Looks like you managed to finish your challenge on time. 50k words is nothing to sneeze at; congrats, eh?

I'm not sure it's possible but somehow this ending feels both epic and anti-climactic at the same time... Hilarious story and I'm glad you met your writing requirement for nanowrimo

Are you going to make more stories for those DLCs?

That is how you end a story right there lads, great work you just earned a follower.

Hmmm, okay I think I can say my piece now that it's finished. {Please do not take offense or be hurt by any of the following words. These are just my opinions.

Now as I said before, I tend to skip Fallout stories cause their grimdark. I actually tried skipping this one. Mainly cause I read the description and I thought. This is going to be a story about an unsympathetic character who just spews random swear words and references. Eventually, I just gave it a chance and I was pleasantly surprised. It got me hooked and I wanted more.

But there were problems.

1: Too much action. Now don't get me wrong. You write great battle sequences. Each one is unique and has its own flavor. The problem is that both the characters and us don't get much breathing space in between battles. Its like you were on a sugar{battle} high and you kept pumping out the stuff you liked. And it was good, but it did little to build characters.

2: Character interactions and development. This involves the too much action problem. There wasn't enough slice of life, breathing moments. We didn't get to see the characters interact, to grow. And that's what I wanted to see.
Now as I said, this is the fourth Fallout fanfic I read.
The first was 'Fallout: Pink Eyes'
The second was 'Rangers of Wintertrot'
and the third was a Snowdrop Fallout fic. {Never got to the outside world sadly.}

In Fallout: Pink Eyes, Puppysmiles was very similar to Atom. Both wanted to have fun and in the end didn't learn anything. But Puppysmiles didn't need to learn anything. She herself was someone of change. She made everyone elses lives better and helped them become better people. She showed them what kindness can do.

With Wintertrot, the main character, A tech-obsessed, young Steel Ranger, has to learn and grow to become a leader himself {after losing all his squadmates}
{I suggest giving those fics a read. They are very good.}

Atom Smasher never grows, and she doesn't really help others become better. She just shoots stuff. Which isn't bad, but by the end, I wanted her to become better. I wanted her to learn that life isn't all just about shooting, explosions, and killing. I wanted her to learn the fundamental lesson that the very show itself teaches. Friendship.
We kind of get that with Snowy, but in all honesty, I could attribute her anger as child's. She lost her favorite toy, gets angry, and then forgets about it. Nothing special. Which does irk me.

Stars. Now she is an interesting character. I love her, but sadly, she's pushed aside. She doesn't really get a moment to really shine {other then her recruitment chapters}. We barely get to see her own self and perspective and that irks me to no end. I wanted to see Atom and Stars actually bond, become close and have a sort of love/hate, friend/sister like relationship. But no, we don't get that. It's the Atom Smasher fic. {Sorry for saying that, but it's true.}
We see little tid-bits of bonding and they were heartwarming, but just...not enough.

Snowy. Loved him, but again, underused. His death was moving. It really was and I hated to see him go...but it could have been so much more heart wrenching if we got some scenes of him and Atom bonding, playing games, fetch even. And what's more, why not a few scenes of Stars and him bonding. Let her get a attacked too. {Might be a way for Atom and Stars to bond as well, through the group pet.}

And then there's House.....What can I say about him?...No seriously, what can I say about him. He throws explosive cards. Oddly, they have more personality then him. When I first saw him, I thought you were going to do a sort of cowboy-Gambit. You know, a womanizer-or-gruff guy. Nope. He's just the card throwing guy...He was boring.

And then there were the salesponies that gave Atom the darts. When I first read them, I thought this fic was going to follow the exploits of these two with Atom tagging along causing mischief herself or bailing them out of a problem they caused...No they died soon after...Huh. Then they are ghosts....Huh. Which is shortly forgotten. Okay.

Well, there's also the villains. They weren't memorable really. Atom kind of tunes them out, and they get killed. {It's not even funny tuning out, like Spiderman does to mess with his villains.}

3: Character thrusting. One chapter Atom's with the group, and the next, she's captured by someone...And we never see it happen. Nor do we get to see the group actually working/talking together without her. This is only a nitpic.

4: And you may say, 'but she's acting like a regular gamer'. That's what the description says, but I have a little brother who lives by games. And he loves them for both the action and the story. Actually, he prefers a good story, cause he'll go on and on about them afterwards. So yeah, when someone says a gamer, I think of my little brother. {Not the gamers who just skip cutscenes and such. There's not fun in that and Atom seems to be in that category.}

I know you made this fic for a challenge and it's good, but it could have been so much better.
Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed it. It was a fun ride and experience. I'm just saying my two cents.

