Chapter 9: Pushing my luck
"What is your connection to Celestia?!" Chrysalis was almost spitting the words.
"I pay taxes to her?" I replied as feebly as I could as I saw her scowl go even deeper. "And I... I put up an Equestrian flag in my window to celebrate on Founder's Day... Also," I played with my fingers as more useless information started to flood forth from my brain. "I have a limited amount of the Bersley-Hoof tea set, the same set the royal princesses use." I gulped as I watched the expressions dance over her face. "They come in a selection of pink, blue and-"
"What in the Tartarus do I care what kind of silverware Celestia uses?!" Chrysalis pulled me close by my bound wrists.
"It's actually a tea set-"
"Enough!" she snarled at me. "You just admitted that she was in your store! Why was she there?! Was she there with Silver Blossom and Twilight Sparkle?!"
"She wanted some tea." I replied while trying to keep a straight face and probably not doing very well at that. Not that I can be blamed with an angry changeling queen right in front of me. "I got her Silver Leaf tea, which is strange because I would have figured she's more of a Lemon Grass type." I paused. "Also, she bought a few cookies I-"
"What about Silver Blossom?!" she interrupted me with an almost frantic voice. "And Twilight Sparkle?! Were they there as well?!"
"Who?"
"Argh!" she gave a shout of frustration and started shaking me by my collar. "Silver Blossom and Twilight Sparkle! A purple unicorn and a female..." she gave me a disgusted look. "Bearotaur, or whatever it is you are!"
"Sorry, I can't remember seeing any other bearotaurs all day." The words were broken and awkward as she continued to shake me. "And Twilight was in prison, so she really couldn't-" I felt the blood leave my face as the words escaped me. "Never mind."
"Aha!" she stopped the shaking and pulled me close to her face. "I knew it! I knew you were trying to play me for a fool! Out with it! What is your connection to Silver Blossom and the Elements of Harmony?!" she suddenly deadpanned. "Why was Twilight Sparkle in prison?"
I put on a confused expression. "Who?"
A scream of anger escaped her. "Enough with this idiocy!" she started shaking me again. "You will tell me everything you know or so help me I will strangle you myself!"
"I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!" I joined her shouting as the violent shaking continued.
She stopped her shaking, but still kept her grip on my collar as she stared me down. "Everything! Now!"
"I am Woodchuck. I have a store in Shoretrot where I live..." I briefly wondered why I was even trying to push my luck any further. Maybe I simply didn't want to give her the satisfaction? Either that or I was still in shock from my recent mistreatment. Probably the latter. "And... that's about it." I tilted my head slightly. "Who are you again?"
I think I could actually see her snap at that moment. Something in the way her face started to twitch. She only stared at me for a moment, eyes twitching and breathing heavily before dropping me and starting to scream in anger.
"He is driving me insane!" she turned to the changelings that had probably brought me to her. "I ask for one simple thing! Bring me Silver Blossom! Instead," she pointed a shaking hoof at me. "You bring me this! This!" she spat the word out. "Imbecile!
"I actually have an IQ of a hundred and ten." I mumbled to myself, feeling slightly insulted.
"We're sorry, my queen!" the changelings quivered in fear. "We thought he was the right one!"
"Can't blame them, really." I continued to mumble. "She does have the same hair color as me."
"What was that?!" Chrysalis spun around as she picked up the words even in her frenzy.
"Huh? I didn't say anything." I tried to look innocent and shrugged. "Also, I think I left my stove on, so... Could I get back to my store? I have customers to take care of, you know." Not to mention preparation for hibernation. Definitely important.
"You just admitted you know her!"
"No, I didn't," I replied as straight-faced as I could, and as if on queue another sentence escaped me that was probably worse than everything else I had said to that point. "Also, you can't really say I know her. I mean after all, I've only known her for a few hours before you dragged me-" I saw her grind her teeth. "Lets just pretend I didn't say that." I stared at the wall ahead of me. "You could really use some curtains."
Just as I thought Chrysalis was about to explode, she suddenly became calm. So calm it actually made me even more nervous. She stood there for a second, and then simply turned to her drones. "You. Bring me everything from our torture chamber."
"What?!" I turned to her with big eyes. "Why would you even have a torture chamber?!"
Fun fact number one; There are things they just don't tell you in a show made for little children. This being one of them.
"Seriously? Do you have to? Can't you just send me back to Shoretrot and we both act like none of this ever happened?!"
Chrysalis gave me a cold stare and without turning to her drones, "Don't forget the whip and the burning iron."
"Oh, come on!"
Sometimes, I wonder if the universe hates me.
Looking back, hate is probably the wrong word. But there is definitely a dislike. Definitely.
"This is all your fault!" I shouted as I scrambled for cover. "I told you this would happen!"
