Wilted Roses
Beep. Beep. Beep.
That familiar sound assaulted Rarity’s eardrums as she entered the hospital room. She sighed as she looked at the bed in the center of the room. That beeping never changed. Never. He was always so peaceful looking. If she didn’t know any better, she might have thought that he had just gotten tired and decided to lay down in a hospital bed and rest. She knew better though.
The doctor in the corner of the room snapped to attention as he heard the clopping of hooves behind him. He set down his clipboard on the table beside the bed.
“Miss Rarity, I presume?” He turned around and looked at her. He sighed and shook his head, noticing the fresh bouquet of roses that she held in her magical grasp. “Roses, Miss Rarity? You can go ahead and put them over there with the others.” The brown stallion pointed to a corner in the room and Rarity obeyed, gently laying the flowers down by her beloved’s bedside.
“Yes, doctor. How is he today? Any signs of progress? Do you have any idea when he’ll be waking up?” So many questions were running through Rarity’s mind as she shifted her gaze over to the tiny form in the bed. She couldn’t even remember anymore when she’d last seen him standing, smiling, or going on trips with her and the girls.
The doctor cleared his throat and shook his head. His brows drooped, and his voice was laced with a sorrowful pity. “Miss Rarity, he’s…” The stallion paused. He’d seen this same scene so many times. The denial. The denial was always the worst part of his job. He shuffled his weight anxiously on his hooves as he struggled to find the best way to ease her into it.
“Miss Rarity, it’s highly unlikely that Spike is going to wake up. The swelling in his brain has finally receded, but… At this point…” The doctor bit his bottom lip. He had to phrase this very carefully. “It’s almost certain that he’s suffered severe brain damage. It’s been months now, and even if he were to wake up from this somehow, he wouldn’t be the same dragon that you knew before. He probably wouldn’t even be capable of moving or speaking.”
The stallion cleared his throat as he watched Rarity’s expression go from hopeful and cheery to devastated in an instant. Everyday. Everyday it was the same thing. The same shocked expression. He only hoped that he could get through to her.
“B-but doctor, surely there has to be something you can do to fix this? Some kind of magic that you could use to fix him? There has to be something. Anything!” Rarity was begging at this point, gripping his neck with her forehooves.
“I’m afraid not, Miss Rarity. I’m sorry. I truly am. Spike was a good friend of mine, but… It wouldn’t be living anymore. We don’t even know if he’ll survive, and there are other patients that need the room.”
Rarity took her hooves off of the stallion and stepped back. Her face was full of disgust and loathing at his suggestion. “Surely you can’t be saying that you want me to… to kill him! You know that I can’t just do that to him. No. I won’t do it.” Rarity shook her head vigorously as she looked at the resting dragon in the center of the room. Various machines were hooked up to his body, beeping and whirring as they regulated his bodily functions and kept him alive.
“Rarity…” The doctor placed his hoof on her shoulder and patted her. “I know this is hard, but Miss Sparkle has already signed the papers. With you being his significant other, I only need your signature and we can—”
“No.” Rarity slapped the doctor and strode over to Spike’s beside. She maneuvered her forelegs around all of the wires and hugged his still body. “I will not give up on him. Now doctor, if you please, I’d like to perform the session now. I don’t have very much time to spend with him today. And I’d kindly appreciate if you didn’t bring up such taboo topics around him again.”
“Rarity, with the state of his brain, it’s just not safe for—” He stopped speaking as she glared at him. Her beautiful blue eyes were hollow inside, and the last spark of hope that he’d seen in them earlier had been snuffed off. Perhaps he was finally beginning to break through.
“Alright. You have one hour.” The stallion watched as Rarity nodded and pressed her head up to Spike’s. He felt the magic build in his horn and release, shooting outward into Rarity’s skull with a blue-green glow. Suddenly, she fell onto the bed beside him, unmoving.
Always the same. Everyday, it’s the same…
Rarity awoke with a start. She shook her head and looked at the room around her; it appeared to be an exact replica of the hospital room she’d just been in. Those same sterile-white walls and ceiling. That same grey floor. But the doctor was nowhere to be seen, nor were the roses, and the sun shone brightly through the window.
Something else was off though. The bed in the center of the room was empty. Instead, a tall young dragon stood at the window, gazing longingly at the sun outside. Rarity made her way over to him and grabbed him from behind by the waist.
“Rarity.” His voice was sharp and clear, cutting through the eerily silence of the empty room. As he turned from the window, Rarity noticed that he had a deep frown on his face. His eyes were sunken in from lack of rest, and his arms hung tiredly by his sides.
