The Tale of a Bookworm

Source

The train rolls in, and a pony steps off. Dusty and tired from the long journey from Manehatten, he sets off towards his target, the library.
A librarian by trade, he came to Ponyville in search of rare books, but found something much rarer still: a new home.

This is the account of my OC in his many RP adventures. It's a bit of a vanity piece, so I don't expect anyone to really read or get much enjoyment from this. Still, I wrote it, so I thought I'd post it here so it can get read.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

ya5la

ya5la #1 · Oct 18th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Bookworm made it almost to the door to the cabin before smacking his forehead with a hoof, and, looking over his shoulder, magically retrieved the book that he had been reading before he fell asleep, and that had fallen open on the floor where he had been sitting.
And, of course, now I've lost my place.

I know that feel...but somehow I always manage to find my place again really quickly XD

EDITING BEGIN.

Just another small farming village, one of the myriad the dotted the landscape

"One of the myriad that dotted the landscape" :) Also, I think it's Manehattan, not Manehatten.

Bookworm looked at the sky, the pegasus ponies hard at work in preparing the town for a light summer drizzle,...

That sounds odd. Maybe you could say "Bookworm looked at the sky, where the pegasus ponies were hard at work..."

In fact, he knew his opinions might very well be different were it not for that oasis of nature surrounded my stone and glass and concrete.

*by

the earth pony produced a book from underneath the counter top and flipped to a dog-eared page. Bookworm gave an involuntary shudder at the method of place marking - years of working at the library, most recently in the rare books department, had instilled him with a bit of a revulsion to the practice - but the mare didn't seem to notice.

I hate dog-eared pages too!! Also, the "the" at the beginning of the quote should have a capital T. Also, you should use "mare" instead of "filly", because a filly is a very young female pony.

A comment:
[quoteYou got yer bed, yer... Floor, yer... Ceiling Me: LOL
Also, after Bookworm says "Celestia, I can't believe I fell for that again", you didn't capitalize the first letter of his name: "Yeah, bookie"...

Another comment:

In a matter of minutes he was prancing through the starry fields of Luna's dreamland.

I love that sentence!!

Would you like thee espresso in the coffee?"

Thee?

Taffy just waved off the compliment with another hoof motions

Another hoof motion. No plural. :D Also, why do you miss the owner of Taffy?

So, this is a great start to what I'm sure will be a great story! I'll be happy to continue editing. Also, sorry for long comment XD

Hallowedsoul

Hallowedsoul #2 · Oct 18th, 2013 · · ·

I'm interested, let's watch and see where it goes.

And don't ever doubt posting your stories; no one controls what you write but you.

Best of luck to you!

ViTheDeer

ViTheDeer #3 · Oct 18th, 2013 · · ·

3364496
By all means, I appreciate the help! Usually I have to beg, steal and borrow for proofreaders, so I appreciate all the input!
I'll fix those little mistakes ASAP!

And I guess it's less the owner of Taffy and more our RPs I miss, but all good things...

3364526
I appreciate the kind words. Maybe I will hack away at this again, Bookworm's story is, in my humble opinion, a rather good one, so we'll see.

x0jackie0x

x0jackie0x #4 · Oct 19th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I'm normally not one for an story about an OC related to a canon character, but since they weren't tagged, I gave it a chance, which I'm glad I did. It's a very interesting, nicely paced story that kept my attention. Its nice to see another story that is focused on an OC or two, without the tons of interaction with canon characters. I'm looking forward to more.
Now for the criticism. The biggest issue I personally have, which was an issue I had when I was writing my own story, was identifying the speaker.

"Here ya are, cuz’! You got yer bed, yer... floor, yer... ceilin'..." Bookworm laughed.

While I knew by the speech that it was AJ, the placement still made me think for a second that Bookworm was the one that was speaking. What I did to work around it was start a new line whenever someone else started speaking.

"Here ya are, cuz’! You got yer bed, yer... floor, yer... ceilin'..."
Bookworm laughed.

Granted, it is based on style and my example is obviously not the standard, only opinion.

I don't want to overstep my boundaries and will ask for you permission if you want more constructive criticism. If that's okay, of course.

ViTheDeer

ViTheDeer #5 · Oct 19th, 2013 · · ·

3366879
No, by all means, I love constructive feedback! If you want you ca PM me with whatever notes you have, but I assure you, you're not overstepping your bounds!

Now for the mea culpa... Booky being related to AJ was... not really my favorite thing about him. It arose as a way to solve two problems: Why does he come to Ponyville, and why does his cutie mark have an apple on it. (Also where does he live when he gets to Ponyville since, at the time, we hadn't seen any kind of hotel or inn in canon, but that was a minor issue)
I tried to mitigate it as much as possible, to avoid exactly the response you gave, by making him only distantly related, and, as it will be later revealed, adopted at that (at the time it wasn't clear whether earth ponies could have unicorn foals, and he needed to be a unicorn to shelve books), but yeah; it's still a bit of mary-suiesm, I'll admit.
And you're right, that line could be a bit confusing. I try to avoid using attribution tags like "he said" or "she said" whenever possible, but that means I have to be extra careful with what surrounds the dialogue. I'll fix the line you mentioned.