Chapter II: 'Aving a Giggle in Steamport
As I walked briskly down the road, I mulled over my current predicament. Considering I was now stuck on an alien planet, and, if that pony’s clothes were any indicator, this place was at least a century behind Earth, in terms of technology, and possibly culture. That said, what was I going to do with myself, given that the thing I excel in is nowhere on this planet? How am I going to get money? And, more importantly, why did that thing think it was appropriate to turn me into a goddamned robot and send me to a planet lagging behind in terms of technology? I’m an engineer for Christ sake!
Although, considering my extensive knowledge in the field of robotics engineering, I should be able to apply what I know to build some kind of clever thingamabob to dazzle the inhabitance. Sure, granted I probably couldn’t make something like, say, a radio; however, given what little technology they were likely to posses, it probably wouldn’t take much to impress them.
On another note, how exactly was I supposed to eat? Given the fact that I was a robot, my energy wasn’t going to be maintainable by mere mortal means of sustenance. So I guessed that it was best to hope that I was solar powered; if so that would be pretty convenient. I mean, if it doesn’t have to eat, it doesn’t have to excrete…
That’s when I was hit with a rather nasty epiphany; so nasty, that I stopped dead in my tracks.
Slowly, I looked down at the waist-band of my trousers.
‘Nnnnnno…’
I seized front of my trousers, and then attentively pulled them forward.
‘Ooooooh…’
Well, it looks like that last swing I had with the brunette working in the entomology department, was, in fact, my last swing.
I took this news with a few moments of bitter silence before letting out an exasperated sigh. Good thing I wasn’t a teenager, or I’d be a hysterical wreck right now.
Then again, I am a robot after all, so I probably wasn’t susceptible to the same primal instinct or even desire to copulate (or, in layman’s terms, horniness) that mammals tend to suffer from.
So, I simply shrugged and went on my merry-way.
After a couple of numerous and varying concerns I had about the future of my career and the functions (or lack of functions) of my body, I could finally see the town of Steamport resting on the sea-shore.
It seemed the speculation I had made of the town, based on the two nouns in its name, were mostly correct.
It obviously got the “steam” part of its name from the abundance of factories it clearly had. It was obviously an industrial town, based on the amount of cranes, weather-vanes, small airships and the fact that the amount of pollution the smoke stacks were spewing every second was so abundant that I wouldn’t be surprised if there was an epidemic of lung-cancer plaguing this town.
The “port” part of its name came from the fact that it was on the sea-shore. And, of course, what kind of sea-side town would it be if it didn’t have a dock. Fishing ships, trade ships, ferries, freighters, and what was possibly a battleship.
As for the architecture, I had also made a correct speculation; this place significantly resembled Great Britain during the industrial age. Although the brick wall surrounding it did seem a bit out of place
“Well, time to amaze the masses with my creations…right after I get a job.”
I approached the gate, hoping to god they didn’t charge me an entry fee. I spotted a door opening inside the wall, which probably lead to a barracks built inside, expecting another one of those ponies to step out, dressed in a Scotland Yard outfit. That, however, wasn’t what he was dressed in. Instead of something that even remotely matched the town in any way shape or form…
‘They’re dressed in golden, pseudo-roman-legion armor… what kind of sense does that make?!’
So we have a world that’s in an industrial age, but, at the same time, soldiers dressed in ancient roman attire?! What the hell is wrong with this place?! Next they’ll be using swords and spears!
As the guard stepped out the door and took a better look at me, what I assumed to be his usual, stoic expression quickly dissolved into one of befuddlement and trepidation.
“…Uuuuuuh, Captain?” he said, looking back inside.
“WHAT?” a crotchety voice coming from inside the barracks replied.
“I may need some help out here…” the guard looked back at me with a worried expression.
I heard the sound of creaking wood and the clip-clop of hooves before another guard (obviously the guard-captain) stepped out, his coat the same off-white color as the other.
“What exactly was SO important that you had to interrupt my….”
He almost immediately caught sight of me, his angry expression switching over to confusion in less than a second. Then, he seemed to recognize me; and, thanks to his expression, I didn’t need to be psychic to know what he was thinking.
‘Shit, I should probably apologize to that mare the next time I see her’
But he quickly regained his composure and put on his “stoic-lawman” face.
“What is your business in Steamport stranger?”
“I’m looking for work, sir.”
The captain paused for a moment, sizing me up, checking for any signs that I was dangerous in any way, he seem to feel a bit unsure of me, not that I could blame him. Given I was a robot (something that was obviously completely alien to this world), I probably looked like the weirdest thing he had ever seen.
