1. Nightmare Moon

Twilight was separated from the ponies she had just met, trapped with a malevolent princess in a ruined tower. The five crystal Elements of Harmony, the artifacts that had imprisoned Nightmare Moon when she first appeared, were scattered on the floor around the aforementioned villain. “But where’s the Sixth Element?” Twilight’s attempt to activate the five of them had painfully failed, and she would have to think of something fast.

Before Twilight could react, Nightmare Moon reared, bringing her hooves down in a terrible stomp that shattered the five Elements into tiny shards of crystal and Twilight’s hopes into motes of psychic dust. Twilight grimaced, expecting the end to come any moment now. Come on, think of something!

“You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me?” It was hard to think of Nightmare Moon’s voice as ‘saying’ something instead of ‘declaring’ it, even when it was a question. Twilight’s mind raced, trying to think her way out of this mess. Why is she still talking? She isn’t being efficient about this at all. “Now you will never see your princess, or your sun!” She thinks my fear is about that, not about my life? “The night will last forever!” Nightmare Moon began to cackle dramatically.

Suddenly, everything snapped into place.

“Night isn’t about darkness!” Twilight cried.

“What?” The princess was clearly surprised and annoyed at being interrupted in the middle of an evil laugh. Twilight knew how fun those were, and would have waited for her to finish if she had had the presence of mind. It was just polite, after all.

“I know what you really want, and it’s not this!” Twilight gestured around the empty chamber. “Only one foal, here to witness your victory? What sort of gloating is that? Where are the ponies that you have forcefully made your subjects?”

Nightmare Moon still towered over her, but was listening. Twilight heard a door open below, and five sets of hooves rush up the stairs. Her new friends burst into the chamber, and Twilight quickly waved off their attempts to comfort her.

“That’s better, isn’t it? And what good is gloating unless the victory is specific? A simple ‘I win’ isn’t that satisfying. So who did you beat?”

Twilight gestured at Applejack. “Applejack, the proud hick,” which earned her a glower, “represents the spirit of sincerity.”

Her hoof moved to Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, who saw beyond the surface to the true cause of the Manticore’s behavior, represents the spirit of perception.”

Pinkie Pie seemed constitutionally incapable of staying still, so Twilight’s hoof jittered as she pointed at her. “Pinkie Pie, who trusted in her forebrain instead of her hindbrain, represents the spirit of theory.”

Twilight gestured at Rarity. “Rarity, who understood what gives gifts meaning, represents the spirit of signalling.”

Twilight gestured last at Rainbow Dash. “And Rainbow Dash, who spoke her mind without regard to the consequences, represents the spirit of bluntness.”

Dash shrugged. “Fair.”

“Summoning Elements? A bold play,” Nightmare Moon said, “but you’re missing the sixth spirit, and I don’t see how you plan to tie that motley crew together.”

Twilight smirked. “I realized it after you shattered the Elements of Harmony. You wouldn’t have done that when you had the option of teleporting them away, unless there was a way to make more or you weren’t the sort of pony to consider alternatives. And that’s when I realized it- the sixth spirit, the one that unites all of them, is the spirit of… cynicism!”

There was a sudden flash of light that surrounded the six ponies in the room. The Elements of Harmony had been jewelry, pretty and sparkly, but the Elements of Cynicism were dark, thick-rimmed glasses. Rainbow Dash also got a trilby, because of course Rainbow Dash had to be special.

“Without sincerity as a mirror, how could one know to look for hidden motives? Without perception, how could one find them? Without a preference for theories, how could one know how and where to check the details to find which ones have been manipulated? Without signalling, how could one operate successfully in the world of the unaware? Without bluntness, how would one’s cynicism ever be known?”

Nightmare Moon dropped into a battle stance. “Now what? I’m not going back to the moon without a fight.”

“I told you all that because we don’t need to fight.” Twilight started pacing. “It’s obvious you feel unloved, and that you started lashing out for attention.” Nightmare Moon bristled. “It doesn’t do any good to deny it around us; we already know your secret. Heck, all of Equestria knows- every foal hears that as a bedtime story.

