Loves to read and write, I decided to try writing fanfiction after a long hiatus thanks to ponies
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Rainbow Dash7,247 stories ·4,139 members
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One of my best friends died recently. Why?
Why did she have to die and not me? Why couldn't I save her, why wasn't I fast enough? Why her?
They tell me to move on and accept the fact that she is gone. That its impossible to stop death and to bring a pony back.
I am Rainbow Dash, and I laugh in the face of impossible. I am about to make the impossible happen, even if it kills me.
Cover art by Dim Wit Dog
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Well this is gonna be depressing
3365206
If I wrote this right, I hope the ending will be uplifting.
This is being put on my favourites NOW!!! Such a well written story, and it does exactly what it's supposed to. I was thinking of Flutters the whole time while reading this, it just seemed like Fluttershy would have been the one to die for this story.
3365228
So... who was killed? Might make more sense if your not just saying "My Friend", and giving names.
3365272
Any one of them. I didn't want to make it a name or to give it a face. I wanted to be done in a way so that any of the girls could be in trouble. I was going more for that this is the type of thing Dash would've done for any pony
3365283 Silly Alchemystudent you forgot a couple folders.
Great story by the way, you actually had me cry a bit towards the end.
I always like stories that take off of Orpheus. Really good
3365434
Ahhh, I love it when I can get out emotion from my readers
3365565
Thanks, it was one of the earilest myths that I had ever read and I like to work with it.
3365658
Ever thought of doing other greek myths?
You, sir, have won my "Feels of the Year" award congratulations!
The story was excellent, the resolution heartwarming, and the fact that you left the dead mare unnamed was perfect. I feel it added to the story by leaving a hole for the reader to fill in. (for the record, I saw the mare in question as Pinkie)
Absolutely, brilliantly written.
Pronouns initially felt clumsy, but once they became established, the story seemed to flow quite well.
Five friends. The idea that Spike is the only character who doesn't have any friends in a show that's supposed to be about friendship is pretty sad and ridiculous. That frown-inducing detail stuck with me through the rest of the fic, making it hard to enjoy, even after the obvious inclusion of Greek myth and that little nod to the original series.
This casual neglect of an orphaned character with abandonment issues, who's furthermore being raised in a society he doesn't fit in, is slowly conditioning me to dislike the mane six. Such a thing will never happen, but I get pushed a little further in that direction every time I come across stuff like this.
So, just a question, who did you have in mind for 'the friend'? Was there a specific member of The Mane 6 you had in mind?
3366520
Thanks, it's not always that I write in totally first person like this. I usually go third omipresent.
3366666
You're right, I should've fixed that. I feel bad when I leave Spike out of my fics and ignore him. It's something I am going to fix soon though.
3367063
Nope, had none in my mind at all. All through my head I just kept changing who it was as I wrote it. I wanted the audience to decide who it was.
3367063 I personally believe it was Pinkie Pie.
3367351 At first I thought that too, but then only Fluttershy could come to mind
Ok... I'm rather confused... this story was... off. Really really off.
As a writer, I can't tell you much. You had an idea, you developed it and you wrote it well. I'm a complete novice, so it would be hypocrite tell you something about that.
But as a reader... I can't say I appreciated this. Someone died, and Rainbown feels guilty. Ok till then. Exists the possibility to just waltz into tartarus and bring her back. Odd, but is fine. Especially because to do so is needed a power held by only the princesses. Just, said princesses have no problem about giving it to the first pony around to insist more than a minute.
There I started having doubts.
In their millenia of rule, millions of pony died, and probably several for not natural means. If is so easy to get their permission, just how many ponies were allowed down there? It would not be a sign of wisdom for a princess to just let seberal of their subjects into hell itself to get killed.
But then you find out the last one to do so was Orfeus, in so remote times to be a legend. And in the meanwhile, no one else? Why rainbow? Why THIS dead? Because there was an element of harmony involved? Sorry, it doesn't sit with me. Death is equal.
Then you skip with a few words a epic travel of horror and adventure. The result is that there is no adventure at all. Tag seems abused.