“Spikey Wikey! I’ve missed you so much!” Rarity reached up and gave him a firm kiss on the lips. Her head tilted as she passionately pressed her lips against his. It was almost as if she were afraid that if she let go of him, that he’d just become ethereal and float away. She stopped as she realized that her lover was not returning her passionate kiss.
“Rarity, stop. You just saw me yesterday. Just… please. Stop.” Spike turned and went back to staring at the window. His eyes traced the movements ofbutterflies fluttering through the air. He longed to open the window and let some fresh air into the stagnant room. Yet he knew that he could never see the outside again. Never again would he feel fresh air enter his lungs.
“S-Spikey? Is something wrong?” Rarity wrapped her hooves around his waist again in a more gentle embrace.
“Yes, Rarity. Just…” Spike sighed as he turned around and looked into Rarity’s beautiful blue eyes.
So much pain. So much sadness.
He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. He sighed as he brushed a loose strand of hair from her purple mane. It no longer had its beautiful, eloquent curls. Instead, it was frazzled and dirty. Her once glowing coat was now a dull cream color, and her eyes were sunken in from sadness.
“Rarity, you can’t keep doing this. This? It isn’t real. None of this is real, Rarity. I can hear everything they say out there. The doctor said that I won’t be waking up, and… I think he’s right. I can’t even open the window anymore, Rarity.” Spike ran his hand through her mane, attempting to straighten out the strands of hair. “You know I love you, Rarity.”
Rarity pushed him away and stared into his eyes. Those bright blue orbs seemed to cut into his soul.
“Spike, what are you saying? This is real! We’re here together! I can touch you! I can see you! We can be together here again! Isn’t that what you want?” Her breath was shallow and fast, as if she were struggling to catch it.
“Rarity, you can’t keep doing this everyday. It’s dangerous, and you know it. I mean, syncing your brainwaves to mine? When I’m like this? What if you get stuck here and you can’t wake up? You have family. You have friends. You have Sweetie to think about. What would she do without you, Rarity?”
“B-but Spike, you have friends and f—”
“No. Rarity. I’m never going to wake up again. You have real people to care about. I just… I can’t live like this anymore.” Spike moved over to Rarity and cupped his hand under Rarity’s face. He looked straight into her eyes as he spoke. “I can’t stand watching you suffer. I love you, Rarity. I love you so much…”
He wiped his eyes as they began to get misty. “I can’t watch you keep coming every day like this. You don’t do anything with the girls anymore. All you do is come here and spend time with me in this imaginary world. I can't watch you suffer like this, Rarity. Your happiness is more important to me than anything. Even my own life. I’ve been speaking with Twilight. I know I didn’t bring it up yesterday, but… I want you to pull the plug, Rarity. There will be others out there for you.”
“B-but Spike… I love you! I can’t just give up on you! That wouldn’t be right! I can’t leave you alone. Not after all you’ve done for me. I can’t just… let you die…” Rarity was now back on her hooves, tears trickling in a steady stream down her face.
“I know you can’t. You blame yourself for what happened. I can see it in your eyes. But it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have seen that carriage, Rarity. Nopony could have guessed that me volunteering for you would end in like that. I don’t want you to blame yourself for it. I know you think you’re being generous by staying with me and loving me, but it’s only hurting you and everypony else. They want you to let go. They want you to move on. Think about those ponies that need this room, Rarity.”
Spike sighed and leaned down to meet Rarity at eye level. He stooped in and gave her a kiss. Gentle at first, but soon his tongue was gently probing her mouth. She gladly allowed him entrance as their tongues began to explore each others’ mouths. Then, just like that, the passionate moment was over. Spike leaned back, tears flowing down his face.
“That’s why I need to do this for you. We’re done, Rarity. This relationship is over. I want you to tell the doctor to pull the plug. If you don’t, I will when Twilight comes tomorrow.” Spike sighed and closed his eyes. The muscles in his head strained with effort, and suddenly Rarity felt herself floating away.
Rarity awoke with a start, gently raising her body off of Spike’s. The doctor shot up, startled by her sudden reappearance.
“Rarity, you’re almost thirty minutes early? He kicked you out? What happe—”
“Do it.” Rarity’s voice was shaky and uncertain through the tears. “Pull the plug. He doesn’t want this anymore.” She ran from the room before she could change her mind, leaving the doctor in a stupor. Before she left completely, she turned to get one last look at Spike. She noticed her bouquet of roses in the corner. That would be all that was left of her visits with him.
All that would remain was a pile of wilted roses in the corner of the room and memories of a love that never was.
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I kind of like how we both had flowers as a theme for this competition.
damn my feels......
3400677
You just gave me one of the best laughs I have had in a long time, thank you.
