• Published 23rd Oct 2013
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The Pie and I - Kaf_Kraked_Poni



Shikamaru Nara hunts for a rogue ninja in Equestria. For some reason, Pinkie Pie tags along.

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3. Afternoon of Ponyville

“Okay, I think I got it this time. Are you ready Shikamaru?” I wasn’t. I peered at Twilight suspiciously, wondering if maybe she was purposely avoiding sending me home.

“Can I at least take the pain killer before you fry me again?”

“Would you like another glass of water Mr. Shikamaru?” Ah, Spike. The only one that didn’t instantly freak out and objectively survey me like an alien. I took the glass from his claw and downed the pills I was able to recover from my burning Journeyman vest. Pinkie Pie remained in the corner, assuring me that my weapons, scrolls, and other hazardous tools would be returned to their former state when she was done with them. Twilight had to keep moving my chin to face her all the while.

“Okay, I’ve cross-referenced the data we’ve collected from our previous studies with the transformation spells from this book. We should be able to do something constructive now.” She didn’t bother to look at me while she spoke, and that ticked me off some.

“Why don’t you just make a portal for Shikamaru to go through? I’m pretty sure there are spells like that here,” Spike suggested from the side.

“We already tried that Spike,” Twilight scolded looking up now. “All three times Shikamaru teleported somewhere else in Equestria and then returned with some sort of bruise from wherever the spell took him.”

“I’ve had it with my molecules being zipped about your country,” I sighed at Spike. “Twilight cast a spell to pinpoint the location of Konoha in relation to your home. Until then, she’s also trying alternative routes.”

“The spell can take almost a whole day. It’s a very complicated reference system. I’d explain it but I’m sure I’d bore you with the details.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before,” Spike mumbled sitting next to me.

“Hey Shikamaru, what is this thing?” I turned around and almost knocked Spike down clambering over to Pinkie Pie.

“Don’t touch that! It’s a highly sensitive flash bomb!”

“Ooh, so it’s like a big party light?”

No you dunce, it’s a flash grenade! “Gimme that,” I said and swiped it away. I gathered my tools and set them aside, instructing her to not meddle any further. She was lucky I didn’t set the explosive tags to blow after you unwrapped them.

“Whoa, some of those knives look as sharp as my spines. Mind if I see one?” Spike asked lifting himself over the table.

“Yes actually, I do mind.”

“Hey, this isn’t dangerous is it?” Pinkie Pie lifted one of scrolls from my vest pouch.

“Pinkie Pie, that’s a summoning tome, and yes it is dangerous. Please put it back,” I instructed taking it up.

“What does it summon? A dragon? Maybe a ball of spikes? Ooh Ooh! Maybe a spiky dragon!”

“Hey, you don’t need two of me now do you?” Spike asked twirling one of my kunai. I confiscated the weapon and he chuckled nervously.

“Shikamaru, get back in the circle!” Twilight shouted. I groaned. This mare was more demanding than a few certain women in my life. I set my tools aside and I found myself trudging over to the spell spot, constantly looking back to make sure Pinkie and Spike weren’t fooling around.

“Hope you got something good because it looks like Pinkie is about to flood your library,” I warned as the pink pony loosened another scroll.

“I think I know what the problem is,” Twilight said trotting over to me. “It’s got to be your unusual anatomy.”

“It’s only unusual to you you know,” I remarked with a raised brow.

“I know that, just let me finish,” she scolded.

I wanted to say something, but I felt any attempt to do so would have been immediately rebuked.

“So, I’ve found a spell that will make it easier for my magic to affect you. By altering your physiology to match that of a pony, I should be able to warp my magic about you without too many severe consequences.”

“There’s an awful lot of hypotheticals in there,” I said in vain. Twilight hurried over to her books and referenced them a few times before igniting her horn.

“Are you ready?”

