings. Why did she feel so nervous about this? She reached forward and touched Lightning’s flank. “Um… can you hold out your wings?”
Lightning grumbled indecipherably, but the wings stretched out as requested. They rested on the sheets, the tips just barely hanging over the edges of the bed. Keen studied them, noting how all the feathers were crooked or bent. She chewed her lip and closed her eyes, trying to remember what she’d learned. After a few seconds she was certain she had it.
Lightning’s sleepy voice arose from the dark. “Keen? What are you doing back there?”
The filly opened her eyes and examined the feathers a little more closely. She sucked in a small breath, licked her lips… and set her mouth gently on the first crooked feather. As she began adjusting it, she heard Lightning suck in a small breath of air.
“K-Keen?”
Keen didn’t answer. She worked the feather until she felt it was straight and started work on the next one, being certain not to pull or shift them too much. Carefully, she worked her way along the wing.
Lightning’s head rose to look back at her with wide eyes. Her cheeks were practically glowing. “Keen… are you… preening me?”
The filly blushed and sat up straight. She shifted under Lightning gaze and kept her head low. “Do you… do you want me to stop?”
Lightning shook her head, her eyes not leaving Keen’s. “No. It’s just… where did you learn to do that?”
Keen offered a smile. “I asked Fluttershy to show me.”
“Oh.” Lightning’s face grew an extra shade of red and her smile went lopsided. “I see. Um… yeah… d-don’t stop. I like it.”
Keen beamed and nodded before going back to work. Lighting lay her head back down and gave a deep sigh. Every now and again she would flinch a little, making Keen think she’d tugged a little too hard, but Lightning never spoke up.
Lightning shifted, a tiny moan escaping her lips as Keen reached the end of her wing. “I didn’t know preening could feel so good…”
A wave of pleasure filled Keen at that. Glad to know she was doing well, she finished the last few feathers and stepped back to observe her work. Lightning’s feathers on that wing were all nice and straight. Keen had to stare for a few seconds; she’d never realized how pretty Lightning’s wings could be.
One down…
She worked on the other wing. It went a little quicker this time now that she’d had some practice. She listened carefully to Lightning, hoping to gauge her work by what she said and did, but Lightning was silent.
The wing was finished, and Keen smiled as she sat back to examine the feathers. It felt good, knowing that she was finally able to do something for Lightning.
She covered her yawn and stretched. “Did you like it?”
No answer. Keen tilted her head and stepped sideways to get a better look.
Lightning had fallen asleep, her lips set in a contented smile and her back rising in a slow, deep rhythm. Keen smiled at the sight, feeling incredibly good about herself.
She eyed the wing, realizing she’d never get to the pillow by Lightning’s head without stepping over it. She tilted her head and began to look about for an alternative… and spotted something she didn’t notice very often. She moved closer to Lightning, her eyes set on the small mark in her side. It was usually concealed by a wing…
Keen reached out to touch the scar. She could feel the uneven ridge beneath the coat. She closed her eyes and shivered, remember that scary night the two of them shared. But the moment of fear faded quickly as her mind shifted forward through everything they’d been through together since then. She still remembered how they met, the way Lightning had been so confident and loud.
She understood it now. Lightning had been roaring so nopony would know how scared she was.
The thought made Keen smile.
She dropped to her belly and burrowed under Lightning’s wing. She went in until her head emerged from under the opposite side, then snuggled tight against her new mother’s warm body. She sighed pleasantly, thinking about all that had happened in the recent days, the good and the bad.
There was so much happiness in her. For the first time since that terrible storm, Keen felt… connected. She’d forgotten what that was like.
She never wanted to forget again.
She settled herself down for sleep, delighting in Lightning’s warmth.
“Sweet dreams, Mom.
“…I love you.”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PaulAsaran · 93k words · 120 1 · 2.1k views
- PaulAsaran · 104k words · 113 4 · 1.9k views
- PaulAsaran · 73k words · 133 5 · 1.8k views
- PaulAsaran · 124k words · 115 5 · 2.1k views
- PaulAsaran · 72k words · 172 5 · 3.2k views
- PaulAsaran · 174k words · 61 3 · 1.6k views
- PaulAsaran · 20k words · 118 4 · 1.8k views
- PaulAsaran · 122k words · 39 2 · 905 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.326 seconds
Total duration
1,017 users online
2,183,213 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, I already posted a comment on the last chapter, but I think that I should give a comment to wrap up:
Sir, I do believe that you have done Lightning Dust the proper justice that she deserves through the course of this story, as well as No Heroes. It is a side of Lightning Dust that I believe should be explored more often, as it shows her in a very good-hearted, grudgeless light that really makes her shine. The characterization all throughout this story has been top-notch, being some of the very best that I have ever seen anywhere in a fiction, not just on FiMFiction, but anywhere where fanfiction is common. I thought that every scene between Lightning and Keen Arrow was absolutely delightful, not just to read their struggles to become closer as a family, but to read the perfection of intricacies that you have included to give the scenes really nice pops. This is definitely in my top three (alongside a New Home by APoeticHeart and Maternal Instincts by Magic Man), and I appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule to write a masterpiece such as this. The pacing was really good, with only a couple instances where I think it went a tad too slowly for my tastes, and your grammar skill is also very good (with the help of your gracious editors).