"How is this my fault?!" Celestia shouted back even as she and the others were locked in their battle with the changelings and their queen. "We are here to save you!"
Moments before Chrysalis was about to start what without doubt would have become a very bloody and painful interrogation; Celestia, accompanied by the Elements of Harmony and Silver Blossom had burst through one of the walls and into the main chamber.
"You're the reason I'm in this mess!" I screamed as I jumped for cover while magic projectiles flew over me. Lying behind a thrown-over pillar, I could make out a deep-blue flash of magic. "Oh god, not her too!"
"We have come to free the one called Woodchuck!" Luna thundered in her royal voice as she entered the battle, followed by a whole platoon of royal guards. "Surrender him to us immediately."
"Never!" Chrysalis scowled. "The bearotaur is mine!"
"Will you just all leave me alone?!" I crawled over the floor with my hands still bound. A projectile exploded on the ceiling above me, covering me in dust. "I knew I should have stayed in bed today!"
I looked up from behind my cover and spotted Silver Blossom, swinging a stick while standing in the middle of the brawl. "Get them!" she shouted as she and the others pushed forward.
"Oh, for crying out loud!" In what I can only assume was another case of losing my already nonexistent senses; I jumped up from the ground as quickly as my bound hands and apron allowed me to and made a beeline for Silver Blossom, running between fighting ponies and changelings while keeping my head low as magic projectiles kept flying around me.
"Hey!" a surprised shout escaped Silver Blossom as I put my bound arms over her, scooped her up and threw her over one of my shoulders in full run. "What are you doing?! Put me down!"
"Like hell I am!" I replied as I kept on running frantically. "You're way too young to be doing these kind of things!"
"The bearotaur is trying to flee!" Chrysalis shouted in rage as she exchanged shots with Celestia and Twilight. "Seize them!"
"Guards! Liberate the one known as Woodchuck!" Luna shouted her own commands.
"Will you not?!" I shouted as two large groups fell in behind me; a frantic knot battling for domination now directly on my trail. "Seriously, give me a damn break!"
"You're running in circles!" Silver Blossom shouted as she bobbed up and down on my shoulder, still struggling to get down.
"I'm trying to find an exit!" I replied before spotting the opening in the wall. "Aha!"
"Put me down! I know what I'm doing!" Silver Blossom continued to protest even as I dashed through the hole and started heading upwards. "This is stupid!"
"Don't you dare take that tone with me, young lady!"
"Seize them!" the fighting mob started to follow me up through the tunnel.
"Go find someone else to bother!" I kept on furiously pumping my legs. "I'm too old for this shit!"
Much to my surprise, Silver Blossom suddenly stopped squirming. "Go faster!"
"What?!" I tilted my head slightly and caught a glimpse of what coming up from behind... at increasing speeds nonetheless. "Oh, come on! She can't hate you that much, can she?!"
Chrysalis had joined the chase and was now leading the battling knot of ponies and changelings, Celestia and Luna not far behind. "Come back here!" she snarled as she chased us.
"Nope!" I turned my attention to the front again. "Not gonna happen!"
The chase continued, and just when I thought my breath was going to leave me; sunlight, fresh air, freedom. "About time!" I have a victory shout as I felt the sun on my face, but the feeling of success did not last long.
Shortly after I exited the tunnel with Silver Blossom still slung over my shoulder and my hands locked around her, the tunnel entrance spewed out an eruption of fighting ponies, alicorns and changelings.
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Poor Chuck.
Well that escalated quickly.
Maybe Chuck was on to something when he said the mane six, and the princess were trouble.
Oh god! This is perfect!
Ya see, Woody, this is what happens when you defy Murphy!
Great, Luna's here. Tell you what, Woodchuck, I'll deal with her once I've dealt with these bugs.
Won't deal with Luna in the same way. First dinner, then maybe a movie, a few drinks afterwards, and on to Canterlot castle for...
...coffee. What else did you expect?
Chapter!!!! Y U NO LONGER!!!!!
I've really missed this, it's really been a while.
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100601145728/pirates/images/b/b9/Jack_escaping_Pall.png
I was beginning to think you forgot about this story, Gnoll... Glad to see an update. Hope to see more soon. Till then, all I got to say is:
Run, Woodchuck... RUN!!!
Poor guy, he just want to manege his store in Peace and quiet and he gets all this?
Weren´t you aiming for Silver Blossom
?
This Chrysalis is even more stupid than the one of the comics.
Oh god he must be so infuriating to chrysalis. She probably hates him more than silver now.
Use your broom powers!
3891303
Well, they ARE some kind of magnet for everything and everyone evil out there. Well, Chuck had at least a nice and quiet time.
well Woodchuck, you're in it now, there's no getting out. time to say goodbye to your peaceful store life and hello to the hectic, dangerous life of adventure and running... lots of running.