“Very, well; but before you go in I’m going to have to ask you to relinquish your armor, non-combatants aren’t allowed to wear it here.”
Oh shit, this is going to be hard to explain…
“Uhhhh this isn’t armor… it’s my body.”
“W-…what?”
“It isn’t armor, it’s basically my skin.” I rapped on my head a couple times, emitting a few low clangs that suggested that it was too thick for there to be anyone inside.
“How…?”
“I’m a robot”
“…A what?”
Oh god, if I have to explain this the same way to everyone I meet; I’m going to go fucking insane.
“I’m a living machine.” I deadpanned.
They, of course were skeptical of my claim from what I could tell from their expressions, but I guess they decided it wasn’t worth questioning.
“Alright, fine. But don’t cause any trouble while you’re here. I doubt there’s anyone else in town that looks anything like you. So if we get any reports of a metal creature standing on two legs causing a ruckus, we’re coming after you.” The captain said in a stern tone.
“Oh, absolutely sir; good day to you.
“Mrgh…whatever…”
I swear, stepping inside the town felt like I’d stepped into the Sherlock Holmes movie; you know, minus the humans.
The streets were packed with, to my surprise, many different species.
Turns out, there were actually three types of theses ponies. First there were the normal ones (by that I mean in shape, but there wasn’t anything normal about their color-schemes). Then there were unicorns and pegesi… no, seriously, I’m not making shit up, there were fucking unicorns and pegesi; it was like I was in some kind of fairy tale for little girls.
Another weird thing I had noticed about them was the fact that they all seemed to have tattoos on their asses that I had guessed was supposed to represent their role in society.
Then I saw these bird things that I knew instantly were griffins.
And then there were these dog creatures, varying in shape and size.
‘…yeah, I’m beginning to think I’m just on a really intense acid trip.’
“Extra, Extra!” a small colt shouted on top of a crate, waving a newspaper around, “Read all about it: Hindentitanic Sinks Minutes after Its First Takeoff!”
‘Hindentitanic? Ha! Of course something named after the two biggest engineering fiascos of the Twentieth Century failed…wait a minute, how the hell is he holding that...?’
“Alright, alright, yar had enough tah drink, now git outta here!” a stallion yelled, dragging a very drunk
Old pony out of a bar.
“He,he, what wouldja do with the drunken sailor-“
‘NO, seriously; how in the flying fuck is that colt holding that thing?!’
“Look, I’m sorry, ok! I’ve had a really slow week. Listen, I promise I’ll have the money for you tomorrow, alright?”
I overheard what was probably either a shakedown, or a landlord collecting rent; so, I naturally turned my attention n the direction of the conversation.
What I saw was a bronze unicorn standing in front of some kind of repair-shop, making him the owner. Facing him, was a group of five of those dog-things, one of them probably being six foot eleven, with yellow colored fur, wearing a bowler-hat. They all wore suits without jackets that all looked askew and were covered in soot.
It was clear that these wear no landlords.
“Oy don’t fink so, Cogsworth. Lock-jaw may be a patient stou-yen, but he sure as hell don’t like taw-dee-ness.” The tall one said, in a thick, Liverpool accent.
Yup, this was definitely a shake-down.
“You pwomised to ‘ave da bits by noon tah-day… eet’s now half-pawst twelve, an’ you cleawly don’t ‘em.”
My inner paragon was starting to kick in; there was no way I was just going to stand there and let these thugs beat this poor guy senseless for not being able to pay money he obviously shouldn’t owe. But what could I do about it? …then again, I do have a new body, so maybe I have built-in weapons?
Just as those thoughts crossed my mind, my HUD, once again, began conveniently telling me about my body’s features.
TASER-HAND. DELIVERS SHOCKS AT 1000 VOLTS. RECOMMENDED FOR NON-LETHAL METHOD OF TAKEDOWN.
SOLDERING BLADES. TWO FOOT LONG RETRACTABLE BLADES LOCATED IN THE TOP OF THE WRIST. CAPABLE OF REACHING TEMPRATURES OF UP TO 1,000 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. RECOMMEND FOR LETHAL METHOD OF TAKEDOWN.
STROBING OCULAR LIGHT. FLASHING LIGHT, BUILT INTO OCULAR LENS. RECOMMENDED BLINDING AND DISORIETING ASSAILANTS.
‘Whoa, I’m armed to the teeth! But what am I made of?
TITANIUM ALLOY
So, I’m also durable as hell and light-weight, nice. So, I CAN do something about these thugs.
“You we-mem-bah wot Lock-jaw said about being taw-dee. Oy fink it was somefing about bweakin’ your legs, ‘an smashin’ your teef een.”
