A Report On Friendship, And Possibly Why You Are Orange
My dear, dear friend Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that friendship is a little bird tweeting in a meadow on a giant tuba. Friendship is a wreath of pretty flowers that smells like monkey feet, if the monkeys have been wearing socks, for twelve million years. Which they have.
Also, the true meaning of friendship is arglpfsjouiotwnjov. Don't try to pronounce it, you'll just strain yourself. See, that was an act of friendship. If I was still feeling hostile, perhaps if maybe you had turned me into stone and left me that way for a thousand years or something, I might have told you to pronounce it and then if you did it three times, Arglpfsjouiotwnjov would appear and believe you me, you don't want that. Let's just say that when we were tiny little tots going to Chaos Day Care together he always got the award for Most Seriously Disruptive To A Productive Day. (But I got the award for Most Cookies Eaten In Five Minutes, which is actually a much better prize as it consists of a peanut butter and cotton candy sandwich on rye covered in chocolate sauce. Delicious!) Now aren't you glad that I'm your friend, so I warned you before you did something you'd regret?
Fluttershy tells me that friendship truly means bzzzzzzzzzz excuse me I think I might have just started snoring. I realize how unusual this is for me because I'm incapable of needing sleep, but after a thousand years on my feet being stuck singing the same Klingon opera I find that I actually get tired now and again, particularly when people try to tell me about butter. Wait, I mean friendship. Come on, isn't this one of the things you're not supposed to explain, you're just supposed to feel it? Do you make people fill out reports on the true meaning of the color orange? I think that would be a better use of my time, to wit:
THE TRUE MEANING OF THE COLOR ORANGE
Orange means many things. It means a color, and also a fruit! Also it doesn't rhyme with anything except sporange, and you can't say that in polite company. Orange is also a positively hideous color on you so frankly I am utterly bewildered as to why I thought it was a good idea to turn you that color. Why, it totally clashes with your cutie mark. And your rainbow mane. Which is why the grape juice, but don't worry, I am sure it will wash out with some lemon juice, which I thoughtfully provided for you all over your bathchambers. Now aren't you glad we're friends again? I am sure you're looking forward to humiliating me by using Fluttershy as your catspaw to make me write you more of these reports in the future, and I admit, my little heart goes pitter-pat at the thought of the very, very interesting shades of tablesauce I could turn your mane next week, just to prove how much we are friends, because friends don't turn each other into giant rocks anymore, right? Just like friends do not turn each other's castles upside down and then start shaking them for loose change. And that is why I would never do such a thing! Because we're pals now, right? Just like the old days!
There! I am now done with my report on the color orange! And I promise you that the castle's entire population of foals are not singing "The Song That Doesn't End" because I mind-controlled them or warped them from their usual personalities. It may possibly have something to do with bribery, and spells that turn spinach candy-cane flavored for whichever lucky and long-winded foal manages to keep the song up the longest, but I wouldn't know anything about that because I've suffered terrible headaches ever since being a rock for a thousand years and now anytime I try to remember anything, wait, Fluttershy asked me to pick up pears at the store for her! I remembered something! Aren't you happy that I'm overcoming this terrible disability that was inflicted on me by a friend who promises she will never ever do it again unless I'm bad, which, honestly, isn't blackmail against the law? I'm ashamed of you, Celestia. One law for the common ponies and one law for the royalty. I see how it is.
In conclusion, there is a serious lack of cayenne pepper on this book, and I am distressed at how badly Twilight's cooking is coming out, because when you serve someone a book on friendship for dinner, you really need to spice it up with some cayenne. I think you should have words with your student. I suggest "eidolon", "psychedelic", and "triskadekaphobia", because those are much more interesting words than any of the ones in this book. She couldn't even be bothered with salt! Let alone a nice sprinkling of chili cinnamon sugar.