“I don’t think I have a choice,” I replied, tensing up. Twilight lowered her head and shot a magic beam at me. My body burned upon contact, but I could not scream. I felt myself being lifted into the air and tossed about. A swirling array of color surrounded me, and I suddenly found myself spinning faster and faster around the room. Eventually the spinning stopped and I fell hard onto the library floor.

“Hey Shikamaru, are you alright?” Spike asked running over to me.

“Take… take that off,” I groaned. The baby dragon had tied Jujo’s forehead protector around his neck.

“Uh.. sure…” he said backing away as I rose from the ground.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Shikamaru!” Twilight said running over to me.

“That’s okay… for the hundredth time it’s okay Twilight,” I said shaking my head. It felt heavier for some reason. I lifted my arm and rubbed my temples. Strange… why can’t I bend my fingers?

“Wow! Twilight, what did you do?!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed hurrying over to me.

“I tried to make him more pony-like,” she answered. Her response forced me to make my way to the mirror. Of course I was tripping over my hooves along the way.

“I swear if I’m some sort of four-legged freak,” I shouted. I couldn’t quite control the output of my gallop and ended up sliding towards the mirror in front of me. I tried to stop myself by gripping the floor, however my antlers proved sufficient enough as brakes.

“You’re a deer now!” Spike exclaimed.

Duly noted. “I said to take that off!” I moaned, struggling to my hoo- nope, gonna say feet.

“Well, I meant to turn you into a pony, but I think maybe I mixed something up somewhere,” Twilight observed trotting over to her mess again.

“How long until I turn back,” I asked, shaking awkwardly in place. It was taking all of my power to not fall.

“I don’t know,” Twilight answered sheepishly. My eye twitched.

“I would like it if you knew Twilight,” I said jerking my head back up. My antlers weighed me down on the other side now.

“Well it says here that it could last anywhere from a few minutes to few days.”

“A few days as a deer? At least you’ll fit in with the crowd somewhat,” Spike giggled. I wanted to knock him on the spot.

“This is so cool!” Pinkie Pie grabbed my neck and caused me to flail my new legs about. She brought her face close to mine and squeezed. “Now Shikamaru can be a part of the herd!”

“Don’t be ridiculous Pinkie,” Twilight entered, flipping through the pages of a book. “He’s still a human, he’s just got a deer body now.” For once I agreed with what Twilight said.

“If you let me go, I’ll fall,” I told Pinkie. She set me back up so I had assumed a noble standing pose. It was annoying, but at least I wasn’t so shaky anymore. “What now genius?”

“I’m working on that, first let me record this moment. Spike, take a letter.” Spike hurried over and began scrawling all of Twilight’s ramblings. Pinkie Pie marched in front of me now, critically observing me up and down.

“What?” She squinted after I had asked her that question.

“Hold your chin up,” she said.

“Why?”

“It’ll help with the antlers I bet.” I obeyed and sure enough the weight above my head evened out. Even so, it was beginning to put a strain on the back of my neck now. Suddenly the door to the library opened and another unicorn trotted in. She appeared female in nature (great…) and moved with such elegance it’d put a feudal lord to shame.

“Twilight? Darling you’re late for our weekly fitting!” The new unicorn stopped then and looked at me with wide eyes. I tried to do the same, but the position I was in made it hard to move my eyes without my neck.

“Rarity!” Pinkie Pie shouted elatedly and bounced about. “Rarity look, this is my new friend, Shikamaru!”

“That’s debatable,” I said quickly.

“Shika...maru? Where did you meet him?” I had to look now. I recognized that tone of voice in a woman.

“He was outside the Everfree Forest. He’s from the Land of Fire and lives in a village that’s hiding in some leaves. Oh, he’s also a ninja and…”

“Quite possibly the manliest stag I’d ever laid eyes on,” Rarity finished.

What? Oh God no.

“Hey, Rarity’s here,” Spike shouted running up to her.

