• Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 16th, 2019

Phantom Writer


Comments ( 256 )

3372181 Yeeeah, you don't appear to have ever encountered the English language in written form before.

3372198 Keep telling yourself that.

It has potential, just please for the love of god, find an editor.

I will follow this along and see where it goes :D but I must agree that you need to find an editor

3372308
3372250

I am in the middle of looking for a editor to help me out.

Interesting idea, can't actually say that I've read anything like this before. Bit of room for improvement language wise but other than that it was alright.

I'd be happy to read over your chapters before you post them if you want.
~Tschloken~

interesting story. I can't say I have read something like this before. looks good.

Phantom Writer are you going to be able to make chapters for this story and on the another stories that are not complete on your account at the same time and i like this one

3373139

Yes, I can still write on the other story's I have up.

Hey Phantom Writer, this story is very interesting. It's true that it needs an editor but I've read stuff with much worse grammar and spelling. :pinkiegasp: I'm looking forward to reading more. Good luck :eeyup:

What's with all the down votes? This is quite good for a first chapter.

3377601I'm with you on that. I like this story a lot already. Keep it coming.

I don't see why this has so many downvotes...its good!

MOAR! http://mylittlefacewhen.com/f/321/

(btw I'm calling it now! rarity's going to be a Pony supremacist)

I like it. :pinkiesmile: The story looks good, it has a good story line, and it makes you want to read more.

I like it, which is why I'm still reading it but there are a few things that make it hard for me to become completely immersed in the story.:pinkiesad2:
The big one is that you're telling what's happening and not showing. You don't take time to use descriptive words that could really leave their mark in making the scene more than just words on a page. I mean, I can still easily read it and see what's happening in my mind but that's through my interpretation of how the characters are in FiM. If you want, I'll give you an example.

Celestia's sun was beginning to slowly go down as Matt sat outside near a fence as he painted the hills he saw from the barn.
He heard a dog bark, making him turn his head. He saw Applejack pulling a wagon full of apples. He noticed a small yellow filly sound asleep on top of the apple's with Aj's hat on. He noticed just how perfect the whole scene looked, he quickly pulled out a blank canvas and began to paint.

There's how you wrote it. Here's how you could have shown it.

Celestia's sun began to go on it's setting journey when Matt set up outside, near the fence. Now that he could paint once more,he could at last capture the beauty of the rolling hills illuminated in Celestia's light on his canvas. As his brush busily tried to duplicate this beauty the sharp, joyous bark of a dog caught his attention. His eyes snapped to the the source to find Applejack hauling a wagon full of apples. A yellow Filly lied on the peak of the mound, he face in the quiet state of sleep. The scene before him was even more beautiful and picturesque than the hills that lay before him, a smile silently grew across his face as he brought out a new canvas.
The brush danced across the plain surface, attempting to immortalize the scene it's wielder was witnessing. Every stroke was soft, yet firm, and every every line flowed in the serenity of tranquility. The look on Matt's face grew more tender yet focused with every stroke of the brush. His smile, this moment, was something that he knew no one could take away from him. This feeling was one that was his, and his alone, in the radiance of Celestia's setting sun. With these thoughts in mind, and the air of complete, relaxed bliss, he painted.

The characters are developed well and the concept of something new to Applejack is beautifully shown. :twilightsmile: There's also the concept that Matt, who has had his ways practically inscribed into him from birth, might actually start to lighten up a bit. :pinkiehappy: Overall, I know this story is gonna be good and I can't wait for the next installment. :pinkiegasp:

Oh shit! well I guess you made me eat my own words with rarity, but I'm kinda glad you did:raritywink:

3411801

Thanks. Do you mind if I use that in my rewrite for this chapter? If not that is fine with me.

3413321
Of course, my pleasure. Like I said, this is a good stoy, so anything I can do to help, I'd jump at the chance.:twilightsmile:

3413346
Thanks, I look forward to the next installment. Let me know if you need any help and have a lot of fun :twilightsmile:

3413353

I'll make sure to inform you if I need any help with the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

Yay. I was actually somewhat afraid you wouldn't continue this story. But you are. All hail the Phantom Writer!

I like the Idea, but please get an editor. The grammar and other mistakes are very distracting. I hope I didn't offend.

3427848

I have gotten an editor. And you didn't offend me at all, In fact it helps me out knowing I need help.

damn this is a good story....really great job man:ajsmug:

Honestly the writing isn't that great in and of itself. However, the way you handle story progression and the way you actually tell the story is top notch. Keep writing and you'll improve in no time. One thing you should really do is spend more time showing the reader what's going on rather then just telling. Honestly I'm fine with stories that don't show a lot of detail. But for the sake of becoming a better writer, you might want to try doing that. I look forward to your next chapter.

Slow the fuck down. Applebloom hates him and then likes him again within half of this chapter.

Also: Gary stu.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too.:pinkiehappy: Although its not Thanksgiving where live yet.:fluttercry: Great chapter, I can't wait for the next.

3466023

Actually, She doesn't hate him, She was mad at him for not giving her the rope, She still doesn't like him all that much.

3466509

That doesn't change much. You still wrote a complete sub-plot in half a chapter.

Most of the problems I see are the same ones I pointed out last time, the "show don't tell" stuff. The story itself is going well with character development but the pace in a few areas seemed a bit rushed. I'm loving the story so far, hope you're having fun with it.

Uprising that is the song that is going through my head right now and if the humans rise up and find their old technology and I see an American flag in background.:pinkiehappy:

This is good. I saw this a while back but never got around to reading it.

The doctor returned and looked at Applejack, "She's going to make a full recovery, we've stitched up the cut on her head, but she still has a little water in her lungs. It was a good thing you performed CPR when you did or she might have made it," he said to Aj.

I think you mean 'It was a good thing you performed CPR when you did or she might not of made it', note the word 'not'. Just a small missing word that has a Big impact on the meaning of that statement.

On a readers note

I am loving this story. Can't wait to dig into the next chapter when it comes out.

I'm also loving Matthew's personality, and this mist pony that 'might' be Luna has my interest peaked. Though, I know we didn't get much on him from the show, but Braeburn's inner thoughts sound kind of... Off? Like he has a grudge or something? I don't know maybe I'm over speculating this whole Braeburn thing, he is just a character with next to no background information.

Anyway I shall await the next chapter my good Phantom.

Edit: did I ramble to much on that readers note or is it just me over speculating again?

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