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PresentPerfect


Writer, RCL co-curator, EQD prereader, dramatic reader, VA, fic reviewer. Vote for my next fic to release!

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Nightmare Moon's defeat meant more to Equestria than just the return of the sun and their Princess. Witness the conclusion of a story one thousand years in the making, through the eyes of a Hoofington nurse.

Written for Equestria Daily's 2013 Batpony Writeoff.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 38 )

I hate bat-ponies. I think it's a flat-out awful concept.

But that couldn't possibly skew my opinion of this story... right PP?

'Twas good; I liked it. Best of luck in the competition!

Witness the conclusion of a story one thousand years in the making, through the eyes of Hoofington nurse.

of a Hoofington nurse, I presume.

3425706
Why? That seems rather extreme.

3425874 Well, because the idea of Luna having guards in costume struck me as awesome, and it never even occurred to me that they could be an entire new race until folks started posting about it. I found the idea extremely dull and lazy to start with, but the more I thought about it, the creepier the idea got. Then I read Lauren's comment about them being created to serve in Luna's subterranean palace and the whole thing just maxed out my creep-o-meter. Sure, there are other implementations, but so far they have all struck me as Star-Wars-isms (the need to reference something from the show instead of being creative). I find the costume concept to be many times more interesting and nuanced because it actually ends characterisation, whereas bat-ponies really lend nothing to the episode.

(Also bear in mind that some degree of hyperbole was being used for PP's sake)

It's... a mite bland. The prose is strong but I'm never been able to get behind the worldbuilding for the sake of worldbuilding thing, and the relationship felt a bit too obviously like the thing that the worldbuilding was tacked on to to make it much of a story. My plot sub-processor is suggesting that a snappier intro done in medias res would have made for a better pace and ameliorated the lack of mystery or draw at the start.

Beyond that, it's solid enough but with probably the almost exact same flaws as I think I said about Aegis: The characters aren't quite dynamic enough to cover up the building blocks of the story framework. It's just a little more noticeable here because that framework is far more basic (intentionally so, given the prompt).

Part of me wants to enter competitions like this, if only so you can leave me nasty comments for me, but the EQD prompts are always seem aimed at exactly the kind of readers I'm not interested in, and everything about /fic/ confuses me. I am not smartest one either :(

-M

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Author Interviewer

3425874
Thanks for that! And don't worry about M, he hates everything.

3426255
Before we had WoF to go on, I was majorly into the idea of it being an illusion, on the armor or something. You'd have dark earth ponies and dark unicorns in her guard retinue as well, for instance. And while I still think that's a better idea than "new pony race", it also didn't lend itself to any story ideas. And I'm a die-hard Faustian. :B

Also I hate you now. This is what I can do in three days.

3426591 Yeah, that's the other reason that Random Romance help my attention where other competitions didn't. I don't really feel that writing at short notice is actually a competition of writing.

I think that's why When Is A Muffin Not A Muffin really hit the spot, though, because it's the one competition fic above many that didn't feel like it was done to a deadline. I suppose in that light I have to be impressed that you can do it at all, but it's hard to draw parallels when I simply wouldn't want to.

That, and of course, you smell of poo. Oh, and I have a feeling that the S4 2-parter is going to lay the hammer down on whatever we'd prefer the batponies to be.

Oh! And also, I can't believe you actually called then batponies. That seems so OOC, to me. It's not like pegasi are bird-ponies. That really stuck out like a sore thumb, but as usual, I suspect that's just me.

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Author Interviewer

3426640
Well, there's no fucking way I'm using a word from a completely different fantasy series to describe them. :| McCarthy or whoever called them bat ponies, so that's good enough for me. (See also: earth ponies.)

3429195 I assume you're referencing something specific here? I have no idea what you mean.

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Author Interviewer

3429204
Just whatever Twitter message it was that confirmed bat ponies were a fourth race. :B The human mind is not built to remember sources.

Oh, that was easy.