“Ooh, how’s my little Spikey Wikey?” she cooed. I was even more confused now. Didn’t she like male ponies? Twilight trotted up to the other unicorn and apologized.

“So sorry Rarity, it’s just that we were trying to find a way to send Shikamaru home. You see, he’s not from here.” Twilight was furiously pulled up close to Rarity’s face then.

“Send him home?” She whispered something unintelligible and released Twilight. “Ahem, allow me to introduce myself. I am Rarity, the most regal pony in all of Ponyville!”

Oh, she was that kind of woman…

“Nice to meet you, Rarity.” I felt such a name was a cop out for her personality. I was beginning to think that of all the ponies now… and Spike.

“And, what might you have been doing so close to such a dangerous place?”

“I don’t think I should tell you,” I replied. I was building up the wall fast. You had to with these types. It was the only way.

“Oh poo, you won’t indulge me?” She blinked a few times. I could see Spike frowning out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to apologize.

“It’s too much of a bother really, and I don’t feel like explaining it.” That would do it.

“Very well, it’s none of my business to meddle into the affairs of other ponies, ohh I mean, other stags.” Did she really think she was being cute? It was actually coming off as annoying now.

“I hope we can reschedule,” Twilight said to Rarity.

“Anytime dear, just let me know. Besides, I’d like to help out our new friend here with his… predicament.”

“We’ve got enough help. Let’s let Pinkie and the Brain work okay?” I was trying to be coarse again. Damn it though, it seemed to turn her on even more.

“Oh, you don’t know do you darling? I am the Element of Generosity! I cannot allow you to suffer in your plight being the generous individual that I am,” she said gleefully. I snorted involuntarily.

“Twilight, change me back.”

“I can’t, we have to wait for the spell to run out. Besides, I want to try some more teleporting magic now that you share some sort of pony quality with us,” she responded while reading from two books.

“Oh my, that’s quite the shaft,” Rarity said, peeking over Twilight’s shoulder. I was going to be sick.

“You’re turning green again Shikamaru!” Pinkie Pie laughed.

“Not with envy I bet, unlike some of us,” Spike growled.

“Okay, Spike, get ready. Shikamaru, you too,” Twilight said shutting the books. Her horn lit up and she released another bright beam in my direction. The magic felt warm this time, and I could see the room begin to shift out of focus. Instantly the library vanished and I found myself surrounded by clouds.

The euphoria was short lived. As surreal as the experience was, the clouds began to rise and I felt a large pit in my chest. This was not fantasy, and I was pretty sure even in this place, deer couldn’t fly. My body flailed about as I tried to orient myself in midair. I couldn’t tell a hoof, from an antler, to my body.

Crap, crap, crap! Could I still perform jutsu? Even if I could, there would be nothing I possessed that would soften my fall, at least not from this height! I could only hope this spell would be like the rest and zap me back to the library any second.

Suddenly a figure in the sky came into view, zooming at me fast. The last thing I needed was to get hit by a bird or something! I saw a trail of color hold fast onto the tail of the rocketing blur. Pretty soon I could focus on its form and not to my surprise, it was another pony.

“HEY!” Hopefully he would see me. I began moving my limbs about again, and for a moment the figure watched me questionably. I shouted again and it jumped, soaring for me soon after. The flying pony rammed into me, holding on tight with her (great, another girl) hooves.

“What the hay are you doing in the air?!”

“It’s a long story!” I shouted over the breaking wind. “Do you know where Ponyville is?!”

“Yeah!” she shouted back. “I live there!”

“Good! I need to go back to Twilight Sparkle’s Library!”

“Twilight?! You know Twilight?!”

Our shouting competition ended as the rainbow maned pegasus neared the large treehouse. She dropped me on the floor and I stumbled about woozily before vomiting again.

“Heh, too fast for ya Pointy?” I wanted to hit her, but my stomach had other plans. She laughed again and I fell on my knees. “Sorry bud, the name’s Rainbow Dash. Fastest flyer in Equestria, and you got to experience that first hoof!”