I am legit crying right now
nice and sad, as well as very well done
Yes! That is awesome! Though I didn't cry but I did feel something. Good story man, good story.
nope. i just can't read this. i'm not thaaat masochist... just seing that Rarity's sad face... oh gosh, no.
Spike giving up just like that?
HELL NO!!!!
The feels, man. So many feels.
2000 words dead. Not bad. Short of course, but well written and very sad
The feels.... Uuuuuuf.... Poor Rarity and Spike.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Wilted Roses
Grammar score: 9 out of 10
)
If there was anything wrong with the story then it was beyond my skill to find.
Pros:
1)The feels. I felt them. I thought you portrayed the sadness of a dying loved one very well.
2)I thought the wording was very descriptive without being excessively wordy.
3)Both Rarity and Spike were portrayed quite well. I can easily imagine Spike being willing to sacrifice anything for Rarity. And I can easily see Rarity not wanting to let her "knight in scaly armor" go.
Cons:
1)I don't think that the ponies would pull the plug on anyone. They are just too caring and optimistic. I think that they would keep fighting and looking for a cure. I think that Spike would have just forbid Rarity from returning to his mind until he died or was cured.
2)I think there was a minor age issue. How old are they exactly? We know from the show that Spike is almost as old as Twilight and he is still a baby. In this story you make it seem like he was a teen dragon/young adult. So, when did he grow up?
3)It was too short. It wasn't rushed, just too short. I need more feels. (Sorry if this is kind of a sucky con but I can't find a better one
Notes: *Slowly claps*
Quite good, I enjoyed this immensely.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Facility 0013
I think I just died inside
poor spike
This review is brought to you on behalf of the "Authors Helping Authors" Group.
Name of story: "Wilted Roses"
Grammar score: 9 out of 10
This is a fresh peek through the eyes of those dealing with death. I think the stories palpability was strongest in Rarity's reactions and her constant denial. Even the doctor, who had to break the news to Rarity every single day, was a nice touch, as few of us can even fathom what doctors think when baring the bad news. However, while your sensory descriptions and character reactions were solid, I found the overall result to be toothless. Nearly everything you've described failed to resonate, and I was left with a disturbing amount to be desired.
Here is my analysis.
Pro: (1.) You have a firm grasp on showing without being excessive. I clearly envisioned your characters doing what you've described, and the need to skim was kept at a minimum. Which is something pretty rare for me. Showing emotions is a great way to spur the readers into discovering the reasons behind things, and you're clearly talented in that.
Pro: (2.) The Characters actually felt real. Your facial cues and bodily reactions in between dialogue was spot-on. Besides Rarity slapping the doctor, nothing in your characters seemed forced. Honestly, I think the strongest character depiction was Spike. It was deliciously clear that he was troubled the moment he entered the scene, which engraved the story's tone until the very end. Very, truly bittersweet.
Pro: (3.) I think showing Equestria's pity through 'mercy killing' was a decent direction to take. It presents an issue within the peaceful diarchy that could quickly undermine everything the Founders of Equestria strode to create: Love and Tolerance for all. That's what had me nodding by the end of this read; leaving me with a question that I could answer with my own disturbed imagination. Well done.
Now, brace yourself.
Con (1.) This story suffered a SEVERE lack of clarity. While I can appreciate a slow reveal, taking the reader through buildup and tension, the actual revelation behind everything was toneless and unclear. For starters, I would loved to see a paragraph or two describing how Rarity and Spike hooked up. More desired, was a clearer explanation of why Spike was in the hospital. The most we got was 'helping Rarity out' and 'a carriage'. The Hell happened with the carriage? Did it crash into his skull? Did it knock him down, bashing his head against a rock? Did he dive out of the way and bash his head against a rock? Without firm, direct, unswerving explanation of the events you've set, I cannot be made to fully care about your characters' situation. Now, I understand you had a word limit, but trust me, a story can be told in MANY forms. Some can even be told in 200 words. I cover that topic below.
Con (2.) This issue actually irritated me. Next to having no clue how old Spike was, or understanding how he became so cold and accepting of Death, he felt incredibly out of character. I understand you wished to depict an older Spike that has matured and seen the fruits of life, taking it for all its flaws and mishaps. But what the Hell? Did he just wakeup one morning with this sagely knowledge? Were there unspeakable tribulations he endured, including love, that gave him the attitude you've described? I don't know. I have no clue. And that is where your characters failed. While this is reminiscent of 'lack of clarity', it's important in its own right; without backstory, characters are just characters--husks with faces that shed tears and lament their words. We see they're troubled, we see they're in pain, but we can't. Actually. Care.