Sincerely,
Your dear friend who is not a rock anymore and is also not teleporting any of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony to the middle of the ocean without a life jacket, wings or horns because that would be just mean and mean people don't have any friends, and friends don't do things like make veiled threats to their friends about things like not writing moronic reports on friendship being tantamount to un-reforming (deforming? Wait, am I not allowed to deform anymore? Because being silly putty is one of my greatest pleasures in life, surely you wouldn't deny me that), which is why I am absolutely certain that you didn't really mean that a failure to send you a report on friendship would be proof that I didn't care about or understand friendship and therefore I had to be pretending to be reformed, and all of this is simply the kind of crap that comes out of Twilight Sparkle's mouth when she's trying to get me to do something because somehow she thinks it might work on me, but I certainly know better, because you only turn your friends into statues for singing badly and not for failing to turn in their friendship reports on time,
Former Grand High Poobah and Now Merely Ordinary Though Indeed Exceptionally Handsome Citizen,
Discord
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I like this. The comedy and it is fun.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to get the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with lime jello.
Well that was thoroughly Discordy. Bravo to you, sir, madam, or thing.
3362718 What about the Banjo player, how can anyone be expected to fill a tub with jello without the proper jello filling music?
3364383
It's Discord. There won't be a banjo. There'll be an electric guitar. Played badly.
Or possibly a piano will fall on the bathtub.
lol.
This was a weird, but great experience. The frantic, humorous tone is hilarious, but what makes it work is probably the menace in the letter. Well done.
Had to look it up. Now I know a new word! Who says fiction isn't educational?
What, just happened?
On second thought, I'd rather not try to understand how Discord thinks.
4142227
What just happened is that shortly after Fluttershy reformed Discord, Twilight tried to get Discord to write Celestia a friendship report. She may have kind of implied that failing to do so would suggest that he was untruthful about his desire to reform and therefore might merit a rainbow cannon to the face.
Discord... did not take this particularly well.
4142259
Yes, I'd inagine a rainbow cannon to the face would not be fun, but I doubt it'd work a third time, he was tricked into laughing his head off the first time, thought that the Mane 6 were still discorded the second time, it's hard to imagine it working a third time since, he's pretty much all powerful.
4142291
That's basically the entire plot of Hit Me, which is one of the stories in this series.
4142294
I know, I just finished reading it.
Pfffffft...
I admit that bit was probably funnier to me than it was to most other people here due to a certain story (which involved much navel gazing) that I wrote a while back.
I will say this, though: the entire letter was hilarious in itself. Bravo!
Yes, but I doubt many folks have done a friendship report like this.
Loved it!!
Hifragginlarious.
I just realized my eye was twitching after reading this. I don't think anything has ever had that effect on me, except for the song that never ends.
I tried to keep track of this story's flow and....I think I might have sprained something in my brain...
But that just means it is a rousing success of discord...Clearly some minor brain strain won't end badly...hehe
...Um...what?
Aside from that odd bit of wording, this letter is GLORIOUS.
5137790 *Intake of breath*
This is the song tha-
*Punches StarChaser*
I actually was able to understand this quite well... I guess ADHD is useful after all!
5264703
There's a gang of foals running around the castle singing that song right now, in the story.
5254967
He made it rain grape juice, in her room, on her head, to the point where her mane turned purple. The "sequel", Negotiating Terms, which is much less silly, actually explains most of what he's talking about in the letter.
5264707 *Sighs*
Well, if you can't beat them, join them!
*Helps StarChaser back up*
This is the song that never ends
Yes it goes on and on my friend!
Some people,
Started singing not knowing what it was!
(Pretend this next part is in all the previous colors) Now they'll keep on singing it just because!
5264720 because I just had an awesome day:
This is the song that never ends! It just goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...
This is awesome. I just wish we could see Tia's reaction beyond the cover pic.
As a avid botanist I find it inulting that discord would find the word sporange impolite. Spore based reproductive life forms are a pleasant conversation piece in any conversation.
Brain.EXE has crashed. Initiating system reboot, insert caffeine to continue.
discord strikes again!
Ohjesus.
I have no words.
XD
And THAT is why you
always floss with silly string smack bullies with sea bassNEVER MAKE DISCORD WRITE A FRIENDSHIP REPORT! There! I finally said it!3745437 I know right?
But two things that really got to me in this letter were Discord's random tendencies to go completely off-topic and his obvious grudge against Celestia for turning him into stone for a thousand years and threatening to do it again if he doesn't truly get his act together. Yeah, he seemed to be just a tad bit upset about that...
