• Member Since 5th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Jan 19th, 2015

vx2254


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The newest story of mine, and a bit of a special in the spirit of Halloween. The premise behind it being; what if the Dark Magic Twilight used at the beginning of Season 3 had side effects, side effects that have not had any noticeable effect on her until recently? What if King Sombra, a powerful Dark Magic user, wasn't entirely defeated by Twilight and Company? What will become of Twilight and her friends? I won't spoil it, but I'll tell you it likely won't be a happy ending for anyone involved.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 66 )

I find it more than a little ridiculous that the character who is more loyal to Twilight - and knows her better - than anyone else is staying behind for...pretty much no reason whatsoever. Twilight is the most important person in Spike's life, yet it's mutually agreed by everyone that he's not coming, even though it has been demonstrated in canon that he sticks by her side in the most critical of situations, and that he can handle just as much danger.

It was also very irritating to see the other Element Bearers referred to as "her friends" rather than "their friends". It sounds like you're implying none of Spike's closest companions are his friends at all. Were that true, it would paint a very sad, ugly picture of his life. And it wouldn't make his alleged friends look too nice either.

Feeling bad about leaving Spike like this...

That's an easy fix, AJ; take him with you so he can help Twilight, like he's been dedicated to doing since childhood.

3367793

Well, thank you very much for your feedback, sir; constructive criticism is very much appreciated. I have other plans for Spike in the near future for this fic, mind you; plans that do not involve him facing Twilight alone, as to do so simply wouldn't end well; as you can see in chapter 3. I don't want to spoil too much, however, so I'm going to ask that you give me the benefit of the doubt here until you see what I have in store for him.

As the the issue of "Her friends, their friends"; I see where you're coming from here, and will do a quick edit to resolve this issue. Thank you for taking the time to read through this and I hope you enjoy the rest of the Fiction as it comes out.

3367793
But he was teleported to Celestia? Clearly the writer had far more plans for Spike than to simply tag along with the other 5 to the caves. Even then, he's a dragon whelpling, literally an infant. If anyone could look over the library whilst the 6 were gone, it would be the #1 assistant.

3372766

I will admit; initially I had no idea what role Spike could possibly play in this. The teleportation sequence was edited in because it was far more likely and ultimately a much better decision than just leaving him out of it altogether.

Comment posted by jidbrony deleted Oct 23rd, 2013

3388211

Yes, it'll be her Post-Conquest appearance.

3388809 Got it... I deleted the earlier comment because I missed the armor she wore earlier. I don't know why but I like Evil Twilight stories were she wears all the trappings of a over the top tyrant. Evil cloaks that blow in the wind and a pointy jagged crown... the good stuff.

3388815

Ah, understood. I mostly chose the Cover Art because it was the best Evil Twilight picture I could find on the internet.

im so excited for the next one... im so into it!!!:pinkiehappy: i do hope everyone goes back to normal but ill have to wait and see!! :ajsleepy::fluttercry::pinkiesad2::raritydespair::twilightoops:

3391988

I'm glad you're liking it so far. There's still a ways to go yes; I'll be introducing everyone's favorite braggart as she is post-war, expect interesting things to come of that. Hope you enjoy the rest of the fic once it's out.

Dang, the mane six are really in dire straits, ain't they? Fluttershy's mutated into a half-crystal pony and the other five are so far gone that they're committing some pretty brutal acts of violence without batting an eye.

I liked the good vs. evil dialogue, too, right before the fighting started. Celestia and Twilight's paragraphs make pretty good examples of where they both stand. The strong point of this is that Twilight has some actual reasoning behind her actions.

3393021

Oh yes, but it's much, much worse than that; they're still very aware of their actions, though they can't do anything about them. I know, such a case has been used before and can be rather cliche, or honestly heart-breaking if done right. As the Fic goes on, I'll detail some of the brutal acts and atrocities they commit, and hopefully in the aftermath of Empress Twilight's brutal regime, I will have written it well enough to have a deep impact. I'm confident in my abilities as a writer to make it so, but we'll see.