“How… lucky,” I groaned. Twilight’s door flung open and the three ponies and Spike circled me.

“Shikamaru? What happened?” Twilight asked, pen and pad ready.

“Go… away,” I panted, rising slowly.

“He got a free ticket to the Rainbow Bullet Blitz, courtesy of me,” Rainbow Dash said bowing. “So what were you doing in the air in the first place?” I pointed at Twilight.

“Shikamaru is a human from a different nation, not one I’ve heard of before. We were trying to figure out where his home was,” Twilight explained.

“That doesn’t explain why he was free falling, and what the heck’s a human? He looks like a deer to me,” Rainbow said.

“A human is a bipedal pink primate without a tail,” Rarity said in disgust. “Personally, I prefer Shikamaru as he is.”

“He’s also a ninja!” Pinkie Pie entered.

“A ninja? Pfft, bwahahaha! Ninjas aren’t real!” Rainbow fell to the floor in laughter.

“Another one of your friends Pinkie Pie?” I asked. My head was finally clearing.

“Yep! This is…”

“Rainbow Dash,” I finished. “Fastest flyer in Equestria.”

“You know it!” she gloated, jumping back up. “I guess one of Twilight’s crazy spells sent you to the sky. I caught him free falling over my house.”

“So that’s what happened? I don’t understand… I thought the spell would’ve teleported you back home,” Twilight mused.

“Well, it didn’t work. Like all your other spells. Now then, if you’ll excuse me…” I began but stopped. My body twitched painfully and I rose into the air again. I was beginning to hate the sky with every passing moment. I dropped back onto the floor, this time landing on my hands and feet.

“Whoa, that was weird,” Rainbow commented.

“He’s actually not all that bad looking still,” Rarity said with a hoof under her chin.

“That’s Shika’s real body,” Pinkie Pie said. “See, he’s got these things called fingers, and toes, and a round head, and-” I flipped around on my rear, sitting on the grass and leaning my head back. I allowed Pinkie to explain my ins-and-outs to Rainbow Dash, she of course being skeptical of the many ninja-related parts of my description.

“If he’s really a ninja, he’ll prove it to me,” Rainbow said peering at me with a raised brow.

“No he won’t and he doesn’t have to,” I answered.

“Oh what’s the matter? I already saved your life, don’t have the guts to beat me and reclaim your… er, stallion-hood?” She posed in front of me and waved her tail about.

“That would be it,” I replied with a sigh. She had to do a double take.

“What? You don’t care that I totally challenged your authority and embarrassed you by saving your life?”

“Actually, I’m more embarrassed that I let Twilight experiment on me in the first place,” I said. “I’m grateful you saved my life, but there’s nothing I can do that will make you see me as above you, especially if you’re going to keep that attitude around.” She took a seat, mouth gaped open. “Even if I do beat you at something, you’ll try to challenge my authority then, and that requires me to keep thinking of some way to stay above you, and personally, that’s too much of a drag to keep account of.”

“Where did you meet this guy Pinkie?” Rainbow asked.

“Near the Everfree Forest. He lives in a forest too you know, made of leaves.” She stood next to Dash and waved her hoof in front of the pegasus’s face. “Dashie? You okay?”

“I think he broke her ego,” Spike said with a chuckle. Twilight swatted him.

“If it’s all the same, I’d rather not be experimented upon anymore, saved from imminent death, and dreamily thought about,” I complained, rising to my feet. “I only agreed to come to Ponyville because I thought this unicorn would have a way to send me back home. Since that’s not the case, I’ll be leaving.”

“Wait!” Pinkie Pie shouted grabbing on my pants. “We have to wait for the location spell, remember?”

“Actually,” I said removing her grip, “I’m going to find a completed map in Twilight’s library and just walk. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Rarity shouted now. “You’ve only just arrived! I haven’t, err, I mean we haven’t the pleasure of getting to know you aside from Pinkie Pie.”

