The Lorjacks
"So ya want me ta help you just so Ah can get some silly human book?"
Discord pouted, "Dear Applejack, you sound as if I just asked you to sacrifice a small foal. I only need you for an afternoon or so. Besides, I know Twilight is just dying for these books. What kind of friend wouldn't want to help her obtain the full set?"
Discord knew it was underhanded to appeal to an Element of Harmony's sense of friendship, but he really didn't have much choice at the moment. Applejack was a notoriously stubborn pony who didn't really appreciate time wasting nonsense. Needless to say, they didn't exactly see eye to eye.
"Then why don'tcha give it to her?" Applejack deadpanned.
A halo appeared over Discord's head. "Who me?" The glowing ring shattered as two red devil horns speared through the top of his head. He grinned, "what would be the fun in that?"
"No," the farmer stated simply. She turned around to walk back into the barn.
"What's the matter, Applejack," Discord pulled a thoroughly confused Scootaloo out of thin air, "you chicken?"
Scootaloo rolled her eyes and grumbled, "I really getting sick of that joke."
Discord humphed, "Oh, what do you know?" before tossing the pegasus over his right shoulder.
Applejack froze at the accusation. Between her and Rainbow Dash, the best possible way to get their attention was to issue a challenge. Discord decided to take it one step farther. Adopting his best baby talk voice, he cooed, "Are you a fwaidy tat?"
This time he pulled Opalescence out of thin air to illustrate his point. The clearly unamused feline gave him her best getting-tired-of-your-*[censored as a courtesy for young eyes]*-draconequis look and took a swipe at his face, leaving four deep scratches. Discord hopped up and down shouting, "Ow ow ow ow ow," before he snapped his claws and sent the pussy cat away.
He seethed angrily, I'm going to turn that cat into a tea kettle, so help me!
"Is that a challenge, Discord?"
Having temporarily forgotten the reason for his teasing, Discord was surprised to find the orange coated farmer mere centimeters from his face, glaring angrily into his mismatched eyes. Discord grinned and slithered around the pony like a serpent. "It is now. If you succeed, then I will work on your farm for a whole week. Completely under your command. If you lose-"
"Ah ain't gonna lose!"
"Cocky, aren't we? Then I will keep that part a secret. Rest assured that I won't force you to part with your Element of Harmony or anything heinous like that. I'm not made of stone... any more."
"Deal." She spat on her hoof and extended it to the draconequis. He spat onto his lion paw (though the saliva turned into butterscotch pudding when it hit his paw) and shook her hoof with a sinister gleam in his eye.
"Alright then, here is your challenge. There are a pair of ponies chopping down a patch of very rare trees in a grove on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. These trees bear fruit that looks like gems, but anypony can easily eat them. The only problem is that they can't be picked if the tree is rooted to the ground. Your job is to convince them to stop."
He snapped his claw and Applejack sprouted a thick and bushy mustache. She looked at it quizzically before shifting the confused look back to Discord. It wasn't very flattering on a mare, but I'm sure it would drive all the lady-walruses into a frenzy... or is it "walri?" Eh, whatever.
Discord pointedly ignored the author's tangent and continued, "From this point on, you are the Lorjacks and you speak for the trees. Any questions?"
"Uhh... what's with the mustache?"
"No questions? Alright, good luck, dear Applejack!" Discord snapped his claw once more and they both disappeared.
And just as a snake
sheds it's old skins.
This prologue is done,
and our tale now begins.
"TIMBER!"
With a groan and a crack
the Gem Tree then fell
to the ground with a smack.
Two stallions rushed forward
to collect their reward.
They gathered the fruit
to add to their horde.
"Now aren't you glad, brother,
that you listened to me?
Few ponies realize
how juicy gem pears can be."
"Right you are, Flim!
I won't doubt you again.
I just wish chopping these trees
wasn't such a huge pain!"
The Flim Flam Brothers' laughter
echoed all around.
But a tree falling in the woods
DOES make a sound.
Flim noticed a hinge
on the stump of the tree.
He scratched his head,
"Now what could that be?"
Like a shot from a cannon
Applejack flew out the stump,
and she landed painfully
on her apple speckled rump.
Flam whispered to Flim,
"Isn't she from the Apple family?"
Flim merely shrugged,
"Doesn't look like it to me."
