Guard Duty

Lord Stratos Eclipse #1 · Oct 30th, 2013 · 6 · 6 ·

Not going to read this or up/downvote for it, but will say this, the thing that offends me the most here is that Twilight falls to Trixie's Mind control.

Traveler7

Traveler7 #2 · Oct 30th, 2013 · · ·

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....Well. That's grim. But I pretty much should've expected that. Still. Well done. Honestly want to see Twi do the controlling at some point but that's not here or there... Well done, in any case.

nobodyreallyimportant

nobodyreallyimportant #3 · Oct 30th, 2013 · 4 · 1 ·

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Well then.

Gabriel LaVedier

Gabriel LaVedier #4 · Oct 30th, 2013 · 7 · ·

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That was just a weird opening. Seriously, some guy goads her into it just because he's a giant, bigoted jerk? And then Trixie is there with magic power she never showed before? I was a bit skeptical going in and that was justified, it seems. I understand folks want nonconsentual Twixie but I feel they can get better elsewhere.

Wise Cracker

Wise Cracker #5 · Oct 30th, 2013 · 12 · 2 ·

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It's violent just for the sake of being violent, doesn't really do anything that arousing unless you're into torture porn -- in which case, saying it's just a torture porn might help get you your intended audience -- but more than anything it's barely a pony fic.

These characters could be replaced by OC's, and it wouldn't change anything. In fact, reading this makes me wonder if I wouldn't find this very same story somewhere else with the names changed. That's not something you want in fan fiction. There's no reason this story needs Trixie or Twilight to work, it works even less because you use these specific characters.

This fic also does not contain, or at least need or use, mind control, not from where I'm sitting. There's one band on her horn (which in and of itself is a silly notion if you do research into magical paradigms), there's one spell, and boom, Twilight's lost. But Trixie doesn't use the control, at all. The spell itself has barely any effect on what happens afterwards. Trixie could have done all the horrible things she does without using the spell, or using a simple paralysis spell. Again, this makes the addition of it feel hollow and poorly used. Trixie doesn't make Twilight do anything to justify the mind control spell, so why do it?

Finally, your description is incorrect. Twilight does not get into an altercation in jail. This would imply she goes to jail and gets into a fight with somepony. It makes your reader think Twilight goes to jail for no real reason (accurate) and runs into Trixie, who's an inmate with a grudge. Instead she lands in jail because of an altercation and Trixie is in a position of authority, a very different situation from what the description provides.

So, to recap:
-a warning is good. Saying the intention is pure torture porn will get the right readers. And if it's not torture porn, then ease off on the unreasonable behaviours and foul language.
-think about why you're using these characters in these situations, and try to keep it justified. There's no reason not to, otherwise even the intended audience will remark it's barely a pony fic.
-mind control and bondage are not the same thing. If this torture can go on without the addition of mind control -- which is the case in this version -- then there's no point in having it in your story.

the_sane_maniac