I sincerely hope that you make a sequel to this wonderful story. Keen Arrow and Lightning Dust forever!
Oh, and you have my follow.
~Sonik
4721667 Yeah. I wasn't sure whether to go back and read the first two books, read this, and then finish the other two, or to read the entire series and then come back to read this, so I ended up doing the latter.
4721709
And I appreciate you taking the time to comment. It's always better to be told what I'm doing right (and wrong) instead of just seeing an up/downvote. I hope the rest of No Heroes meets with your approval, and that any future stories I provide will make your follow worth it.
I do have some ideas for other Lightning and/or Keen stories. The trick is that they mostly require some other No Heroes content to happen first, because I hate plot holes and writing any LD material first just invites them. I might have a short story in mind that I could get to, though. But first, I have to finish one of my two new projects.
Sometimes I hate having dozens of concepts vying for my attention.
Wow, I gotta say, this was a great fic from start to finish. Obviously, it's not flawless, though most of said flaws were of the spelling or grammar varieties and had nothing to do with the wonderful story being told. This was a nice look at LD and seeing her develop into a better, more caring parent was heartwarming.
4721794
Glad you enjoyed it! I wish more people would give it a chance.
4721837
This is kind of the same thing I said last time but maybe you could try one of the groups on here that showcase underrated fics. Not to say that you have to, of course.
4721763 How long is it from the end of this story to the end of No Heroes?
4721885
About 180,000 words, if that's what you mean. Actually, the majority of Book III has taken place at the same time as the latter 1/3 of Lightning's bolt, unless I'm mistaken. But still, Lightning's almost totally unaware of what's going on in Book III so it's not like I spoiled anything.
4721851
I suppose it's worth a shot. I aim to submit this to Twilight's Library when it opens up sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. Maybe I'll go ahead and throw in a few others while I'm at it.
4721910
Good luck! Just don't forget their rule about sequels, which has screwed over many a submission. I should know, I went through their whole rejections thread once to see why fics were rejected.
4721933
Well this is a side story, not a sequel, and is capable of standing alone. Hopefully they'll notice that (considering I pretty may say so in the first chapter's Author's Notes).
4721910 I was actually talking about time, not words. How much time is it from the end of this to the end of No Heroes?
4721942
I can't really say. Not because of spoilers or anything like that, but because I intentionally never specify a time difference between books III an IV. I would assume it's not long, but it could be a couple months. I wanted to leave the possibilities open in case I decided to squeeze some more material in there with a side story.
I can say that the content of Book III ends a few week after Lightning's Bolt (Fine's last appearance in LB is the indicator), and Book IV takes place over a span of only a few days, maybe just 4 (Book IV is very fast-paced).
4721972 I see.
4721940 then it sounds like you're good. I hope it gets in.
I really enjoyed this and I won't even lie... I cried at chapter 20
4750076
Glad you enjoyed it! And yeah... I cried a good bit while writing it.
I'm going to be honest, my heart has changed from reading this story, it's so perfectly illustrated in words the true hardships of Lightning and Keen; furthermore, I really felt the emotion, just...
Thank you. <3
4807735
It was my pleasure, and I really mean that. This story was a joy to write.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
4835442
Su-weet!
4807467
I find your annoyance with Ani to be amusing. But Keen really is adorable, isn't she? I love writing her.
What a great ending. The epilogue was meaningful and it was great to tie everything back to the first time Keen ever met Lightning. And it seems you have always been good with last lines. Definitely a favorite! Now I can get on with No Heroes.
4867642
Funny you say that, as I'm never 100% happy with my endings. There are some exceptions – Twilight's Inferno comes to mind – but usually I look at my endings and feel I could have done better.
Regardless, I'm pleased you enjoyed this story so much! I wish it earned a lot more attention than it did; poor Lightning deserves more recognition, methinks.
Hello, good sir, this is ChromeMyriad here with your review from WRITE. For those about to read the review, beware of SPOILERS!
This story was…a rollercoaster. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. There were times where I was bored out of my skull just waiting for the chapter to be over and others where the drama got so heart-wrenching it moved me to tears.
There are many, many problems with this story, most of which can be attributed to tying it in with other stories. Going off of this tale alone, the others seem to be driven by action or adventure while this one is driven by character and drama. That could be completely off-base, but it’s the impression I was given nonetheless.
Well, there’s much that needs to be said, so let’s dive right in.
Showing, Telling and the Importance of Colorful Prose
Ah, telling, so we meet again.
It seems apparent to me that the difference between showing and telling needs to be laid out here. I say this because most of the story is full of summarization. No, I don’t mean when it tries to summarize other stories, though that does happen. Allow me to explain:
Showing is when an author fully describes something with the intent of having the reader feel an emotion. In fiction writing, the whole point of creating a story is to make the audience feel a certain way. The author wants the reader to feel the characters’ emotions and take part in their struggles. This is why you, as the storyteller, want to be ‘showing’ almost all the time.
