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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot6,645 words
Situation Normal2,340 words
Hostile Contact3,134 words

Situation Normal

I wondered what was going on inside his head. Was the old Slayde battling for control with a new personality? Was he even aware of the change? Good lord, even at my bitterest moments I'd never have wished this on him.

And though I wouldn't have shed any tears if XB9 had bit the dust, there was a special horror in seeing him changed from a proud, unshakeable man into a small, sniffling thing I could cradle in my arms.

It was even worse when I tried to imagine what it must've been like for Chicago. I had to cut that train of thought off; I didn’t like where the tracks were going.

All I knew I was that I wouldn't let the Sphere have its way. I couldn't. Who in their right mind could?

I was going to find a way to reverse what the Sphere did. Not just for Chicago; for all of them. No one deserved that. If I let them stay that way, I would become something a lot worse than Slayde ever was.

I admit there was a more pragmatic line of reasoning, too: getting Slayde and XB9 back to normal would put them in my debt. Mind you, I wasn't expecting sobs of gratitude and pledges of eternal fealty. But at least Slayde might think twice before pissing me off, and I'd likely win that bonus I'd wanted. That, or maybe I could convince Slayde and XB9 to finally just get a goddamn room. Look--those were just potential side benefits, okay? I couldn't purge myself of all self-interest, Saint Sanctimonious.

I was pulled out of my ruminations by a small, distorted voice coming from XB9's abandoned gear. Rushing over to inspect the source, I discovered a sleek black radio headset.

"XB9, do you copy?" the voice on the radio crackled. "If you don't reply within three minutes, we'll have no choice but to detonate the charges."

Oh, for fuck's sake, I thought.

I tried to channel that same sense of detachment and coolness that had saved my ass every other time we'd gotten into a life-or-death situation. I'd survived a volcano eruption, a genetically-engineered piranha mishap, a plasma tornado, and no less than four cases of giant robot superweapon rampages.

This is easy, I told myself. I just have to keep cool like before, even though my boss, my boss's rival, and my best friend all got turned into horse-creatures by an ancient artifact that looks like a prop from a bad 60's drive-in sci-fi flick.

Did I mention I really suck at giving myself pep talks? I looked the headset over, trying to decide if I should just talk into the mic or if I had to press a button first

"Wait!" XB9 squealed, frantically scampering towards me. "Say it smells like cabbage down here!"

I was only starting to give him a confused reply before he clarified, "It's a code! It tells them to stop the countdown!"

That was all the explanation I needed. Clearing my throat, I tried to prepare myself for the absolute best possible impersonation of XB9 I could manage. Christ...if only I'd taken that voice acting class.

"'It smells like cabbage down here,'" I said, doing my best to sound suitably dashing and suave.

"Voiceprint assessment," a robotic voice informed me. "Scanning. Incorrect match. Please try again."

I must have tried ten more times before I was just about ready to crush that goddam headset under my boot.

Before I could, XB9 yelled at me to give him the radio. Sighing, I complied.

"Id smews wike cabbage down hewe!" he shrieked into the headset, his pronunciation regressing temporarily to toddler level.

"Incorrect match."

He tried again. And again, and again, and again, more and more tearfully and incoherently each time. At last he threw the headset down and stomped on it with his puny hooves. When he discovered that he wasn't nearly strong enough to break it, he launched into a full-blown tantrum, jumping up and down in infantile rage. He bared his tiny fangs and bawled, his leathery little wings fluttering impotently.

His bizarre childish outburst certainly didn't help my concentration. My overworked, overloaded brain was already racing like a demented merry-go-round. It couldn't end like this. It simply couldn't. I'm no fatalist, but I knew damn well that if we tried running our way to safety, we would just die tired.

A loud clap made me jolt in surprise. For a half-second I thought the place was already coming down, but then I saw that XB9 had taken the initiative to start smashing the radio with a broken piece of masonry. Eventually the device spilled its electronic guts onto the floor, but only after scores of concerted hits. XB9 smirked vindictively, his tears already drying on his cheeks.

I would’ve yelled at him, but I couldn’t help but be impressed by his dedication. That, and the fact he had given me an idea.

Some things are built to last.

Turning to address the Sphere, I asked: "Does this city have any defenses against cave-ins?"

It was a moronic question, of course. Its first action upon hearing of a threat to the city was to turn three of us into baby horses. Why the hell would it have any useful response?

The sphere glowed warmly. "Affirmative. In case...of an impending structural failure, a repulsion dome...is projected to reinforce the ceiling. While this feature...will only extend survival by six hours, it can...nonetheless allow a safe evacuation, as dictated in the Book of--"

"This repulsion field," I interrupted. "Can you turn it on?"

"Checking repulsion...field power reserves," the Sphere stated, still with that goddam painfully slow voice. I could feel each second drain away, and it made me want to scream.

A faint hum emanated from somewhere deep in the bowels of the ruins.

"Repulsion field power reserves adequate. Field activated.”

My breathing slowed to a slightly less manic rate. Alright, so at least there was some vague cause for hope. But would it work?

Fuck, why did I have to pick this over being a stadium attendant?

As we all waited for our coming doom or salvation, the three foals began to inch closer to me. Soon my legs were clutched by three pairs of stubby hooves, all belonging to creatures who looked up at me as though I could actually do something to save them.

A low rumble filled the air. The ground shook, and I went prone to avoid getting knocked over. The foals held me tighter, whimpering like puppies.