“I promise I won’t run anymore tests if you stay,” Twilight said tossing her quill. “We just need to figure out something once the location spell finishes.”

“Why are you all so intent on having me stay?” I wondered.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind if you left. You’re just weird,” Rainbow said fluttering in the air.

“Well, we’re friends aren’t we?” I studied Pinkie’s face for a moment, and the realization that her statement was legitimate had me torn.

“I wouldn’t say that,” I answered then.

“Why not? I thought we had something here!” She seemed confused. Almost as if she didn’t know what to do. That was a first, at least since I’ve met her.

“Look, I’m not saying you’re a bad per… pony Pinkie,” I said. “Thanks for helping me back there with the basilisk, and also for being concerned enough to bring me to Twilight, but it takes much more than that to be considered a friend where I’m from.”

“What kind of crazy world do you live in?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It’s an unforgiving one, I’ll tell you that,” I replied, looking down. I reached into my pocket and felt out Asuma’s lighter. “Look, the point is that Pinkie helped me out and I’m grateful, but I can’t really call her my friend since I barely know anything about her. Also, a friend where I come from does a lot more than just nice things.”

“Saving your life is a lot more than nice,” Rainbow objected.

“Even so, were any of you in the same situation I wouldn’t hesitate to try and save you. That doesn’t mean we’d be friends however. I just met you ponies,” I reasoned. I hoped that was a good enough explanation.

“Okay then,” Pinkie Pie said. I didn’t believe her that it was ‘okay.’ “Could you at least stay the night? I know you gotta be hungry, and pretty tired.”

“You can stay at my place,” Rarity piped in. “I’ve got plenty of extra covers.”

“No thanks,” I pushed. I’ll be damned though, they pushed even harder.

“You have to try the apples from Sweet Apple Acres!” Pinkie chimed in.

“Wait, I’m sure the princesses will want to meet you too! I’ll send them a letter right now,” Twilight said.

“Shikamaru darling, you can’t leave without telling me how you get your hair to stay like that!” Rarity spoke.

“Yeah, I also want to see some of those cool ninja moves!” Spike interjected.

“If he even has them,” Rainbow remarked.

The cacophony of voices grew louder and louder. I couldn’t stand the noise anymore. My hands folded together and formed several seals. From below, the shadows of the five bodies rose out of their plane and wrapped firmly around their little mouths. Every pony remained still.

“That’s called Shadow Impersonation Jutsu, one of my ninja tricks,” I explained. “I manipulate your shadow so that it does what I want it to, like keeping you all quiet so I can give you my answer.”

No one struggled and I released the jutsu. As a countermeasure though, I still held them in place with my Shadow Possession.

“That… was… awesome,” Rainbow Dash uttered. Spike nodded.

“Okay, I’ve decided to stay, only because Pinkie brought up a valid point. I am a little hungry,” I said, hoping that it was a good enough excuse. I released the Shadow Possession. The moment I dropped the jutsu every pony surrounded me quicker than a magnet to a fridge.

What is this place? Why is everyone so…? What a pain.

***

“Welcome to Sugar Cube Corner!” Pinkie blew a party horn and released some confetti into the air. I brushed the debris off of my shoulder as she leapt happily about.

“You live above a pastry shop? Kind of like my friend Ino, except she owns a flower shop,” I said, looking around. The area was particularly small compared to Twilight’s house, but I wasn’t going to risk some late night escapade to probe my bowels if I stayed back there.

“This is so great,” she exclaimed running over to her closet. Upon opening the door, a column of balloons and part supplies poured out of the space. She removed a large inflatable object from the mess and filled it up in one breath.

“Quite the party animal,” I commented.

“Oh pssh, you have no idea,” she replied setting the inflated castle down. “Well, here’s your bed!”