Telling is when an author foregoes descriptive language and emotional immersion to quickly dispense information. There’s an inherent risk to telling in a story because throwing information at the reader causes them to quickly lose interest.
Lightning’s Bolt has both showing and telling in it, so I’m going to pull some examples of each straight from the story to illustrate what I mean.
These are some examples of telling:
This is obvious telling of the sort authors must sometimes use to quickly deliver relevant information. Here, we summarize what Fine Crime is to Lightning Dust. It’s a bit awkward to place in the story and even raises a question the story doesn’t intend to answer, but it’s not the kind of telling that proves most damaging.
These quotes are all examples of a more subtle and far more crippling form of telling. Here, we’re being told how the characters feel. Allow me to contrast them with some examples of showing:
Here, we understand what Lightning is feeling and how she looks because of story context and dialogue clues. The ‘telling’ version of this passage might be something like, “Lightning gave him a quizzical look.”
Here, we clearly get the message that Keen ran away—this entire scene could have been condensed into just those three words if one were to summarize the story. However, since the story takes the time to describe Lightning’s actions and her body language, the audience is able to build up a genuine feeling of suspense. The reader is readily able to empathize with Lightning’s rising panic.
Here, we have a bit of a mix. Describing Lightning’s body language is showing what’s happening and helps identify her emotions, but the word ‘horrible’ is telling. Horrible how?
Since this description isn’t specific, the reader can’t immediately identify with what it means and usually skips over it to continue with the story. Let’s say that, instead, we used the adjective ‘choked’:
This small change calls to mind a very specific sound associated with terror, panic and helplessness. It makes identifying with her emotions that much easier. Moreover, the reader won’t be tempted to stop and try imagining what a ‘horrible whimpering sound’ is like, allowing them to move on to the rest of the story.
The importance of showing can’t be overstated. Many of the places where Keen’s emotions get development feel stale and unimmersive because the story just says she’s ‘sad’ or ‘afraid’ rather than describing what she’s going through. It’s one of the things that could really help the pacing—which I’ll address more thoroughly later—since many of the scenes where she’s afraid of other children and thinking they might be monsters could be far stronger if simply fleshed out a bit more.
Recognizing telling is fairly easy once you know what to look for. Keep in mind how many adjectives and adverbs you use. Most things don’t actually need to be modified because their meaning is obvious in the context of the story. For example, I used ‘choked’ above instead of ‘horrible’, but ‘whimper’ doesn’t need any modifier at all. It’s already a sound associated with pain and fear. Since 'horrible' isn’t needed, it could be discarded without losing anything at all.
Telling on a larger scale is harder to find, but still worth looking for. At the conclusion of each scene, it’s important to go back through and ask yourself if what you have will make the reader feel how you want them to feel. Prereaders and editors really help with this, so ask them often how a scene or section made them feel to make sure you’re communicating it clearly.
Characters and Those Who are Along for the Ride
Our primary characters are, of course, Keen Arrow and her surrogate mother, Lightning Dust. I’d list Rainbow Dash and Fine Crime as secondary characters and most others as tertiary characters in terms of their impact on the main two.
And boy, does this fic have a lot of characters.
I’ve scarcely seen this many side characters in a fic, and that’s not really a good thing. Sure, having a diverse cast is important and if you can maintain interest in about five characters in a fic this size, then great. This tale tries to keep at least a passing interest in some sixteen or so different ponies and, for the most part, gets dragged down because of it.
First, let’s mention the Support Six. Lightning Dust is, of course, essential to the plot and Fine Crime has something of an impact, but most of the other characterized background ponies and OCs just felt like baggage. Octavia’s and Upper Crust’s roles in the story could have easily been absorbed into Fluttershy’s. Nye and his brother—I honestly can’t remember his name—barely existed for all the exposure they got. The subplot with them being Luna’s special task force goes nowhere as well.
The overall result is that these characters felt like they were forced into a story where they didn’t belong. I understand the desire to tie all of the books together, but if none of the characters are going to play a memorable part in Keen’s development, they only serve to drag the story on and confuse the reader.
Having so many characters means the author doesn’t have as much time to spend on each one. This affects every character in the story to some degree. After finishing the story, the only ones I had a feel for were Keen and Lightning. It’s good that the main characters had such a strong presence, but that leaves over a dozen ponies with too little time or too weak a role to leave an impression.
Fine Crime felt bland. For all of his speeches about fear and his claims of monster-slaying, we never actually see him doing anything other than talking and smoking out. He shows fear once or twice during his visits to Keen’s bedroom late at night, but only gets an emotional scene near the end when Keen runs away. He gives Keen some good advice, but his impact isn’t proportional to the legendary amount of wordspace devoted to his little get-togethers with Keen.
I ought to mention Green and his group, I suppose. Green himself plays a small part with getting Keen to come out of her shell, but I feel like he lacked identity. Not enough time is devoted to him or the other three to really get to know them. As a result, the whole group falls flat.
I also have a few qualms with some of the Mane Six.
Fluttershy seems off. She isn’t usually critical of ponies because she doesn’t want confrontation, but she kept having these cynical little asides about how difficult the kids were being when Green’s group met Keen for the first time.