Applejack groaned
and rubbed her sore flank.
She stood on her hooves,
which were stiff as a plank.
"Now hold on, ya varmints,"
She said with a wheeze.
"Ah am the Lorjacks,
and Ah speak for them trees."
The brothers shared a look,
both utterly bemused.
The mare's strange entrance
left them completely confused.
The ever sly Flim
was the first to recover,
and he threw his hoof
around his dear brother.
"Now lookee here Flam
at this mustachioed filly!
But compared to yours
it looks really silly.
What's worse is her claim
to speak for the trees.
Nopony owns this land,
so we'll do as we please."
The Lorjacks prodded him hard
in the chest with her hoof.
And the campy stallion
let out a sharp
"ooph!"
"Now listen here, partner.
These trees're the last'a their kind.
Ya can't cut them all down.
Ya can't be that blind."
Flam held out a hoof
to cut her off there.
Then he brought forth
a shiny gem pear.
"Fruit such as this
we could sell for a mint.
We'll just cut down a few.
It won't make a dent."
The Lorjacks debated
what harm could befall
from missing a few trees.
"Just a few, but that's all."
The brothers returned
to their work on the trees,
while the Lorjacks kicked back
and made herself at ease.
She soon fell asleep
in a comfortable nap.
The two brothers laughed
and thought her a sap.
"'Just a few trees?'
Dear brother, that's rich."
"She wouldn't leave us alone
if we gave the real pitch."
The Lorjacks awoke
from a rough little shake.
A blue squirrel chattered loudly
and in fear it did quake.
The sight that she saw
got right under her skin.
A felled gem fruit tree
where the squirrel made his den.
The poor homeless critter
looked her right in the eye.
She looked at in in pity
as it started to cry.
She looked at the land
and her rage burned anew.
There were many trees cut.
Many more than a few.
She picked up the squirrel,
and let him ride on her hat.
"Those no good liars
are gonna pay for that!"
She spotted them harvesting
some fruits of bright red,
but she reached the closest one
and gave him a buck to the head.
The unlucky Flim
was knocked out quite cold.
She dared Flam to speak...
He wasn't as bold.
"Y'all cut down the tree
this poor critter called home
With nowhere ta live,
he'll be forced to roam.
Y'all cut down more trees
than anypony should need.
You'll pay the price
fer yer insatiable greed."
Flam stood paralyzed.
His mouth hung agape.
Was he about to die
or share his brother's fate?
"Now ya both clear out!
Ah got no more'ta say.
Leave these trees alone,
or Ah'll defend 'um MY way!"
Flam loaded his brother
on a beat up old cart.
And with a flash of his horn
away they did dart.
"Serves 'um right
fer lyin'ta me.
Come on little fella
let's find ya a new tree."
"CUT!"
Discord popped into existence, sitting in a folding chair with the word "director" stitched onto the back. He wore sunglasses, a black beret, and he was holding a megaphone in his claw.
Something wrong, Discord?
"You bet there is!" A screenwriters script popped into the air next to him and he started thumbing through it. "Aha! According to this, the Lorax is supposed to fail and all of the trees get cut down except for a tiny seed. 'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,/Nothing is going to get better. It's not.' That's how the story goes, Muffin."
We both know how the story goes, Discord. You changed the rules when you challenged Applejack.
Discord's eyes widened in fear, "So you're saying there is a chance I could lose?"
I wish he could see my smug smirk right now. Alas, that's the sad reality of being the disembodied voice of the writer. At least I could still make my voice drip with contempt. That's definitely a possibility.
Discord countered with a smirk of his own. "Guess I'll have to make a few adjustments of my own.
Exasperation permeated my voice, 'Adjustments' are what got you into this mess.
"Balderdash!"
Balderdash?
"Balderdash. It's a fun word, and nopony uses it as often as they should. Right along with flibbertigibbet and anemone. Anyway, I have a show to save!"
Discord disappeared and time resumed. Applejack walked deeper into the remaining trees to find a suitable place for the squirrel to live. On her way, she saw tons of animals displaced by their insensitive chopping. She was glad that the brothers had been run off and weren't going to return any time soon. At least that's what she thought...
With a rumbly roar
and a crashity crash,
A monstrous machine
through the trees did crash.