Awesome. I've thoroughly enjoyed everything this story brought and reading the new chapters everyday after work quickly became something I looked forward to.

So, yeah thanks for writing this story.

3562240 Most of these are valid points. If I was writing this as a sincere fic, it would be a bit more about the friction between Atom and Stars and how they influence each other as kind of opposite ends of the hero spectrum (chaotic and lawful respectively), Snowy's death would be a big turning point for Atom's character, Sand Dollar and Hard Sell might have a bigger role as recurring characters, Full House might have been axed during editing because I was thinking by the end "y'know he's actually done less than Xena in these last few chapters", the villains would be more fleshed out, and the whole thing would be a little less schizophrenic.

However, this is not a sincere fic. It is a work of satire.

With your points made, I ask that you consider them again in comparison with the original Fallout Equestria. A lot of the main characters and events are carefully constructed to highlight some of the follies of the original. Spoilers for FOE in the following paragraph if you haven't read it! Littlepip is a dick who never really grows as a character. Velvet Remedy whines an awful lot. Calamity isn't very interesting beyond his initial description. Xenith is so flat she might as well be a poster. Steel Hooves' death could have been important, but it kind of wasn't. Homage never stops praising Pip despite the fact that she just goes around murdering people. The Enclave are moustache-twirling nazis in power armour with a firm grip on the villain ball and no real agenda. The whole story threw you from place to place introducing things that may or may not be relevant at all. The plot doesn't show up til chapter 25. Though I guess this nuance is lost on you if you didn't read the original.

I wrote this story to prove a point, and that's the point that if you took all the angst out of FoE and retagged it as comedy, it could be a delicious satire on how some video games go out of their way to let you be a dick and still get the hero's praise at the end of the day, and how little sense that actually makes.

3562118 I might eventually do them as 10,000 word short stories appended to this or in their own story, but if I do, it won't be for a while.

WE NEED MORE FEELZz
apart from that though all I can really say is it needs to have learned something! Maybe not meaningful or any of that but SOMETHING!

P.S. Plz do the pirate or steel radigater DLC

3563238 Now that you've pointed all of that out, this is even funnier. I hadn't caught all of those! You might want to preserve that explanation in a more visible place, such as at the end of the story, so that no-one misses it...

Still, this is an excellent fic. Thanks for writing it, and I'm looking forward to your next.

Bravo! T'was a fun ride through and through!

3563238 Oh....Well I never read the original Fallout: Equestria, so I couldn't pick up on this as a satire of it. {Sorry}

I myself love a good satire and overall, this does feel more of a satire then a stand alone fic. I'm not a stranger to it and kind of did it in my own fic 'Chrysalis's little Rush'.

And I apologize for jumping to conclusions. It's just that after Snowy's death, the problems just came forward and hit me. (Actually, they are pretty much thrown into the readers face all afterwards.) I actually spent a few hours thinking over my thoughts on this fic before I wrote my review. {That's why it's so big...though I could have made it bigger.} That's probably the longest I've ever spent mulling over a fic. I just didn't know how to take it and how I should type my thoughts without seeming harsh and mean. I hope I did so. {If not, I apologize again.}

Still, I said before, it's enjoyable, but not perfect.

3563574 Oh, I love criticism! I'd have welcomed you being as harsh as you like, because I have a thick skin when it comes to these things, and it's only by pointing out the flaws that writers improve. It's also a good lesson in what goes into making a good story. I'll even admit myself that the ending is a bit rushed because I was cramming to finish it by the end of the month, and I kinda ran out of plot points. Despite the satire, the villains could have done with more screentime and being thought through a bit more. When I started writing, Bravehorse didn't have a name, Queen May XII didn't even exist, and Cyfeirnod (Showffield guy) was literally made up on the spot to give the slavers a face. (He was also just a rapid, lazy ponification of Saruman. "Cyfeirnod" is Welsh for "reference".)

Furthermore, by taking the time to think about it, you weren't jumping to conclusions at all! Most stories should be able to stand up on their own merit. You only have the content of the text to go on, and your own experience to draw reference from. There is the danger when you make something that relies heavily on reference that a lot of people won't get it, and while I hoped to have still made this entertaining even without the context, the amount of people who get the full benefit of context is still going to be rather narrow.