“W-wait! You can’t just beat me in the middle of the street! There are witnesses all over the place!”
“Cah-mon now Cogsworth; you know thewe ain’t nobody wit eenuff balls to stand up tah the Jug-Street Colts. Now hold still, this’ll take less toim if you just-“
“Is there a problem here, gents?” I suddenly spoke up.
The entire group of dogs and the stallion (apparently named Cogsworth) turned their heads in my direction. The smaller dogs looked a bit pissed off at me, while Cogsworth just looked at me with an expression that said: ‘What the hell are you doing?! Get out of here!’
But the tall one had a look that was a mix of confusion and irritation.
“Oy, piss off, wanka. Dis ain’t none ‘a your business.”
“I’m sorry, but it seems as though you’re harassing that innocent pony; and I just can’t abide by that…”
Now the Dog was really pissed. He turned away from Cogsworth, facing me full-front. He took a few steps toward me, before stopping, arms length away.
“You listen ‘ere shwimp. If oy wutin’t dealin’ wif dis deadbeat, cok-suka right now, oy sweh on me mum, oy’d bash ye fookin ‘ead in.” he said, poking with his finger.
“Well, that would be a rather impressive feat, considering ‘m noggin’ is made of titanium” *DONG DONG* “just like the rest of me!” I knocked on my head to get my point across.
“Are you bein’ smaht wif me?” the dog’s anger was rising.
“Now, now; just because I’m using words you can’t understand, dosen’t mean I’m ‘bein’ smaht wif you’”
The Dog’s jaw went slightly slack, giving him a slight ‘duuuh’ expression, as he cocked his head to the left.
“And before you feel inclined to ask if I’m implying you’re stupid, I’m not implying it… I’m inferring it.”
The dog’s expression didn’t change in the slightest.
“Oh… It means you ARE stupid.”
It was as if the light-bulb in the idiot’s head flickered to life (or, in his case, a candle). But now, he was pretty much seething.
“YOU WOT, MATE?!”
And he balled up his fist, rearing back. Suddenly, all time began to slow to a pause, as my HUD began to work its magic. First it highlighted the projected arc of the dog’s swing, so I now knew exactly where he would strike me if I didn’t stop him. It then showed me exactly where I should meet his punch and when I should do so. I could do anything at this point, but I decided to go with the most obvious answer.
In a flash, time sped back up again and I put up my hand, meeting his strike with a *SMACK*.
“Uh- urgh?!” the dog made a sound akin to my granddad when he has no idea what was going on (which was about ninety percent of the time.)
“Oh wow, three hundred pounds of force, impressive, though not enough to even faze me…” I said with a slight bit of haughtiness. If my face didn’t lack any resemblance to a human, I would be smiling like a maniac.
Before the dog could say anything else, I sent a charge of 1,000 volts into my hand, delivering a very nasty shock. The dog began to violently convulse, saliva foaming at his mouth as he screamed in agony.
“GAAAABRRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAH!”
After a few moments of letting the mutt cook, I released his fist, allowing his to stagger about before falling flat on his face.
The other dogs just Stared at their biggest guy’s unconscious, smoking body. They all began to stutter uncontrollably. Cogsworth just stood there with his jaw touching the cobbled street, awestruck at what had just occurred. Geez, I really must have broke these guys.
“He… HE KILLED DREGER!”One of the medium sized dogs cried.
“YOU BASTARD!” the littlest one added.
“Oh, no I didn’t! He’s only stunned…although you may want to get him to a doctor; and change his clothes, he seems to have soiled himself.”
The dogs hastily took my advice, hoisting Dreger over their heads, and rushing down the street. satisfied with my victory, I placed my hands on my hips.
“And that takes care of that!”
“That… that was amazing!”
I turned to see Cogsworth staring wide eyed at me.
How in Celestia’s name did you do that!” he marveled.
‘Celestia? ‘Must be some kind of deity.
“Errr, even if I did explain it to you, you really wouldn’t understand. But enough about me; are you alright? And who were those thugs?”
“You must be new in town… those were some of the Jug-Street Colts; the gang that basically owns the whole town. I… I owed them protection money, but I couldn’t get them the bits on time.”
“Ah, I was right; but if you’re having trouble with these punks, why not take it up with the authorities? Surely they can take care of them?”
Cogsworth shook his head “They would if they could, but the Jug-Street colts outnumber the guards twenty to one! And most of them are diamond dogs, and they can hear all the way across town; so even if the city guard tries to pick off one group at a time, they can just call for help and the others will come running! Most of the time, guards will accept bribes to look the other way anyhow”
‘So, we’ve got a gang that controls the city, corrupt guards, and helpless merchants being bullied… this looks like a job for vigilante justice!’