A giant metal contraption
with three shiny ax heads
crashed into the grove
on four metal legs.
Like a vicious hydra
the axes whirred around.
They each struck a tree
which fell to the ground.
The two pony brothers
laughed from above.
They thought they were awesome.
At least... sort of.
"Do you like our machine?
With the Choppy-McGrindy-Harvester-Supreme
we can work five times faster."
Oh, how their smiles did beam.
Two mechanical arms
popped out from the side.
and picked up the felled trees
to throw them inside.
The fruit was sorted
and the tree ground away.
The Lorjacks mus do something!
Without any delay!
She rushed to the trees
to get help from the critters.
But they all cowered in fear
and with anxious jitters.
"These are yer trees.
So let's take 'um back!
We've got the numbers
they certainly lack!
Ah've outsmarted 'um once
with the help'a my friends.
If y'all lend me yer paws,
then I'm sure we can win."
The animals were unsure.
But if this were to go on
the forest they loved
would surely be gone.
The first to step forward
was the bushy blue squirrel
who quickly allied
with the confident cowgirl.
The rest of them followed.
All paws were on deck.
The Lorjacks grinned.
"Let's give 'um heck!"
The machine plowed with ease
through the densest of forests
and the thickest of trees.
But their eyes widened in fear
at the sight of the bees.
A swarm big enough
to blot out the sun
came buzzing right at them.
This wouldn't be fun!
The cloud of insects
dove from the sky.
As one single cloud
they did fly.
The brother's swatted away
as many as they could,
but with a swarm that big
it just did no good.
Flam thought quickly,
and he conjured a shield.
Against the invaders
inside they were sealed.
The dense cloud of bees
made their vision unclean.
There was no way for them
to steer their machine.
The Choppy-McGrindy-Harvester-Supreme
hobbled around blindly.
Score one for the home team!
But they weren't finished yet.
No, that was just step one!
The brothers would be crying
before they were done.
Then one metal leg
got caught in a hole.
Dug by gophers and prairie dogs
and a single pink mole.
The machine pitched to the side
and spilled the two out.
Flim fell on his rump.
Flam fell on his snout.
This time it was Flim
who begged for his life.
"We leave for real this time!
We don't want anymore strife!"
The Lorjacks looked skeptical.
She didn't trust their words.
So she gave a loud whistle
calling a flock of colorful birds.
The birds of all colors,
Yellows, greens, blues, and reds,
chased the pair out their grove,
viciously pecking their heads.
When the dust had all settled,
the Lorjacks looked around.
Her heart dropped heavily
at the sight that she found.
The land was destroyed
not a single tree stood.
The devious brothers
had cleared them good.
She walked around sadly
pawing at the mud and dirt.
She failed the trees and the critters,
that's what most hurt.
Discord floated down from the sky gripping a red parasol. When his hoof and claw touched the ground, he closed the parasol and twirled it around like a cane as he strolled smugly up to Applejack.
"Aww. It seems I won the bet. You know what that means, don't you?"
Applejack glared viciously at the smug draconequis. "Ya may not be stone anymore, but Ah reckon yer heart still is. These poor critters don't have a home anymore now that all them trees are gone."
Discord blew a loud raspberry, and pouted, "Why do you have to ruin my fun while I'm trying to gloat?"
"Alright, you win! Are ya happy now?" She tried to stay tough, but Discord noticed the tears gathering at the corner of her eyes.
He frowned and muttered guiltily, "Not entirely."
"Is there any way you can use yer magic ta regrow um?"
"I'm afraid not. The trees had too much innate magic for me to do more than make them sing 'Ode to Joy'."
Applejack sighed, but a curious sound makes her perk up her ears. The same blue squirrel who had been riding on her hat the whole time chattered loudly and leaped to the ground. It pointed enthusiastically and started running. It beckoned with a paw, indicating that she should follow him. Her curiosity piqued, Applejack followed the critter into the middle of the grove.
Growing right in the middle of the grove was a small sapling. It bore no fruit or flower, but three small leaves protruded from the stem. It was if an occult hand had raised it up from the depths of the earth. The last of the gem fruit trees.
Applejack grinned widely. She felt a light tap on her foreleg. Her little blue friend held up a small red seed, offering it as a gift. She smiled at the small creature and graciously accepted its gift. She would plant her own tree in the field, and give it a good home where it could grow big and healthy.
