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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think I just OD'd on this chapter's epicosity.
I like it. The story looks good, it has a good story line, and it makes you want to read more.
I like it, which is why I'm still reading it but there are a few things that make it hard for me to become completely immersed in the story.
The big one is that you're telling what's happening and not showing. You don't take time to use descriptive words that could really leave their mark in making the scene more than just words on a page. I mean, I can still easily read it and see what's happening in my mind but that's through my interpretation of how the characters are in FiM. If you want, I'll give you an example.
There's how you wrote it. Here's how you could have shown it.
The characters are developed well and the concept of something new to Applejack is beautifully shown. There's also the concept that Matt, who has had his ways practically inscribed into him from birth, might actually start to lighten up a bit. Overall, I know this story is gonna be good and I can't wait for the next installment.
Oh shit! well I guess you made me eat my own words with rarity, but I'm kinda glad you did
3411801
Thanks. Do you mind if I use that in my rewrite for this chapter? If not that is fine with me.
3413321
Of course, my pleasure. Like I said, this is a good stoy, so anything I can do to help, I'd jump at the chance.
3413335
Thanks I'll make sure to give you credit
3413346
Thanks, I look forward to the next installment. Let me know if you need any help and have a lot of fun
3413353
I'll make sure to inform you if I need any help with the next chapter.
3413403
Sounds great to me!
Happy to help
Yay. I was actually somewhat afraid you wouldn't continue this story. But you are. All hail the Phantom Writer!
3427848
I have gotten an editor. And you didn't offend me at all, In fact it helps me out knowing I need help.
you are the best ive seen so far, keep it up!
Few mistakes I noticed may have missed some
Chapter 2
cloth's - clothes
privet - private
What?? This is awesome
Crows feet?
When did he say that?
What happened to this man? He got PTSD?
They didn’t.
That has to be his last owner.