“I might be able to do something about this. Do you know where they like to hideout?”
Cogsworth looked at me strange “Well, yes, everyone does. They live in the old whiskey distillery on Jug-Street; it’s on the other side of town. But what are you going to do about it?”
“Their boss, lock-jaw was it? I’m going to pay him a… oh, what’s that word again?”
“…Visit?”
“Beating, I’m going to pay him a beating.” I said, smugly.
“Oh… well, g-good luck with that?”
Right before I headed off, I noticed something on the ground. Apparently, Dreger dropped his bowler-hat.
‘Hmm, I’ve always liked those.’ I thought to myself.
I bent over, picking up and wiping the dirt off of it. It looked surprisingly clean, considering who it belonged to. I placed it on my head, turning toward a shop window to take a good look at myself. I admired myself for a good minute before saying.
“It’s a keeper.”
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Accept.
I’m going to pay him a… oh, what’s that word again?”
“…Visit?”
“Beating, I’m going to pay him a beating
im not sure were thats from but i've heard it before (i think it might be DBZ abridged but not sure) tell me it if i got it wrong or right
Someone's a fan of Dishonored, I see.
Jug Street Gang - Bottle Street Gang, Lockjaw- Slackjaw, even holed up in a whiskey distillery.
Bravo, sir.
3449774 That's not it, (hint: it was dragged along several paragraphs)
good catch though.
3449791 where was that reference that i said from anyway?
So how about those updates?
3449779 Thank you, But that's not the "Special" reference I had in mind.
(that reminds me, I should probably finish up my No kills, no detection play-through, Sokolov's Manor is killing me T-T)
3449795
DBZ abriged, season two, vegeta taking about Guru, after his rage broke.
3449839 I KNEW IT
I was gonna rewatch DBZ abridged to see if I was right
Or, you know, he could make himself a robo-dick.
'Oh my god! They killed Kenny!' ' Those bastards!' – South Park
Nice story. I have nothing else to say.
DBZ Abridge reference. South Park reference. Assassin's Creed reference.
You mean the fuck-massive refrence to Dishonored?.....Slackjaw,Bottle-street gang,Old whiskey distillery......Yep,Its a Dishonored easter egg
3449829 Its a shit ton easier if you have the ability to possess rats....Stop time and blink II help aswell
U havin a gigle ther m8?
3451613
*Virtual Back pat*
congrats
3451493
3451277
3451579
Nope.jpg
3451613
This guy got it
Oh this story plays heavily to my interests. Instant favorite and like. Please continue this.
This is most excellent
Hmm. Very interesting concept!
I wonder if he'll be creating any upgrades to his body. Maybe infared vision? The possibilities are endless!!!
nice touch with the Bowler hat, very classy
3452191 ill bash ye fookin ead in i sware on me mum!!
Interesting, I'm expecting some heavy humanized robocop justice.
VERY exciting story! I cannot wait for the next chapter!
Robotics stories are my favorite kind!~
Freaking hurry up man!
Doun't tazse me bro'a!!!
(don't tase me bro!!!)
Dishonored is a great game, I hope you update this soon!
cycloptic robot in a bowler hat?
I'm getting flashes of Watson from Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd century.
i wil rek u m8!! 1v1 me rust 'nd irl scrub!!!111!!!one!!
prepar 2 get noscoped fegt!
...
Sorry, I just had to.
Anywho this was really good and I will fav, like and keep reeeaaaadddiiiiinnnnng!
And now the robot has a bowler hat!
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme.png
Is there a Sherlock Holmes reference in there?
I thought I saw one.
Also, the correct term is 'Liverpudlian'
5292023 i was gonna say meet the robinsons. their cyclopic robot IS a bowler hat!
AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
This town sounds like Liberty City from GTA 3
DBZ abridged fan I SEE?
Paragon
Mass Effect
5292113 That would have been hilarious if he had responded like that!
Correction: U WOT M8?!
5292113 fgt*
3452191
So many little errors... You in need of an editor, Mr. Siegmund? While the parts with the stupidly thick British accents, I won't be as much help as maybe someone else, but I can definitely help you with grammar and spelling mistakes.
5293859 The way he typed it seems cockney, no where near scouse.
I GOT THE REFERENCE, WHERE IS MY PAT ON THE BACK?
U Wot M8
Welcome to Dunwall!
Hmm? *Looks up from putting a messy bloody ball of ratguts into a distillery potion still*
What reference? No matter, my deed is done here...now, to collect my reward from Granny Rags.