“My bed? You don’t have like a couch, or something that won’t explode if I sit on it?” I pressed my hand against the jump castle and while it did feel secure, I didn’t want to risk getting strangled in the massive folds of plastic in the middle of the night.

“Okay, if you don’t want to sleep in there, I will! You can have my bed.” Pinkie bounded inside the castle and began springing about, laughing the entire time. I walked over to her bed and sighed. It was no better. Sure it looked comfortble, but if I got into that thing I wasn’t sure if I’d come out with sprinkles and frosting all over my face. Not only that, but it was only about the size of my torso and head.

“I’ll take the castle,” I said, stopping Pinkie then.

“Great! Oooh this will be the bestest sleepover ever! We get to talk more and become closer and then probably laugh together and then you’ll become my friend!”

“Is that all you’re really concerned about?”

“Hey,” she said rather defensively. “I happen to be everypony’s friend in this entire town. All of these ponies are my friends, not just the ones you met today.”

“How is that even possible? It’s obvious you spend more time with Twilight and the others,” I argued. I stepped into the castle and wobbled a little.

“That doesn’t make anypony else less of a friend,” she replied, crossing her forelegs.

“Fine, can we just sleep?” I asked. Pinkie rolled her eyes and marched off. I sat in the mini bounce house and sighed. It was a long day. Very long. Although most of it consisted of bearing with the tiny creatures of this town, I couldn’t shake the fact that it had started with a mission of utmost importance. Now I was wasting time in a foreign nation and probably troubling the village with my absence.

“What a drag,” I groaned, falling back onto the inflated object. Inside the castle, clouds were painted on the ceiling over a plue pastel sky. I stared at the crude depictions and closed my eyes, wishing I could just forget all of this ever happened. If I hadn’t allowed Jujo to escape… no, if I had only been more attentive back when I had him in my jutsu. I could have avoided all of this.

“Sheets for the Shikamaru,” Pinkie’s voice suddenly rang out. A mess of fabric entered the bounce house and landed on top of me. I didn’t bother fixing any of the stewn about blankets.

“Watch out,” Pinkie said, laying down in her own bed. “Gummy likes to sleep with new people.”

“Who’s Gummy?”

“My pet alligator,” she yawned. I jumped up, throwing the sheets to the other side of the bounce house and rolled away.

“You have a pet alligator in here with me?!”

“So what if I do?”

“Pinkie, are trying to keep me from becoming your friend?”

“Don’t worry silly, he’s got no teeth!” Pinkie laughed at me and I slumped on the floor of the inflatible. “I wouldn’t let anything happen to you that would stop you from being my friend, I mean it Shikamaru.” I leaned my head back and smiled.

She’s too much like that idiot Naruto… A tiny pink Naruto. I shuddered a little. Finally the hours passed by. I’m not sure when it happened, but I eventually fell asleep.

***

“Shikamaru, Shikamaru!” I startled awake.

“Pinkie Pie?” I felt her hooves let go of me and she bolted out of the jump castle. “Pinkie, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Twilight!”

“Twilight?”

“Actually, Twilight’s library really… But it’s still bad!” I jumped out and saw an orange glow radiating from outside of Pinkie’s window. The smell of smoke pervaded my nostrils.

“I really hope Spike did that,” I said clambering downstairs.

"Why would you say something like that?!"

"Because," I replied, "I'd hate to think of the alternative."

Author's Note:

This will be my last update on anything for a while. I'll still be on site, but I have to focus on school for the next few weeks. Diligently working on stories still however.

Anyway, I figured this piece needed just a little more Fooling Mode and comedy before I hit the crux of everything. I promise no future chapters will be this... pointless XD

I take that back, it has a point, but I just went about stalling with Naruto-esque comedy and Pinkie Pie. I also decided to play, "Shikamaru is generic HiE" before I got serious. For all of those die hard HiE fans, I've conformed to your image... happy?

(Pssst... I didn't really...)