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One thousand years ago, King Sombra ripped the Crystal Empire from the world, leaving the crystal ponies a nation without a home.
One year ago, the Empire returned and Sombra was defeated, thanks to the valiant efforts of Shining Armor, Princess Cadance, and Spike the Dragon.
Today, a handful of the Crystal Empire's lost children finally find their way home
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This is a topic that I don't think anyone has anyone has thought much about. That is a good point, unless the Empire was extremely isolationist there is bound to have been refugees. I've tried to work that into my own headcanon, but even then I take the route that the Crystal Ponies who lived in Equestria were unable to breed true and died out. I look forward to seeing more, and seeing how you explain how the refugees were able to live for 1000 years
Whatever Recollection they have..it will be an intense and amazing thing.
I look forward to this all..and I wonder how they'll react to Cadance of all ponies?
...
This is going along really well so far, I can't wait to see their reactions to a new non-crystal pony ruler on the throne.
It makes sense - if the refugees settled somewhere other than Equestria, they might not speak the same language.
So far, you're doing pretty good. The plot is interesting and seems fairly well thought-out so far. The ponies are all more or less in character, as far as I can tell. I've got no complaints about the technical aspects of your writing (grammar, spelling, etc.).
The one thing I recommend you work on is the dialogue. You have the pilgrims' conversations go on way too long. Stories in general are much more interesting when you keep the plot moving at a decent pace rather than getting bogged down in talking.
Well, that is fresh idea, refugees of the empire, and ponies still living on the old lands isn't something I expected to see too. And cute little thing called "language barrier" - the further the better! Writing seems clear and straight, no problems with inner logic, so it's easy to read... I'm definitely looking for more and it'll be "priority read".
PS: shouldn't there be "crystal pony" character tag?
Your premise is interesting, though your prose feels to lack a bit. But that can be excused-- you say that you've not done much creative writing in years.
Your dialogue seems a bit bare. Like you're simply using it to reach a goal. You're developing your characters through it, but that amount of development feels small.
Tiny typo:
"We went one south to Equestria…"
We sent one
Is more of this coming soon?
Well now, it's interesting to see that the pilgrims have a different culture when the ponies who were banished with the cities don't. It must be something the picked up in exile. It would be interesting to see if Equish is a combination of different languages, the way Yiddish is. I also like the different names for the pony tribes.
Back in chapter 1, you described Seven as being 'iridescent.' To my understanding, that's not a colour and the context implies you were looking for a colour. Besides, all Chrystal Ponies are 'iridescent' to some degree. It's in their nature. Perhaps you should choose another word?
I am looking forward to more.
If you're still receiving notices about comments on your fimfiction stories, then I hope you'll read this one. I've always thought it was a real shame you never were able to come back and do more with No Place Like Home, which has a seriously great concept. I hope some day you'll be able to continue working on it.
At first, you had my curiosity. Now, you have my attention.
Twilight can probably read, write and speak Equish... Underwater, in her sleep in the dark. Maybe even upside down.