The Ticket Monger
“Thankee much fer helpin’ me with the apples, Twilight,” said Applejack. The two ponies walked through the orchard, carrying sacks of apples on their backs.
“No problem, Applejack. Always eager to lend a hoof to the muggles. I’m trying to train up my magic by using telekinetic grab over and over again, anyway,” Twilight responded.
“Whyna you jus’ teleport to Canterlot over an’ over?” asked Applejack. "It's faster."
“That’s a good--”
“BELCH!”
A fiery scroll emerged from Simon’s mouth.
“What’s all this, then?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
Simon opened the scroll and read.
“Hear ye, hear ye. Queen Celestia the Second is holding the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot next month, on November the 5th. Enclosed are two tickets. Twilight, as you are my personal student, one ticket is for you. You may bring along a single friend.
“Oh, joy,” said Twilight Sparkle, rolling her eyes.
“Not the Gala again,” said Simon. “You can take somepony else besides me. Last time I went, I nearly fell asleep during the Queen’s hour-long speech.”
“But I have to bring a friend,” said Twilight Sparkle, “or else I won’t make it through, either.”
She turned to Applejack.
“Applejack, would you care to attend the Gala with me?”
“Nae danger,” said Applejack, drawing back. “I hafta harvest all these apples, an’ me gran needs a new wheelchair an’ crutches, an’ Big Mackintosh an’ I are attendin’ a hoofball game that very day! Besides, I cannae afford an expensive dress, an’ they won’t let me wear me kilt in there!”
“But… but think of all the shillings you could make by selling apples!” Twilight Sparkle implored.
Applejack chuckled. “Sellin’ apples at a gala? Are ye mad?”
“You have to come; I implore you,” said Twilight Sparkle, getting on her knees and clasping her hooves together. “The Queen’s social functions are insufferably boring. Without the magic of amity, I could never survive it!”
“Aye,” said Applejack, “so give the extra ticket to somepony else, then.”
Twilight sighed. “Very well then, I suppose.”
Up in the trees, they noticed Rainbow Chav taking a nap.
“Rainbow Chav!” shouted Twilight Sparkle.
“Wot?” said Rainbow Chav, waking up. “You tosser! You bloody interrupted an amazing dream I was havin’!”
“My apologies,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Would you care to attend the Grand Galloping Gala with me?”
“Attend the Grand Galloping Gala?” asked Rainbow Chav. “When is it?”
“It’s the fifth next month,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh? Well I have plans, sorry,” said Rainbow Chav.
“Plans?” Twilight asked. “Such as?”
“I’ll be drinkin’ at the pub with me blokes that evenin’, gettin’ pissed,” said Rainbow Chav.
“But you do that every evening,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Well, then why break tradition?” asked Rainbow Chav, lighting up a fag.
“There’s free alcohol,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh really?” Rainbow’s eyes widened.
“Indeed,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Wine, champagne, scotch…”
“Only touch vodka and beer meself,” said Rainbow Chav. “Sorry.”
“Oh, bother,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Come hither, Simon. Let’s go see if anypony else would care to attend this horrid gathering with me.”
Simon got on Twilight Sparkle’s back, and they rode off into the town of Ponyborough Upon Everfree to see if anypony would attend the Gala with them.
Twilight Sparkle reached her hoof up to the door of Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked. Fluttershy came to the door and answered.
“Yes?” she asked.
“Fluttershy, would you like to attend the Grand Galloping Gala with me?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“The Grand Galloping Gala? What’s that?” asked Fluttershy.
“It’s a quiet, respectable event. Also there’s a garden with quiet butterflies, mice, and other low-volume animals,” said Twilight.
“Oh, that sounds lovely,” said Fluttershy. “When is it?”
“November the 5th.”
Fluttersy blushed. “Oh, bother. I’m dreadfully sorry, Twilight, but I have a cricket match to attend that evening.”
“A cricket match?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Yes. Two of my pugilist crickets are having a boxing match, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” said Fluttershy. Two small crickets wearing boxing gloves hopped out of her cottage, down the steps, and for their daily jog.
“Can’t you ask them to reshedule?” asked Twilight.
“Hmm… I suppose I could. But I don’t want to take a ticket if somepony else wants to go. I don’t want to be rude.”
“No, no, I insist,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, it’s alright,” said Fluttershy. “Really, I’m sure there’s plenty of other ponies who want to go more than I do, and I’d hate to deprive them.”