Twilight, next time Celestia asks Discord to write a friendship report - or anything for that matter - warn her about it.
Oh god this is just too perfect. Clearly, someone was indeed out of their minds. If I had to peg my favorite part (and there was far too much I liked to say without just labeling it "entire story), it would have to be Discord's little grudge against Celestia for turning him to stone for thousands of years. Which is completely understandable-especially considering he was awake that entire time. I don't know why, but that part just had me laughing the entire way through.
Anyway, great and hilarious story. Truly captured the feel of Discord-which, once again, is made that much more complete with his little grudge against Celestia.
The only way I can think to improve it would be to have Celestia's reaction to... whatever the hell Discord's letter was. Because, while we have a pretty good idea of her reaction, it would be just beautiful to actually get to see and read it.
Does anyone think it odd that I understood all of that? And I don't even have ADHD...
My god. That sincerely, tho.
3364414
Being a Tuba player myself, this instantly made me give a like and fave!
Hi there. I hope you don't mind, but a pal and I have put together a reading of this fic on YouTube.
6469102
Understandable?
Well, I think Dissie had it coming.
Back then, he was the sworn enemy of Equestria and the Princesses, not their friend.
He was threatening to upset - understatement - the Harmony and, ergo, threatened Equestria as a whole.
So he's really, really ill-placed to bring this kind of "friends don't turn you into stone statue" or "I suffer head-aches and memory losses from having been a stone statue for 100 years" kind of things.
His own acts brought this whole ordeal on himself,
he should admit his own wrongs.
Plus, he berates Celestia for blackmailing him, saying that's against the law? Seriously?
She just stated that should he turn bad again, she would turn him to stone again.
That wasn't a blackmailing, that was just a fair warning from the n°1 pony in charge of Equestria's safety, doing her job the way she must.
And what about the mind-controlling, putting the castle asunder, bribing, messing with ponies physical appearance (poof! Your tail's gone. Just because I want to.)?
Passive aggressive statements about the Bearers of Harmony being teleported in the middle of the Ocean without any life jacket, horn, or wings? Now, that is against the law. And that's only an example, he has this kind of things all over his letter.
He knows how important the Mane 6 are to Equestria, as a mean of defence, and how important they are to the Princesses, as friends.
So he knows his words sound nothing like jokes.
He should rather be glad that the Princesses don't punish him for being such a nuisance for ponies around.
Bottom line:
Discord is behaving like a huge jerk here.
Sorry for the rant, or if I sounded aggressive.
That wasn't my intention.
7304302
Heard it today.
The voice actor did a very good job. :-)
5264719
Oh, so there's a sequel to this?
That's grand!
Well, towards new reading now! :-)
Just enjoyed the Scribbler version of this tale...and I enjoyed it immensely.
…KLINGON OPERA?! Oh good golly, that was too much.
This is probably the best story I’ve ever listened to from the perspective of Discord. It may be the only one, actually (well, I think Goggles of Shipping was from his perspective, and while entertaining, it didn’t capture his character nearly as well as this). You can definitely tell this is pre-Tirek Discord. It’s just so over the top, so random and perfectly Discord that I loved every second of it. Well done. Well done indeed!
The voice was damn near spot on. Snarky as hell, with just the right tones, the right bits of bitterness coming out in several different places. Masterful.
No but this is p. great :D
Exquisite. XD Also, I want to try that sandwich.
Alarajrogers: writes best Discord.
Bribing foals was a good idea. The rest is just boring.
I don't get it. This doesn't sound like Discord's voice at all. None of the things he talked about or did seem like the kind of interesting and funny things he would do. Just kind of pseudo-random.
Is this one of those things where you have to read all the way to the end, and the last sentence is a punchline? It doesn't seem like that, though, because it was full of what I presume are supposed to be jokes.
This goes in the bookshelf of stories I couldn't finish reading. Sorry.
Enjoying this requires that you are able to feel Discord's pure malice dripping in your veins, because not one moment of the missive he sent cClestia is actually filled with mirth and humor. I felt it. It smoldered hot. It was tense, and so it was exciting, and so it was good. +1.
Considering the mood, I think it makes sense that the mass hypnotism is the funniest thing in here; it is basically the most brutal event and it's not even hypothetical like the rest.