• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Rumble


No matter your age, everyone has the potential to be a great writer. You aim high and reach higher. We can all be awesome as long as we never give up.

T

The Wonderbolts are down on numbers for this year's Winter tour of Equestria. Spitfire captain of the team asks Rainbow Dash to help out.

Dash is overjoyed that she is finally living her foalhood dream, but little does Dash know that her idol and hero wants to be more than just friends...

Meanwhile Spitfire's brother Blazing Fire has problems coming to terms with being a caring brother.


Edited by: Michael A.
Special thanks to SolidFire for help with Editing

Chapters (32)
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Comments ( 927 )
Spacecowboy
Story Approver

Ruirik, when he sees this, is totally going to joygasm all over your words as he reads it.

Carry on, good sir.

3393905

fyi: ruirik wrote fire & rain
best dashfire fic ever

Spacecowboy
Story Approver

3393905
Hmm, forgot to mention. I love a good DashFire. Ruirik is the Fire and Rain fellow, if you've read that one.

I'll leave some comments once I can really sit down and read this, I look forward to being impressed.

3393905
He's the author of one of the best DashFire stories ever written. His adoration for a story like this should make your day, week, and quite possibly your month.

~SolidFire

3393927
Hehe, yeah, I hadn't refreshed my page for a bit when I wrote that. So a train of comments all saying the same thing was born.

~SolidFire

3393931 I have done that more time's then I care to admit.

~ Michael

Chrysalis is best pony!
That is all
~ Michael

Her majesty appreciates your affection lovesack, although she hates being compared to food.

Chrysalis is best pony!
That is all

thats a damn lie! shes a gross bug!

3394102 GO AWAY!!!

~a very pissed off Michael

3394065 Ah! A fellow Changeling I see! How's it going at the hive?

~ Michael

3394102 yeah sorry twi he hates it when people say that ~ Alex:scootangel:

Well, great job, both of you on this.
I'm not into the whole shipping stuff, but you guys did nice with this so far, get a like!
Oh, and in Ch one...

“Ai yai yai!” Soarin yelled

You're already referencing it, aren't you Micheal?

3394286 *Nervously shifts his eyes from side to side* I have no idea what you are talking about...

~ Michael

Oh.My.Holy.Good.GOD!

SpitDash?

This is how I first reacted ---> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH DFSKDFSJDFS;KJFSD;KSDFSDFLKHFDS;LKAFDSHFADSKL;HDFASLKFDASHDFSKLDSFAHDSF

I calmed down after an eternity later XD

I love SpitDash! Gosh, it's such an underrated Ship! And from you?! I love you! I love all your work! I can't wait for you to keep updating this!
Did you just post everything today? Because...I know it's pathetic, but I check their tags everyday XD And all of this just popped out right now! And ugh! I can't wait to keep reading! Thank you so much for making this fic! You are awesome!!! <3

btw...I'm pretty sure that Wonderbolts with the blue mane is Misty Fly XD
Unless you're working with an OC, then yeah XD

3394409 Thank you! And no, the story is not done yet. We wanted to post the first few chapter then release the rest over time. I'm glad that you like this so far and don't fear, more is on its way!

Oh and thanks for the love! I tend to get hungry around this time.

~ Michael

love the story so far cant wait to read this chapter and the rest of them # LIKE #FAVE #YOLO SWAG

Apparently I've got a reputation for DashFire, I shall give this a read through later tonight after I'm done writing and drawing.

More DashFire is always a good thing, let's see how this goes. :moustache:

3395890 Oh my Celestia, my brother is going to sh#t his pants when he sees that you commented! Anyway, I hope you like it! I honestly can't wait to see what you have to say about it!

~ Michael

3395890 *squels loudly in the background* ... thank you sir!! :scootangel::scootangel: (utterly huge fan btw)~Alex

3396141>>3396126

Check your user page comments boys, I left something there for ya.

And I promise, I will leave comments when I get to reading this later tonight.

3396141 Called it...and ouch my ears!

~ Michael

There's a typo in your description; it should be "year's" not "years". Seasons are not capitalized. While not wrong, it doesn't need to be centered. All the bold and italics are confusing. "Colorful cyan mare" is a pretty severe case of LUS.

Your description tells people what to expect from your story, and your description tells me there's going to be lots of weird style choices and blunt narration. I tried reading the first two paragraphs and the description certainly kept its promise.

Your second sentence is a run-on. Your third sentence is pointlessly vague (organized chaos? multicolored mare?). Your fourth, fifth, and sixth sentences repeat themselves (she had decided to do something because she wanted to do that thing?) and bluntly drop details on the reader. Your seventh sentence is ridiculously long; not only should it be at least three different sentences but you reuse the "multicolored mare" descriptor and dump in countless details that the reader could already figure out.

Looks like it only got featured because it had a lot of chapters on publish and is a popular ship. I won't bother downvoting it, but I'm definitely not going to bother reading it either.

