Micheal Santino is just your "average" guy. He works as a bouncer in a local pub, lives in a run-down loft in the city, and happens to be a century-old vampire. After an unfortunate turn of events, he finds himself ripped from his world of darkness and thrown into Equestria. Is this all just a big coincidence or are there forces at work in the shadows pulling strings. Only time will tell...
This is a crossover of Vampire the Masquerade for those asking. If you've never heard of it, I highly recommend giving it a try. Fun game.
Thanks to TimberWolf65 for his editing prowess.
And a quick shout out to eselle for helping me with some last minute techno mumbo-jumb.
Chapters (1)
Using oWoD as your vampire's base. I HAVE to watch now.
FREAKIN BRILLIANT!
Continue.
This gonna be good.
It seems good, but the end makes no damn sense. Why the hell would she drag him back to her cottage if she was just begging not to be eaten just a few seconds ago? Maybe if there had been something to cause this but as it stands it just comes out of the blue for no reason.
I've gotta say that your writing needs a lot of work. Just looking at the description alone gave me a big heads-up that I was in for a bit of a ride.
Right off the bat, here is a big red flag. Either your protagonist is a century[not centuries?]-old vampire, or he is an average guy. These are two mutually exclusive concepts, and run completely contrary to one another.
Right here is another red flag. Guy's just your average Joe-vampire who goes traipsing through the woods at night, on what I assume on his night off or following the end of his shift as a bouncer, loaded to the nines with a military grade handgun and no less than five magazines worth of ammunition on his personage.
Big red flag here. Dude can talk to animals too? Let's go back and run the checklist. 'Everyman?' Check. 'Vampire?' Check. 'Unnatural charisma and/or luck?' Check. 'Carries firearms and plenty of ammunition for no discernible reason?' Check. 'Has magic waterproof, blood powered phone?' Don't get me started on the logistics of blood as a power source. Oh, and check. 'Talks to and can be understood by animals?' Check. Okay, so right here we've got a bunch of Mary Sue/Gary Stu character archetype warning signs, and not much of any indication of any actual character.
This right here is a pretty big indicator of just how confident you are. Instead of inserting a horizontal rule and hoping that the reader is intelligent enough to pick up on a perspective change, maybe by means of mixing up the way you write during a certain character's perspective, you just flat out tell them the perspective changes. There's a golden rule of writing that *Perspective Change* breaks. The rule of showing rather than telling. Read back over this last point and you should already get a better idea of how to show instead of telling.
Now, ignoring some issues of grammar and punctuation—not that they are any less important to your writing—I'd like to point out a big problem with this story. Pacing. Things happen a bit too fast for this to be interesting. It's just Talk about character. Conversation. Thing. Other thing. Change from third person to first person mid-narrative. Garry Stu. Fight. Fight. Thing. Needless perspective change. In the 1900 words you wasted just making things happen in this chapter, you could have set up an actual narrative, and given the protagonist a bit more spitshine.
Speaking of waste, though, I want to go back to a point I made in the previous paragraph. The perspective change at the end of the chapter was either completely needless, or utterly wasted. It's literally two paragraphs after change in perspective and then it is already the end of the chapter. Instead of doing that and rushing through things in Fluttershy's perspective, you could have fleshed things out. Heck, Vaalintine made an incredibly great point. One moment she's terrified that he is about to eat her, but in the next, she abandons fear and drags him to her cottage. That's not only nonsensical, it runs contrary to her persona.
I hope you will take some of my advice and warnings to heart, and I wish you the best of luck in your future writing.
PS. What is this even a crossover of?
Wait wait wait. An old VtM Brujah in Equestria?
Dude! Why didn't I think of this?
This is a crossover with what?
lol
3435912 First off, let me thank you for the indepth response. I do admit it took of a bit on me and I wasn't sure how to reel it back in. Ill work on some pacing in the future. And as for the horizontal lines, it cut those out when I imported it form gdocs and didnt realize it till I had uploaded it. Ill fix that asap.
3436749>>3435912 As for what this is a crossover of, its from the Old World of Darkness games, specifically Vampire the Masquerade.
3435634 Ok yeah, that was a bit ooc for her but ill explain it next chapter.
3436467 Gangrel, not Brujah.
3438750
Oh right, that's the gangrel clan symbol. Geez my age is showing.
3438736......vampire the masquerade......now i feel like an idiot for not catching that up XD, okay lets dig in shall we
Gonna watch, gotta love the gangrel after all. Although there are some glaring things, several pointed out already, that are strange. but as far as VtM is concerned this is just Tuesday
Gotta say though my gargrel and yours would not get along very well
Well, write more.