Rainbow Dash is very thoughtful and knowledgeable where it concerns Keen and foals in general. I’m not sure if maybe she’s established as having the desire to raise a kid in another book, but having the brash, usually oblivious Rainbow Dash suddenly start gushing about childcare and budgeting comes across as just...weird.
Pinkie Pie seems unable to understand anything outside of partying. She comes across as stupid when she doesn’t grasp the urgency of Celestia’s call and instead suggests that everypony must be there for a party.
Let’s talk about Keen. While well-characterized, she’s hard to relate to in the beginning of the story. We’re told she went through a traumatic event, but the audience never actually sees it, so she comes across as weak. Readers can’t root for a weak protagonist, no matter how disadvantaged they are. I say ‘beginning’, but the beginning seems to last two-thirds of the story. Her sorrow and the reasons behind it are established over and over and over again without significant change right up until Fine tells her to face her fear in chapter fourteen. Once he tells her that, the drama between the characters starts to get immersive and even tearjerking, but all of the time before that feels like a holding pattern.
Lightning Dust was the one character I didn’t really have any problems with. She was well-characterized even in line with canon. She evolved during the story. She brought an interesting dynamic to a cast of characters that otherwise lacked strong identities.
The telling during emotional scenes hurts the characterization, particularly for Keen. It’s difficult for a reader to feel her emotions when we’re just being told she’s sad, which happens far too often early-on. This isn’t so much a problem later in the story.
Another thing that affected most of the characters was how well they all got along. Conflict drives the story and creates interest, but even the shadowy Fine Crime gets along swimmingly with everypony. The introduction of all these new faces wouldn’t feel like such a chore to remember if they argued and had staunch opinions like the main characters do. In that respect, Lightning Dust really pulls this fic out of the fire. Almost all of the conflict generated in this story starts with her.
Pace Fast or Pace Slow? Yes.
The pacing of scenes ought to be different depending on the effect you want. Action and humor should be paced quickly. Sad or suspenseful scenes should be paced slowly. Scenes that introduce new characters or concepts should stay just long enough to do so before moving on.
The individual scene pacing seemed decent, but other factors got in their way. Emotional scenes lasted a long time, but the telling tended to kill most of the emotion in them. Funny scenes and jokes were paced quickly, but sometimes the same joke was used more than once in succession. The most perplexing bit of pacing, though, was the choice to repeat a scene we’d already had.
The repeated scene begins with the opening of chapter sixteen and continues through every previously-established emotion and bit of dialogue. How Keen feels had already been firmly established by this time. No important information or development was gleaned from it that we hadn’t understood before.
I said above that the first two-thirds of the story feels like the beginning, right? Well, that’s due to the fact that the story is still trying to establish things by chapter fourteen. A lot of time could be saved by making the story its own piece rather than trying to connect it to other tales. Whole subplots—whole chapters, even—could be cut right out and the story would be stronger for their removal. Most of the characters appropriated from other books don’t add anything of significance and only serve to drag out the time between our main characters developing and learning things about each other.
Having said that, the story gets infinitely better once we’re done establishing things. The pacing of the emotions, revelations and difficulties melds easily with the development of the characters. The story even managed to surprise me with the whole runaway thing. Basically, everything up to chapter fourteen is eye-gougingly slow and everything after that is great.
Miscellaneous Mentions
Okay, so, there are a few things I feel the need to mention before I close out. The first is preening. Preening is established as a sexual act both in fanon and in this story itself:
Having established this, what exactly was up with the epilogue? The implication of preening coupled with Lightning Dust moaning and falling asleep seems a bit suspect. I mention this because I’m pretty sure it was meant to be a heartfelt scene and it comes across as kind of creepy.
The second thing is Spitfire’s apparent difficulty with writing. Being able to write a professional letter is expected of anyone in a leadership position, particularly the captain of what is practically a branch of the military. It seems unlikely that she would have this issue unless she’s dyslexic or somesuch.
Third, Lightning Dust’s injury. Sometimes it inhibits her, such as during the cold front. Other times it has no apparent effect on her flying whatsoever, such as when she was flying with Soarin. A debilitating injury is usually given to a character specifically to make their circumstances more tragic. That doesn’t work when the injury in question only affects them some of the time. If redemption is the goal, why give her an injury at all? Her attitude is more than enough obstacle to her getting into the Wonderbolts.
Conclusion
This fic has serious issues, mainly with telling. Its intersection with other books proves a hindrance in many areas as well. Despite these issues, when the fic works, it really works. Lightning’s interaction with Keen in the later chapters is both sad and heartwarming. Traveling to Keen’s old home brings the story to a firm close.
Improvement
The telling is the bulk of the beast here. So many emotional moments get ruined early on due to the lack of descriptive language. When it comes to emotion during dialogue, fewer modifiers is usually the way to go. The dialogue itself is usually best for communicating emotion. Body language and other indicators are important too, but best used for emphasis rather than the mainstay for communication.