Con (3.) This is where it all comes full circle and connects everything I've said in this review: lack of storytelling. Beyond 'The same thing. Every time.' and 'The carriage', nothing in this fic could be described as anything but 'well-crafted showing'. While I applaud your foreshadowing of the story's end, that was one of a sad few that kept me from moving on before finishing. Showing without explanation is a pitfall MANY authors (myself included
) are faced with. And, unfortunately, that is what makes beautifully described characters empty, intentionally heart-wrenching scenarios laughable, and entire stories an unfair waste of both the reader's AND the author's time. Remember this well. When you're going for a certain feel, you must take pains to explain what you're getting at. Make. Us. Care. Also note (I can't stress this enough), brevity is the soul of wit.
A decent attempt, made more impressive because of the word limit, but it could have been so much more with a dose of backstory. This receives a neutral vote from me, and is left with my best regards for improved quality down the road. Best of luck to you.
Craine...
PS: it's not a necessity, but you may read and review my story "Thrive" if you feel so inclined. Just a thousand word oneshot. No need to rush, though. Honestly, I only joined this group to do as the title suggests
3520113
The worst part for me was not the word limit, but the time limit I was placed under :( Thanks for the feedback though! I'll try to do better next time!
This was actually very well done.
I really enjoyed the story. It wasn't overly complex, but it didn't really need to be. It was just a simple good bye and having to deal with losing those you care for. Having lost someone I care about, it is hard to let go and its hard to move on. I would have love to see more on how Rarity coping with the death of Spike, but with only 2000 words to use, it worked well enough.
A lot of people thought that 'Spike giving up was weak'. I actually thought it was relatable. I thought, "If I was in that situation, I would act the same way" If you are watching someone you deeply care about hurting everyday and the reason why is that they are desperately holding on to a glimmer of hope that doesn't exist, it would be a hard thing to tell them the reality of it. Death is especially hard when it is someone you care about and Spike has accepted that his death will bring Rarity peace, because he won't be suffering anymore and she won't have to watch him suffer and vise versa. Is it hard? Yes. Does it happen? Yes. Do people (ponies) recover? Yes. It's hard, but they do. So, really, I relate to Spike's choice to keep Rarity from hurting.
Again, my only problem was that it was only 2000 words and I would have really loved to seem more depth with the two. Other than that, good story. It worked well for being short and the characters were still what they should be, at least I think. Thanks for letting me read. I look forward to more in the future. Take care.
(P.S. I'm not a fan of SpikexRarity, but that didn't stop me from enjoying this.)
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
So sad!!!!!!!!!!!
4146313
What? Are you serious? If any writer wants to have a 'complete' feel to their work, backstory is an absolute necessity. Just thought I'd say that before I get to the real issue here.
I'd like to address the view of 'reader interpretation'. It's a very fickle, very vague, very sensitive, and very, very stupid mistress. But the one thing that MUST be said here and now is this; Never leave readers guessing the plot itself. The ending? That's passable to SOME degree--a spur of curiosity, a dread for the future--it all plays gently with reader interpretation. Leaving out valuable points and info makes us imagine things, sure, but who's writing the story here? Us, or the author? As readers, our imaginations run rampant when images are PUT into our head. The author of this tale succeeded in that regard with brevity I can respect.
The out of character stance is equally necessary, because this isn't original fiction. It's fanfiction; based off of characters that already exist. Canonically, Spike and Rarity never actually hooked up. Canonically, Spike never showed a knowledge and acceptance of death. And Rarity most CERTAINLY never slapped anyone. To that end, without backstory, how the Hell can these actions be relatable or even believable? Imagination is great and all, but if I was just going to read a story just to imagine the whole thing, I'd write it myself.
Actually, 'tell-all' stories, AND 'mysterious-different take on life' stories are the best. ESPECIALLY with characters. They are the soul of any story after all.
On the contrary, these two go hand-in-hand. I only emphasized the backstory issue because, clearly, the author put this fic in the group to detect flaws with our help. And in my experience, stories are never actually complete without backstory. I didn't ask for an epilogue or an extra ten thousand words. How authors go about telling their stories is their own business--as long as they actually tell it.
I like this. 2000 words is a little short, but you've managed to get the entire story out.
WHY CRUEL WORLD!? I love it but I'm sad too.
In Her day he only broke his leg, Here it's a total feels,,,,,poor precious scales
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2015/040/4/4/her_day_by_hillbe-d8hbsfi.jpg
Ach, dangit, you did a sad one.
Speaking of, it's a pity you were restricted at 2K words. I wouldn't have minded having more insight regarding what led them to that situation. I liked it, though.
6149585
Thanks for taking a look at it XD