Anyway, thanks for reading and giving your thoughts, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope to take the experience of this to do better next time I write a thing!

SPOILERS

Littlepip is a dick who never really grows as a character. Velvet Remedy whines an awful lot. Calamity isn't very interesting beyond his initial description. Xenith is so flat she might as well be a poster. Steel Hooves' death could have been important, but it kind of wasn't. Homage never stops praising Pip despite the fact that she just goes around murdering people.

I could kiss you. And I would, if I meet you IRL. Because this is yestruecorrect.

umm what happened to those ghost ponies? you wrote them in but then left them?

Well, that ate most of my day. Time well spent.

PIRATES OF, UM, AMBLESEY: The wild north Whelsh coast only got wilder after the war, with clans of raiders taking to the seas to pillage the settlements on the shores! Will you curb the corsairs or join forces with them for ever greater plunder? Pirates? I am fucking there!

Dude. I fucking love you. This tiny paragraph is the tits.

I now demand a sequel involving Welsh pony pirates with libelous amounts of stupidity, violence and epic!!!

So I was just thinking about this, and wanted to ask: Were the infamous exploits of Reginald Cuthbert some of the inspiration behind Atom Smasher? Because they have surprisingly similar personalities...

3575677 Never heard of him, actually! I couldn't find him in a quick search either. Nah, Atom Smasher began life as an experiment to make a sociopathic character for a dark RP board, and then later got ported to FoE for this story.

What? No getting the girl and enveloping Star in a deep compassionate kiss for no good reason and despite the fact she despises Atom?

I am very mildly disappointed. 0/10 It was okay.

3577598
Ah, well then! Allow me to introduce you to one of my favorite internet shows/youtube channels, Spoiler Warning! Basically, they play games they like, with one player (Usually a crit-stacking munchkin dedicated to breaking the game named Josh) plays the game, and the rest (usually) discuss the game, the easter eggs, and the themes and message of the game itself. Then they throw all of that out, and begin making cringe-worthy puns.
I'd personally recommend starting with their Elevator: Source video, which works fairly well as a standalone sample, but the whole Reginald Cuthbert bit is originally from their Fallout 3 Let's Play, and gets carried into their Fallout: New Vegas run. You'll see why I started seeing similarities pretty quickly.

3577624 Fine, here's your alternate ending.
gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/f4e5b0978cdac78fd94aacf733dc7317/tumblr_mxagatQcIN1r9ovfeo1_500.gif

3578112

Beautiful. *teary eyes*

3577780
Don't forget the Fallout 3 drinking game of fun and alcohol poisoning.
Spreadsheets are magic

"I didn't learn anything."

Stay gold, peggy girl.

This is a lot better than it has any right to be. Not only it works perfectly well as straight parody, it is also a good critique of its typical tropes, while being an honest novel set in the FoE universe. Yes, it is completely ridiculous, and eschews drama for comedy - even when the character is clearly moping - but there is always the feeling that these thing could happen in the Wasteland.

I think that is because the setting, for all the ridiculousness, is pretty solid. The overly pompous Scolts, the irrationally villainous Enclave, the hooligan Raiders, everything feels like it would belong to a less serious FoE story.

Also, Atom's fourth wall breaking was sufficiently subdued to not get in your face, and that is pretty rare to see. All in all, everything worked, so this is a very nice story. Thanks for writing it!

I cried a little when Snowy died. And then a small part inside of me died. He was my favorite character.

3563342 Now done in pictorial form. This is linked in Author's Notes at the end of the story.

3754878 That's a nice addition, but on that page I can't see the explanation you originally gave in the comments. The picture's another good reference but it doesn't fully replace the excellent text explanation. I'd suggest keeping it around...

3756010 The explanation is just a bit coarse, I think, and I like letting people put the pieces together themselves rather than directly calling it out, unless I think it's really important. Though I may take elements of that explanation and find a place for them.

3756103 OK then. I thought I'd just tell you my experience, though: that I got the the end of the story, thought "That was good. Nice parody." I then read your comment and finally got some of the parodies that I would never, ever have realised without the explanation. All that funny stuff hitting me at once, and the realisation of the extra layers, raised my opinion of this story a lot.

Just something to think about; certainly it might spoil it for a few if you list the parodies at the end, but far, far more people will be happy to see it - otherwise, they'd just move on to another story and never get all of the jokes. I'm certain that I would have...

3756148 Hm. I'll have to reconsider it!

I'm kind of disappointed.
Not by the story, but by the fact that Seraphem didn't show up anywhere in the comments.
I miss that unique brand of condescension / whining. It's like watching an insect with most of its legs pulled off.