3396523 okay will change the typo and um thanks for the comment :rainbowderp: ~Alex

3396538 Sorry if I was blunt, but I call them like I see them.

3396544 Haha, It's okay. You expressed your opinion and I respect that. You gave us your honest opinion and explained what you found "wrong" or what bugged you. This is good because it helps us get better. I know what you are talking about with some of the style and wording but do take into account this is my brothers second attempt at writing a story.

~ Michael

Alright then, only had time for one chapter tonight. Apologies for that, I got carried up in my own work. Now then, here's just a quick (tired) smattering of thoughts before I call it a night.

You've got a perfectly good idea going with the story, i.e., Wonderbolts need assistance for some shows, so they get Dash. That said this is all proceeding from zero to sixty very quickly. I would have rather seen two or three chapters with just the Wonderbolts so you could have set up their personalities and dynamics before you brought Rainbow into the equation. That isn't to say the way you're doing it now is wrong, it just means you'll need to be careful with how you unfold those character dynamics later.

It's never a good idea to open a story with the weather report (i.e., "The sun shone down over blah blah blah"). There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but it's never a very engaging opening. What's the atmosphere of the scene? Show me what it feels like to be in Ponyville, or Canterlot, or wherever the scene is on that day. Give your readers time to stop and smell the roses along the way and really build the atmosphere, and watch out for telly things like "she did this, then she did that".

I know what you're trying to do with "the multicolored mare", and I was guilty of a similar crime in the early days of Fire & Rain (I occasionally referred to Rainbow as "the polychromatic mare"). It's bad form and adds nothing to the story. Unless there is a specific reason to avoid using her name and obscuring her identity, use the proper noun of "Rainbow Dash".

Okay, it's getting really late/early so I'll just bullet point a few more rambles:
-It was jarring as hell for me to see Blazing Fire as Spitfire's brother, but that's because I spent 130,000 words writing Rapidfire. That's not a strike on you, that's a strike on my crazy ass.
- The color of Rainbow Dash's coat is very light cerulean (sky blue), not cyan. It's a common error, and one I made myself for a while.
-Never randomly bold dialogue text. It looks jarring to the reader and doesn't add anything. To emphasize something, use italics or reinforce the dialogue with an action, it feels more natural then.
-Your dialogue is fine, although a touch mechanical. A trick I use to practice writing dialogue is to go into a public place with a notebook and a pen, listen to a conversation around you and transcribe it. Don't look at the people you're writing, and don't use people you know. This method helps you learn voicing and flow. Failing that, you might quote exchanges you've heard in real life or said to a friend.
-It's 4 am, I'm going to sleep. To be continued after old man Ruirik has had a good 6 hour nap.

3396810 wow thank you so much for all this info. I never knew that Rainbow Dash wasn't cyan since I've heard about it so much in other fics so thanks I'll get to fixing this. :derpytongue2:

Yes the 'weather report' um hehe I'm huge at doing that so I'll head back over and change a few openings they'll be easy to fix. :raritywink:

However I do agree with the starting being a little too quick, but then again I didn't want to really bore any reader into skimming over chapters, something that I'm very fond of doing in certian fics. (not yours by the way praise every scentence) :scootangel:

It's kinda wierd seeing all the problems that are sort of invisible to you, but I take in every word and I'll probably have all these problems finished by the time you return. :twilightsmile:

Thank you so much for reading the first chapter though Ruirik, I know you've probably heard this thousands of times over from people but I'm just over the moon your even looking at my fic, especially since this is only my second true attempt at writing a fic so thank you for all the advise so far!. :scootangel: ~Alex

Oh and P.S - I had a conversation with my brother and we changed Spitfire's brother from Rapid Fire becuase we sort of feared that people would say it's exactly like your story.

This FanFiction is so perfect... it may just drive me insane :pinkiecrazy:

I don't normally read stories like this but you did great! Can't wait for more! Here, have a Like and a Favorite! I also may comment later because I'm not finished yet but so far I'm loving it!!! :pinkiehappy: P.S. I like the author's note at the bottom. It's not the average and I like A) The explaining that happened in the chapter and B) The small amount of humor that's thrown in! Keep it up!

3398308>>3398310 Thank you so much!

~ Michael

This story makes me smile :pinkiehappy: I don't know why.

This is a great story! As I said in a previous comment, this isn't my type of story but I really liked this one a lot! Thanks for the story!!! :twilightsmile: Can't wait for more!

3398428 as the proper author I completely thank you this has been weeks of work and it's great to see people love it and i should have a chapter up by tomorrow :raritywink::scootangel: ~Alex

3398422 I dunno which one was what, he changes them frequently but thats just my bro... he's mental :twilightsheepish:

annother good story is fire and rain

3398634 100% agree, best DashFire ever made and I'm so happy that the author even commented on this fic :scootangel: ~Alex

Depends what race of pony you are for the doors. Blue door is open sky, red door is Daring Do trap. Pegasi can fly out the blue door, unicorns can disarm the red door, and earth ponies are screwed either way. :pinkiehappy:

I still like my rendition of the door choices

FUCK I HAVE TO WAIT PLZZ dont take long to update #YOLO SWAG # LIKE-N-FAV:twilightsheepish:

3403707 That is Genius! Except there is one problem, we're all humans...

~ Michael

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