Thief of Hearts

by FierceRainbow

Thief of Hearts

Thief of Hearts

Rainbow dash shifted her hooves irritably. “Come on, Rare, hurry it up! Someponies are already out!”

“Fixing an outfit takes time,” Rarity sniffed. “The rip you got in your costume was huge. I’m only just now finishing.”

“Humpf!” she snorted. “Whatever. What are you being?”

“I am the Jewel thief,” Rarity said dramatically. “I steal rare beauties from all over the world!”

“That’s stupid.”

“Beg pardon?”

“A thief isn’t scary, it’s just a criminal. So it’s stupid.” Rainbow dash declared.

“Oh, really?” she cast her blue gaze upon the arrogant mare before her. “At least I have a new costume; you’re being the same thing as last year.”

“Yeah, but my costume is cool and scary,” she fluttered her wings. “So it’s fine to wear it again.”

“A thief is very scary,” Rarity growled. “Imagine if you were peacefully sleeping one night and you heard a noise downstairs. You crept, slowly, down the stairs and saw a pony running of with all your expensive prized possessions! What then, Rainbow dash? What then?”

“Then I beat them up and get my junk back!” Rainbow dash leapt onto her hind legs, making boxing motions with her hooves.

“You would do that, wouldn’t you?” The unicorn used her magic to lift her friend’s costume from the machine and examine it. “I guess I’ll just have to keep you here so you can protect me.”

“What, like a bodyguard? I could totally do that!” The Pegasus proclaimed.

Would she actually do that for me? A lump rose into her throat and she dropped the outfit. “I-I, um, it’s done. You can put it on now.”

“Finally!” Rainbow dash swooped over and picked it up, hugging it to- Rarity couldn’t help but notice- strong, lean chest.

“Well, I’m going to go get my costume. Goodbye!” She galloped away up the stairs quickly.

Oh my, she slammed the door behind her and sunk to the floor, holding a hoof to her head. It was that feeling again, the one that had kept popping up unannounced ever since Rainbow dash had saved her at the Best Young Fliers competition. I can’t! I can’t feel this way for my friend! But I do…

Rarity swallowed hard. Forget it, just like you always do. Get up, get dressed, and go back to her, but don’t let her know how you feel. She nodded, obeying the voice in her mind and heading towards her closet to find her Jewel Thief costume. She floated it out and stepped into the silky black fabric, zipping it up neatly and balancing a beret studded with a diamond on her head.

“Rarity? You ‘kay?” She jumped at the familiar scratchy voice on the other side of the doorway.

Hoping her voice wouldn’t shake, she replied. “I’m just fine, darling. Do come in.”

The door slid smoothly open without a creek. Rainbow dash stepped in and Rarity drew a quiet breath. Her costume hugged her toned, athletic body perfectly.

“Um, your costume’s cool.” The Pegasus said awkwardly.

“I thought you didn’t like it?”

“I just thought it was a bad idea.” She muttered.

Rarity smiled. “Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. And your costume is nice too.”

“It’s awesome!” Rainbow dash soared into the air, flapping her wings energetically. “You did a real good job, I think it’s actually better than it was before.”

She blushed. I can’t take this anymore! Her legs trembled. “R-rainbow dash,” she stuttered. “I- I…”

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Rainbow dash’s voice was soft, caring. “You look kind of nervous.”

“I am nervous.” She mumbled quietly but Rainbow dash heard.

“Why?”

“Oh, um, I, er,” Rarity rubbed the back of her styled mane. “I changed my costume.”

“You did?” The mare raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Yes, no, well, kind of,” she struggled to find words. “I just changed the name.”

“So what are you now then? Is it scarier? Come on, stop stalling!”

“I don’t know,” she replied meekly. Sucking in air, she struck a dramatic pose. “I am the Thief of Hearts,” she dropped down again, closed her eyes, then opened them again. Now, the final step. “Can I… you know… steal your heart?”

Rainbow dash looked confused, tilting her head, then her face lit up. Rarity could barely breathe. “Oh! You’re going to be a cannibal! That is scary. Come on then, eat my heart!”

“No!” she screamed in frustration. How dense can you get? Please don’t make me repeat myself. “I am not a cannibal!”

“But you said you were a Thief of Hearts?” her friend looked confused. “And you were going to steal my heart?”

“I didn’t mean it that way. It was metaphorical.” Rarity huffed.

“Then what did you mean?” Suddenly her face was very close, a pair of burning pink orbs staring intently into her eyes. Her chest tightened, the pounding of her heart loud in her ears. She felt a burst of confidence and put on her best seductive look, refined from years of charming stallions to her will.

