A side-story and beta test for a more expansive project.
Civil war broke out in Equestria a few months ago. This means that there's a whole new sector of the economy catering to soldiers and their needs. Factories are mass-producing weapons and armor, alcohol sales are up, and even the brothels are seeing increased profits
Browning Vineyard runs the Off-Duty Bar and Grill, a popular spot for the Joint Special Forces unit stationed at Fort Jack. He's seen a lot of beat-up soldiers walk through his doors, and he hasn't heard a lot of happy stories from them. Soldiers are becoming the rule rather than the exception.
Which only makes tonight's visitor all the more confusing...
Chapters (1)
The story's better than I expected, and I support your continued writings. Just a couple things, though, about writing in the RATG verse. #1: The setting explicitly uses real world modern warfare -- weapons, equipment, and tactics. #2: Equestria itself is never the frontline, with the fighting occurring in other lands. Apart from that, keep going.
You've picked a cocktail of tags which aren't too popular in combination. I'll see what I can do to get you more attention.
Okay, here's some more feedback following a second reading.
In my opinion, placing the fight in Equestria defeats the purpose of the RATG verse. It depends on Equestria remaining peaceful and relatable for the reader so that the contrast between warriors and what war has done to them is made apparent by how it clashes with the domestic setting of Equestria. The result is that there are characters roaming around, whom society has no idea how to handle. When the conflict permeates the setting, the audience gains a degree of callousness. The benchmark for normal becomes whatever is the par for the setting the audience sees. There is a reason why so many war films begin with raw civvy recruits before going into the war following a long buildup process. Without the slow stages, without the links to normalcy, the heights of savagery have no meaning.
I like that you picked a non-combatant, a bartender, as your protagonist. It is absolutely essential how you also made him remember how things used to be before things got messed up. His personality is vibrant and gruff, but there is a genuine sense of goodness to him. He really cares about the customers he sees, looking past their deeds and affiliations. He is quite paternal.
Your usage of tone and internal monologue is exceptional. It reminds me quite pleasantly of noir. The internal monologue sets a heavy, morose, and slightly tense atmosphere for the whole story which is really quite engaging. The world building and backstory are slipped in quite handily, never jarring the narrative or disrupting the flow.
Tension was good. You built up the suspense through tight dialogue, as well as the subtle things. I was engaged the entire time, simultaneously anticipating and dreading the reveal. Now, the reveal at the end was a misstep. It would have raised more questions, as well as given a hook for the main story to come, if you had kept the true identity and purpose a secret. Also, the character tags spoil the disguise, as does the alias used by the character.
What are you writing about? You use human terms and words, such as "people", but then you talk about there being humans separate from ponies, and then use pony a number of times. Are these ponies, anthros, or humans? Decide, illustrate, and stick with it. If your ponies are humanized, then add the human tag. If they are anthropomorphic, then add the anthro tag. But, please, as it currently stands, your usage of the term "people" is severely confusing in context.
Why did you post a side story before the main story? Just the words, "side-story" automatically cause readers' eyes to glaze over unless those words immediately link it to a story they are interested in. You lost a ton of potential readers by starting out with a gaiden piece for a story that does not yet exist, not even in forum posts. I understand beginning with a oneshot; I write them all the time. You started with a good one, but this piece really cannot stand alone without a wide platform first being built to support it. I began with a oneshot, too, but what I did for that one was make it so that anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the show could jump in and relate. I started out with a bang. You've started out with a yawn. I suggest getting a minimum of 20 followers before embarking on writing a serious OC story, unless it's a clopfic.
I don't understand why you tagged it as a crossover. Unless it's obvious and significant, then don't throw in a tag. That probably threw off a number of readers, too. Take the time to learn the proper application of tags.
Your writing is all competent enough. I'd advise adding space gaps between paragraphs to make it easier on your readers. I really can't give you much more advice than practice, and, most importantly, get your story out there, and keep going. Regularly update with new chapters and stories. If you can put out a quality piece at least once a month, then you will have some degree of visibility within your first six months.