Twilight Sparkle placed her face in her hoof and shook her head.
“Come, Simon. Let’s go ask Pinkie.”
Twilight Sparkle and Simon walked through the front door of Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight Sparkle asked, “Pinkie Pie, would you care to--”
Pinkie Pie snatched the golden ticket out of Simon’s claw before Twilight had a chance to finish speaking. She smiled a crooked, yellow grin.
“Would I? O’course I would! A golden ticket to tour Celestia’s cholocate factory and eat all the sweets I want? Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”
Twilight Sparkle and Simon blinked for a few moments.
“No, actually, this is a ticket for the Grand Galloping Gala,” said Simon.
“Oh. Well ‘ave it back, then, guvnah. That Gala is booooooooooring, from what I ‘ear.”
Pinkie Pie hoofed the ticket back to Simon. Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes.
She said, “Oh, fine. Let’s go get something to eat, Simon. I’m quite famished.”
Simon and Twilight Sparkle went to the local restaurant, where they sat down to order.
“I just don’t know about this whole situation, Simon,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“What don’t you know?” asked Simon, right as the waiter walked up to the table.
“Well, all four of my friends are busy.”
“Don’t you have a fifth friend?” asked Simon. "A gorgeous white unicorn of some variety?"
“I think so, but I can’t quite recall her name at the moment,” said Twilight. “I just need to find somepony to give this ticket to. But who? Who? WHO?”
“You called?”
Twilight and Simon looked around and saw the brown stallion with the spiky mane that they had met once before. He grinned at them.
“Aren’t you that doctor fellow that I met at the Summer Sun Celebration? The one who doesn’t actually practice medicine?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Indeed,” he said, adjusting his tie.
“Would you care to attend the Grand Galloping Gala with me?” asked Twilight, floating a ticket over to him.
“Sure,” he said, taking the ticket in his hoof, holding it up to his eyes, and examining it.
“Jolly good!” exclaimed Twilight Sparkle.
The Doctor scanned the ticket, furrowing his eyebrows. “The fifth of November? Why does that date sound so familiar?” he asked.
Twilight groaned. “What, do you have work or another social engagement on that day, as well?”
“No, I’m quite available. I’m unemployed and have but one friend in the galaxy,” he said. “No… this date. Oh, that’s right! What’s that rhyme again? Remember, remember, the fifth of Novemb--”
The colour drained from his face and he dropped the ticket to the ground. Seemingly an eternity later, he spoke.
“Sorry. I absolutely can not. It might disrupt the timeline were I to interfere.”
The Doctor dashed off towards his blue box, got in, and it disappeared.
“Such a strange bloke,” said Simon.
“Quite,” said Twilight.
“Ahem. Are you ready to order?” asked the waiter, who was still standing right next to their table, tapping his hoof.
“Oh, sorry,” said Twilight. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Five minutes,” he said, furrowing his brow.
“You could’ve left and come back,” said Simon.
“Well, I didn’t,” he responded.
“Sorry, but you have no one to blame your excessive patience on but yourself,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Now, what’s on the menu for today?”
The waiter cleared his throat. “Well, there’s eggs, daffodils, and hay; eggs, scones, muffins, daffodils, and hay; hay, daffodils, muffins, and hay; hay, hay, scones, eggs, and hay; and hay, hay, hay, hay, muffins, and hay.”
“Do you have anything without hay?” asked Twilight.
“Well... eggs, daffodils, and hay only has a little bit of hay,” said the waiter.
“Can I get that without the hay?” asked Twilight.
“What?” the waiter asked, his jaw agape. “How can you get the eggs, daffodils, and hay without the hay?”
“I don’t like hay!” Twilight yelled.
“It’s alright, Twilight; I’ll take your hay,” said Simon. “As for me, I’ll take the hay, hay, hay, hay, muffins, and hay.”
The waiter jotted down the order and walked back inside. As he walked, he passed by a cream-coated earth pony with a blond mane wearing a chef’s coat.
“What a dreadful rest’runt,” the pony said in a Scottish accent. “All they serve here is hay. My food took an hour to get here. And don’t even get me started on the kitchen.”
After they departed the restaurant, having finished their meal of mostly hay, Twilight Sparkle jumped up in the air, a gaslight lamp appearing above her head.
“Rarity!” Twilight exclaimed.
“I’ll say it is,” said Simon. “You’d get struck by lightning before finding a pony to take your ticket.”