Suddenly, she was struck with a thought. "Oh, Discord! Seems there's still one little tree growin' here. Looks like Ah won the bet. So now YOU gotta work on the farm fer a week without usin' magic."
Discord's jaw dropped and thudded heavily on the ground. He didn't expect to lose, especially not after he went through all the effort to build the darn machine for those sleazy stallions.
"Fine, but I sure hope the dealership will let me return this." He pulled out a set of car keys from behind his back. He clicked a button on the remote and the Choppy-McGrindy-Harvester-Supreme chirped twice before vanishing completely.
"Hold on! So you built that?"
"Yeah, so?"
"That's cheatin'!"
"I never said I wouldn't get involved." He slapped on a pair of sunglasses and in bright neon colors the phrase 'Deal With It' blinked above his head.
Applejack gritted her teeth, but she didn't say anything else. She would have her revenge. A full week of it under Celestia's hot sun. Maybe she'd even ask the Princess to turn up the heat just a tad to make the draconequis sweat. The thought of Discord strapped to a plow, panting in exhaustion was almost enough to make her laugh, but there was one last piece of business to attend to.
"What about the other part'a our deal?"
"How could I forget. Here is the book. I hope your friend Twilight Sparkle finds it as touching as I did." He handed the small book to Applejack, who stored it securely under her hat. Discord snapped his claws and sent her back home.
"That was a dirty trick, Atomic." He snapped his claws once again and vanished.
Applejack reappeared in the her south field. Finding a suitable spot she pulled out the seed and buried it into the soft loamy soil. As if by magic, a small shoot immediately started to grow. A thin sapling stood where mere seconds ago she had planted a single seed. It's leave were a bright emerald green and growing on the sturdiest branch was a single bright red gem apple.
Victory was had.
She had won the day!
And she did it all
the Apple Family way.
So remember this tale.
Because if somepony asks you
to destroy something's home,
then what would YOU do?
This story is finished,
but I have more up my sleeve!
I will see you again
on Hearth's Warming Eve...
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Don't tell me Celestia is that kind of a troll.
I've never actually read 'The Lorax', but this was a nice reimagining nonetheless. I enjoyed it immensely. I get the feeling Discord will play the Grinch himself for Hearth's Warming Eve.
3609875 And Discord's heart grew three sizes that day,
Bursting out of his chest, scaring the children away.
Discord better be the grinch because by God, who else would fit the bill?
...Inb4 Chrysalis.
3609933
God, I could so see that.
Except it would be the adults scared away, kids think it's cool.
They'd never seen anything like this back in school.
ALL OF MY YES
3609946 Nice rhymes.
It's infectious!
Everything needs Dr. Seuss style fanfictions. No exceptions.
3609978 I am Cheerilee
I speak for the foals
What you're doing is tragic
Just what are your goals?
Fluttershy meets the Grinch?
Hmm, I think the Element of Generosity would have moral dilemmas stealing from foals.
3610017 I just really enjoy that line. "I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees." I was pretty worried about this one though. I really like the morals that the story offers and I knew that it would be hard to keep them while making it silly and lighthearted. The Butter Battle Book will be even more difficult.
That story was great
I have to say
lets hope the next chapter
arrives right away!
Also Discord should be the Grinch! He really really really needs to be the Grinch man!
3610210 I think I replied to the wrong comment. That's my fault, not yours. I really like your work and agree with you about the message. My apologies for the confusion.
3610255 Oh, they'll find the body; it'll just be in a different format.
3610255>>3610289 Clever. Both of you. Bravo!
Well Discord would be perfect, but going from a truly Grinchy Attitude, I think Gilda would fit the bill better, she is a Grinch.
Also, please tell me that either Spike or one of the Diamond Dogs fills the role of Max, having to pull the sleigh?
I imagine that discord would make quite the grinch,
but Trixie I think would work well in a pinch.
Either way those decisions are yours to be made,
I can't wait to read it on hearths warming day.
3609875 You've never read the Lorax? But...but...the feels! There are so many!
3610210
This chapter made me think of this video:
So, does this mean that you're gonna go "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? I. CAN"T. WAIT!
Discord as the Grinch. That would be awesome!
How the grinch-cord stole Christmas ?