There are a few instances where the telling and crossover material coincide in a particularly egregious fashion. At one point in the story, we are told that Fine Crime once saved Fluttershy from a sea serpent. For much of the following tea party, I was thinking how much I would rather be seeing Fine fight a sea serpent. The story as it is could definitely do with some pruning of crossover material. Fewer characters from the original series with more impact in Lightning’s Bolt would probably work like a charm to fix the slow beginning pace and short development issues.
Enjoy your review! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me or reply to this comment.
~ChromeMyriad, WRITE’s Nanite Construct
4960068
Ah, show vs. tell, my arch nemesis. So right in so many ways, so horribly wrong in just as many. I find it interesting that you jump me for the small descriptions, especially since in a story this long it's impossible to keep showing, showing, showing, showing, showing, showing, showing, showing and not just end up repeating the same phrases and lines over and over and over and over and over and over and over and you get the idea.
The importance of showing can be overstated. It's a valuable tool that should be utilized to the fullest extent, but overuse turns a story stale as readers get tired of seeing the same things being said every time the same emotions pop up (I know I do). Mixing in a little telly narration every now and then helps to alleviate this tedium, provided its done at the right times.
All that said, I fully acknowledge that my balance was probably off at all the wrong times. Just one more thing I'll need to pay more attention to. Suffice to say, this is a topic I've had people trying to hammer into my head ever since people first vomited the concept all over accepted literature. It's a slow thing, but I am learning how to abandon old, appropriate practices for new, progressive ones like being showy (and if that makes me sound old and crotchety, it's 'cause I am).
I don't recall ever writing Fluttershy in a 'cynical' fashion. I'll have to take another look at this, but the complaint completely blew past me.
Rainbow Dash I knew was in a tricky spot, because I was intentionally utilizing her as being more mature than in the show, under the assumption that a few years of activity would have made her more mature and responsible. Unfortunately, Season 4 (which would be around the point when this story takes place, despite not being canon to the story) blows up that view by showing Rainbow as perpetually 12 years old, so that's the concept everyone expects to see.
Has Pinkie ever taken anything seriously at first? I mean, really? Unless it's stated outright and made clear that something bad's happened, she never stops being cheerful (and sometimes she stays cheerful even when the shit's hitting the fan). I guarantee you that a Celestia summons wouldn't hamper her spirits one iota.
I fully acknowledge that Keen's development was far too slow.
As for the overabundance of characters... yes, that was wholly a symptom of this being a side-story and needing to link it to the main event. While I can't imagine doing away with Upper Crust (and that makes Octavia cameos at least obligatory), the twins Nye and Jimmy probably could have been done without. Green I also see as a necessity due to how he helped Keen out of her slump, but all his friends could perhaps have been dealt with early and never brought up again. The only other character I feel really had to stay was Airheart, who was also helpful to Lightning's growth. Oh, and maybe Twilight, but only as a cameo to show how Keen's learning magic.
Can't really say much about pacing, since I more or less agree on all counts.
You blatantly misinterpreted that quote about preening. It wasn't saying that preening was itself a sexual act, it was meant to imply that pegasi preen to make their feathers neater and, thus, more attractive. I equate it to an earth pony wearing makeup. The result might be considered sexual in a certain sense, but the act itself was not intended to be interpreted that way.
I recognize that mass fanon tends to think of preening as sexual. Mass fanon tends to do a lot of dumb things, and I often do things in direct opposition to it. I suppose this is an example where telling would have been better than showing.
There is absolutely no reason to believe that a race that writes with their mouths (unicorns excepted) would take a big emphasis on literary skills. I always saw literature as largely a unicorn thing, with exceptions for those who make a sustained effort. Still, I knew that this was going to be an issue for a lot of people. Heck, my editors debated with one another for a good long time on the topic. I decided to bite the bullet, knowing that people like you would take offense.
If you paid attention, you would notice that Lightning mentions that she wasn't able to keep up with Soarin at all. He mentions it, too. There was no point in time when I neglected her injury, that's a guarantee.
Your sea serpent comment amuses me. This was actually a hindrance of linking to the main story, as it was actually Fluttershy who saved Fine from his terrors, but neither of them wanted Keen to know what was going on. This is one of the first times that Fine's tendency to lie actually bit me in the butt.
So, aside from me using telly statements too much (which I'm minimizing here just because we made such a big deal of it earlier), my big problem with this story is that I actually went overboard linking it to the main No Heroes series. On the one hand, it's a lesson learned: too many links causes problems. On the other, it's extremely annoying, as I've been intentionally designing these stories to be a tightly interwoven franchise and destroying all the links makes that much, much harder. I can think of several scenes that I'd have to remove to meet this standard that were designed to provide significant insight into a side-characters' actions in the main story.
Take Upper Crust, whose overcoming of her personal issues thanks to Keen is directly tied to her character growth in No Heroes, or when Keen talks to Octavia about her sister, which is directly linked to the fact that Octavia does, in fact, reconnect with her sister in No Heroes. The connection with Green and his friends is important too for another expansion I had planned that would heavily involve Keen's relationship with them.
But now I'm being told that all this world-building that I value so highly needs to be removed to make the story stand apart. I get it, the linkage is overdone. I don't like it, but I get it. I'll just have to find some way to temper my links in future stories – hard as that's going to be – and ignore all the best potential integration tools. So now I face a serious conundrum: write the stories without these important links and have them stand alone, or go along with the interlinking actions and try to keep them from making the story stale and sluggish in the process. Not easy in either case.