“No, Simon. Rarity. The name of my fifth friend! And your secret crush that’s about as blatant as a double-decker bus!”
“Oh, right,” said Simon.
“The Grand Galloping Gala!?” asked Rarity. “Why, I’d love to go there! Oh, all the nobles and royalty and fashionistas all in one place? I’d die a happy mare!”
“No happiness allowed, I’m afraid,” said Twilight Sparkle. “If you go, you shall have to maintain a stiff upper lip the entire time.”
“Oh, I shall, darling,” Rarity promised. “But I’d hate to take the ticket from another pony who wants to go more than I do. I must therefore politely decline.”
Twilight Sparkle glared at Rarity. “No. Nopony else wants to go but you.”
“Oh, well then in that case, off we go then! I only wish that I could take Sweetie Belle along with me. Show her what high society is.”
“Here, you can have my ticket. Wingardium leviosa,” said Twilight Sparkle as she levitated the ticket over to Rarity.
“Wingardium leviosa,” said Rarity, levitating it back. “You obviously want to go. I'm already burdening you enough by taking your spare ticket.”
“Wingardium leviosa!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Wingardium leviosa!”
Eventually, the polite stand-off ended with Rarity and Sweetie Belle having both tickets.
“Simon, write a letter, please.”
The dragon obliged.
“Dear Queen Celestia. I learned something about friendship and generosity today. I gave both my tickets to Rarity and her sister, because I wanted to be generous. So, I politely regret to inform you that I shall not be attending. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.”
Simon breathed fire on the letter, and it disappeared.
“Glad that whole sticky wicket is over with,” said Twilight Sparkle. "Now I don't have to go."
“BURP!”
A scroll emerged from Simon’s mouth. He opened it, and read aloud.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle. Your generosity and politeness will get you far in life. As a reward, here is an additional ticket. See you at the gala! Sincerely, Queen Celestia.”
Simon smirked at Twilight.
“Oh, bollocks,” she groaned.
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Ha! Jolly good show! Loved the inversion of the episode. Now for Applebuck season have Applejack poison the town with Marmite, the most horrible thing ever created besides Vegemite. Or save it as a weapon to use against Discord, I don't know.
Line I will be looking for in the future: "My lord, I have a cunning plan."
Sooooo... 62 more of these?
Sure, I'm down.
HAY! WONDEROUS HAY! GLORIOUS HAY!
(Sorry, couldn't resist)
Yay! The boring gala! AT THE GALA!! At the gala!
Rarity: I would be delight, not in fright, and fight all the ponies! I will do at the GALA!!
Twilight: This is boring. Hate it here. It's like the death of fear! Gonna cry, oh bollocks, right here at the GALA!!
Accurate, no?
Anyway, this was AWESOME!!
..
…So either Canterlot will blow up during the Gala, or we will see V from "V for Vendetta"
Instead of cider season have bovril season
Remember, remember, the Fifth of November
It just lasts a night, but it seems like forever.
(I apologize to everyone for that.)
What, no spam? But I want my spam, spam, spam, spammity-spam, hay and spam!
Quick someone animate this!!!!!
3423011 I dunno... have you ever seen natto? Dat some gross-looking, gross-smelling sheeyat.
blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/natto.jpg
That sticky stuff is all the bacterial/fungal slime growing on it.
"Right! Stop this sketch, it's got silly. It started out as a nice little sketch about pastel-coloured ponies, but now it's just got silly. Now, nopony likes a good laugh more than I do... except perhaps my wife and some of her friends... oh yes, and Captain Armour. Come to think of it, most ponies like a good laugh more than I do. But that's beside the point."
Pssst! It's Queen Celestia the Second, not Princess Celestia. Unless Twilight deliberately dethrones her in friendship reports.
"I can think of no reason
The gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot."
So am I the only one who reads Spike/Simon's lines in Honeydew's voice?
Brilliant!
Please, continue. I'm okay with this.
Do I detect a Gordon Ramsay reference?
3423482 Indeed. They're blowing smoke up his arse.
I don't know if it was your intent, but British Twilight is voiced by Emma Watson. I will brook no argument on the matter.
I thought it was the Magic of Amity.
"Hay, hay, hay, hay, hay, hay! Wonderful hay!" said all the Vikings.
THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN, good work
Oh god, I remember doing that for training until I started using the Ancients book.