An amazingly satisfying ending: that was unexpected!

3855505 I KNEW YOU'D FIND SOME KIND OF FETISH FUEL IN HERE.

I think this ending chapter has been one of the most confusing experiences I have ever enjoyed.
Or. Something.
YAY.

You know, out of the countless dozens (wow, a oxymoron!) of FoE stories I have read, this by far is #1, even surpassing the original. The original FoE and all the side stories never felt truly like Fallout to me. No dark humor, no silliness, just grimdark, grimdark, and even more grimdark shoved right up your ass. Basically, it wasn't fun stories to read. But this, this right here is a true Fallout crossover. It kept the core elements of the game, gave them an original spin in the story, and truly made it an enjoyable and funny reading experience. Can't wait to see what else you have.

...Atom is the kind of gamer I despise: just goes around being a giant assmunch and ignoring everything.

But seriously, I had fun with this fic and congrats on making over 50k for you challenge! I love me some parody. (I personally really like FoE, but I'm so not above making fun of shit I like. ) I think that if there's any real problem here, it's that some parody stuff just falls kinda flat. (I don't remember which, but I was so hoping that Atom would want to make Stars as horrifically violent as possible. Dunno why, but I did.) Also, the fact that this did resemble Fallout was just a super bonus to me, cause who doesn't love them some grimdark humor?

Seriously, awesome job dude.

P.S. OK, Fallout + Pirates? FUCKING YES THANK YOU
P.P.S. Calamity is, ironically, my favorite character from FoE (even if I do like LittlePip as well).

Ahh, I always wondered about canine companions. Its always "fetch the ball boy! Fetch it!" Then you look at the shape of a grenade. Thank you for making my fears about dogmeat a reality.

Writing my own Fo:E fic right now and you'd be surprised how much this helped me out by pointing out painfully-obvious things that the original fic and others have breezed over or ignored.

Not to mention it was pretty hilarious! Hopin to see more of Atom Smahser in these "DLCs".

4090848 You're profile pic is amazing. ._.

4234421

Thanks.

Bravo. An amusing read that knew when it was done and didn't drag on into eternity. Plus, it was really consistent, especially with the ending. I loved how irreverent it was. Not the best story ever, but hey, my time reading it was well-spent. Thanks!

4494534 Aha, a "good but not the best"! What do you think I could improve on?

4498738
I found that about 2/3 of the way through the style started to get a little repetitive; what I mean by that is that Atom has that very distinctive tone when narrating that is funny but starts to get old after a bit, and I started to skim the occasional sentence or paragraph. Not much else I had to complain about, really.

I have discovered art.

Well I've just gobbled this fic up in probably less than a day and I gotta say...good job.

The critiques of FOE in the note at the end there I agree with pretty strongly, although I still can't stop liking that fic for some reason.

As far as feedback goes most of the stuff I have is really subjective. Possibly the biggest thing I can think of is that this fic feels a bit split between mocking FOE and mocking the Fallout games, and it might work better if it focused on one.

Still, it was quite good. Gets my seal of approval.

Pffff. Hah. Of all the ridiculous perks to actually use here, you take the Capture The Flag one?

Though I guess you did use the Damage Against Queens one. Even though it was largely redundant by that point

3563238

I wrote this story to prove a point, and that's the point that if you took all the angst out of FoE and retagged it as comedy, it could be a delicious satire on how some video games go out of their way to let you be a dick and still get the hero's praise at the end of the day, and how little sense that actually makes.

Well, for a complete satire comedy version of FO:E, the death of Snowy did give me some serious feels...

btw, in case you didn't see it on the irc... small correction:
> Just put on a show of being a badass, he reached around and pulled the flagpole out of his own body.
Think that should be "Just [to] put on a show"

4932749

Yeah, but aside from that one and 'dogs returning thrown objects', nothing mentioned in the perks ever came up.

4933549
Oh, really? Like how the "flying 50% faster while holding a flag" wasn't obviously used in the last chapter?

PS: small hint... people get no notification of replies if you post your reply in a different chapter than the original post (and, replying on the story entry counts, since that adds it to the last chapter). I just noticed this reply by accident when checking out the story entry again.

4935811

I'm just going from the story page, because that's where clicking the link to the post you made takes me.

Not my fault the site's setup is very silly.

Also, it's been, like, months since I read this. I forgot one. Sue me. XD