Time is a fickle thing, is it not? Travelling through it is something else entirely. That's just what Twilight and Spike find out when they find themselves back at the beginning.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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@MrDenim...
1. An interesting AU story-premise. Though I might suggest adding a Sad &/or Dark tags if the time-travelling couple are back-travelling from a Dark Future they are trying to prevent/change; and the Sad & heavy burdens of having to endure their past all over again, knowing what awaits them in said Dark Future if they fail (or worse). I also might suggest a Princess Twilight tag in addition to the Basic Twilight, since the future pair's mindset is post-alicorn.
2. On Future Spike's message-delivery system, I think moving it to the wrist/hand was a bit too much. You could have retained the canon flame-breath system, just more efficient after +500 years. For example: Future Spike can sense an incoming delivery long seconds beforehand and then casually breathe the flame-message into his waiting hand rather than comedically belching & scrambling to catch.
3. Nice touch with the Shining Armor bit, to set the stage for later "downstream" in the story, rather than shoving the character on the stage as they did in the series. An important storytelling factor with Time Travel themes is subtle foreshadowing (keyword: subtle) towards the reader-audience.
@MrDenim...
1. Chapter 2 was a bit weak, especially it being half on the word-count as Chapter 1. Chapter 1 was very involving, Chapter 2 felt like you were hitting the "Skip" button on the DVD remote.
2. You could have spent more time going through the character trials of each of the Element Bearers, rather than fast-forwarding through. How does Future Twilight (& Future Spike) hide her reactions for having to experience each scene again? (such the Applejack scene with the cliff) Or reason (to the others) on bringing Future Spike along this time around?
3. An interesting angle, with the Elements having (at least partial) sentience. I am guessing this applies to the other Elements besides Magic?
4. Something else with foreshadowing and subtle storytelling, I assume you have it worked out to the "Why" the Future couple have jumped back in time. You should also be slowly &/or lightly hinting towards that "Why" for the readers, in the background of the Future duo's trying to mostly preserve the timeline to its canon, but also trying to change whatever Dark Future that gave them cause to walk the always-dangerous road of Time Travel.
3660303
You're, like, the best reviewer ever. 'cause you say more than "OMG great chapter!" or "Can't wait for the next installment!" You actually point out the peaks and pitfalls of the chapter, and I love that.
I can guarantee that this chapter was so weak was because of the fact that I wrote the entirety of it late at night. Not in one sitting of course, but it was all written past midnight... on a school night.
Why are you so adamant about the "Dark Future?" I can understand why, what with Twilight's and Spike's initial reactions to being back in time. But hell, wouldn't you act at least a little bit like that if your closest friends had been dead for over 100 years, and you were suddenly able to chat and laugh with them again?
To be 100% honest with you, my plan was to keep the why and the how they're back in time a blank slate, leaving it up to the readers to come up with their own reasons for why and how.
3660515...
5. I am not "adamant" about a Dark Future, or when-ever the Future couple back-traveled from. It is simply a default assumption with the theme. Time Travel generally consists of three reasons &/or consequences...
~ a. change &/or prevent something bad from happening (the Terminator series, and many, many others)
~ b. correct &/or safeguard the timeline (50+ years of Doctor Who, Quantum Leap, semi-regular use across the Star Trek series)
~ c. unintentional effects of Time Travel, which then spur the above two (the Back to the Future series, H. G. Wells' The Time Machine, other "What have I done...?!?" Time Travel movies/stories)
Since the latter two did not appear to be in play, I assumed the first. That, and when the Future duo "quantum leap'd" into their past selves, the first thing they did was draw weapons and put their backs to each other in expectation of dire combat, not exactly a Bright Future kind of thing to do
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6. As for rushing your writing, you can always take the time to revise &/or add-on to chapter 2 at some point as well.
Always remember...
It is NEVER "too late" to go back to revise, refine, edit, correct, or even completely overhaul your fan-fiction work for the better.
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7. I am glad you enjoy my review & commentary
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