“But if you focused on attention instead of on status, you’d see that you could get what you want directly. Lots of people worship Celestia, but Celestia is the patron of winners, of the system. Ponies associate her with looking down, and so instead of replacing her, associate yourself with looking up. Everypony can point out some pony they envy, probably even Celestia, and so make yourself the patron of the second-place, the dispossessed, the alienated. Say everypony deserves a vote, that they’re all equal, crazy stuff like that. You’ll have flocks of devotees in a heartbeat.”

Thanks to the reality-warping effects of the Elements of Cynicism, Nightmare Moon actually agreed with their incisive analysis. “You’re completely correct,” she said, surprised.

The moment of crisis had passed, but the tension lingered, and they looked around the room uneasily. Fluttershy was the first to notice that Rarity’s tail had been regrown, and pointed it out to the others. “Why Rarity, it’s so lovely.”

“I know! I’ll never part with it again,” Rarity said, informing everyone around her of the importance of her personal appearance.

Rainbow Dash noticed her hat. “Aw yeah.”

“Gee Twilight!” Applejack said, poking her glasses. “I thought you were just spoutin’ a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of cynicism. Though Pinkie as the spirit of theory is still a stretch.”

“So… what do we do now?” Nightmare Moon asked.

“Well, I’d ditch the armor,” Rarity said, informing everyone around her of the value she placed on personal attire, and that she was confident her fashion sense was superior to Nightmare Moon’s.

“Also, I’d shrink back down to a normal size,” Twilight said. “You don’t want to be towering over ponies.”

With a flash of her horn, the tall, spindly Nightmare Moon shrank to slightly larger than Twilight’s size. Her helmet merged with her starry mane to form a short, cobalt mane. The dark cerulean of her coat, almost as black as the night sky, lightened to dark sapphire, and her armor warped into an oversized necklace. She blinked, and the cat-like irises of her eyes became large and circular. “Like this?” she asked in a softer voice.

“Perfect!” Rarity declared.

Applejack nodded. “Now bring back Celestia so you can have a heartfelt reunion.”

The other ponies looked at each other uneasily. Really? Just like that, no hard feelings? Twilight slowly nodded, though. “Yeah, Celestia can be sappy like that. I think it’ll work.” Applejack looked surprised that any of them thought it wouldn’t work.

“We need to come up with some sort of story. This version just wouldn’t do.” Rarity said, informing everyone around her that she cared about reputations.

Fluttershy looked at Applejack, and Twilight nodded. “Applejack and I should be able to write up a version of this where we restore the Elements of Harmony and drive out Nightmare Moon, instead of all being reasonable adults about it.”

“With a rainbow beam!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “Rainbows are awesome!” Rainbow Dash nodded approvingly.

“Sure, whatever,” Twilight said with a wave of her hoof. “We’ll say we shot her with a rainbow beam.”

Author's Note:

Inspired by Eliezer Yudkowsky's Facebook status:

In My Little Pony: Friendship is Signaling, Twilight Sparkle and her companions defeat Nightmare Moon by using the Elements of Cynicism to prove to her that she doesn't really care about darkness.

You can read his excellent fiction over here, and his Harry Potter fanfiction is particularly worth reading.

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NaN

NaN #1 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

Stupid feed not showing the new story. I got here be sheer coincidence. Anyway, at first I wasn't quite sure Twilight was actually describing cynicism, but the part after they talked down Nightmare Moon fits the bill perfectly.

cleversuggestion

cleversuggestion #2 · Nov 7th, 2013 · · ·

Switching this story to complete. I had originally thought about doing an entire reinterpretation of the first two episodes, and then maybe moving on to later ones / other stories, but it just didn't seem good enough, and I would rather have a thousand word comedy story than a ten thousand word comedy story, if the latter doesn't have ten times the jokes.

Rarity is fun to write, though, and I might someday write the Steven Magnet Incident, but as I'm envisioning it it'll be more an essay on signalling than a story, which suggests I probably ought not to write it.

naiad