3423664 I'm oldschool, so I don't even know what that is. When last I played, Cammy teles and high alchs were the way to go. But then again, 99s are so easy to get nowadays that they practically fall off trees. Especially the runespan. Oh god, the Runespan. Talk about devaluing the efforts of millions with one fell swoop.
I do need to renew my Oldschool membership, though. Runescape 2007 was meant to appeal to people like me.
Was that a Runescape quip? "Telekinetic Grab"
Anywhoo... a fun story. Bit strange... Do all British people have such a complicated vocabulary?
Also, love the Wingardium Leviosa joke. Probably your main funny joke, imo.
"Sincerely, Princess Celestia?"
3423011 I'm still waiting for this:
3423733 Fixed.
And yep, it was indeed a Runescape reference. Seeing as how it's basically the British version of World of Warcraft, and I've probably spent 2,000 hours playing it before my membership finally ran out
3423697
I thought the Ancient Spellbook was oldschool? I remember seeing ice spells being cast all the time in PvP.
And I'm not sure what the Runespan is. I stopped playing a while ago, after they changed {INSERT WORDS HERE} to {INSERT WORDS HERE}. I mean, seriously, how could Jagex do that to their loyal fanbase?
3423751
I am playing Runescape right now. Join meeee.
Ah'll give you a bond. They are runescape items that become 14 days of rs membership. :3
3423697
That's funny because I am doing Runespan right naow. Beend doing Runespan for the entire week.
Ah need 90 runecrafting for Player owned Ports
3423753 More like Fagex, amirite?
I stuck around after the free trade and wildy removal, so that shows you how committed I was. I had a santa hat, green mask, disc of returning and like 90 mil. I had three 99's. I finally just grew tired of it.
3423753
That "loyal fanbase" has been steadily shrinking. Thanks to RS 3, Runescape is finally getting that much needed rejuvenation.
Ah've seen a plethora of new and returning rs players.
Jagex <3
3423759 Oh man, well thanks for the offer, and I might take you up on that.
However, I will have to wait until after this weekend, since I have a con to attend.
3423788
Runefest!?!? OMG Niceee. The new Runescape quests are splenderiffic. :3
3423781
I was actually okay with the removal of free trade and the wildy.
What really annoyed me was logging on for the first time in a few months and constantly seeing messages about Evolution of Combat. Combat could have remained unevolved; it would have been much better.
3423790 Actually, Running of the Leaves con in Denver. I'm going to have a panel about fan fiction. I guess that makes me officially famous or something.
3423793
Free Trade and the Wilderness are BACK. Also, Player-run gambling (doubling, flowergames) are now illegal. Additionally, Bots are at an all-time low and the economy is stabilizing.
The new combat system paved the way for new team-based bosses and quest-bosses. Also, if you don't like the abilities... you can hit the "momentum ability" to afk combat. Momentum is permanent, and it's similar to oldschool combat.
3423795
If you didn't know...
"Player owned Ports" has a tremendous amount of MLP references. The islands you discover are named after the Mane 6. There's a sketchy person named Discord. Also, your boat's description sometimes states that it's "20 percent cooler."
3423816 Oh wow that's pretty cool. Yeah POP sounds like a neat idea. As long as it's more fun than Dungeoneering, though. I just couldn't get into that at all.
3423821
Same! Luckily, they boosted exp rates for Dungeoneering. And the EOC combat makes Dungeoneering way more bearable.
Ah mostly play rs for the quests.
It appears that you have inadvertently used an S instead of a C. Please correct this post-haste.
As an aside, I, as a British person, highly enjoyed this. I also read everything in my most British of voices.
3423804
I might start playing again, then, when I don't have classes.
5th of November! it's soon ain't it? Now, the parliament will fall
I say, what is this? Chef Ram Sea is not a Ram?! LIES! LIES AND DEFAMATIONS! HERESY! BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE! >:[
3423856 Huh, I thought that the British spelling of that word was with an s. I'll go ahead and change it.
3423891
I see you have seen V for Cendetta, correct?
-Lightning
what are the replacements for the wonder bolts in this world because i haven't heard rainbow chav talk about them
Correction: “What a dreadful rest’runt,” the pony screamed in a Scottish accent. “All they serve here is hay. My food took an hour to get here. And don’t even get me started on the kitchen.”
Gordon Ramsey doesn't say things he YELLS THEM!
3423918 Same.