In the meantime; hope you enjoy the next several chapters as much as this one.

I'm glad you approve of the way I've written Twilight as well. I felt like a Possession Scenario simply would not do; the idea of a Corrupted Twilight certainly seems much more appealing to me and, fortunately enough, you readers. I'm happy to receive such a good reception, which motivates me to move this project along further.

A new challenger approaches?

3394040

Nah, just an old friend. You can probably already guess who based on the clue pertaining to a detail mentioned in an earlier chapter, and if not then you'll find out in the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

3394091

... Where in the world did that conclusion come from? :fluttershyouch: :trixieshiftright:

In all seriousness, though; I won't spoil it; you'll find out when I release the next chapter... Whener that may be :derpytongue2:

3394119 I know a group that would eat this up. Badass Twilight=Total Domination.

My read later list is already 200 stories too big so I guess I'll read this now:applejackunsure:

3394296

Right, then; hopefully you'll find it to be worth your time, good sir/madame.

3394312 Meh worst case scenario I'll just:twilightoops:, umm never mind:pinkiecrazy:

3394331

:rainbowderp: I don't know whether to be scared or amused.

Also, don't worry; I think you'll like the fix; as Fluttershy would say: You're... Going to LOVE THIS :flutterrage:

3394341Might want to work on your hooker a bit

3394371

Oh? Please elaborate.

3394380
I guess you could say it feels rushed. What you have published is more along the lines of a first or second draft instead of your finished product.
My suggestion is the most annoying and tedious one you will ever hear but here it is. Start a blank document and start rewriting it from memory and adding anything that pops in your head . After you have rewritten it act like that is your rough draft and pretty it up. Typically this second document will be longer and more organized since you already know what you want to happen in that chapter (My college essays had the same problem before I was taught to do this)

The main problem is your telling the story instead of showing us the story
Also you can repeat this process until it is as good as you want it to be

3394437

I see. Thank you for the advice; I'll consider this. A complete and total re-writing of all my currently-published content would take more time than I have to spare tonight, and nI'm working for the weekend; so I'll consider doing this at some point.

Out of curiosity; what exactly do you find to be rushed? Is there a lack of detail or am I simply putting the cart before the horse at points, so to speak?

3394484 lack of details would be hitting the nail on the head:twilightsmile:

3394488

I see; and do you see this as an issue all-around or just the opening chapter?

3394496Sorry got side tracked. I see it in the first and second chapters but I have not gotten to the third yet

3394496 I can say the writing quality does go up in later chapters though

3400651

Glad you think so. Which scene did you like best?

3400727I can't pick favorites (hell I cant even decide my favorite color)

I do love fics like this (you know currupted Twi) it feels rushed but that's what I like about this fic, its rushed and that feels out of place, perfect for Halloween.
Keep up the amazing work - Star:twilightsmile:

faily interesting story, though i am somewhat put off by the promise of really evil things to come. i always find when an author feels they need to put some darkness into the story, they really go too far.

with this corrupt twilight........... not sure. there is her becoming evil, and then there is her becoming evil and doing evil for the sake of evil even if said evil does not fit into her tendencies to act.......... not to mention the premise of her corruption makes little sense. celestia was able to use that black magic herself without harm, why would it harm twilight? more than anyhting, how could celestia not have a countermeasure in case twilight was hurt by the magic? cause obviously celestia herself would possess such a thing if she was unnaffected.

not to mention the idea of twilight becoming so powerful she overpowers both regal sisters........... i always find this one hard to buy. celestia alone i can understanding, we would have celestia dealing with a superior opponent, someone she would also not be willing to cause harm to. with luna, you not only have to deal with a very different set of skills, a mare who is at least almost as powerful is, the likelyhood that they know how to coordinate with each other, fighting two opponnents, and the fact that now with comparitvely far greater power, but the likelyhood that celestia would be far moer confident as they could overpower twilight without having to kill her.