Also, I'm going to have to expand my vocabulary by leaps and bounds if I'm going to stick to show without getting into tedious repetition in these 100k+ stories I love to write.
Last thing I note is that no matter how frequently or infrequently utilize body language and descriptors around dialogue, half the people throw a fit and another half do not. I keep getting mixed messages with this subject – every other review regarding it tells me the opposite direction is the right one, and every time I try to change it one way or another I get burned by the opposite side of the argument. It's getting to the point where I think I should just pick a style I'm comfortable with and accept that half the (knowledgeable) readers aren't going to approve.
Despite my rather combative stance in some instances (my editors get headaches over that kind of thing), you've given me a lot to think about. We shall see how much I've learned from this as I continue my work. I thank you for the in-depth review and hope it brings my writing forward a bit more.
4960366
Well, personally, I've found there are far more ways to imply something through showing than state them through telling. If repetition is your worry, you might want to search for 'sag', 'sad' and 'afraid'. I caught quite a few of those throughout the story.
Yeah, the Fluttershy bit might've been uncalled for. It was really only a couple of lines that made her seem condescending.
Pinkie's issue here isn't that she doesn't take things seriously, it's that she's a ditz. It's like she can't understand what's going on unless she can somehow make it about partying or friends.
Your intentions on preening don't really come across here. Maybe in other stories you establish it as a more aesthetic thing, but the vague implication I quoted along with the soft moaning, the blushes, the "That feels so good!" coming from LD all give it a very incestuous vibe. I think the impression could be easily done away with if LD does a little explaining to Keen earlier about what preening is to pegasi.
Except that they do. They have libraries full of books, communicate by written word all the time and have lessons about it from their early grade-school years. Rainbow took tests with pencil and Cheerilee grades—and I assume creates—tests and papers when she teaches. It's a consistent aspect of their everyday lives. Furthermore, as I stated, Spitfire is the leader of a group that lauds competence and professionalism. It's simply an unlikely trait for her to have.
Well, actually, I was paying attention, and I thought that her injury's hindrance was severely lessened by the fact that she was 'still one of the best fliers in Equestria'. It seems to defeat the purpose of having it when she can still do basically all the things she could before.
I actually thought the sea serpent thing was weird to mention in the first place. Nobody was really talking about seas or serpents. If they don't want Keen to know about it, why bring it up at all?
Well, as far as world-building goes, I only have this one story to go on. The characters don't do much for me, but if you're writing for an audience that's read your other works, the nostalgia factor could be doing wonders. I think some of them really didn't play much of a part, but weigh that criticism with how valuable that interconnectivity is to you and your readers.
I'm glad the review helped shed light on some possible issues. Sorry again for how long it took me to complete.
That's a sweeping conclusion for her only having two or three lines in that scene, especially when you take it into context with her scene on the train. But I'll readily admit that I'm terrible at writing Pinkie. Her randomness and humor are anathema to my serious literary style, so finding ways to write her in properly is... challenging.
I always thought of preening as feeling like a nice massage, and since Lightning hardly ever does it I figured it would feel exceptionally good. But you're right, in the end I never really explained this (and this story is actually the very first time I've brought it up).
Alright, I suppose I'll bite on the Spitfire argument. My editors are already rubbing it in after you jumped me on it. I still don't actually agree with the argument, but for the sake of getting people to get off my back...
I suppose I can understand your view regarding Lightning's wound, although I think you're looking too deep into it. Maybe I should have had Soarin suggest LD go into the reserves instead of trying for the main squadron, though I doubt you'd find that an acceptable solution. But if this is the only slip up I made, I'm rather pleased with myself.
It's in Fine's nature to fudge the truth rather than avoid it entirely, because misleading ponies is entertaining for him. It was meant to be taken humorously, not like he was giving a historical account. Look good, don't reveal anything, satisfy the kid, share a wink with those in the know. This isn't unnatural behavior by any means (my Dad was very good at it). Perhaps if you knew what was going on in the background, but that's the 'stand-alone' issue we've been fighting with.
Come to think of it, perhaps I never should have advertised this story as 'stand alone' in light of how much interconnectivity I did. I was definitely writing with my previous readers in mind for the first half of the story, providing cameos and on-the-side character building that only had a minimal effect on the main LB story. So I guess that's my fault for misleading you.
I don't mind that it took so long. To be honest, I'm just glad to have someone who knows what he's doing give me a proper, in depth review. Finding strong criticism is not as easy as one might like.
4962062
Eeehhh, I dunno. I'm tempted to be charitable since we don't see much of Pinkie and maybe there's more to her elsewhere, but at the same time she did rub me the wrong way here.
I mean, I'm not trying to bully into doing it my way. I'm saying these are things that need more justification or explanation. Anything can be valid with enough establishment. Just explain things the way you see them a little earlier-on and have the Spitfire thing be a callback to that aspect of pony society. It just kinda comes out of nowhere with Spitfire's letter like it's something that's firmly established.