So this fic goes against WoF, but that's on account of me never having figured I'd be writing about bat pones. :B

3429230 No, I meant the "word from a completely different fantasy series" bit. That seemed quite specific.

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Author Interviewer

3429235 Well that's only confused me more... I'll stop asking.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

3429236
Congratulations, you don't read EQD comments. :B (And I mean that.)

3429195 I've seen Tulpar used a few times, and rather like that. It's really just the turkish version of winged horse, complete with feathered wings, but eh, whatever.

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Author Interviewer

3430421
I like the idea of borrowing from a mythology other than Greek/familiar-to-Western-society, but that word's a little too close to "tulpa" for my tastes. :B One could always look for other winged horse myths though!

Well, they aren't a "fourth race" until we see them zipping around on the show. The only true fourth race so far is the Crystal Pony one. Faust wasn't even sure herself, and said she just thought of them as a new race but as far as I know there were never plans to make them official.

But you know, fandoms.

Personally, the idea that an entire race of ponies is dedicated to one Princess and have just been waiting around for her to come back is really creepy to me. It makes them look less like a race all to their own and more like some kind of cult. Also, it takes away from the tragedy of Luna's character: the whole reason she went crazy is because nopony whatsoever appreciated her night. If she has an entire race of ponies dedicated to the night, what was the point of her turning into Nightmare Moon? It makes her look even worse, because then she just wanted to get "more" instead of "any" love. Downright megalomaniac!

3426591
I've heard tell that Faust said that Equestrian society heavily stigmatizes the consumption of alcohol. Now I'm not sure why, since I don't drink at all, but I have a hard time suspending my disbelief at that notion.

Oh right, the fic. Neat twist on the concept that I've never seen before, and you did have me in a bit of suspense because I thought for a moment that the romance would end in tragedy, but when I finished reading it I realized that there wasn't a whole lot to it besides the twist.

It's not the best batpone fic I've ever read, in other words. Isn't that right, Ether Echoes? :raritywink:

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Author Interviewer

3445069

the whole reason she went crazy is because nopony whatsoever appreciated her night. If she has an entire race of ponies dedicated to the night, what was the point of her turning into Nightmare Moon? It makes her look even worse, because then she just wanted to get "more" instead of "any" love. Downright megalomaniac!

This is a great point, in that it gives me a reason to never have to write about batponies again.

The awakening of the batpony blood during the release of Nightmare Moon, a glimpse of the chaos that took place in other parts of Equestria.

It had a really great emotional scene, Primrose, dealing with all the confusion and pain and being unable to control herself. Nice little romance, though can't help but wish this fandom would learn to use stallions as a potential love interest. Not that gender matters when a story tells it right, something I feel this story did right in building up. Though batpony goodness was a bit scarce, the concept and purpose of this story was focused more on the relationship of these two ponies.

Primrose's connection to the moon despite being a pegasi was well woven into a simple friendshipping tale that really helped ease everyone into what would occur later on. The Ending of the story leaves enough to the imagination as well rather then spoiling us with at the very least a cute nuzzle at the end there.

This was an adorable little romance. Good job.

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Author Interviewer

3492073
Thank you. :) I could have made the POV character male, but decided not to because in the larger body of fiction, straight romances are overdone.

3492539 I hail from a Touhou fandom. Mainly trans, Lesbians and futas. I guess for ME at least, as a fan of fillyfoolery, the prospect of finding an all female dominant society that ships any female outside of that gender for so many years (Touhou and Ponies combined, that's... that's a LOT of years) I guess I've grown a bit jaded to same old same old.

But, to be fair, I never meant for it to sound like making the nurse a male would be my PREFERRED route for this story. I just wish there were more honest to goodness REAL shipping with how idealistic males act and court or deal with a mares' approach, assuming the females are the ones who seek them out if they choose.

I recently even fell for a new OTP. Twilight x Willow (from Filly Funtasia, lol the FAIRY pony of the group!) since their contrasting personalities and his semi-gangster jocky but girly tea party loving self would be a really interesting take for a straight ship. A straight'ish TwiDash story essentially. Something like, Rainbow Dash but slightly girlier and very Pinkie Pie with the whole not being good at respecting Twilight's personal space. :p

IDK, I've spent too long with lesbian ships with ponies. I guess, to be more honest, just tired of the same unimaginative retelling of stories with the Mane 6 who are admittedly pretty boring by now. Eh, maybe. I guess I'm still a sucker for some Twixie and RariDash/RariJack. Bleh, I'm more for friendshipping and implies personally, but I don't shy away from good ship I guess.