3891303
Twilight is the problem actually. Ponyville was once a very nice, calm, monster-free town. Sure, they had a few troubles and maybe a manticore fly over once (probably just a fat pegasi with a bad manecut) but really nothing of note. The moment Twilight stepped into town and set up as the librarian, you get natural and unnatural disasters gravitating to her like iron fillings to a magnet. Ponyville has seen more dangers in the last three years than it had in the last three centuries.
p.s.
Celestia likes tea so much she drank the "t" in "the".
3891565 Nope. She drank the r in her ^^
Thanks for pointing that out.
I would like to reiterate that I think this is the funniest thing on Fimfiction.
Are you a fan of Terry Pratchett? This story is somewhat reminiscent of his style.
I do hope that Celly and Lulu brought all their armoured boys and girls along for the party because a very, very large army parked outside the the Hive is something that Woody really needs right now.
God, I feel sorry for poor Woodchuck, he met Celestia less than a day ago and already he gets kidnapped by changelings. Nice to see the story updated by the way.
nope.exe has overloaded, it seems. He's starting the yep.bat from all the info he leaked out to Chrysalis.
3891648 I read a lot of his work. Not sure which I would pick as my favorite though, they're all so lovable. ^^
3891717
Yeah, the whole bit about magic having a sense of humor seems very Prattcheesque.
This is SO very Benny Hill. But with fewer half-naked women.
Wherever the elements go, trouble is sure to follow. And trample everything and everyone in its wake
This really just isn't his day, is it? XD
I have his new war shout. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
Chrysallis probably would have stopped from the aneurysm.
Just because I find chucky's misery so amusing, I will say THE cursed words: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
I said it! And in the process, probably doomed our dear chuck.
3891732 Yes. They all are naked instead. Not counting possible regalia.
3891732
Naked mares
Now he knows how Bilbo felt during the battle of the five armies. Only with no magic ring.
What is this?
An... Expresso maker?
Yes. To is the first thing I thought of.
You know what this chapter needs? Yakety sax.
Looks like the kid is a natural warrior after all. Dinner conversation is going to be pretty odd.
Poor guy just can't get a break
(well, maybe one or two if he was tortured), might be me but every time I read about chrysalis being angered or infuriated she just seems so much more cute. So please antagonise her some more. 
Woodchuck's really not that bright, is he? You'd think that he'd learn to be more careful about what he says after the first few slip-ups, but he just keeps going. It would be one thing if he was actually trying to troll her, but it seemed like he was trying to play dumb.
This is why if I go to Equestria, I'm avoiding the mane six and princesses like a plague.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when the mane six and the princesses are present.
it's a wonder why he doesn't just drop silver blossom and use her as a distraction.
Move to another town, take a different name and species and be done with it :P
3892432
Rather than bitch and moan about the whole "bring me the contents of the torture chamber" thing, I kept thinking how easily I could have trolled Chrysalis in this situation.
+++Disclaimer- I am by no means a masochist, I just think this would freak chrysalis out+++
Imagine "Woodchuck" saying this:
"Oh, torture chamber? You dirty changeling!"
"I'm a bearotaur, pain is a form of sexual foreplay for us. Make sure you bring a sturdy whip. Also, You wouldn't happen to have a riding crop down there would you?"
"OH! Wear a maid's outfit! And crotchless panties too."
It fits so perfectly.
Bearotaur.
Bear and Minotaur.
It wouldn't really surprise anyone much to find that such a creature would actually enjoy pain (Or at least to a degree).
With any luck, she would entirely drop the idea of torture.
damn it why do the chapters have to be so short
3891499 She thinks silver is also a bearotaur.
Even if that isn't it, she's probably extremely pissed at woodchuck too
I think Woodchuck broke Chysalis.
Wow, this poor guy sounds like he's in a universe I dropped my human drunkard into...
This was a neat concept at first, but the last few chapters have escalated.. enormously. Keeping it a little more slice of life or building things up might have kept things at a better pace.
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Nice chapter, I demand more! Though take as much time as needed!
This chapter... I like it.
ANOTHER!
3892100
Upon rereading this with Yakety Sax in the background, I must concur with your conclusion.
3893229
Well, now we know why that mysterious Romance tag is on this story.
3895437 Are you implying hate sex? Cause I don't get what you mean otherwise...
3895560
"Come back, bearotaur! Nobody's ever talked to me this long before! And what color curtains would match my cave?!"
Hilarious
That's a great story but I hope you won't make us wait so long for another chapter.
3891855
Damn, this shout would be super effective but I wonder if she wouldn't totally flip and end the whole fight with tremendous outburst of magic.