changed my name to keep people from finding this lol
Twilight can't sleep. It's not stress, or the fact that the ponies in the Equestrian Council have been horrible at passing the new budget proposal. No, it's something much deeper, something that only one pony can help her with. But she doesn't realize she needs help until it is eating away at her mind.
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Was the reference necessary? It won't last in time, those not following US politic won't probably understand it and you are only reminding people of something that is probably (not living in the US) very uncomfortable.
Also, the reader may want to think that Equestria being no democracy, the princesses could solve the thing the way they want anytime.
So in other words, you want her voice to be kind of perfect. It isn't necessarily what you wanted to say, but that is what I read: "I'll take what is good in both and mix them to make it perfect". I can see you want to show that Twilight has become a princess "full time", but you may be going a little too far with this.
And now I'm a little confused about what you what you wanted to do with Twilight. But this probably hardly even matters, let's see what the rest of the story is about. I'll stop caring about details.
Wait, it has only been four days, no? ... oh yeah, detail...
Sorry, but this seems like the worst reason to give someone. Twilight may be thinking it's worth it, but why would Celestia say it so directly? She could have said "for Equestria" or "for your future".
“
Wait, what? Ooookay...
I'm not sure to understand there... She is the princess personal student. How can she be worried about money? Even more as a scholarship is used to study. So she is worried that if she studies, she might not be allowed the means to study?
Maybe friendship is being seen as a greater prerequisite in that time, but it isn't clearly stated in the story.
***
Well, to be honest, the beginning and ending of the story are good. But:
- the long discussion tends to feel like it's going forever, mostly because I (personnally) have a hard time understanding what Twilight can be feeling. (which is ironic, seing how I did have a tendency to focus on my studies and actually still do it right now)
- the references to the real world do not seem to go with the story, as they don't add much to it in terms of coherence. You speak of US politic (and one of the worst part of it), but your story isn't about politic or bad stuff, or stubborn people, etc... You speak about people going to prostitute themselves into clubs and I'm still not sure what to make of it.
- you introduce a character that will never be heard of again (Golden, a guard for all I can remember. Why not Spike at that moment? Why create a new character? I'm not obligatory against it, but that seems odd and, once again, is kind of confusing).
- I'm still not sure what the moral of the story is.
On that last point, I'll try to elaborate a little more. I felt, while reading, like you were trying to "correct" some stuff from the show (mostly your vision of Twilight). By the way, the idea of making the princesses use "sister" when speaking to each other is a very interesting concept.
You basically made Twilight accept the fact she hadn't lost her time studying all this time, which I, personnally, was already convinced of, seing how:
- you can't change the past
- she has acquiered a lot of skills and knowledge she needs
- she has enjoyed it a lot
Then you speak about friendship and Starswirl and how the princesses won't be there anymore afterwards, which isn't related anymore to the question of knowing if having lived as a reclused was a good thing or not (as a concept).
In other words, you probably had an idea of what message you wanted to tell there, but there is a lot of stuff coming at the same time and I'm unable to find out what this was all really about. In my opinion, this could use a little more focus. In that I mean you had the material for three stories:
- Twilight accepting to have "wasted" her time beforehands.
- Luna, Celestia and Starswirl's relation and the whole question of friendship.
- Twilight's immortality and new reponsibility as a ruler
Mixing those three also means you told us everything through characters talking (telling us what happened, or what is, or what was) instead of you directly telling us the stories your characters are referencing to (like through a "text flashback"...).
This makes your story some sort of "let's debate a concept" more than a conventional story (where the idea would have been to show what the character are talking about, and not just let those character talk about it).
But a debate, in order to be entertaining for the reader, must be self explanatory and "guide" the reader. You can challenge him, but he shouldn't have to litterally analyze your text to find out what you wanted to tell him.
I actually did enjoy it. I think it has big flaws, but the beginning and ending made it entertaining enough. Something as simple as:
That the stuff I like a lot.
In order to sum up the whole "critic" I wrote:
- I feel you try to put too much stuff in one basket (references, characters, new ideas, morals, etc...)
- still, most of that stuff (mostly the new ideas) are good or interesting.
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Thanks for commenting! I don't get a lot of people commenting on my work a lot (recently....) so I'll take some time to explain a little bit.
I feel like I screwed up on most of the references and stuff, but I also feel like adding a little more stuff there was a good idea. The Equestrian Council reference was actually to the French Revolution and the National Assembly, but I guess that doesn't really matter.
I was trying to make her voice into something that would eccentuate both the night and the day, since she is the one who creates the color in the sunrise and sunset. (Got this idea from S1E2, where when Celestia returns there is no color in her sunrise)
I wanted to make her coronation pushed forward in the story so it would give her less time to think and more time to not.... sleep...? I don't really know
. But anyway, I wanted to make the "blocked memories" about her time in Ponyville where she was locked in her room, worrying about the princesses and what she spent her life on.
Celestia says that she did this for a reason, for me, because she was her student. The reason Twilight tried so hard was to please Celestia, and no one else (not even herself, evident in many of the episodes, yet trying to make this canon was very difficult).
The whole "Canterlotian Culture" thing was because of Twilight's first statement, how she wished she could go down into the nightlife scene. I thought it was a nice throwback but I guess not
.
Yeah I didn't really think the scholarship though, and now I'm an idiot. I'll edit it later.
Anyway, thanks for your comments! I feel like I should have spent more time working on this, but I think it's been getting enough comments saying what I can do to improve my future writing. Thanks!
*kiss*
3411241
Well, I did learn the french revolution in french, so I will use that as an excuse to not have got it
.
Okay. Still, even if Celestia had acknowledged it and accepted it as an objective fact, there are very few chances that she would tell it like that. Saying that Twilight did everything she had done for Celestia should have to be said through Twilight herself, or from the narrator.
Well, it just got really creepy
, but the idea itself wasn't too bad. I was just surprised to suddenly see prostitution out of nowhere in the world of ponies. Nothing much against legal non forced prostitution (on a conceptual level at least), but this is very unexpected form ponies.
Mmmmh... I guess reading it again the next day would have helped solve most of the "problems" (if we consider them as real problems) I've pointed out. And if you still wouldn't have seen them, well... it could also mean that they aren't such big "problems".
My pleasure (I'm trying to make it a principle to comment when I read something anyway... so no need to thank me). Keep on having fun
.
The only problem I have is that Twi is calling Luna "Sister". If this really takes place only a few days after her coronation, I doubt Twi would feel comfortable enough to call Luna that. Otherwise good job.
3411613
You do have a point. I think that since Twilight studies so well she has kind of been assimilated by the royal sisters, and Cadance being her sister (in the legit sense), so she is used to calling a princess "sister."
I don't care what you think of Equestria Girls, but the middle of a serious story is no place to take a gratuitous potshot at it. Really destroys the immersion.
3412069
Actually, I quite liked EQG. The story wasn't too good, but I wanted to say that because I think that on hindsight Luna and Celestia would realize that going into another world on a mission, with a DUPLICATE copy of the elements would kind of set a lot of stuff off-balance.
Therefore it would be irrelevant and "quite frankly stupid."