He strikes like lighting and cuts like the cold wind, he is...Flash Sentry!
Flash Sentry is the most advanced cyborg ninja on the planet. Working for the Private Military Contractor (PMC), Hammer Strike, he fights for peace with his high frequency blade of Justice. But when he encounters the deadly Winds of Destruction, Flash learns that there are two wars to fight, the one for justice and the one within. Warning Coarse Language and suggestive themes found with in. Read at you Own Risk.
Based on the popular videogame, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.
Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Metal Gear Rising Revengeance. Both are properties of their respective owners. Any use of their characters, ideas etc is used only for this non profit story and any ideas original to this story are property of me the author. Please read and review. Enjoy.
3418187 Kind of. But rest easy knowing that Comet Tail will not nanomachine up in this story. Beyond that what did you think? Good, bad, terrible? Let me know and thanks for reading.
Well I have to applaud you on a couple things. The first being that you didn't choose Rainbow Dash to be Raiden. I've seen that too many times and it annoys me every time because the writer didn't apply any form of thought to character aside from "Oh John Joseco drew a pic of Dash as Raiden so I should do the same" while disregarding that Joseco is an awful artist who can draw the entirety of one face and relies on ecchi, and "X but with Ponies! :D" garbage to stay afloat.
But enough about my distaste for JJ. My second thing: you chose a hated character to step in the shoes of Raiden, who's also hated by people who are threatened by their homolust for Raiden. I like that, but I'll get into why it was a bad idea later.
Third, you chose Lightning Dust in the Sam role, though it'd honestly make more sense if Dash were Raiden becasue those two are already semi-rivals.
Anyway the story itself has some problems.
Number one being you chose Flash as the main character. People hate Flash because he has no personality, and frankly the personality you gave him was pretty generic action hero. If you're intent on Flash as a main character, give him a better personality.
Think about cool characters like, say, Dante from Devil May Cry. He is legitimately a cool guy. Loves pizza, strawberry sundaes, is funny, overall a bro. He's a great protagonist because he's the type of dude people wish they were or wish they could be with.
Look at Raiden. He's clearly unbalanced, but still snarky at points, he likes movies, loves his son, and overall is a neat guy except when he's JACK DA RIPPAH.
Even for a first chapter, Flash feels flat. In MGR, even if you hadn't played a Metal Gear game prior you could still tell some things about Raiden in the prologue. Flash on the other hand... uh, I saw that he swears kinda frequently and he likes Twilight. That last one is barely a character trait.
Number two is that it feels like a big wall because you don't double space paragraphs. Double spacing is a great thing to do, even after indenting paragraphs like you already have. Also, there's a few paragraphs with a lot of dialogue. Dialogue should be in its own separate paragraph.
Number three - a few grammatical and spelling flubs (one I noticed in particular was fifthteen).
Number four - some of the puns were kinda stretched. Rare-IT? Metal Gear Brae (mainly because it's Bray)? Boaris? Is he actually a boar? This was never stated but I'm assuming he is.
The fifth problem - and this is a doozy - is that in a lot of places you didn't bother changing dialogue/situations from the game, you just ripped it straight out of the game. The fun of a crossover is deciding what to change and what to keep. Right now it feels exactly like the game but with ponies instead of people.
Essentially, you made it Earth with Ponies instead of Equestria with Cyborgs like it should be. There's lots of ways to make it feel more MLP-esque. I'd recommend stuff like hot air balloons/airships in lieu of tiltrotors, magitek instead of nanotech/cyborg tech, etc. Also I'd recommend scrapping the part where Flash zandatsu's a Bandito. Zandatsu wasn't a thing until after Raiden got his new body which is why you can't use it in the prologue chapter.
Also, I couldn't tell but is Rare-IT supposed to be rarity but an AI instead of a pony? I might've missed something
Now I have one final suggestion that you may or may not like: Ditch Flash and use Lightning Dust as the main character. My reasoning is two fold: One, Raiden means Lightning. Two, Lightning Dust isn't as hated as Flash. You'll actually get traction with a Lightning Dust cyborg fic, while you'll languish with a Flash cyborg fic. I'd say to swap the two, put Flash in Sam's place, or maybe bring in Dash as the Sam role.
Like i said, people don't like Flash and a Flash-centric fic will likely not do well.
Geez that was longer than I thought it'd be. Maybe I should get an editor just for reviews like this one.
3418553 First thanks for reading and leaving such a long and well thought out comment.
To address your major concern, my use of Flash as the main character. I understand completely that Flash is a very much reviled character but I chose Flash despite that and wished to try and develop his character into one that is hopefully liked. I understand his character comes off as generic action hero, but I assure you that I've put thought and effort into both Flash's past, how it made him as character and how what has happened will develop him. I understand that there are some problems with him as a dynamic character but if your willing to continue along this fic, I hope to show you what Flash is like.
As for your second point, its just the formatting style I use, if I get more complaints I'll go back and do double spacing it.
Number three, thanks for telling me. I'll be sure to look for more when I do another read through.
Number Four. The puns, though stretching, are just part of my sense of humour and actually are meant to be part of the world of the story. I an understand that they are not everyone's
And as for your 'doozy'. Yes I understand that I have recreated the first level of the game almost exactly and that was my intent. I can see how that would be considered bad I assure you that I'm not just gonna be following the game as closely in future chapters. I just felt that the first level of the game worked effectively for my story and kept the key moments and dialogues unchanged cause I felt they worked even in this new context and for later context in my story. I intend to stay relatively close in terms of dialogue in terms certain moments but situations and locations may be completely different. I've created new enemy types that Flash would fight with interesting and unique abilities drawn from both the MLP and Metal Gear universes and crafted the story so that though certain moments do occur like they do in the game, they do so because I felt they fit with in my new narrative.
As for your suggestion of Lighting Dust as my protagonist as Flash. I can see the possibilities of where that could lead but I have invested a great deal of time in effort into thinking through the crossover world that this story takes place in and to exchange Flash with Lightning would be completely out of the question. I appreciate your thoughts but I'm on the path that I am on.
I thank you again for your insightful comment and I'm sorry you were displeased with my work. I, myself will stand by what I have written as it was written how I intended it to be. I do hope you come back to this again and give it another chance to surprise you, if not I thank you for giving me some food for thought. See you in Brighter Days!
3418685 Good to know someone is happy!
3418662
yeah, I can understand that. Getting a good grasp on a character in the first chapter is typically a hard thing to do. I don't think I've ever done it at all.
Also i'm not displeased. It's solid, just not something I'd continue to read or vote on. I'm just a roving reviewer who's too lazy to write actual fics.
I like it! A few things were unclear, but I pretty much figured it out. I love this whole concept because the game is so unashamedly insane, and adding MLP to it just makes it that much better. I cracked up at your choice of replacement for Sundowner. It is in hindsight, of course, the only logical choice. Looking forward to see how this develops differently than the game.
3423763 Thanks for the comment bro
Glad you liked it. Yeah, I've picked some interesting replacements for all the characters. And if you thought the game was over the top and insane then you should see what I have planned for...the next chapter
See you in Brighter Days!
Honestly, as part of the minority that actually likes Flash and being a fan of Metal Gear Rising, I love this already!
NO!!!!!!! TWILIGHT!
This... this has gotta be one, if not the, of the most badass Sentry stories I've ever read.