I knew all too well how they felt. When I was a kid, I had been on vacation in Tokyo when an earthquake hit. It was minor by their standards, but I had reacted by huddling in a corner and bawling my eyes out. The only thing that had made me feel even slightly better was when my mom started holding me close.

Who was I to question her wisdom? I scooped up the ex-humans and wrapped them in a close embrace, letting them bury their little muzzles in my chest. They showed no signs of resistance or anger over this, and I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or disturbed.

The rumble of the convulsing earth grew to near-deafening levels. We covered our ears, praying for it to finally end. Bits of plaster and stone rained down like hail, and the foals pressed themselves even tighter against me.

XB9 gave me a nudge and frantically pointed upward. Following his hoof, I noticed that the anchoring spike he had used to rappel from the ceiling was shaking loose. I had just a split-second to recognize it before it suddenly popped out and tumbled straight down at us.

In slow motion I saw the spike's tip glittering in the Sphere's eldritch light. All sounds became muted and tinny, like they were being played on a half-broken radio from far away.

As the spike came closer, I could have sworn I felt its heft and its sharpness. It was going to nail someone to the floor.

I took the foals lying on top of me and clumsily threw them aside, ignoring their squeals of protest. Only once they were clear did I begin to roll out of the way.

THUMP.

Something wickedly sharp sliced into my neck, and my breath halted in my throat.

I couldn't breathe. Oh God, I couldn't breathe.

I mean, how could I breathe when I'd just escaped death by a millimeter? The spike had punctured the collar of my body armor, giving me a cut on the nape of my neck before burying itself in the ground.

Chicago cried out in a wordless shriek of horror--probably thinking the spike had impaled me.

"No--it's okay!" I called, giving her a thumbs-up before I pulled it free.

Seeing the spike in my hand, Chicago grinned and playfully whapped me on the shoulder with her hoof. I grinned back, knowing that at least some of the old Chicago was intact.

Old Chicago. Yeah, laugh it up, you stupid schmuck.

Meanwhile, something about the atmosphere had changed. It soon dawned on me what it was: the rumbling had stopped. Seeing as how the temple was still standing, it seemed the repulsion field was holding.

Jesus...the Sphere had actually done something helpful. Holy mother of fuck.

"Amazing," murmured Slayde, looking up at the cracked ceiling. "In the face of all this destruction...the city endures."

Hearing those words spoken with a four-year-old's voice was somewhere in between comical and unsettling.

"It won't stay that way for long," I grunted, getting on my feet and gathering my gear. "We need to get moving--if the Sphere was right, we only have six hours until this place gets buried."

"We're gonna go to Site Danicus first, right?" squeaked XB9, fear and hope warring in his catlike eyes. "I know I can't ask much from you, but...I kinda want to go back to normal."

"We'll get there," I said flatly, picking up the map the Sphere had deposited on the ground. Sadly I still had no clue as to exactly how far away Site Danicus was, but from its position on the map, it looked manageable.

I jogged over to XB9's gear, quickly scavenging what I could.

"Hey, that's mine!" XB9 whined as I examined his grappling hook.

“Yeah. What's your point?" I said, glaring down at him.

"...Nothing.” His head drooped. I felt sorry for the little guy, I gotta admit, but I didn't have time to cheer him up.

Scooping up the final pack of supplies, I turned to face the Sphere. "Open the doors. Now."

It must have sensed that I wasn't in the mood for any more bullshit, because in an instant the doors swung open.

"Have a safe and orderly evacuation, citizen," the Sphere droned.

"Fuck off," I spat as I led the foals outside.

We were greeted with the same gloomy vista of a cyclopean underground city as before, but with considerably less henchmen. In fact, there was no sign they'd been here at all.

Now, in my line of work this generally means one of two things: (1) They were all dragged off by some vicious, fanged monstrosity or (2) they had decided to go AWOL.

Judging by the complete lack of bullet holes, shell casings, or bloodstains, I was guessing the latter. Slayde quickly came to the same conclusion.

And as you might guess, he didn't take it too well.

"Damnable traitors!" he shrieked, jumping up and down in impotent fury. "Do they not know who they have betwayed--I mean, betrayed? I am Doctor Malcolm Swayde--Slayde!--the greatest criminal mastermind ever to grace the eawth--ergh, earth!"

"Chickenshits, the lot of them," I agreed. "But we can't get hung up on this. We need to keep moving."

"Don't you realize what this means?" Slayde yelled. "This is a transgression that cannot be tolewated--tolerated! We must twack--track!--down every mutineer, and throw them into the shark tank!"

"I thought you sold that stupid thing," I mumbled. Fuck, no wonder Slayde's finances were in such dire straits. Didn't he know how insane the upkeep on that thing was? "Ugh, never mind. Anyway, I won't ask this again...are you coming along or not?"

"We need to find them!" Slayde said wildly. "We'll start by searching for clues, anything to--"

I bent down and snatched up Slayde unceremoniously, ignoring his attempts to batter me with his tiny, marshmallow-like hooves. It actually made for a decent massage; I could imagine it as a nice alternative to that shiatsu crap.

"What are you doing, you oaf? Put me down! Put me down, I command you!"

I held him underneath my left arm like a football, easily able to support his weight. "I hope you guys are fine with walking?" I said to the other two foals.

"S-sure," said XB9. Chicago just nodded silently.

"I will feed you to last February's gene-beasts!" promised Slayde. "I will towment--torment--you with the Tormento Ray, and then I will make you spend the night in the Zombie Room! Then, once I've--"

And that's when I spanked a supervillain.

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