I think Soarin telling LD she's good enough for the reserves, but maybe not the 'Bolts would be a perfect way to show that her injury is having a noticeable effect on her abilities. The reserves are already established as being a big step up from weather duty, so you can keep both the uplifting news and the injury relevance.
Well, for the record, I was never actually confused about what was going on. So, there's that.
Yeah, part of being critical of someone else's work is interpreting how it is rather than how it's meant to be. Readers often fill in any holes, inconsistencies or awkward moments with assumptions or their own imaginings in favor of bringing the story together. It's part of human pattern-seeking behavior, so we do it without even noticing. Moving away from that charitable stance is hard, and kinda ruins a lot of stories, so I can see why some people wouldn't want to do it.
I just marathoned read this in four hours. I couldn't put it down. I just kept thinking from the description was a ball of fluff when she was all wrapped up in her tail and mane. Lightning has issues, nice to see her working her way through them. And the story Fine Crime tells a runaway Keen was heartbreaking. Just want to say that it brought a manly tear to my eye. And that's all I will admit too dammit! Very good story, kind of hope you do something with these two again in the future.
5292823
You read 120k words in four hours? Geebus, man, that's awesome.
Also: there's nothing wrong with liquid pride. You should have seen me while I was writing it! Buckets and buckets of tears.
5359638
Well, she's starting to accept the responsibility and changing what's most important.
That was nice for a break. Back to no heroes.
Sorry if the following does not make sense... I am tired... Mostly it is me rambling random praises at you...
A happy chapter, I must be dreaming... Anyways all in all I loved the story.
There were acouple of things that were off to me though.
1. Keen, for some reason just the way keen acted felt off to me... Sorry for the lack of details, but It's more of a feeling thingy... I am making even less sense now... I am weird about these things.
2. Fine's breakdown seemed odd for him. I mean I can see him relating to Keen, but him breaking down into tears kinda threw me off. He struck me more as the sort to get misty eyed at most during something like this.
It's almost two am and so while my mind is still working, it is not necessarrily working if you know what I mean. So yeah.
So for praises.
You sir have a gift. You are a truly brilliant writer that does not get half the attention you deserve. Hell some published stories I have read are of a lower quality than your writing. You were able to write the whole thing in a way the allowed me to visualize it, without letting the whole thing drag on longer than needed. Though in my opinion, there can never be enough detail, hence why Robert Jordan stands as my all time favorite author. You are great at building towards scenes thousands of words in the future allowing the planned scene to have a desired effect. You aknowledge your faults, and even point them out half of the time in your notes and stuff. I also love the way you are able to tie everything together. In this stories case, you were able to take scenes from another one of your stories, and retell them from another characters perspective almost flawlessly.
So yeah I need to sleep... I would ask that you forgive my poor grammar as I am not even sure that I would classify as being awake right now... So if you take anything from this, just know that you are quite possibly one of my favorite authors of all time. By saying this I mean that in my eyes you rank up there with Robert Jordan. George R.R Martin, and Tolkein...
Anyways night.
/me passes out.
5400138
No no, it made perfect sense. And as you may have noted form my notes, I was a sobbing mess myself. and yes, I do enjoying toying with my readers emotions. The fact that I can do so is one of the things I consider a mark of success.
5400188
I know exactly what the problem with Keen is: she acts too adult for her age. It's an issue I struggled with, and one I steadily got better at working as the story went on but never really fixed. I'm much more aware of the need to understand childish dialogue now, but it's too late to fix it for this story.
I disagree in regards to Fine. He might do the misty-eyed thing for most scenarios, but this is one that is very close to his heart. He knows exactly what kind of future awaits her, because it's his past. So in this instance, a bit of a breakdown is appropriate.
Robert Jordan? That guy drowns you in detail at the expense of the story! I swear his books could have been a third shorter if not for his need to detail every nook and cranny of every room, person, shirt, pair of pants and piece of lint. He might have finished the books before he died, too.
Holy crapola, that's some high praise! I thank you for your words, my morning is already made. I hardly think I belong on the same shelf as George R.R. Martin, but I won't disagree with rubbing shoulders with him.
Well I've been slowly chiping away at this one for a week or two, it's been a good ride. Now I'm going to read no heroes three.
Phew, marathon reading is fun, especially when all the stories are related. I wish I'd have kept track of when I started reading this fic, but I think I knocked it out in 5 or so hours. I'll admit, I'll be kind of sad moving away from LD and Keen and back to the main story.
I wish I could offer some sort of insightful comment, like some of your other readers, but I'm nowhere near smart enough for that. Not with literature, at least.
I can, however, tell you that I absolutely loved this. It's been awhile since I've been absolutely enthralled with a fiction, or any story at all.
5506312
Hey, I'll take any comments I can get. Five hours, huh? I'm thrilled you thought it was so good. This is a story that got a disappointingly low amount of views for the work put into it, largely because it stars the generally unliked Lightning Dust. As such, it's always great when somebody out there discovers it. Thanks for the commenting and please keep it up!
I totally read my way from Reddux the Tyrant, through No Heroes, just to get to this story while understanding the background of the story, and honestly I'm glad I did. This story was great, No Heroes is great, and you mister Author sir, are great. Everything is just great.