Rarity trotted neatly around Rainbow dash so she was at her side, faces close again. “I meant, my dear, that I wanted to be closer to you,” she swirled a hoof around the blue mare’s chest, watching carefully as her magenta eyes widened. She is very much like a stallion, so this should work well on her. She paused her hoof above Rainbow dash’s heart, holding back a squeal at the fast beating she could feel. “I wanted you to know that I like you more than our other friends,” Rarity slid her pristine white hoof up and curved it around her neck. “I wanted you to know all the dirty little thoughts I have about you,” she’s blushing! Oh, what a delightful shade of red! “I wanted to make you love me.” Then, the final stage. Gently, she touched her lips to her friend’s.

Rainbow dash’s lips were warm, softer than she had imagined time and time again. She could feel the heart radiating from their bodies, see as her eyes slowly slanting into a cocky, sexy look as she kissed back. Hard.

Rarity made a sound in the back of her throat, leaning in towards the kiss. She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting no distractions. Finally, Rainbow dash broke away and she fluttered them open again to look at her.

“I wanted to kiss you.” She added breathlessly.

“Then you can,” Rainbow dash’s smirk caused her heart to accelerate even more. “I have to say, I think I like your new name, but why don’t we keep it just for us?”

“Agreed.” She said.

“Now, let’s go,” Rarity felt a pang of disappointment at those words. “Don’t worry- you can be the Thief of Hearts later, and we can have some fun.”

Feeling like a giddy filly for what lay ahead; she followed her marefriend out the door and into the night.

Author's Note:

I haven't wrote a story before, so I'd love some feedback on what I could do to improve.

Comments

[Insanity Redefined]

Faaaaaaar too short... Take more time to build it up. It's just to short let any feels come up...

[FierceRainbow]

3402488
Alright, I'll keep that in mind for next time. Thanks for commenting

[Zeyon The Green]

Rainbow is a little flip floppy in this story, but eh it works. Was she concerned there when they left that RD was turning her down?

[FierceRainbow]

3405401
She just wanted to spend some more time with her.

[Titanium Dragon]

I think the biggest problem with this story is that it didn't really feel like it went anywhere. I guess this is one of those "show but don't tell" things. I just don't understand why the whole thing went down. I didn't really, as Duskgrin noted, feel the tension. The whole thing just felt far too straightforward.

It isn't actually about length, though length played into the lack of buildup, but just the fact that I didn't, as he said, "get the feels". Short stories can get the feels up, and long ones can fail. The real key is getting the reader to invest in the story.

[FierceRainbow]

3428621
Yeah... I didn't manage to get the feels thing down, I'll just have to try to for whatever next story I might write. Thank you for commenting

[Skeeter The Lurker]

You could have made it a bit longer.

Drawn it out more. As far as attempts go, this was a pretty good one.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[FierceRainbow]

3443987
Thanks. This is only my first attempt after all, I'm sure I'll get better with time.

[Skeeter The Lurker]

3465597

That you will. Just keep at it. You've got the talent, I can bet.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[Random Order]

For a first try, it was really good
Have a moustache

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

This is a good start, now a shift of viewpoint going into why RD doesn't just drop kick her head out a window. (I mean, as a top athlete, she probably gets hit on a lot)

[Doubt]

While yes, it is short, I don't think that that's the biggest problem here actually.

If this was my story, the one thing I would change is the lack of detail at the beginning. Explode the moment. Paint us a picture first. Then, when you've done that and the reader knows exactly what they're looking at, then you can really start to make the picture move and tell the story of what happens. But until you do that first part, all the reader is seeing is text.

This isn't to say I didn't like it, I actually thought it was kind of good. So a small bravo to you sir/ma'am.

[Doubt]

5466448 I can see that you've written many other stories since this one now, so my comment may have been a bit pointless. Oh well. I'm leaving it.

[D4shi3]

5208944

[VampDash]

I kinda want to see either a sequel or second story where they engage in sexy times with Rares as the Thief of Hearts. I'm like the others in that this felt REALLY short but it was fun to read though.

[HarmonyRapids]

I WANNA SEQUEL!

Plz.

[Natedogg2006]

Wow, that was a first story. I'm going to have to check out more of your stuff. Very good set up and premise. The only constructive criticism I could offer wouldn't be anything you haven't seen before as I can see from other comments.
Length is an issue, but not in and of itself. It feels short because Rarity's emotions flip a little too quickly. Literally one or two more paragraphs about her struggle of either resisting Rainbow or trying to make her feelings known subtlety and it would be perfect.
Short stories are not bad. You did a lot in 1200 words

[Yubella]

It seems that Rainbow was the thief more so than Rarity