3402080

All very valid questions, I will admit. I can assure you that I will not take the violence and darkness as far as Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory; no, I actually want to attract an audience for the story more than the shock-value.

As for the matter of Twilight's Corruption; I suppose I did explain it rather vaguely, if at all. See; she was a Unicorn when she used Black Magic. This is going off the assumption that Celestia used Black Magic after becoming an Alicorn, and therefore immune to such methods of corruption, that and King Sombra did not break off a piece of his own soul to tie into Celestia, as that would be impossible for reasons similar to the aforementioned explanation. Twilight may have been powerful prior to becoming a Princess, but she was still just a Unicorn, and therefore possible to corrupt; not instantly, as explained, but all it took was that one little piece of Sombra eating away at the back of Twilight's mind to bring about all this.

A recurring theme throughout this fic is that Unicorns feel a sort of deep connection with the magical forces of this world; they draw power from it as it flows through them; they can feel magic like its a completely different entity there with them. It is theoretically possible for Twilight to have been powerful enough, perhaps just barely powerful enough, to defeat the Princess'; as her natural abilities augmented by her status as an Alicorn and increased by the unholy amount of Magical Energy she drew from the Dark Magic well in the beginning, it is possible for her to, for a time, be powerful enough to stand toe-to-toe with the Princess', and with Rainbow Dash serving as a distraction to draw Luna's attention away; then that would mean Twilight wouldn't have to face both at the same time.

When I introduced the Sun-and-Moon amulet in Trixie's chapter; I meant to provide further exposition on what exactly Unicorns can do with wells of Magic; the hieroglyphs on the wall were supposed to be interpreted as; Unicorns can control the flow of magic through their own body, soak it up like a sponge and reserve extra power for later, if they so desire. Celestia and Luna would have taken dangerously high levels of magical energy into their bodies; becoming one with it, so to speak, thus triggering their transformations into Alicorns and beginning their rise to power. Now you may counter with the argument; "Then why wasn't Sombra elevated to such high levels of power too?", well; because he wouldn't have been one with the magic; he'd have been consumed by the magic.

I can't explain all the concepts to you, as it would ruin the story; but I would like to clarify that this is all a work of fiction meant to entertain. Continue watching if you find yourself amused and is not then bon voyage and I hope you find what it is you're looking for on the site. I understand my beginning was rushed and I may very well re-make that in a manner that has a stronger pull on people, so they can get to the other well-received chapters with little-to-no complaints. I understand I won't please everyone, but still.

Finishes reading story. Looks at comment's section. See's two massive comments. Stops writing simple it was good comment.

Yea now that is done this is still a very interesting story hope you keep it up.

3402151 I honestly hope that there is still a small part of the old elements in each of the five former bearers.

So Twilight has the ability to sense peoples emotions? Did she get that with the dark magic or is this a over time ability she developed....It makes sense from a story perspective kind of a uh... semi feel the force thing going on but I'm just curious. Also so Twilight isn't living in Canterlot castle?

yeah i agree with twilight mercer, i really hope the mane 6 wont just be killed off or something, seeing them somewhat return to normal would be nice, but as i said before i love this story so far and i cant wait for the next chapter!

I am loving this story, can't wait for more chapters! ^_^

While I'm really enjoying this story, I have one problem with it. Twilight appears to be evil just because, which is annoying for I usually enjoy it when the character have proper reasons for their actions. All well, the story is enjoyable nonetheless.

3815687 Twilight is not evil "just because"; she was twisted and corrupted by Dark Magic, tapping into an inherent desire for greater power through whatever means necessary; hence the reason the story is titled "Twilight's Corruption".

I'm glad you're enjoying it, nevertheless, but comments like these do make me question; did you even read the earlier chapters? I mean; I know they aren't the best this story has to offer, and rest assured I plan on making major updates to chapters One and Two; but still.

3815836 Yeah, I read the earlier, I'm just didn't catch the bit where it explained that :twilightsheepish: Thanks for the clarification!

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