I have been working my way through your work for the past week or two (quite feverishly in fact), but let me pause here to say, thank you for this story. It is one of the precious few, out of everything I have read, that has made me genuinely sad to see the 'completed' tag.
-RVK
6532857
Glad to hear it. This is one of my personal favorites, too.
6538365 There is one point that has had me confused, though. I got introduced to you through "Book of Shadows" and so, hopping back and forth between that, when it updates, and the "No Heroes" series. Is there continuity between these stories, or is one an alternate universe to the other, using the same characters? Regardless, both are fantastic examples of your exemplary storytelling ability.
6539783
Note to self: get back to working on that timeline. Also, blog about it.
Okay, so the explanation is a bit complicated and confuses pretty much anyone who isn't me unless it's laid down plainly. In time I'm going to have a completed timeline showing how everything interconnects, because it does indeed interconnect. I have multiple alternate universes, but there's one big one that is the target of most of my stories.
The primary universe is the No Heroes universe – it can be considered the main series. However, the No Heroes universe is divided into three different timelines: No Heroes, Trixie vs. Equestria and the Fleur-Verse. You can follow canon by noting what stories are canon to what universes.
No Heroes stories include: The No Heroes main series, Lightning's Bolt, Reddux the Tyrant, Shadow Pony, and No Heroes: Beyond the Everfree. This unvierse has no planned ending and will continue for as long as I have ideas for it.
Trixie vs. Equestria stories include: Trixie vs. Equestria, Twilight's Inferno, and Order of Shadows. This universe has a planned ending and will include ten books overall.
Fleur-Verse stories include: Books I and II of the No Heroes series, Lightning's Bolt, Reddux the Tyrant, Shadow Pony, The Weed, The Challenge of Fleur, A Challenge for Fleur, Ordinary World, and the Sweet to Eat short story within Sweet to Eat: Tales of Nightmare Night. Like the No Heroes universe, I have no finite plans for this universe; it expands whenever I get a new idea for it.
All other stories are either within the setting of the show or, more likely, in their own little universes unrelated to one another.
6540746 Awesome. Thanks!
Well.
Full disclosure, I started reading this more for completeness's sake than for anything else- after the cataclysmic finale of the main series, going back and filling in the gaps of this one particular arc didn't seem pressing. But wow! This may be relatively low stakes- the lower deck episode's lower deck episode- but you manage to highlight how, for the ones involved, it can be the most important thing in the world. These chapters went down as easily as a Minuette Special (sans gorging after effects), as I longed for these two to truly connect. And it was well worth the journey!
Keen's crippling fear- coupled with that ongoing misunderstanding with Upper Crust- felt like it dragged on quite a bit, but that's probably not fair of me; an experience like that would take a long time and effort to get past, and kids (and others!) get mixed up and do irrational stuff. Just doesn't make for the easiest read, tempered only by the knowledge that it ends up all right.
Well I'm glad I read this, definitely a lot of important character development for Lightning on top of it just being a good story in its own right. Prior to the No Heros books I did not like (or even really consider) Lightning at all, and even then I was more or less indifferent, but this made me actually like her. its been a really long time since I've seen her episode of the show, but I remember not liking her or the episode itself much then either.
I don't like the phrase "everyone's the hero of their own story" because I don't think it's true, sometimes people are their own worst enemies. Lightning has a lot of problems and they are all her fault for the most part, she is effectively both the protagonist and antagonist at the same time, both creating and trying to solve her own problems. so does that make her a hero or a villain? Maybe both.
Anyways It took me a few days to read the last 2 chapters of this since the holiday ended, which is a pretty clear indication to me that I'll be taking things much slower now, but that's fine. I'll be moving on to book 3 when the mood strikes me.
The lightning Dust in the photo seems to be missing some hind legs
Finally revisited this story, and definitely still deserves the slot at my #1 favorite fic I've ever read. Took me a good two and a half hours to re-read the entire thing, but I do absolutely love stories like this. Fics that take place in an established world that I'm both familiar and fond of, but branch out to cover something either wholly unrelated or at least on the side compared to the main story. On top of that, it's not some world-ending or world-saving event. It's a character dealing with trauma and trying to get by in a way that I can relate to.
It's like I just read the Far Harbor DLC, which I enjoyed more than the main story of FO4.
Also you reminded me of the growing "biological clock" feeling I've been getting rather well, so thanks for making me feel old.
Rambling aside, love the story. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I can't wait for more. <3
9226105
Huh. Last time I played FO4 I stopped just as I was getting ready to try Far Harbor. I guess I know what I won't be skipping on the play-through I started less than a week ago.
Anyway, glad to see the story still reverberates. In truth, I came back here myself early in the week for nostalgia purposes and, even recognizing the story's issues, I couldn't help but cry at the end. No less than I did while writing it, actually. I always forget how much I love this story. It's refreshing to know others get just as much out of it as I do.
9226428
Far Harbor definitely left me with a sense of melancholy. Especially for a couple of the side quest characters.
Dude, stop it! I'm in public and you're making me cry!
This story was lovely.