The ending. They bring her back, with a random burst of friendship power. Such a Deus ex Machina is worthy of the time of said Orfeus. Ancient Greek.
After this... nothing of this story was left in me as a reader. An impression, a strong feeling. Nothing.
I hope you do not feel insulted by this comment, and you will take it as Constructive criticism, but just... this story was a no for me.
Yours
Komodo
3551526
Insulted? Me? Never.
I take every comment as they come and take it all in stride. Yes, I see your points and I will look into that more often.
I appreciate the comments always so thank you
In-Depth Review:
I like talking about things in a long, complicated, objective manner. I don't get sentimental about things; that's not my job. I'm not going to deliver any comments about how the story would have affected me if I had a soul. Because I don't. However, you want a review, and so I shall deliver said review.
Let's start with the good. Lots of feelings of remorse and regret: good. Giving no explanation to how said remorse came about: bad. Trust me, nothing is better for tragic stories than guaranteeing that negative emotions are felt by the main character, and you did a fine job with this.Unfortunately, not only is there no story of how the character is responsible in some way, but we don't even know who it was that did die. You said that this was done to make sure anyone could be placed in the role so that it would not detract from the story, but for me, it did the exact opposite. I don't know who I'm supposed to be mourning, and as a side-effect, I don't care. What if Lyra died? I don't even know who that is, but given the complete lack of any unique character traits in this story, that seems like an equally fair guess as to who was lost (maybe Twilight was out for the evening, which is why only four of them showed up).
But enough of that; what else was there? Use of Greek gods: good. Transferring an entire myth into MLP lore, Tartarus and all: bad. Trust me, the Greeks had the best gods of all history (because they were backstabbing, egotistical, selfish, incest-loving, monster-slaying jerks), but that does not mean they should just be needlessly transferred into the adventures in this story because they happen to be Greek gods. Really, the whole telling of the myth of Orpheus was just extra fluff to tell us which Greek myth we were supposed to be recalling, and served no other purpose.
But the best and worst parts in my opinion? The premise, and the way that premise is realized. Now, premises filled with characters feeling deep regret, sorrow and remorse are good because they allow for character study to occur, where we learn more about them. The best instance of this was when a message to Scootaloo was written, displaying Rainbow Dash's hopes and aspirations for her. That was pretty damn good. However, everything else felt like it moved way too quickly. It feels like there was so much potential for something really deep and interesting, but it was pushed out because you didn't see anything to develop, or just wanted to get an idea over with and out of the way. Honestly, this whole thing could have been five times longer, taken more time to develop, dive deeper into the influences for character actions, and a lot more (including a whole new level of depth to the lore.) But that never came about, and it kinda disappointed me. One example would have been sufficient: it is said that the group defeated many minions on their way to rescue their friend, but that never happened. All I got from that paragraph was that Hell was really scary, and anyone could just stop by and ask for their friend back from Satan (who has apparently never witnessed an act of love in his entire eternity-long existence).
However, if there was one thing that this story showed, it was that you have a lot of potential for a writer; you just need to do something with it. Make a twenty-thousand word long story about something with a lot of deep character moments that make people feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside (granted they have human emotions, and they weren't programmed for hatred like I am.) That would be pretty sweet. ANyway, that's it for my ultimate display of cynicism. Keep on writing, and farewell.
(Side note: Fluttershy died. The cove shows Rainbow Dash looking at wings...Fluttershy has wings... Fluttershy died...the end.)
YES
I KNOW THE WAY YOU GOT THE LEGEND OF ORPHEUS
I WAS LEARNING ABOUT GREEK MITHOLOGY AND MY GRADE HAD TO PERFORM PLAYS OF DIFFERENT GREEK STORIES AND ONE OF THE PLAYS WAS ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!
sorry, fan girl moment
I did not like this. While the concept and premise was solid, the story as whole was generic, short, fast paced. A lot more could have been written. And the fact that you deliberately chose to not give the characters besides Dash their own personality makes your writing look lazy. Great concept, poor execution.
Kinda wish this had a sequel where they restored her memory