Awaiting your next piece,
Kalash93.
P.S.: It's good manners to reply to feedback comments with at least acknowledgement that you read them.
Hey, Kalash! Thanks for the detailed review. Here are my responses:
1) I feel like this is a good time to mention that this isn't, necessarily, the RATG universe. It's similar. Borrowed concepts and ideas, maybe even a character here and there. But by no means a carbon-copy; I'm not THAT uncreative...
That said, I'm not losing the message in the delivery. There's just a few things I would like to mention.
2) Not all of the main story will happen in battle, so there will be plenty to contrast the gritty war scenes. I'm taking the path of the movie "Jarhead." Essentially, the movie was more of a battle against the soldiers' boredom rather than their enemies. Vinnie had a whole monologue about what soldiers do when they're not "going out there and killing people." I'm going to expand on that.
3) Vinnie is not going to be the protagonist in the main series. He will be an important side-character (I've spent too long developing him to throw him under a bus!), but the focus will be more on Silver Tongue. But thank you for the positive review of his character.
4) The first-person perspective was a bit of a test for me. In my mind, most of the story will take the style of Luna's section; a third-person omniscient narrator that can access the character's thoughts as they wish. I also learned that the expository info dump is a bad thing (shout out to TvTropes!), so thanks for picking up on the subtleties of the backstory.
5) In response to Luna's reveal, I originally was going to have her revealed in the more expansive project that this is a beta for. Ideally, she would have walked back to her quarters at Fort Jack and found a fretting Celestia wondering what the hell her injured sister was doing walking off base without a guard. As it was, I had to add it into this story because the original draft didn't make the cut. It wasn't related to the Equestria universe at the time. By making Luna's involvement more direct, it very clearly said "this is happening in Equestria."
6) I use the term "people" as a species-neutral term for all of the sentient species in the world. Dragons, Griffons, Minotaurs, and Humans are all going to be part of this universe I'm developing. However, I will be sure to add an anecdote about the term to clear up confusion in the future. Thanks for drawing attention to it.
7) I posted a side-story to see whether or not I could write AT ALL before sinking countless hours into a world that was doomed from the get-go. But I will take your advice to heart. Ideas are in the mix for a story of where Twilight was when the war started. I'll probably take another few days of development and go on a writing binge over the weekend. I understand that this still doesn't resolve the issue of having side-stories to a bigger story that doesn't exist yet, but I'm working on it!
8) I'll take off the crossover tag. The bigger story will have references to Skyrim, The Darkness (video game/comic), borrowed concepts from Mass Effect, and whatever else strikes my fancy as I write. I figured that this side-story should have the same tags, since it's from the same universe, but I think you're right, and I'll remove the crossover tag.
9) Note to self: double space paragraphs and leave an extra space between paragraphs.
All in all, thanks for the full and detailed review! I've learned a lot more than I expected to, and I'm excited! Also, thanks for the shout-out in your most recent blog post, and I here's to 200 more! *Raises Tropical Island Smoothie in Kalash's honor*
EDIT:
I also apologize for my avatar pic. I hope you don't read this in Twilight's voice like she's copping an attitude with you. I'll try to find a suitable replacement.
EDIT:
Avatar pic replaced. Probably temporary, as I don't quite experience the same glee as I did with "Listen, Dipshit."
Well, this was fascinating, and if more than anything else, a fun read. I don't know if you're a bartender, but I have just a wee bit of experience in that, and I'd say you nailed it. I don't know if you're a soldier either, but I have some experience with that too, and I really liked what I saw. As for your point number 7, why not? Write the story for it's own sake, and if nothing else, you'll learn to be a better writer in the process. I'll be keeping an eye on you. Keep chugging along, and good luck.
3389846
Thanks for the positive review! To answer your questions, I have absolutely zero experience in bartending (I'm not even of legal age to enter a bar), and all of my military experience comes from video games. That said, I'm glad I managed to guess correctly! I just wondered what would be a logical response to these circumstances and wrote it.
Here's hoping a good luck wish is enough...!