ARGH I'M TALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN!

Oh well, like I said though it doesn't really matter. She could of been futa and I'd still would of d'awwed at that ending. We're all more than just the stuff between our legs after all, and that's sorta why I loved this story's little blooming romance.

P.S. What is the proper name for a pony with both genders? Is it polite to say futa?

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Author Interviewer

3493131

What is the proper name for a pony with both genders? Is it polite to say futa?

If you want to go the "ponies as humans" route, the term is 'intersex', but that's not only very clinical, it actually doesn't describe the perfect combinations that are generally depicted in fetishistic art, so just call 'em whatever, who cares. :V

I hail from a Touhou fandom. Mainly trans, Lesbians and futas. I guess for ME at least, as a fan of fillyfoolery, the prospect of finding an all female dominant society that ships any female outside of that gender for so many years (Touhou and Ponies combined, that's... that's a LOT of years) I guess I've grown a bit jaded to same old same old.

This is interesting. And of course, MLP fandom is no respite from constant F/F shipping, but when you have maybe a dozen male characters with actual personality by now (more if you age a few up), can you really expect anything else?

Not bad, PP. Interesting (though mildly creepy) approach in having the bat ponies show up as a bit of a surprise.

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Author Interviewer

3507486
Figures I'd only come up with a creepy transformation fic idea after that contest ended. :B

3431112
I've seen 'negasus', I like that one.

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Author Interviewer

3534476
They're not pegasi though. :/

3534493
They're close enough for me!

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Author Interviewer

3534746
wow racism wow D:

3536148
Hey, some of my best friends are batponies!

That was pretty nice. Strong prose, nice voice when it matters, and I like the mildly distant perspective it takes at the last scene. Really lets the situation play out as an experience, imo. And the worldbuilding bits were delicious. All in all, a sweet little story.

3430421
3431112

Jeck has a nice little ongoing story called Longma. Direct translation is "dragon horse".

This is a really powerful and sweet story! I enjoyed how you tied the liking to fly at night to the Nightmare Moon story. Very descriptive and great characters. I especially liked Nurse Sunshine and how she feels about Primrose.

Personally batponies are cool, but this seems a little strange. Are they going to feel drawn to Luna too now that's she's back in Equestria? The fourth race thing makes more sense, but doesn't explain where they come from very well. Having that be a result of guard armor or some kind of intentional transformation makes much more sense.

3722276
It's pretty good too.

3494943
I can expect lots of things. The absence of male characters from the screen is insufficient evidence of a significant lack of male ponies. Nevertheless, who gets shipped is up to the author. Besides, I suspect the community of being a bit biased and liking female characters more in general. You'd think there might be a few more male fan characters given the smaller number of canon ponies they can be compared to.

3492539
If you mean fiction period (as in all fiction), then duh. That's normal (esp. in scientific sense) and more reflective of reality. As for this fandom, I don't know as I can agree, but I'd be hard pressed to read even a fraction of all of it.

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Author Interviewer

3761529

The fourth race thing makes more sense, but doesn't explain where they come from very well.

Unfortunately, this is canon. I prefer the enchantment transformation explanation myself.

3762564 New canon!

Flutterbat goes back in time with Doctor Whooves and crossbreeds (graphically) with one of the ancient vamponies the Time Chargers battled eons ago, thus becoming the Batpony Queen!

Timey-whimy stuff...

:pinkiecrazy:

I love the idea of them being sealed away as pegasi. Brilliance.

This might come out strange, but that was a soothing story to read. Incredible atmosphere, really enjoyed it!

I will have to agree that a night dedicated pony race ruins the Nightmare Moon story, but that's a nitpick, it's not something this story truly relies on anyway.

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